About 12,074
years into the future humans would have colonized all of the solar system. From Mercury to Pluto, humans have induced
their culture upon these planets. All of
which had been created by a German scientist, Daniel Volksberg, who after 20
years had invented a hand held teleportation device which can teleport anything
and anyone anywhere in the universe at a speed faster than light. However, before these planets were inhabited
by humans Volksberg, his dog, and team of researchers had to examine and
explore these planets. Here are their
accounts of their experiences during the journey.
(Day One Departure for Journey) “Hey
Sam”, said Daniel, “You ready for the trip?” Sam replied, “I think so.” Daniel
replied, “Did you remember to bring your stuffed animal?” Both men laughed and
waited for the others to arrive at the laboratory where they will be
transporting to their first destination, Pluto.
There were six of them in all that would be embarking, Daniel Volksberg
(lead engineer of project), Sam Thompson (meteorologist and geologist), Jacob
Conley (biologist), Larry McDonald (medical doctor), Joseph Conley (brother of
Jacob Conley and Daniel Volksberg’s assistant engineer), and Daniel’s all black
German shepherd, Boji (a Native American dialect name for “Bear”). All the men were equipped with a hyper cube
which was a 4 inch by 4 inch by 4 inch that cube used quantum physics in order
to store all the materials the men will use throughout the journey. With all the men ready, the teleportation had
started and in a fraction of a second they were gone!
(Boom!) They had teleported
thousands of light years away to Pluto, where surprisingly there was an
atmosphere of breathable air so they did not need their exoskeleton suits. What seemed to be a lifeless planet because
of its very cold climate and rugged rocky terrain, soon would become active with
consequences. The men had set up camp
and Sam asked, “What are we doing in this deserted waste land of a
planet?” Daniel replied with, “We are
here to explore the land for anything unusual and useful that we could take
back to Earth and analyze.” After finish
discussing what the men believed were the plans of the trip they settled down
for the night. They men were unaware of
Daniel’s true purpose of the journey; which was to find the undiscovered
treasures that lied in the planets.
After some days of examining and gathering samples of the planet the men
decided to move on to their other planet destination which was Venus. It was decided that Sam and Larry would stay
behind and continue to gather more samples of the planet. The men packed their necessary belongings and
in a blink of an eye they were transported to Venus.
Once on Venus the men needed to wear their exoskeleton suits
due to the unstable atmosphere. The planet was covered in plants and forests
making the climate very tropical. Daniel
knew this was the place where he would find the riches he was seeking. The men quickly set up camp due to the fact
that the days on Venus were much shorter than what they were accustomed to on
Earth. While Jacob and Joseph were
examining the terrain Daniel was scheming a plan to how he would transport his
treasures back to Earth. But, soon
everything would change. As the men approached their camp they noticed their transmission
beacon beaming which indicated a missed transmission from their colleagues on Pluto. The men quickly responded back and received a
distress call from Larry, “Hey Daniel it is Larry, I have bad news, Sam does
not seem to be doing well; he seems to have contracted some illness that I
cannot diagnose.” (Larry turned the camera towards Sam which revealed warts all
over his body. ) Just as Daniel was
about to respond Larry yelled out, “Oh my God what is that!” A loud
growl and yell was heard and the transmission was disconnected. Just as Jacob, Joseph, and Daniel were trying
to figure out what had just occurred in Pluto Boji began to bark. The men all turned around and were bewildered
to see …
21 comments:
Bewildered to see what?! This is NOT fair! This is not a proper ending! We need to know what they saw! Ugh ... Haha Overall though, it was an extraordinary short story, it really left many mysteries and i like how it was space themed and future themed two of my most favorite things. Great Job!
-Jose Mancillas
Aaron, this was great! The prevailing influence of science fiction reminded me of something that Ray Bradbury would have written. Your inclusion of dialogue really helped to add a sense of reality to the story and also worked to advance the plot. I appreciated the vivid imagery you used to describe the physical conditions of the planets; without it, it would have been difficult to adequately visualize what was taking place. The suspense of the final sentence awakened my curiosity and made me want to keep reading. If you were to expand this paper, I think it would make a great movie for the Sci-Fi channel!
-Christina Tapia
Wow this was an amazing piece! I liked how you left it hanging in the end, making it suspensful. I really want to know what they saw!! I loved the way you used imagery and I felt like I was actually in it. I believe that you should finish the paper for I know you have many great ideas. I enjoyed reading this piece. You did a great job!
I loved the suspenseful ending! You definately left me wanting more. I loved your used of strong details and the imagery you used made me feel as though I was living in the same era as the scientists. You used detail from giving an explanation of the name of the dog Boji to the fact that the "hyper cube" used quantum physics which I though was excellent. In your story, transportation to Pluto and Venus made sense and appealed to me up until the alien monster attacked them! This piece made me realize how much i miss reading sci-fi novels. Great job
Great, a cliffhanger! Just kidding, how could you do this to us??? I must know what happened! Too bad for me I suppose. Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this piece, the SciFi feel to it was refreshing and kept me interested until the end. Good job Aaron!
