I was walking around the neighborhood when I passed by a new
antique store. Intrigued by it, I walked in and a tall man greeted me. As I
walked around a small black box caught my eye. I picked up the box and was
surprised by its heavy weight. I tried to open the box but it wouldn’t budge.
“Don’t bother trying to open it, I’ve tried too.” Said the tall man in a heavy
Geordie accent.
“Why not?” I asked. “You can have it for free.”
I tried to ask
him more question but he walked away and ignored me. Rude, I thought. I placed the box in my bag and left the store.
When I got home, I positioned the box on my desk and stared at it. Why did he give it to me for free? I
decided not to worry about it and went to sleep. The next morning, I went on
with my daily routine and found myself staring at the box again. I picked it up
and examined it. As I did so, I noticed a glowing red dot on the box. That’s weird, I thought as I furrowed my
eyebrows in confusion. I placed the box back in its place and went on with my
day. Days passed, I haven’t picked up the box ever since I discovered the
glowing red dot. I feel uneasy, as if someone was watching me. It became hard
for me to sleep. Now, my nights are filled with tossing and turning. I had a
conspiracy that the box was actually the cause of my sleepless nights but
that’s just me talking crazy. Should I
throw the box away? I thought to myself. More days passed and I became
paranoid.
I threw the box away but nothing changed. I feel like I’m being
watched every second of the day. I stopped going out, I only stayed in my room.
I’m going crazy, I said to myself. I
laid down on my bed and stared at the ceiling. Suddenly, the lights went off
and I heard the front door open, a voice said “Where are you, pet?” I
recognized that voice, it was the tall man from the antique store. I panicked
and tried to open my window so I can escape. The window wouldn’t open. I heard him
walking down the hallway. Tears rolled down my face and my heart started to
beat faster. I heard him laugh as he walked to me.
“Where do you think you’re
going?” he said as he pushed me down. “You see that box right there?” I shook
my head yes. “Did you know that it was a camera?” He said as he stooped down
over me. “Surprised, aren’t you?” I tried to scream for help but nothing came
out. “Sweet dreams.” He said with a daunting laugh. That’s when everything went
black.
21 comments:
Hey! Nice story well written I like how you included the girls thoughts and how you gave in details of the surroundings.
-vymian san
This story actually had me kind of scared a little. This story was very well detailed. You should make a part two because I want to find out what happen to her.
~Mia Tolliver
period 2
I loved your story and all the mystery that came with it. I enjoyed your use of detail and imagery to help advance the stories suspense and mystery at the same time. The use of an actual plausible situation rather than something sci-fi is also a great twist on the mysterious plot. The ending was also interesting and kept me wondering how the girls story ended up. Very good job!
Nate Shepard
P.1
This story is nice, and also scary, especially the part where the lights go out and the guy finds her house.
This story is really good Chiquitita. I enjoyed the suspense and how this was a plausible scary story. If someone ever offers me a black box for free I'm going to run away screaming.
I really enjoyed this story because it kind of got me scared and creeped out. I thought the box would have some magic powers but it turned out to be a hidden camera. You did a great job with details as well good job!
Really great story. You established a strong eerie tone from the beginning to the end. I love the escalation throughout the story, really kept me interested. I appreciate the use of describing the characters expressions and emotions, as well as giving the tall creepy man a Geordie accent. It made the tall creepy man more distinct and mysterious. I also liked how the black box was a camera, I was not expecting that.
This story was really good and well written. I loved the suspense and mystery that occurred because of the box and the shop owner. I'm curious to what will happen next. Good job!!
Wow! I love stories with that creepy/mysterious atmosphere! The way you described the main character's emotions through out the story not only complimented the creepy atmosphere but helped the reader connect more to the character. Great job!
-Daniel Alaniz
Period 4
Noah Martinez
p.2
wow good job putting suspense through out the story great job.
Hey Chiqui!
I enjoyed reading your story, it was very suspenseful and intense. You did a great job on characterizing the man from the antique shop as a creep, it gave the reader a bit of a hint. The tone also helped create the suspense of the story and it gave a mysterious feel to it. The ending put me on my toes, when you stated " That's when everything went black." All that I was thinking was, "Did she die? or did he take her? or kidnap her? or what?" Overall, I really enjoyed your piece. Great job!
Grace Panjaitan
period 4
I liked your story. My favorite part was the end when the girl was hearing the man's voice. I enjoyed the suspense of your story.
-Jocelyn Rangel
P.2
I hate stories without a definite ending! Ahh! whats going to happen? Is she okay? It was beautifully written, and i enjoyed reading it.
Josie Starr
Period 2
I hate stories without a definite ending! Ahh! whats going to happen? Is she okay? It was beautifully written, and i enjoyed reading it.
Josie Starr
Period 2
There should definitely be a part two to this story! It had me thinking towards the end! Great job overall!
Per 2
This was a very creepy, but interesting story. I love creepy stories. I liked your use of imagery, I was expecting something creepy to come out of the box. I wasn’t expecting the man from the antique store to have anything to do with it, so that was a good twist at the end. Great Job!
Kaleha Spencer
Period: 4
I really enjoyed this story. I liked the overall mysterious tone that was associated with the box and the fact that the girl could already sense something was wrong with it before its meaning was revealed. The ending was surprising and so creepy. This is a really great, well written piece. Good job!
I really enjoyed this story, had a lot of suspense. It had me thinking towards the end. Great Story
Joseph Mendez
Per.2
Very creepy story, I loved the suspense in the story with the red dot! Loved the story overall.
- Anthony Chao, Period 6
great job, I didn't except that turn in the story ! I honestly do not know what I would have done in that situation. Amazing job chiqui!!!
“Wow! Really well done! Looks like a plot line for an episode of Black Mirror! The structure of the sentences – the fluidity and adequate use of vocabulary really help portray the horrific and distressed emotion of the girl, in the beginning, middle and end. The tone, although quiet dark overall, shifted from a suspenseful aura towards a frightened and horrific tone with the use of a well thought out sequence of events. I also quite enjoyed the allusion, although not quite explicitly given, of Pandora’s Box; the curiosity of the human nature can cause havoc on one’s self or even others. Well done yet again.
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