Note from Mrs. C and Lauren: This story focuses on a sensitive subject- suicide. If this topic would be hard for you to read, feel free to move on to another story. We understand! Also, if you are feeling hopeless or need someone to talk to, there are many people here on campus who are here and ready to listen and to help- Please come see Mrs. Cogswell anytime, or any other staff member/counselor. It's never too late. We care about you.
My head hurts. It is a splitting sensation, like someone attempting to crack it open with a dull, blunt axe. The voices. At first they’re quiet, a whisper. As they grow louder, I can hear their tone is mocking and condescending.
My head hurts. It is a splitting sensation, like someone attempting to crack it open with a dull, blunt axe. The voices. At first they’re quiet, a whisper. As they grow louder, I can hear their tone is mocking and condescending.
“Naomi…”
“Naomi!”
“Naomi.”
“Why are you here?”
“You’re not pretty.”
“You’re not smart.”
“You’re a waste of skin.”
I
clutch my head and upset the teacup in front of me in the process.
“Excuse me miss, are you ok.”
Everyone one in the little coffee shop is staring at me. A tall thin man stands
in front of me. On his brown apron is a white name badge with the name
‘Jonathan’ painted on it. His brow creases in concern.
“Yea,
I’m fine. I’m sorry, I’ve made a mess.” Righting the teacup, I move to mop up
the liquid that is dripping down the table onto the floor.
“Miss
don’t worry about it, it’s ok. Are you sure you are alright?” His hazel eyes look
distressed.
“He doesn’t care about you.”
“He wants to make a fool of you.”
“Look how he is smirking at you.”
My hands tremble. I’m breaking down
in front of all these people. “I’m really very sorry. I have to go.” I leave
neglecting my bag and rush out into the crowded streets. The noise keeps the
voices at bay and allows me two blocks of peace.
My
loft is dark, empty, bare. A worn salvaged sofa, a few piles of books, and a
random object here or there are the only possessions this city has left me.
“Naomi.”
“Naomi!”
“Naomi…”
“You’re alone.”
“No one cares about you.”
“Di-“A grungy black phone
attached to the wall screams. Its high pitched peal is blaring and accusatory.”
“Hello?”
“Naomi?”
“Yes?”
“Hi,
my name is Jonathan. I work at the coffee shop. You left your bag here, and I
was wondering if you would like to come pick it up or if you’d like me to bring
it to you?” His voice is kind and sympathetic.
“Oh,
I’m really sorry. I’ll ummm…”
“It’s
no problem; I’ll bring it by tonight.”
Two
agonizing hours pass by slowly.
“Naomi!”
“End it.”
“Unless you are too weak to do it?”
I eye the black switch blade that
sits on top of my self-help books. My hand curls around the hilt.
“You’re worthless.”
“Life is pointless.”
“Do It!”
“Naomi,
it’s me Jonathan.”
“Do It!”
“Go
away, just go away! You don’t care about me, no one does. There is no reason
for me still being here.
“Do It!”
“Look
Naomi, I brought your bag. Whatever you’re thinking about doing, don’t do it.
It’s not worth it.”
“Do It!”
37 comments:
Okay...Lauren....this was great, entertaining, and kept me on the edge of my seat the whole time! Your description of every thought going through Naomi's head caused me to feel even more for her. Her situation is so precedent in high school and society as a whole that it makes for a great piece, although I would have liked to see how she got to this point and what affect it had on Jonathan. Overall, this was simply a true to Lauren piece of literature, amazing job.
Lauren! This is such an amazing story! Even though suicide is an incredibly intense and serious topic, you put such an unique and critical twist to it. I feel horrible about feeling excited about a story as depressing as this story is. Naomi's conscience really spooked me out in the end and it built immense suspense as Naomi put the knife to her throat. Creating a piece and putting a different perspective on this topic shows how dynamic and malleable your writing is.
wow great story keep up the great work
Yep! I second that Sarah! This has Lauren written all over it. (Main characters aren't meant to live after all!) Lolo, I really enjoyed this! (In a non-sadistic sort of way...) I feel like so many teenagers deal with depression all the time and have nobody to help them until its too late. Even worse, the people around them let it progress to that point of no return. Just like in our anti-bullying rallies I must reiterate how BAD bullying is! She could have been alive, happy, and dating that cute guy she met at the coffee shop by now! But no! She is now dead and its all because of cruel people, unfortunate circumstances, and the selfish world we all live in. Lauren, thanks for writing this. Every reminder to love others and be better people is a significant and important one!
