Today is Thursday, January 11 and it is raining. The sky is dark and gloomy as ever,
most haven’t seen the sunlight in months. Amongst the darkness, yellow specks of light reflect through the puddles in the streets. Families gather in their homes filled with warmth and comfort for protection against the downpour, except one. At the house at the end of the street, 15849 Maple Avenue, the lights are out. No one is home and no one is together. Within the house, the door echoes in every corner of the room with a light pitter patter from the roof. A girl takes her first step into a world she had long regretted to return to. A world that she had once fled from months ago. Back in November, it happened, the fall from grace. The parents that had once belonged to her, were gone. After all the neglect and lonesomeness, she couldn’t take it. She imagined that if she had just disappeared then maybe they would notice. Although keeping close by, she watched her family break from a distance, her mother left last month to look for her and her father is nowhere to be seen. Tonight is the first time she has stepped back through the house that built her. The girl thinks to herself, “The floors are different. Everything has changed.” She thought that maybe if she’d touched this place, she’d feel it, but the truth is, she still feels empty. Alone at 17, Elizabeth walks through the kitchen and the dining room where her family never gathered. She dreamed that one day, she would feel the warmth and comfort like the families down the street had. Elizabeth realizes that she will never have that. “For dreams and fantasies
are for the foolish,” as her father once told her on her fifth birthday. She begins to speak to
herself as she has these past months; “Mother knew better than to open her mouth to Father, for
she knew what would come if she did.” Within her thoughts, she envisions what that day was
like when she had left. Dad walks in through the front door from work, and into her room to
make sure she is doing her homework, but she is not there. He starts yelling and goes to her mom
who is folding laundry, that she is gone. The floorboards creak as Elizabeth creeps upstairs to her
old safe space, where she spent most of her time. Little did she know that her saving grace was
just outside her window. Memories linger among the walls and they urge her to leave and to
never look back. Elizabeth being the obedient child that she is, goes away from this haunted
place. Back downstairs ahead the front door awaits her departure, she walks slowly and out into
the street. Out into the rain she goes, within the illuminated homes she sees a child, Thomas
Peters, a 7 year old boy with an expression that she had never noticed before. A look similar to
the one in the mirror and a family as imperfect as her own. Elizabeth thinks to herself, “Perhaps
there is more, than we may know.” With this, she continues down the street and disappears into
the twilight.
39 comments:
This piece of literature told a story just so subtly that it could be understood while still maintaining it’s emotional aspect. You’re an incredibly skilled writer! -Joshua Kidwell
Amber, this piece was amazing!! The use of onomatopoeia was excellent, especially when you were describing the house to the reader. Light imagery is evident, and you used it wonderfully, especially to show the contrast between the outside world and Elizabeth and her life.
this piece was amazing. it was so intriguing and left the readers with so many questions that leaves them wanting more. i enjoyed reading this but i mainly enjoyed trying to understand the character and her feelings of emptiness and loneliness.
This is such a well written story. I was hooked from the beginning with the imagery and vivid details, I felt like I was actually in the setting. Good job! You are an amazing story teller and you know how to keep the attention of the reader without giving away everything. I really enjoyed it!
First off, this is a very enticing piece! This was really interesting to read and kept my attention the whole time. Your use of imagery definitely made me feel as if I were experiencing everything in the story firsthand. I love how you included the quote from the father it helps tie in the theme of the overall passage. I like the words you chose and how the story ends with a hopeful tone!
-Sofia Hormaza
I absolutely loved your use of descriptive imagery to tell your story through words, and also paint a picture to bring your story to life. Your diction created a very eerie, dramatic tone and gave your character depth as I envisioned her as she retold a story, while also living it. I enjoyed the emotional connection that I formed with your character as I read. Beautifully written!
Amber, nice story! Nice job effectively using indirect characterization to describe the characters, which also helped with understanding the dynamic of the family as well. Also, nice use of third person point of view of telling the story, especially when describing the scenery.
I was continuously intrigued while reading this piece, the subtle hints that I began to wonder about in each line made me want to read more. The thought process of Elizabeth was interesting and I wish I knew more about her character!
I really like this poem because it shows the parents from the view of the children, how the parents can be soul crushing because they told their daughter, "For dreams and fantasies are for the foolish"
Such a great read. I like how the story related to those who are in a state of loneliness, capturing how it feels. It kept me in the state of wondering and the cliffhanger you imposed in the end just made me want to read more. Overall, great piece of literary work and would be glad if a part two of this work was released.
Wow, you really left me wanting more! This was so well written and the imagery you used to build the setting was amazing and really set the tone. I love how your writing made me sympathize with Elizabeth and i could feel the way she seemed to feel. Overall, an amaing piece with great use of imagery!
This was such a great story! I really enjoyed the mysterious beginning of it as well as the really nice imagery. You'd a great job. I want to read more!
This was such a great story! I really enjoyed the mysterious beginning of it as well as the really nice imagery. You'd a great job. I want to read more!
Amber, I genuinely enjoyed this piece. Your constant use of suspense tied in with the vivid imagery is amazing. And, I especially liked the eerie tone of your work.
-Braden Bailey
Amber, amazing work! Your use of descriptive, visual imagery was very effective in describing Elizabeth's house and the old memories that took placed in the house. My favorite part of this story is how much ambiguity there is, which leads to reader to think of their own interpretation, especially in regards to the end of the story where Elizabeth goes as she "disappears into the twilight". Loved this piece and amazing job! :) - Sandra Mae Samin (per. 1)
The imagery in this was great I felt like I was with Elizabeth throughout the story! This was beautifully written, a great piece!!
