“5 stages of grief” By Angela O

 “ ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG”
Denial- It didn’t make any sense to me, there was absolutely no way it was true. It had to be a nightmare, I would wake up and things would be back to normal. In my head I thought of a thousand different scenarios that could disprove the most obvious one. My mind was working harder than ever to try to comfort myself from what I knew was inevitable. I was trying to make sense of something that to this day remains senseless, and something that I know I will never be able to make sense of. At this time all logic and reason had escaped me, they betrayed me in the time I needed them most.
Anger- Then I got mad. Mad because it shouldn’t have happened. Mad because she deserved better. If anyone deserved to live a long happy life it was her. Mad because she was too young. Mad because she deserved more time. Mad because I knew there were things she deserved to experience that now she never would. Mad because her little sister deserved more time with her. Mad because she was a good person, she was the only person I’ve ever met that was really true to who she really was. She gave life color and quirkiness. So yeah, you could say I was angry, I was filled with anger, I felt like I had the right to be, because it still didn’t make sense and I desperately needed it to.
Bargaining- I’m not a particularly religious person, but suddenly I had to be. I needed a miracle. I prayed and maybe I didn’t do it hard enough or I didn’t do it right, but I prayed more in a few days than I had done in the span of my life. I promised that if she got her miracle, I would never sin, I would be a great person, I would devote my life to helping others and I would be for people what she had been for me. I tried to negotiate, and I know that’s not how things work but I was desperate and I was willing to try anything. I promised that I would devote my life to religion, I’d do whatever I needed to do if she would just get a miracle.
Depression-But all that anger and confusion washed away, and it morphed into something a lot worse, and a whole lot harder to get out of. I became consumed with a type of sadness I had never experienced anything remotely close to. There is something called broken heart syndrome, it’s an actual condition where extreme stress can cause heart muscle failure, the

feeling almost imitates a heart attack, and well I became familiar with that sensation. I found it hard to function, to breathe. After that, I found it hard to find the humor or the good in anything, something that I had learned from her. She ignited a spark in me that died shortly after she did. Growing up I had always heard people say how everyday they thought of a particular event or person, it was a concept I couldn’t grasp, I think maybe because I didn’t think I cared about anything enough to think about it every day. But I get it now, almost three years later and not one day passes without her crossing my mind. After she went I felt like I couldn’t laugh, as if laughing would be making a mockery of the situation, as if I’d be failing her if I did. I found living to be pointless, if someone as good as her could be stripped away for no reason then there was no point. I felt hopeless and alone, although she had touched the lives of many people and I knew there were many people who felt the same way or worse, I still felt alone.
Acceptance-But in the end I knew I had to move on and make peace, because no matter how much I thought about it and how much it didn’t make sense, there was nothing I or anybody could do to change it. In life she made everyone smile, and I owed it to her to make sure that even in death she would do the same. I accepted the fact that the memories I had with her would be the only ones I would ever have, and I began to cherish them fully. I figured I would live my life in dedication to her, and do the things I know she would’ve wanted to do. I accepted that I would have good days and some days would be bad. I sometimes would wish I had never met her, so I would never have felt the pain of losing her, but now I know how foolish that is because the memories I made with her were worth the sadness I still feel. In the hospital I thanked her parents for bringing such a great person into the world, because meeting her was the greatest gift I’ve ever gotten. I learned so much from her and still continue to learn from the way she chose to live her life. I hope she’s proud of me, and all the things I’ve accomplished, I hope she knows she gave me the courage and strength I needed. She was my friend, no doubt the best one I’ll ever have, but now she can be something even better, my favorite angel.
For my friend, Dana