Darkness was all David awoke to. He
had no idea where he was and attempted to stand up, this was the point where
David realized that his hands and feet were bound with what felt like rope but
not quite. He began to get some of his sight back and he started looking for
his wife Jane. David notices her directly to the left of him also attempting to
break free of the restraints. There was something not quite right in this place,
first of all it smelled awful. As David’s
sight became more and more accustomed to the darkness he began to look about
his surroundings. He thought he could see more people in chairs just like the
one he was in. Just as Jane screams David comes to the same conclusion that she
did, those people in the chairs, are no longer people, they were dead for a
long time. Likewise, the restraints around David’s and Jane’s extremities were
not made of rope, they were made of decomposing body parts woven together.
David
looks across the room and sees something moving in the shadows. The object
reveals itself as a man in a dark overcoat.
The man moves close to David and whispers, “You-Will-Die Tonight, but
don’t worry, I will kill her first” and lets out the most hideous laugh David
has ever heard. The tabletop where the man seems to be spending the bulk of his
time is obscured from David’s view but not from Jane’s, from the look on her
face David can only guess what dreadful things might reside on the table.
David
shouts out “Why are you doing this to us?”
The
man pauses for a moment then says nonchalantly, “Because I can”
The
man walks towards Jane and not before long David feels something hot and sticky
on his skin. He looks over to see Jane’s bloody heat separated from her body,
David is amazed how far her blood squirts across the room in every direction. Some
of this blood splashes onto David’s face and into his mouth, something inside
David clicked at the taste. The Man just stood there with a grin on his face holding
the decapitated head, this was the final straw.
David
chews on the muscle around his arms until he breaks free, the man doesn’t
notice. David breaks apart the rest of the restraints, still the man doesn’t
notice. David sneaks up behind the man and jumps at him. The man shrinks away
in terror, David had no idea why he would run from him until David saw the
knife in his hand. He plunged the bloody knife into the man’s heart and rips it
out. He turns the heart inside out to look for anything resembling good inside
the man, but to him everything looked the same. Sirens blare outside so David
runs.
To
this day the police haven’t caught the “Telltale Heart”. He killed twenty-one
people, He ripped the heart out of each one, turned it inside out, and displayed
their true nature to the world.
57 comments:
I really liked how you built up suspense as the story went on. The story was very intense and intriguing. I also really liked how you used imagery, describing in detail how the blood squirted across the room. It was very horrifying to read but it effectively gave off the scary feel to the story.
Your story was very detailed and dramatic. The last two sentences nicely concluded your story.
This story was amazing. My favorite part was at the very end when David ended up becoming a cerial killer from the tell tale heart. I thought it was incredible how a totally differnt idea was used from the tell tale heart by edgar allen poe. I thought he did an amazing job, even though i wasnt particulary fond of how the story was narrated, but i thought that over all this was a great story.
- Alexandra Urena
That was truly a mind boggling, thrilling, perplexing flash fiction story. You used effective imagery that evoked several senses. Your diction was so vivid yet simultaneously horrific that at one point it felt as if I was sitting in the darkness along with the characters. I could see the dead bodies and smell the fowl odor. I found myself shuttering at the mere images. You did an absolutely wonderful job and you concluded with a powerful statement also evoking self examination. Well done.
This piece was absolutely intriguing! The use of sudden epiphanies in the beginning made the piece suspenseful and created a spooky mood. I really loved how you used the heart to symbolize good vs. evil
Wow, Sean. This is definitely a creepy tale, but so intriguing and so intricately formed. I adore the dramatic, and almost gag-inducing, detail and the twist to the story line which corresponds to the twist in the main character's stability. On not-so-rare an occasion, this is indeed the true nature of a madman; to expose the sickening lack of purity deep within humanity.
Your story is very detailed. It succeeded in making my stomach turn. But it was really tense. Knowing a loved one is going to die before you is very scary. But I would have like to have know the "Telltale Heart" as you call him. Is he against the main character and the other 21 people or is he doing it just for fun? Ether way, it's still a good story.
Oh my lanta, that was very creepy! I can honestly say I yelled ewe when you wrote of him eating the muscle restraints.. Anyways, you kept me very hooked onto what would happen next, I really wanted to know how it was going to end. The ending though, was not what I expected from the way the story was leading, maybe it was just me, but either way this is an incredible story!
Taylor R. (12) p.4
very gruesome Sean. i like that. i love how you went the dark route with the main character David's transformation. instead of witnessing evil and being inspired to fight aginst it he decides to take part in it which i thought was very clever.
- Justin M.
