“You don’t really mean that do you?” He said, stung by the harsh remarks made by his
friend.
“Of course I do. You’re nothing, but a worthless piece of garbage! Do you really believe
that your life is ACTUALLY valuable. Please, don’t flatter yourself.”
The friend’s words cut deep into the man, tearing away at the very little self-esteem he
had left. He’s right, I am just a complete waste. Why do I even bother to try to convince myself that I’m not ...no... He’s wrong.
“What? Nothing left to say? Psshh- That’s what I thought. Sit there and loathe at your patheticness-”
“No! You’re wrong! Everything you say about me isn’t true. Dr. Quinn told me not to listen to you! She told me that my life is actually meaningful. That I was put here for a reason.” He desperately remembered what Dr. Quinn told him.
“Remember the three things I told you to do during your episodes Mr. Freigner,” said Dr. Quinn.
“Yes I do, stay calm, think positive, and...-”
“And most importantly, breathe,” replied Dr. Quinn
Mr. Freigner sat down and began to take in slow breaths, inhaling through the nose and
exhaling through the mouth. Think positive! Think positive! However, with every single breath he took in he felt his lungs becoming tighter and tighter. It felt as if his chest was being crushed by an enormous amount of pressure. He felt that his chest was going to give out and collapse, yet he took in even larger breaths in hopes that it’ll somehow take away the weight.
“Do you really believe what Dr. Quinn says is true! Please, all she cares about is getting
paid just like the rest of us. She actually doesn’t care about you, she just sits there and listens to
your whining because she knows that in the end she’ll be able to go home and get away from
your complaints. Think positive my ass!”
His words were like a boa constrictor, tightening around Mr. Freigner. He felt like a helpless animal caught in the clasp of their predator, facing the final moments of their life as he’s preyed upon.
The gun he thought to himself. No I shouldn’t! I was specifically told to ignore it no matter what!
Mr. Freigner slowly opened his eyes and began to relax his breathing. His eyes motioned to that forbidden tool, he just couldn’t resist it. He slowly got up and began motioning towards the weapon.
“Finally, you stopped breathing! To be completely honest you were just getting flat out annoying! Then again, when are you not? Wait? What are you doing with that gun-”
“SHUT UP! FOR GOD’S SAKE SHUT UP! I’M SICK AND TIRED OF EVERYTHING YOU SAY TO ME!”
The friend began to sweat profusely and his face became pale as the surrounding walls of the room. He stuttered, “N-Now wait a second! Why are you holding that?! T-They specifically told us to never grab that!”
“I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU TELL ME! I’M NOT GOING TO JUST STAND HERE IDLE ANY LONGER! I WON’T LET YOU INSULT ME WITH YOUR BITING REMARKS ANYMORE! I’M DONE WITH IT! DONE!”
His words were like a boa constrictor, tightening around Mr. Freigner. He felt like a helpless animal caught in the clasp of their predator, facing the final moments of their life as he’s preyed upon.
The gun he thought to himself. No I shouldn’t! I was specifically told to ignore it no matter what!
Mr. Freigner slowly opened his eyes and began to relax his breathing. His eyes motioned to that forbidden tool, he just couldn’t resist it. He slowly got up and began motioning towards the weapon.
“Finally, you stopped breathing! To be completely honest you were just getting flat out annoying! Then again, when are you not? Wait? What are you doing with that gun-”
“SHUT UP! FOR GOD’S SAKE SHUT UP! I’M SICK AND TIRED OF EVERYTHING YOU SAY TO ME!”
The friend began to sweat profusely and his face became pale as the surrounding walls of the room. He stuttered, “N-Now wait a second! Why are you holding that?! T-They specifically told us to never grab that!”
“I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU TELL ME! I’M NOT GOING TO JUST STAND HERE IDLE ANY LONGER! I WON’T LET YOU INSULT ME WITH YOUR BITING REMARKS ANYMORE! I’M DONE WITH IT! DONE!”
Mr. Freigner then instinctively placed the gun at the side of his friend’s head, pressing
deeply against his temple and rhythmically shoving the gun with every spitted word. His head
began to throb with an immense pain, as if his head was being brutally crushed by his own skull
and he felt the room begin to enclose on him.
“Do you think pointing that gun at my head is going to scare me into respecting you?! Don’t flatter yourself. I want you to understand that I am the ONLY person that’ll ever show a glimpse of care for you! No one cares about you Freigner!”
“SHUT UP OR I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL PULL THE TRIGGER! I’LL PULL THIS GOD DAMN TRIGGER RIGHT NOW,” exclaimed Mr. Freigner as his face burned red with searing tears endlessly streaming down his face. “Out of all people, why are you saying this to me? WHY YOU?!”
“How many times do I have to spell it out for you, you’re worthless!” “Don’t say that! You don’t mean it!”
“YES I DO! YOU’RE WORTHLESS! WORTHLESS! WORTHL-” “ SHUT UP!”
A loud bang fills the empty noise of the room. Then, the sound of a gun and Mr. Freigner’s lone corpse thudding against the floor echoes throughout the testing room.
