"Untitled" by Skylir F

The urge to throw up increases as I approach the impending doors. The forsaken doors
that lay just before an even more forsaken abyss. The inauspicious black doors, surrounded by a smoky mist, that await me as I start to walk slower. My breath catches, and I seem to forget how to walk. I try to control my breathing and straighten my walk, however it only seems to worsen as suddenly I can’t breathe and I even feel myself start to limp. I try to tell myself to relax , breathe , I am only walking towards my impending doom, what is there to fear? This self-talk allows for a quick distraction, until I again become aware of where I am walking towards. Suddenly, a force knocks me back, and I again have to control my breathing. What was that? I look around to find nothing there. I turn back around and continue attempting to walk. What is wrong with me? I cannot even focus on the thought because I am too busy trying to learn how to walk, although it is pretty difficult as my legs feel like jelly and my feet begin to drag across the pavement. 

A flicker.

My eyes sweep across the view in front of me, and quickly I learn of my mistake, as I bring my head back down. Oh god. The pressure in my chest begins to expand, and soon I feel like I can’t breathe. My chest literally feels as if it is about to break apart due to the incessant, bulging weight of my fast-beating heart. It has to be right under my collarbone now, this t-this thing .

“Just keep your head down, and move,” I mutter to myself.

But it is so hard.

There are so many flickers, all of which seem to have no regard for my passing by. And yet, it feels like they are all looking at me. All of the flickers, shoving past me and streaking across my vision and flashing brightly and clumping together are all moving so fast and I feel as though I am interrupting something; something I am once again not a part of.

As the doors get closer and closer and the flickers continue to judge me I squeeze my eyes shut and wish and pray and cry on the inside that someone is watching me, someone is looking out for me and won’t let this be the end. I wish I could just leave, leave this place forever and stay hidden from anything and everything that is out to hurt me. With this thought in mind I enter the abyss.
There’s a thrumming in my ears, and I cannot tell where it is coming from. In a panic, I begin to feel around where I am, but I can’t see, and worse I can’t move my arms. Where are my arms! My breathing becomes more shallow as I realize that I can’t move anything: my hands, my legs, my head; everything is distorted and loud and there’s a rushing in my ears that I can’t stop either and before I know it hot trails of salt are running down my face. I can’t even wipe them away. The tears keep coming and then I am gasping, gasping aloud and crying and then my nose gets plugged and then I am sniffling and crying and the images are coming back and my chest hurts so bad that I wish I never came here. I wish I never came to this place and the thought makes my chest hurt so bad because I realize...

Slowly, ever so slowly, the rushing in my ears begins to descend, as if a disastrous impending wave had decided against wreaking havoc and instead decides to return to its tranquil state. Yet, I am anything but tranquil; with the absence of the rush in my ears, I am able to make everything out with a despairing quality, and what I find almost makes me wish that I was still paralyzed.
I am deep within the abyss, and awaiting me are all of the things that I thought I had left behind. There is a flickering up ahead, and I subconsciously begin to back away. However, this is a different type of flicker. With a hesitant air I slowly get up, and the most surprising thing happens,
My heart is silent.
No heavy weight in my throat, no incessant fast beating that makes me feel as if I am about to die, nothing-but silence. Oh, how lucky my heart is to leave as it pleases! All is silent, and so I silently begin to walk towards the flickering light.

And yet,
I made it.
If only that was the worst part.
It is a green light, and such images are showcased through an array of pretty light. The images aren’t as pretty, though, and slowly I begin to remember what had happened before I woke to a thrumming in my ears. My heart begins to crawl in my throat once again and my eyes begin to widen as I watch- 

I am on stage right, behind the curtain, listening to the innocent chatter that will soon begin to cease at my arrival

I am getting up from my seat, approaching the man at the front of the room, aware of the numerous pairs of eyes on my back as the heat enters my face
I am looking down at my paper, asking whoever is out there to just give me the right words, the foreign words so that they will stop looking at me
I am reading about a beach-a figurative? literal? who cares?-beach, and I think I understand it, and I want to understand it, but I realize it doesn’t matter

My heart awakens, and, as if nothing happened at all, I begin to walk again towards a set of black doors.