This story was so disturbingly brilliant! I don't know if you've ever seen the show Dexter but it totally had that feel. The twist at the end made me want to read again. Actually, I read it to my mom and she loved it too. I also thought his reasoning for becoming a serial killing was unique.
I loved your story! I adore mysteries and I felt as if I were watching a crime show unfold as I read your piece. Your use of descriptive imagery was superb; I have a complete mental image of the eerie room in which David witnessed the death of his wife. I found the contrast between the Man's motive for killing and that of David's quite intriguing. Whereas the former was utterly repulsive and ghastly, the quality of indignation associated with the latter made it appear almost noble. I was genuinely impressed with how effortlessly you provided a glimpse into the complex mind of a serial killer.
-Christina Tapia
Your short story is packed with gory images, and the way you incorporated four of the five senses in the first paragraph—the darkness, the tied limbs, the awful smell, and the scream of Jane—made the whole thing more realistic and allowed me to fall into the setting. A very well written piece overall!
-Ben C.
Oh wow Sean! I really love your story! I love stories that have to do with crime and mystery since they keep me on the edge of my seat! I also liked how descriptive you were and I was able to see everything that was happening as the story went on. I also loved the ending and how you were able to tie all the loose ends as to why this person was doing this. Overall, I really loved it and if it was a book I would buy it in a heart beat!
I started reading with a certain degree of apprehension towards the piece. I don't usually pick gory novels to read, because they rarely have a good plot(in my opinion). This piece pleasantly surprised me though. I especially liked that you introduced a twist in the last paragraph that made me switch who I thought was the "Bad Guy." It also makes us think about David's motivation and whether his actions were justified or not. It also makes us think about ourselves; would we react in the same way? The fact that you were able to introduce this and not limit it to detached body parts and blood is what makes the story exceptional in my opinion.
The imagery used is really great because I can picture in my head the room with all of the dead people and blood when it lands on David's face. I really loved the suspense that was there as you kept reading. The gory images in the story made the story even more suspenseful because there was no clue on who would die next. I really liked this story overall.
I don't usually read gory stories so I approached this story with apprehension. In the end, I was pleasantly surprised. I liked that you didn't limit yourself to blood and detached body parts, but in the end added the twist that provokes thought. For example, who was the real madman? Was David justified in his actions? There is also room for a discussion of human nature and whether we would have made the same decisions. It also touches on the topic of trauma. Was the trauma of David's life experience what moved him to become a serial killer? These details are what makes your story stand out.
Whoa! Great work Sean! It takes real courage to write like this, exposing the horrible images that you did in such detail. For that, I commend you sir. Chewing on the muscle restraints gave me the chills. It also makes you think how serial killers are often inspired to kill by being in situations like that and how it's an awful vicious cycle. I wish I could know more about the world these characters live in! Thanks for sharing Sean!
Cool story, it really sucks the reader in with all that imagery. Your story really shows how people come to be the way they are, how serial killers become killers.
Sabrina R. Per.5
On a level of a regular teenage reader: HOLY SHMOKES DUDE, WHAT?! You totally just blew my mind right now.
As an English student:
That was such an intriguing story. The imagery, the tone, the mood... Everything about it captured my attention to the full extent and I was legitimately freaked out. I can't believe how you managed to twist this story around so well. Where did you get the idea for this story?
I think one of the most interesting aspects of this story was the graphic imagery, especially the moment when David pulls the heart out of the killer, only to find it completely consisted of evil...as if the killer weren't human.
Also, thanks a LOT for leaving a cliffhanger on me (note the sarcasm). I'm so curious to know what ends up happening to David, and if the police ever find out about the "TellTale Heart."
P.S. I LOVE the E.A. Poe reference in the end :)
You're story at first frightened me, but then reading sentence after sentence I became more and more drawn into the gore and the darkness. I just figured it was going to be about a crazy serial killer, but the plot twist of the victim becoming a killer himself took me by surprise. Very unique and interesting!
I liked your story. It was kind of creepy though, but that's what made it interesting.
Amazing suspense placed into this raw story. Tasting blood? Yuck! Really creative imagery in the first paragraph as well as how you built up this mighty tension at the end of the story. David chewing on the muscle known as "restraints" is fabulous and puts a lovely touch on this serial killer thriller.
This was a captivating story full of excitement, suspense, and confusion right off the back! Your use of imagery and description of the character, David, were great. I like the mystery that you left at the end of the story, about how they have yet to catch the serial killer. It really leaves me wanting to read more about the mystery. Overall this was a great piece of literature. Good job.
