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Friday, October 19, 2018

"Blips" by Alejandro M.



I’m sitting, sitting on a chair on a hill. On that hill is another hill, he is sitting there. He’s staring at me, is he? He is staring at me, I look around, but nobody is here except for us two. I stood up and he stood up too. How does he know what I’m gonna do? I’m walking now he's walking too. He’s walking the same path I’m walking, I take a step he takes a step. I look at him he looks at me. I’m running now, he’s running now the hills are getting even closer together. Closer and closer like leaning into a mirror. He’s getting closer, I’m getting closer. I'm almost at the end and I see my car. I’m rushing to it, I look he’s not there anymore. Was I seeing things, was that my imagination or did I actually see something. I’m walking now he’s not there anymore I’m just seeing things. I open my car door and nothing is there. I put my keys in and I start the car and in the back mirror, he’s there. He’s dark, cold and shrouded in black he’s staring at me. He’s waiting, he’s been waiting. I start my car and look in front of me and then look to the back, but he’s gone. I’m driving now I have been for a while now he’s there. I know it somewhere somehow watching. I stop I get some gas, it’s full now. I get in and I start the car and I look behind, they are looking at me two of them they’re both staring at me. They’re in the back seat now. They look small they’re staring at me and they talk they sound of sorrow, pain, and anguish, but their words hold no discernable language, yet I understood. They said, “Drive home, please.” I drove and an hour later in the corner of my eye there it is another. It looked at me then it looked at the others in the back. It put its hand on my hand on the steering wheel. It said, “We’re almost there.” I didn't know what it meant so I followed. They said, “Stop we’re here.” I stopped the car. As I walked I looked behind and they are there, still staring and watching me. I’m at the door. I look back they are gone. The mat said welcome. I looked at the door, I had the keys. I open the door, they are there waiting for me watching me so coldly and distant. They give me a key. I open the next door. And on the other side, I see them lifeless and cold in the dark room. So dark and cold I fall to my knees. I’m crying, look at them so cold, so so cold and so lonely I left them. Why did I do this how could I leave them so lonely, so cold and so lifeless? I call them, but they’re gone now. I’m here now the doctors called it a BLIPS (Brief Limited Intermittent Psychotic State). I’m sorry.

43 comments:

Lilian Hung said...

This entry was definitely chilling. I did not understand some of it at first but as I continued to read and reread, I understood more and more and I am not sure if you experience this on a daily. The story is definitely a fit for the Halloween time and the description and imagery in your story was really clear and vivid and I could imagine all of it as I read it. Really well done conveying this experience to your audience though, you had me on the edge of my seat the entire time I read it.

Isabella Carrillo said...

This is such an amazing piece of work!! You really conveyed the feelings of confusion and tension to the reader. The ending was awesome. Throughout the story was suspenseful and kept the reader on the edge of their toes trying to figure out what would be happening next.

Ivan Larrondo said...

Wow! Well done with this story. I felt the stress that the character felt. Your utilization of parallelism created this feeling of rush and urgency in the story that I felt while I was reading. Your detail conveyed the symptoms of this medical condition well and vividly described the internal struggle that the character went through. I even had to look up this condition to see if it was real.

Kayla Evans said...

What a suspenseful story!! Throughout the whole story you conveyed confusion and suspense keeping the reader drawn to your story and what will happen next. The ending was a good twist to the story, it really helped the reader tie the title to the piece. Great job.

Skylir Ford said...

Wow, what an interesting piece, I have so many questions! The short sentences absolutely create a suspenseful and surreal atmosphere, which creates a chilling and almost impatient feel to the piece. I also noticed how you switched from the present tense to the past tense about midway through the passage, and I’m not sure if it was meant to be that way, yet I totally perceived it as a shift which I believe further developed the story overall! Also, your short inclusion at the end concerning something as serious as psychosis truly transformed the piece into something mysterious and frightening to something real; which can also be mysterious and frightening. Overall, great job!

Skylir Ford said...

Wow, what an interesting piece, I have so many questions! The short sentences absolutely create a suspenseful and surreal atmosphere, which creates a chilling and almost impatient feel to the piece. I also noticed how you switched from the present tense to the past tense about midway through the passage, and I’m not sure if it was meant to be that way, yet I totally perceived it as a shift which I believe further developed the story overall! Also, your short inclusion at the end concerning something as serious as psychosis truly transformed the piece into something mysterious and frightening to something real; which can also be mysterious and frightening. Overall, great job!

Anonymous said...