Too good!!! The detailed background information of the team, the view on the planets, and the dialogues between the researchers has made this piece seem so realistic! I liked how you've slowly progressed in your story to reach the climax, then all of a sudden, it abruptly ends and you leave the reader to fill in the blank with their own imagination. Very well thought out! Wish I knew what happened next.
-Ben Chang
this was amazing writing filled with suspense. I want to know what happens! Climax in this piece is great.
What? What happened?! The detail used in your story kept it interesting because it reinforced the fact that this was set in the future and kept it intriguing, I can tell you put a lot of thought into your story because even in the smallest details you kept your story futuristic ... I didn't even realize I was at the end until I got there! I didn't expect the turn it took because you had pointed out one of the team members had a different goal than the others so I was expecting that to start problems! Great use of imagery to really move the story along, it was really easy to picture where the characters were. Two Thumbs Up !!
Aaron why would you do this? I really want to know what happened. I love stories like these though because then I can create my own ending to it and it makes it more imaginative. The feeling of reading a science fiction novel stuck with me until it came to the end. Great Job.
Nice cliff hanger. You did a great job of setting up your idea and I'm sure if you write more it will be great. Now I did notice some grammatical errors and some spelling errors which somewhat watered down what you were trying to say. Beyond those few blips you did a great job.
-Lauren Williams
Good plot. The story was very entertaining and had the reader wanting more. The cliffhanger you put in was beautifully done, but very cruel to the audience. Nice job.
Aaron, your story illustrated a really vivid and intricate image in my mind. I felt like I was on the planets themselves. I can't express how upset I am with you for concluding it with a cliff hanger though! It added such a wonderful element to the story that it keeps me wanting to know what comes next! I also love how you incorporated all the scientific aspects because it really added a sense of sophistication to it all. You did really did do a lovely job.
HUH? WHAT? Finish your sentence! I must know D: Just when it was all climatic, you would end the story.. ): ... Other than my disappointment that I must now spend the night thinking of what could've happened, I was very impressed by this story. The small details, especially how the dog's name "Boji" does in fact mean "Bear" in another language, intrigued me of your knowledge that you implemented in this story. Keep it up Aaron!
Honestly this story grasped my imagination from the very beginning. I loved the sifi elements in the story and that cliff hanger at the end made my Imagination run wild about possible endings( you should really just finish it an show me one day). The only thing that I could see being wrong with this masterpiece was the lack of character development for the other crew members, if we had gotten to know them a little better perhaps we would be more distressed about their fate.
Just off the first sentence, I'm already thinking of Star Wars and even Ender's game. The first paragraph alone drew me in, the suspense and uncertainty was killing me to figure out what they discover on their journey. The ending was such a HUGE disappointment but in a good way ! WHY ARE EARTH would you leave the biggest cliffhanger?! I'm dying to know what it is that they saw! I could honestly see this story written into a book and falling along the lines of a last man fighting in a distant planet for survival! I was really intrigued by this science fiction approach and I only wish there was more! My best regards to those brave men!
I absolutely loved the little details you put into this piece! Having them might not have seemed like it was a big deal to you when you were writing them, but they truly helped me understand the piece more thoroughly (like when you used parentheses with the additional details about the characters). I was immediately drawn into the story when you used a specific number like 12,074. It truly made me curious and made me want to continue reading! Amazing job!
But please, continue this story (perhaps in another month's blog?)! I enjoyed reading this piece, and I want to find out what happens!!!
the idea of a lifeless planet was great /jakob c
This is such an amazing idea for a video! It all starts out with a lot of details and then as the story goes on, more and more of the details are lost until we can not tell what they are bewildered to see. The increase in paragraph size throughout this piece of writing also supports the idea that there is much more happening at the end than beginning. The use of many characters to distract the reader and get him lost was also very clever. Nice use of small amount of words to set a setting as compelling as this one!
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME AARON? I was very fascinated with your details of the description of the journey on Pluto and the transmission. The dialogue between the men was also effective and tied your story together. Excellent overall!
Hey Aarón!!
There's a story I could understand!! Nice mention of Quantum Physics and other scientific jargon!!That use of scientific diction really made your story more believable. I love reading sci fi literature and I could see this turning into a bestseller, you just need to finish it..... hahaha This story oozes your personality and the unfinished element at the end really foments thought on the reader's part!
I do have a bone to pick with you though: Pluto is NOT a planet. I guess we will have to talk this one out later.... JK
Great job on the story!!
I found your use of exclamations quite interesting... it made me feel as a reader, that you held a very passionate and enthusiastic tone when you wrote this piece.
The sentence in which you wrote, "What seemed to be a lifeless planet because of its very cold climate and rugged rocky terrain, soon would become active with consequences" definitely made me pause for a moment. I almost didn't want to keep reading because I was uncertain where direction of the story was heading.
And then, I was saddened. Maybe I'm a sucker for a happy ending, but I honestly did not expect the story to take that turn.
AND THAT CLIFFHANGER, DUDE. Why do you do that to me? Now my head is curious to know what happened, and what exactly happened to Sam. And the rest of the crew? What about them?
Overall, I liked how you shifted the story from serious to suspense/informality.
I was surprised how well you constructed this story, despite it being relatively short in appearance. Very well written (:
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