This was a truly captivating story that was full of suspense and mystery from the beginning. Your use of imagery and character description of David were superb. Your conclusion to the story about the police never catching the murderer was eerie and left me wanting to read more about the "Telltale Heart". Great job Sean.
This story does not give the reader one break and I loved it! The gore in this story made it so intense and the imagery you used to describe the gore was so on point that I could not help but picture what this poor man was going through, no matter how much i did not want a mental image of chewing muscle! Finally getting past all the gore I finished this story and realized how cool the story line was. You started off in what seemed to be medias res and that added to the dark tone of the story that made it so frightening. The way you organized your writing so that it became more and more descriptive as his sight returned was great and made this story so cool and added to the intensity. As I think about the story more and more it gets better and better!
You managed to illustrate an intriguing, suspenseful, and palpable story in such a short amount of words. From the beginning, the mood was eerie and disgusting. The unpredictability is what made this enjoyable-even for some (of us) readers who do not exactly "click" with gory and torture scenarios. The last sentence not only yields a resonating feeling, but also conveys an embedded message about the dark and twisted side of human nature.
Sad to think that horrible experiences create monsters from the innocent, it almost seems unfair to blame someone in that mentally scaring situation for turning to violence themselves. But it sure makes for an interesting story!!
Your story was very good i like how you incorperated details and how your story is a mystery good job keep up the good work.
This was a breath of fresh air! I like how your story is different and you expressed your ideas concisely and clearly. Good job!
Your story was truly a terror! It gave me chills from all the detailed imagery of blood and guts everywhere, I could not stop reading it! And the plot twist in the ending made me awe with amazement! Great Job!
That was pretty crazy! I loved how you were able create a dynamic character within such a small amount of writing by making David a victim then making him a new serial killer. Then that allusion to Allen Egdar Poe's Telltale Heart was just icing on the cake because this story acts as a prequel to it. Your use of imagery allowed me to really "see" how David became a serial killer. Finally, I was impressed by the way you were able to build suspense and anticaption witht the structure of the story. Good job!
I might have screamed "EW" a few times while reading this! This was so crazy, I didn't even know how to wrap my head around it the first time I read it. The twist at the end had me taken aback and it took me a while to realize that it was DAVID who became the "Telltale Heart" and I love the irony that physically you cannot really see "good" vs "evil", even though the common idea is that morals are all in the "heart". It gives such conflicting interpretations of heart both literal and figurative. I also loved the contrast between "Into the Light" and the fact that the first word of the story is "Darkness", like how when people die they "look into the light" even though light is commonly associated with good while darkness goes with evil. I loved your take on the classic poem. :)
I honestly don't know how you managed to create such a gruesome story but I loved it!Reading your story felt as if I was watching an episode from Criminal Minds!I love the fact that your incorporation of imagery made your story so strong and explicit. I also loved that you shifted the tone from ominous to gory because it then intensified the situational irony that followed David's outbreak of him, subconsciously, transforming into the murderer. Lastly i found it to be engaging and helpful that to end your story you informed the reader of David's progression since the day he was captured stirring up consternation. Truly amazing job!
The ending was what most captivated me, but i also enjoyed how each sentence dramatically flowed to the next. I could honestly see this being an actually scary story it was riveting.
- Percy Starks
This story was so intriguing from beginning to end! From the start i was filled with anxiousness wondering what was going to happen to the couple. Your descriptiveness drew me in more and more. The gory diction that was included added a chilling yet enticing touch. The connection to Poe in the end was a nice creative touch.
This story was AMAZING!! The chilling tone created by the fantastic imagery made the twist so much more compelling. The plot in it of itself is highly intriguing and the insight it gives into the mind of a killer is incredible. Great Job Sean
This story was AMAZING!! The chilling tone created by the fantastic imagery made the twist so much more compelling. The plot in it of itself is highly intriguing and the insight it gives into the mind of a killer is incredible. Great Job Sean
This story is AMAZING!! First off the fantastic imagery set the grim tone just right to get that chilling feeling while reading through. The plot in it of itself is highly intriguing and really gave insight into the mind of a killer that I wouldn't have thought of. I couldn't find anything I didn't like about it. Great Job Sean!
Your very explicit and dark description about how "the man" dealt with the people he killed contrasted very well with David's exposing of "their true nature" because it hid the fact that he was also a murderer and conveyed the latter man's intentions of being justifiable. This piece of writing was captivating and the imagery was so well done that I am going to try avoiding anything that include "hot and sticky" in its description for months to come. I also think the background of this page helped establish the "dark" and creepy setting of the story. Fascinating job, Sean!
-Yamen M
Oh, so spooky and gory. I did not expect such a dark story from such a "light" title!