Amazing piece! You presented the reader with a universal situation but still made the story unique through your use of diction and imagery. Keep up the good work!
I love this piece! Your words completely transported me to a different time/place, primarily due to your introduction of dark/gloomy imagery in the beginning. I truly love your fictional writing, and the lasting image of a lonely girl walking into the darkness is perfect!
I really liked how the incorporation of the rain brings the sense of how the story will be. The addition of the details of the girl breaking a habit of daily routine also gives the sense of what will happen. Great work! (Julia Avalos)
The piece was a very detailed and emotional one. I like how you used details to show how she was feeling and that it was clear and people can empathize her. I also like how you used other ways to show her emotion such as through the use of the weather. I thought that was very creative. Great job.
Amber, fantastic piece of literature. I like your skilled use of vocabulary to convey a shadowy and dim-like tone throughout your little story. The ending was perfect, leaving minds like mine filled with many questions and mysteries trying to solve with the overall story.
It is as if I was there with Elizabeth, walking through the house, feeling her wants, and living through her memories. The imagery and meaning in this piece drew me in closer and closer, and definitely left me wanting for more! Great job!
This is a fantastic piece, even from the beginning I was hooked. Your use of imagery and detail really helped the audience connect to the text and really feel the emotions that Elizabeth was going through. Lots of the things that you wrote about are things that many people face in life, we all have those moments were we feel alone and abandoned and that's why I felt that I was really able to connect to your story and relate to my own past experiences.
- Ivan Mejia (per.5)
This piece just has me wanting more! this piece was extremely well written and your use of detail really helped paint a picture of what it was like to be in her shoes. Your imagery was spot on and really created the sense of the lonesomeness throughout the story. Overall, this piece is amazing and your use of detail and imagery effectively impacted your audience.
The images and details you used to create a setting for the reader is really beautiful to read! This is a very interesting piece and I also love the transitions from present to flashback.
- Luis Matute (Per 4)
This piece just has me wanting more! this piece was extremely well written and your use of detail really helped paint a picture of what it was like to be in her shoes. Your imagery was spot on and really created the sense of the lonesomeness throughout the story. Overall, this piece is amazing and your use of detail and imagery effectively impacted your audience.
- Kendra Gonzalez
Definitely loved this story Amber! You had lots of imagery and detail, like the sound of the rain. The descriptiveness of the story really helped convey the tone and atmosphere of the story as a whole. You can really tell how Elizabeth is feeling because of how you took us through her past.
Amber, your story was so captivating. There wasn't a moment I stopped reading because I was so anxious to know what came next. Your incredible attention to detail provided the readers with endless imagery. Giving the house an address made it seem more personal, as if I were in Elizabeth's shoes. I loved reading your piece. 10/10
- Brooke Leslie
The way you used imagery and detail to create a setting is absolutely gorgeous. The first couple sentences really hooked me in with the way you described the house and its stark differences to other houses on the street. I also really liked the way Elizabeth connected certain locations in her house to personal (scarring) recollections about her family and how it all suddenly comes together on why she fled from home.
- Luis Matute Period 4
The way you used imagery and detail to create a setting for the reader is absolutely gorgeous. I was hooked by the first couple sentences. I also really liked the way Elizabeth connected certain locations in her house to specific, and scarring, memories about her family.
- Luis Matute Period 4
You are truly a talented writer. This piece was absolutely intriguing and kept me on the edge of my seat. your use of detail and imagery made this piece what it is. Good job.
- Camryn Greer Period 6
The imagery in this was great, I felt like I was with Elizabeth the whole time! Great piece, beautifully written!! -Alyssa Nelson
Amber, You did such an amazing job. You really had a really good introduction to your story you had me hooked. You're very talented. It was a very creative piece of literature. With your choice of diction and imagery really brought the picture to me. It was well written. Good Job!!!!
-Jasmine Hernandez
You exhibited an amazing use of imagery that seemed to tie in the whole piece together seamlessly! I felt like I was truly there in the distance on that gloomy street observing her make these poignant realizations. I'm extremely enthusiastic for what else is to come next from your writing.
- Jennifer Flores
First of all, the imagery throughout this entire piece is great, I can practically see what this old abandoned house looks like, as well as have a pretty clear image of what the neighborhood looks like. I really like how the story presents its questions almost simultaneously with its answers, how soon after we learn that she ran away from home, we learn why. I also really like how much emotion is present in Elizabeth, through not only how she feels returning to the house, but also how she felt leaving and hiding in her flashbacks. Finally, I like how the story ends on a hopeful note for Elizabeth with her realizing that she may not be the only kid in her seemingly perfect neighborhood to be in a family like her own, and while that may seem sad or bleak for the rest of the neighborhood, it feels hopeful for Elizabeth who has had a mostly sad story, projecting her as not on her own.
Your use of imagery really helped me to put myself into this story and envision what was going on. From start to finish I was hooked and intrigued by your diction and details throughout. Great piece!
The imagery of this story really took me on a trip and let me fully be engulfed by it as well. I felt like I was there in that building looking directly at it. I want to know more about Elizabeth and get to know her whole story. The ending of the story was just beautiful, great job!!
Amber, the whole meaning of this story is very ambiguous and adds a sort of ominous feel- which grabs the readers attention and keeps it until the final sentence. Once I started reading, I knew I had to see how it ended. I love how the story is kind of formatted like stream of consciousness, as it focuses on the main character's thoughts and emotions. The use of imagery perfectly captures the sort of convoluted relationship within the family. Your story read a lot like poetry and flowed beautifully. Great job!
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