Suddenly, the sound of an intercom buzzes through the room as a voice speaks through it saying, “Subject C-13 is now inoperative. Test is complete. Proceed cleanup.” Three strange men enter the room wearing perfectly clean, pearly white lab coats carrying a stretcher. Two of the men grab Mr. Freigner’s lone, dead body and place it upon the stretcher while the other cleans up the crimson stains.
“Do you think pointing that gun at my head is going to scare me into respecting you?! Don’t flatter yourself. I want you to understand that I am the ONLY person that’ll ever show a glimpse of care for you! No one cares about you Freigner!”
“SHUT UP OR I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL PULL THE TRIGGER! I’LL PULL THIS GOD DAMN TRIGGER RIGHT NOW,” exclaimed Mr. Freigner as his face burned red with searing tears endlessly streaming down his face. “Out of all people, why are you saying this to me? WHY YOU?!”
“How many times do I have to spell it out for you, you’re worthless!” “Don’t say that! You don’t mean it!”
“YES I DO! YOU’RE WORTHLESS! WORTHLESS! WORTHL-” “ SHUT UP!”
A loud bang fills the empty noise of the room. Then, the sound of a gun and Mr. Freigner’s lone corpse thudding against the floor echoes throughout the testing room.
Suddenly, the sound of an intercom buzzes through the room as a voice speaks through it saying, “Subject C-13 is now inoperative. Test is complete. Proceed cleanup.” Three strange men enter the room wearing perfectly clean, pearly white lab coats carrying a stretcher. Two of the men grab Mr. Freigner’s lone, dead body and place it upon the stretcher while the other cleans up the crimson stains.
“Wow, the tests are getting done much quicker now. How many days do you guess the
next one will last?”
“I don’t know, about 4? Honestly, at this rate we’ll be able to complete these tests in less than a day. Dr. Quinn is going to purify this world!”
The sounds of footsteps outside the door echo in the hallway. They're getting louder with every approaching step. Knock, knock.
“Come in,” replies Dr. Quinn
An unfamiliar man walks in and says, “Uhhh... I'm here for the clinical trial. You help people suffering from schizophrenia, right?”
A slight chuckle bellows from Dr. Quinn as she replies, “ Yes. Please, come in.”
“I don’t know, about 4? Honestly, at this rate we’ll be able to complete these tests in less than a day. Dr. Quinn is going to purify this world!”
The sounds of footsteps outside the door echo in the hallway. They're getting louder with every approaching step. Knock, knock.
“Come in,” replies Dr. Quinn
An unfamiliar man walks in and says, “Uhhh... I'm here for the clinical trial. You help people suffering from schizophrenia, right?”
A slight chuckle bellows from Dr. Quinn as she replies, “ Yes. Please, come in.”
25 comments:
Your words and emotions that you put through the characters really hits me hard, almost as if I am those characters and experiencing what they're experiencing. The ending was a real twist as well, and it caught me off-guard, in a good way! This was a great piece! :-)
Unsettling and disturbing; well done. There's so much I want to know: Who Dr. Quinn is? How does he meet his patients? What are his plans for world domination?
The only recommendation I have is to proofread for formatting. The line breaks are inconsistent.
Honestly I was pretty confused when I first started reading this, but when you explained what was actually happening near the middle of the story it blew my mind! (No pun intended) I like the way you formatted the conversation, as it made it very easy to read, and if you were to write more to this story I would certainly read more, as the story sort of ends on a cliffhanger, and I'm still a little bit confused on what is really going on. All in all this way a really good short story. Good job Kevin!
Wow I didn't see that coming. In the beginning I thought it was just a guy in a psych ward then it progressively got darker. I like how you twisted the story and added that unexpected ending. It makes me want to learn more about what's this Dr. Quinn's deal and how she feels this is the way to deal with people suffering from schizophrenia.
"OH MY GOSH, WHAAAT?!", was my reaction when I finished your piece. This story was incredible and had me hooked until the very end. I began reading faster and faster after each conversation, wanting to know what Mr. Freigner was going to do as well as the conversation with Dr. Quinn and his new "patient". The plot twist of your blog post was unbelievable and I had to wrap my head around what the heck just happened. In my opinion, this should be made into a movie. Great job!!
Wow. I really was not expecting that at the end. I was trying to predict the story the whole time, and I thought I had it down, and you switched it up on me last second! Anyway, this piece really makes me wonder about your inspiration, have you had any experiences with people that have schizophrenia? Or are you just one of those authors that understands the plights of others? Great job with the characters and suspense. I really enjoyed your story.
Oh my god, what a thriller! I honestly had no idea how this story was gonna end, and you kept me on the edge of my seat theoughout all of it! I’m so impressed by this story, I highly suggest continuing on this storyline somewhere, I would love to know more about Dr. Quinn and her experiments, and especially what happens to the new patient. Keep up the great work! :)
-Carianne Lefebvre
This is a very well written and thorough thought out story Kevin. this piece is truly a masterpiece and if im being completely honest, I dont think I would be able to tell the difference between you, and Shakespeare. You're writing simply had so much meaning and kept me on the edge of my seat all throughout. This was truly a splendid job Kevin. I couldn't be prouder.