It was an intriguing surprise!
The dramatic pause from the man in the dark overcoat gave me the chills and the phrase "Because I can" made it even better. So much blood was envisioned through my mind and it boggled me that you created such defined imagery in this short piece!
Thanks for the thrill!
This story was so gory and gruesome, that I literally "ew-ed" in disgust. My stomach is churning right now, and I kind of feel like throwing up. But it was because of the use of gory imagery that I feel this way. I like how the setting of the room, being dark, correlated with that of the actual, I guess, plot of the story. It kept a dark consistency throughout the story, which is something I believe that you intended it to have.
This was so amazing! I totally love how quirky and disturbing it was! Your story is so unique which is my favorite part; not many write about such a topic of serial killers. You were so imaginative when writing this, your story would not have had the same impact if it were'nt for your effective, detailed imagery! You also excelled at adding mystery to the story, i just wanted to know what was going to happen next! Good job Sean!
I think its interesting how you were able to build off of the story written by Poe. As I read this I actually was thinking, "this sounds like something Poe would write" and at the end when you said "Telltale Heart" I was pleasantly surprised. Also, good job with the description and imagery. It was very vivid.
-Louis Westfall
I like the story Sean. You set up the setting very well and it was very dark. I feel like you tried a little to hard for it to be disturbing by adding more gore than was needed. Overall it was great and I like how you added in Poe's piece the "Telltale Heart."
-Ceasar Flores
Seek help.
-Kevin McCondichie
Just kidding. Interesting story though. Gave me a pretty good shock. Still trying to comprehend what happened.
-Kevin McCondichie.
This story was very ominous and suspenseful. It had me wanting to read more and left me disappointed when it ended so soon. IT was very creative how you had it relate to Edgar Allen Poe's short story "Tell-tale heart."
Edgar Allen Poe would be proud. Didn't expect a gore story, but the way it was used separated it from the typical horror/slasher/dismemberment genre. It served a clear purpose, and the plot twist where the "victim" became fascinated with the blood spewing from his wife was a rather nice touch, and sort of foreshadowed how he would become the villain. Loved the story.
I love how you developed the story from your knowledge of Edgar Allan Poe's work. As I read, I couldn't help but cringe at the vivid and horrifying imagery that you employed. However, I was satisfied with the ending of your story and how it completely tied the story together. The development of David was especially intriguing in addition to the miraculous message that was implied. Although the descriptions of terror became more drastic as the story progressed, I praise your artistic composition in the story. It was very creative.
Good job on playing with our senses Sean. That was a well-thought out and extremely gory story. I like how you finished off your story by relating back to your title as the poor victim's true nature was brought into the light.
- Oscar Salazar
this was well set up -jakob cadena
This is an interesting story! I simply can't imagine a man using canibalistic tendencies to escape his bindings. It's such a plot twist when David kills the man. The suspense you used from the beginning can draw anyone in, so good job with that as well. I loved the reference to "Telltale Heart" near the end.
I really like your conclusion. I expected the "Telltale Heart" to be the unknown man and not David, and was completely thrown off, but in a good way. Your use of imagery also allowed me to envision this in my mind, though the gore was a bit overwhelming at times. Good job! I really enjoyed this piece.
I was really able to picture everything this story had to offer. I especially like the ending, something I didn't suspect. You really put thought into this story and it's pretty cool that you wrote a psychological thriller. A little unorthodox and something I didn't suspect someone would write about here. However, you had me gripped on every word. A true man doesn't truly find himself until he does the unthinkable.
Prior to writing this piece, did you just watch a Saw film? this was so incredibly gruesome, but so incredibly good to read. I kept wanting to know what was going to happen. The imagery you painted was so vivid, and frankly disgusting, but it obviously worked in this piece. Well done.
I like the use of irony you inputted into this horror flash fiction. The fact that the "Man" tells David to not worry because he will kill his wife first implies verbal irony that supports a sense of psychosis and fright that makes the reader get the goosebumps. Your application of situational irony in which David, after experiencing such horrors, ends up to become the source of despair he so desperately tried to expunge. So yeah good job
Sean! WOW. This story gave me goosebumps! Visualizing all the blood and detached body parts seriously gave me the chills. The imagery you used most definitely played with all my senses. The story was quite gruesome and very descriptive, yet I still kept wanting to read more. This piece totally reminded me of those books that teachers used to read us in middle school and I found your story very entertaining! Good Job Sean!
- Tia Basa <3
That was an AWESOME story. It was suspenseful, creepy and mysterious. Everything to a good story. Its painted so many pictures and imagery in my mind. Great work.! -Funmi Sule
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