"Understanding" by Sara A.

Growing up, you hear stories about people getting sick, you see movies about people losing their hair and having weird machines set up around them. The great thing about being little is that you don’t understand what that all means, you just see it as something that happens to other people. But then you get a little older and you start to understand that those things don’t just happen to the people on the big screens, they happen to everyday people. But here’s the catch of still being little…you have this unwavering belief that your family is completely safe from any kind of sickness. You still don’t fully understand that those things can happen to you and your family.

            Then one day, you come home and see your family sitting around the kitchen table. It’s completely silent and you know something’s wrong. It’s never quiet at the kitchen table unless something is wrong. And even as you are sitting down in the chair that has become your spot over the years, you still don’t understand. You don’t understand the words that are coming out of your idols mouth. Cancer.

 Six letters. One word. And yet you just can’t seem to understand. You think back to all the movies you’ve seen, all the stories you’ve heard and have no choice but to sit there and let the words wash over you. “Surgery,” “Tumors,” “Chemo” “Radiation,”  “Cancer, Cancer, Cancer.”

            You watch the tears slide down your mother’s face; you see the empty look in your father eyes and the hands that hide your sister’s face, knowing that there are tears in her eyes. Finally you look at your idol who is sitting across from you, the way she has every day since you can remember. But you don’t see the tears, instead you see that her chin in raised in defiance. She looks at you and she watches as you take in everyone’s reactions and as the tears start to fall from your own eyes.

She shakes her head and keeps her chin held up high

And you wonder “how the hell can she be so strong?” How is it possible that she is now holding your mother in her arms as your father wraps his arms around the both of them, and yet not a single tear has formed in her eyes.

And there you are, being forced to accept that the worst has happened to your family. Your oldest sister has cancer at the age of 23.

But somehow you still don’t understand.

2 Months Later

It was around 10 o’clock at night when it happened. Her parents were out celebrating their 26^th anniversary and her sister Esme was out with friends. She enjoyed nights like these, when the house was silent and the only noise was that of the soft music she had playing and the laughter that came from the computer screen. It was a tradition to Skype with her sister every Thursday night and this day was no different. The conversation started with the typical “I miss you” and then her eldest sister would began to tell her of the adventures she had that week in the foreign world of Italy. Her idol told her about her trip to the oldest bridge in Europe and how she and her roommates had slept outside of an airport because they missed their flight and didn’t have enough money for a hotel room. And then it was her turn to talk about her week. She went on and on about her birthday that had been two days before and how she loved the gift that she sent her, and they made plans to go out to dinner when her idol returned to celebrate both of their birthdays because they wouldn’t be together when they passed.

            And then without any warnings or signs it happened.

            The blood didn’t start off slowly, but all at once. And then the screaming, she didn’t realize she was screaming until her scream was the only thing she could hear. Her idol was having a seizure on the other side of the world and she had no power to help her. She watched in terror as she fell on her side and the blood poured from her mouth. And no matter how much she screamed it wouldn’t stop. She yelled and yelled for her roommates but as she yelled she knew no one was going hear her because her sister had been talking to her with her earphones plugged in. Someone finally walked in and saw her idol lying across the bed with shaky movements and the blood.  After her roommates found her idol they jumped into action, they did everything that she couldn’t do for her own sister. 3 hours and 42 minutes later, one of the roommates finally saw her crying on the computer screen. She had waited and waited because she needed to know. She needed to see that she was alright. She needed to know that the cancer wasn’t catching up.

            Another hour and 13 minutes pass and she is lying in bed with the silence surrounding her. And she can feel the emptiness that surrounds her heart, but most of all she feels the sense of uselessness that has overtaken her mind. Then the anxiety hit her, and for the first time she welcomed the demon that she fought against, anything to take away the images.