Blips was a really good piece. The reader gets sucked into the story, its had to stop reading. My favorite thing about it was the amazing use of imagery(E.g ...¨sound of sorrow, pain, and anguish, but their words hold no discernible language...¨)
-Grecia Sepulveda

Ashley Sierra-Tillery said...

Alejandro, this piece was unlike anything I've ever read before. Your strategic use of syntax was effective in creating a chilling, unresolved, gloomy atmosphere that engages the reader on all fronts. I loved reading this and would love to read more of your work, a collection of short stories such as this one. Amazing job!
-Ashley Sierra-Tillery

Kaili F said...

This was spooky and confusing and chilling... I loved it. I also really liked the style you used with the short, simple sentences. I felt like that made it easy to understand and process but also emphasized the speaker's own confusion, being in such a surreal situation that they could only process so much. Overall a great piece that was just fun to read.

Alicia Garcia said...

I love how you incorporated the actual feelings and visions a person sees when having "Blips." I liked how I was able to feel frightened and anxious for the character when they were encountering the dark figures. Another thing that added to the suspence of the story was the syntax of your piece. The story had short sentences throughout and I feel it greatly contributed to keeping the creepy and grotesque tone. Overall good job of keeping the story intruiging and suspensful.

Jean Andre Molina said...

Wow, this actually a thrilling piece especially. I really like how your short and simple sentence it gave a fast and chilling experience. Also, I really appreciate on how you let the audience see in the character's perspective, by using first person point of view. It made me feel like I'm that character in the story. At first it was kinda confusing, I initially thought it was a horror ghost story. However, the ending clarified everything. I really like how you wrapped everything together at the end and give a full explanation on whats happening. It finally made me understand the full story. Overall Great Piece!
-Jean Andre Molina

Paul Aureus said...

Alejandro,this story left me on the edge of my seat. I wondered what was happening to the main character. Then I researched what BLIPS really was and everything made sense. It was chilling to understand that the main character murdered his own family. It was a sad reveal that the ghosts that led him back were the ghosts of the family he killed. This piece was a great read and I love the reveal at the end. -Paul Aureus

Anonymous said...

I love ALL things spooky and i really enjoyed reading your creative story. It was definitely suspenseful and i loved the twist at the end. Good job!

Unknown said...

The story was very intriguing and kept me on my toes the entire time. This was a great short story and I loved the ending. However I thought it was going to end very differently but the ending was great and was such a twist for me. Good job
-Soraya viteri

Jordan Do said...

This story was amazing I loved the plot of it. It gave me the chills like having goosebumps on my skin. You gave the story a good ending, because it clarified everything. Thank you again for sharing this piece with us.

Mary Rykowski said...

This is such a compelling story! I felt as if I was experiencing the same stressful situation the character was in. I loved everything about this and how you leave the reader wanting more backstory. Very well done!

Mary Rykowski said...

This is such a compelling story! I felt as if I was experiencing the same stressful situation the character was in. I loved everything about this and how you leave the reader wanting more backstory. Very well done!

Anonymous said...

Hi Alejandro, amazing story! I really liked the way you kept your sentence short in order to portray blips and your use of imagery in order to make the story chilling and intense.
- Karen V.

Alysha Santiago said...

This piece is beautifully written and I especially enjoyed the suspenseful aspect that you gave to your writing. As a reader, every sentence made me more interested to keep reading because the story dragged me in. I had no knowledge of what BLIPS was, but your story made me look further into it and I was able to understand your piece even more, and I am so amazed. You taught me something new and did it in such a creative, unique way. So amazing !

Karen Loeung said...

I really like the creativity that went into this and how you used short, simple sentences to convey all the emotions that the main character was experiencing throughout the story. The amount of suspense kept me on edge while reading and I was very eager to find out what would happen next. Overall, I think you did a great job!

Karen Loeung said...

I really like the creativity that went into this and how you used short, simple sentences to convey all the emotions that the main character was experiencing throughout the story. The amount of suspense kept me on edge while reading and I was very eager to find out what would happen next. Overall, I think you did a great job!

Nufsat Khan said...

I really love the way you started the story. It was spooky and full of suspense. I was a bit confused in the middle like what was happening but stayed curious till the end to know what will happen next. i liked the way you used imagery and kept the twist hidden.

Natalie Cerrillo said...

Alejandro this is such a great story! It was very suspenseful the entire time which made it enjoyable to read. It was also mysterious and had me wondering what was going to happen next. You did an amazing job and I wish it was longer.

Anonymous said...

i really loved your flash fiction and how you created the twist in the story by painting the main character as a victim to the actual criminal who murdered his family. I also really appreciated how you used an acronym as the the title inviting us into an unsuspecting spooky adventure.- Johnny De La Cruz

Anonymous said...