Oh. My. Goodness. This story blew me away completely! The character dialogue had me infatuated and I was absolutely surprised by the ending. I enjoy stories with dark undertones and yours certainly peaked my interest. Very good job on portraying Mr. Freigner's thought process and emotions. I enjoyed your story thoroughly!
WOW Kevin this story truly kept me at the edge of my seat. I love how you began the story in the midst of a heated moment, it truly kept me interested, as I tried to figure what was happening. Phenomenal job, I love how you revealed the premise of the story at the very end, I never would have guessed that Mr. Freigner had schizophrenia and that the gun was in fact pointed at himself! I loved this story, good work!
-Kyla Hardy
That was amazing! I was at the edge of my seat and waiting to see what happens next. The plot twist really got to me. It all went so smooth and then the plot twist and your just like wow. Its Amazing!
The ending had me so dumbfounded. I was not expecting that at all. I want to know what happened to Mr. Freigner and Dr. Quinn! Although the story was quite dark, I found myself invested and interested. I'm also curious as to what inspired you with this story as it was so compelling and unique. Good job!
This is a ridiculous story Kevin. The way this piece ended came out of the blue. This is one of the best stories I have read. You have to add onto it and make another story! The way you portrayed the Dr. Quinn character left the audience hanging with many questions about her such as, who she is exactly? and what her experiments are? Once again, great job on writing such a thrilling story; I hope to read some more in the future.
I loved your story, it was so thrilling and suspenseful! I appreciated how you used all caps when the characters were enraged because it really portrayed their anger and cemented the gravity of the piece. Your use of descriptive words like "rhythmically shoving" and "sweating profusely" painted a clear picture in my mind while I was reading it. Great job!
-Elizabeth Rivera
Your complex format of storytelling absorbed my attention and kept me reading because I deeply wanted to know what exactly was going on. The dialogue was extremely powerful and realistic. I enjoyed the twist at the end, along with the reveal of what exactly was going on. My only grievance was the paragraph formatting, but that is pretty light. Great job!
The extremely specific details and the emotions you conveyed really made me feel as if I was a bystander in this crazy situation. The use of suspense was also great as it really kept the audience wanting more. Great job overall.
KEVINN! This was great, the ending took such an unexpected turn I had to reread to make sure it was really happening. The tone of your story truly kept me intrigued because the characters were so angry and filled with anxiety. The moment in which you said, "His words were like a boa constrictor, tightening around Mr. Freigner." I comprehended how hurtful words can truly be to a person. Your story was fantastic, Great job !
Wow, simply breathtaking. I love your writing style it is so descriptive with just the right amount. Your subtle foreshadowing to the unsettling end were very artfully included. This short story piques my interest in all the other aspects not explicitly explored here. I'd love to know more about the characters yet I'm also satisfied with the twist ending. Great Job!
This story held my attention the whole time. I thought it was schizophrenia, but I also thought it could just be an friend who was an asshole. The twist at the end with the intercom and the crazy scientist throw me. It was so good. The writing at the end reminded me of the Emily Dickinson poem about death.
Honestly, my jaw dropped when I realized that this was a test and Dr. Quinn was actually this twisted doctor who observed people with schizophrenia. One of my close friends deals with this mental illness and I can’t even imagine his day-to-day life, so in a way, this story helps shine a light in their complex minds. I really enjoyed how the story never got boring! I was at the edge of my seat the whole time. Great job.
OMG I definitely did not see that coming! Your story had me on edge, wanting to know what was going to happen next. I really enjoyed the character dialogue because it was so intense! The descriptive language you used such as the line, "His words were like a boa constrictor, tightening around Mr. Freigner" made it easy for me to imagine the scenario in my head, Overall, this piece had so much emotion and suspense, I would love to read another story from you!
I won't lie, I am a bit confused still. I love how the story flows. Starting from the title, I had the impression that it was piece about depression and self struggle. I wasn't expecting it to be fictional characters, but still it initially conveyed what I suspected. Then a gun gets into the mix, and the tension builds—I have no idea if he plans on killing himself or his friend or what— but then finally the climax. The description, oooo it made me shiver with the corpse and gun thudding in the room and echoing. BUT THEN YOU GOTTA GO AND ADD A WHOLE OTHER LAYER, and I'm left wanting more. I want answers. Overall, I guess all I can say is fantastic job Kevin
I'm actually overwhelmed, but not in a bad way. The plot twist really got me good, like I was really caught offguard for a good 2 minutes. I wonder how you come up with story ideas like this, but anyways, I really enjoyed this. Great job!
Wow. This was so great, I really did not expect that ending at all. I really enjoyed how this whole story kept me in suspense and wanting more. I liked when you used caps when the characters were angry because it showed that they were genuinely distressed. I loved the twist at the end, and I'd love to read more!
This was thrilling! The ending was shocking. It provides insight into the minds of those who are suffering in silence. Why does Dr. Quinn believe that people with schizophrenia must be eradicated? This symbolizes how society views those with severe mental illness with disdain.
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