All I really have to say about this story is that it is stunning! The intro captures the readers attention amazingly and the imagery of the mirroring person was absolutely chilling to read about. I love how it's in first person POV because it really immerses you right into the speaker and brings the story to life.

Cedric Perez said...

I loved how the sentences were very short and concise to emphasize the tense and fearful mood. You described the narrator's "inner demons" as horrifying creatures and it left me at the edge of my seat while reading. Your use of first person point of view throughout the work really helped the readers experience the fear and nervousness of the narrator. Amazing writing!

Noah Palmer said...

This piece is great because the more you read the more you realize the situation that the speaker is in, the more mysterious and worried you become. To find the twist at the end and realize the gravity of the situation in this short story was great!

Johnny Gitau said...

This story was absolutely incredible I was both intrigued and uncomfortable as well as scared yet at ease you were able Allow me to see inside of this seemingly terrible mental experience while still being able to understand what was happening.
-Johnny Gitau

Brooke Leslie said...

The syntax of your story adds to the main element so well. The short, self-doubtful sentences prove the idea displayed in the end of the story very true. I especially noticed how the psychotic state that the main character was in constantly increased to the point where they felt like they needed to get help. Also, the apology in the last sentence was significant because it shows that people going through BLIPS feel as though it's their fault. This is a beautifully written story!
- Brooke Leslie

Anonymous said...

Your blog post really fits in with the spooky nature of the Halloween season. Incorporating a real mental disorder in your story helps bring the story to life and make it feel tangible to the reader. Not only was the disorder successfully implemented into your brilliant story it is also very relevant to our time with many advocates for research and awareness for the mentally ill. Good Job!

Nathaniel Landeros said...

Your story was very interesting and very good. I like how there was a mystery around every corner and how to you did not what the character was going to do next.

Anonymous said...

This was such a encaptivating and chilling story where I didn't want to stop reading. After looking up what BLIPS is the story made more sense. You're use of syntax and imagery was amazing as well which made the piece 100x better than it already was!
-Alyssa Nelson

Rauhl Morrisey said...

Alejandro, I have to be honest. I thought this was going to be a whole other kind of story. You gained my attention when you talked about something kind of unknown and how it was following that led up to me thinking this was like a horror story. I'm a huge fan of horror that I could imagine and play out every detail you provided within your story and overall it was great! Although I still wonder what happens next.

Anonymous said...

A very attention grabbing piece. You can tell that it was very well thought out by the details you added. Really good job!
- Donyale Thomas

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure this qualifies as a successful creation of a short psychological thriller; starting from the peculiar circumstances to the bitter relief as all is revealed in the ending, this story truly was an enjoyment to read.

Anonymous said...

Alejandro, I really enjoyed how cryptic and mysterious your piece was all the way through. Your use of imagery and the repeating lines adds so much depth to your story.
-Braden Bailey

Johnny A De La Cruz said...

Wow, I really loved your use of imagery and the twist of having us believe the main character was the victim when he was really the criminal. Well done.

Johnny A De La Cruz said...

Wow, I really loved your use of imagery and the twist of having us believe the main character was the victim when he was really the criminal. Well done.

Unknown said...

This work was extremely entertaining to read. I enjoyed how you left the reader wondering and then very slowly revealed the true meaning and "answer" to the story. Very well written!!
- Julissa Saenz

Danae Harris said...

Your use of syntax and pacing truly set this apart from other scary stories. It lets the reader actually feel all the emotions (panic, fear, sorrow, etc) you are trying to convey through your writing, good job!

Anonymous said...

Your blog post really fits in with the spooky nature of the Halloween season. Incorporating a real mental disorder in your story helps bring the story to life and make it feel tangible to the reader. Not only was the disorder successfully implemented into your brilliant story it is also very relevant to our time with many advocates for research and awareness for the mentally ill. Good Job!

Anonymous said...

I feel like you portrayed the hallucinations very well in your writing. I really liked the tone of it all, its very unique and something I did not expect upon first glance. A very great 'psychological thriller'-type vibe!

- Luis Matute (Period 4) 11:11 11/6/2018

Unknown said...

This piece definitely fits with the "spooky" vibe of October and when reading it I was thrilled to say the least. At first, I was expecting the stalkers to be symbolic of something at the end, but it worked exceptionally well with the twist at the end of how the speaker was in a state of psychosis. I think you should continue writing stories such as this, as your style and use of rhyme with short statements that build up in a snowball effect really pull the reader in with anticipation. 10/10 would read again!