Wow very intense! I reminds me of a book I read last year called "Impluse" by Ellen Hopkins... she wrote the "Crank" series. I can really relate to this story; as a kid I had it in my head I wasn't pretty enough or good enough for everyone...I wanted to die too. Obviously everything is okay now , but i had the same feeling as Naomi. Great story...I can feel the emotion intensely.
- Hannah Mueller (12) per.5
I honestly was expecting this to end on a happier note, so way to give me a twist I wasn't expecting. I've got a lot of bittersweet feelings toward this piece. I thought it was extremely well-written, but at the same time, I feel that little sting in my heart that comes with the tragedy of the situation. I think that while you could have made the story have a sweet ending, (Jonathan talks her out of it, he saves her, something like that) you wrote it very realistically. I can see quite clearly that Naomi was already extremely distraught, and that she had already made up her mind. I think that for her to be saved might have seemed like a bit of a "cop-out", forgive my slang. And I don't mean to say that the readers wanted to see her die, but without more development, it would have been sudden for her to stop. Our minds were leading toward that ending, no matter how sad it was. Whereas Akelah's story started with Blake trying to save Thalia, giving more time for us to accept his arguments and her decision, yours ended with a plea from Jonathan, with no time for us, or Naomi, to be convinced. The sad truth is, sometimes the savior doesn't make it in time, which adds to the tragedy. Your story is a cautionary tale, a reminder for us that it we need to start treating each other with more kindness. It was sad, but still managed to show that Naomi had people who cared about her, and gave a great message overall. Great Work!
Lauren, you are an amazing writer! I felt like I was reading the last chapter of a New York Times best seller. I loved how you provided a glimpse into the grief-stricken mind of Naomi. Her struggle reminded me of how many hurting people there are in the world. I think it is all too easy at times to get so caught up in our problems that we fail to acknowledge the heartache of others. I'm thankful that you chose to write about this sensitive subject because it is a good reminder of the fact that there are always lost individuals crying out for help and all we have to do is open our eyes.
-Christina Tapia
Wow... I like the way you structured this story, that made it 10 times more intense! It depicts the reality of what goes on inside a suicidal person's mind, which is something a lot of people don't understand. I can feel the emotions pouring through the computer screen. Good job Lauren :)
Lauren, your stories never fail to catch my attention!! While reading, I was so caught up in it, that I kind of forgot how depressing it was. I was on the edge of my seat the entire time! I love how your ideas always have a unique perspective to it and catches the reader's attention. You did an amazing job! I hope you keep making more stories!!
I got chills as I read the ending Lauren. It's an amazing thing to be able to express that mindset in a way that others may understand. I love the character Jonathan because I can relate to him and the helplessness that others feel when they are aware of someone's mental state and can't help them. Thank you!
By including Naomi's thoughts, I think we were captivated and "sucked" into her world. The utter simplicity in terms of structure creates a well-written and cohesive piece. The ending is appropriate; however, it only takes one person, one action, or even one sentence to help someone.
This is such a thrilling story. I enjoyed the detail you provided within each line which, was one of the reasons I was so captivated with your piece. The battle the main character had with herself really added to your story and was very relatable.
Lauren! Although this story was short, it had quite an impact on me. My heart was racing the entire time I was reading this and I found myself slowly leaning towards the computer screen with each line. The structure of the story made it all the more thrilling to read because it gave suspense to what would happen next. It was a little graphic for me towards the end, but you did a great job on describing Naomi's surroundings and the thoughts that were going through her mind. I agree with Sarah D, I wish I could have known why she wanted to commit suicide and what Jonathan did after. Other than that, I think you did an awesome job dealing with such a serious topic.
-Alexandra Aguilar
It's difficult to imagine what goes on inside the head of someone suicidal, however the causal style of the piece helped to emanate the raw emotions, creating a stream of conscience like effect. The fact that Jonathan attempted to reach out to Naomi only adds to the tragedy, but creates a note of realism. Not everyone can be saved, especially when the enemy resides in the mind. Lauren your works continue to move me, keep on writing. -Emily Wilt per 1
The way that you structured your story so that with everything the main character did she could hear the voices telling her it was wrong is what made your story so emotional and realistic. I think a lot of times its hard for people to really get in to stories like these solely based on the fact that its a hard situation to place yourself into when reading a book of this nature. With this story there was no problem like this. Despite how brief the story was it was still a hard read and the imagery and diction you used not only pulled me in, but ended up being what crushed my hopes as a reader at the end. In describing such small things that seem to go wrong all the time, like spilling tea, you kept me hooked on how she was solely focused on these things and made me hope, with each one, that she would get past them. Then , in describing in such vivid detail the thoughts she was having and her picking up the blade and taking her last breaths, you were able to leave me feeling as though this was the ending to a novel and character that I had invested a lot of time in and connected with. Using Jonathan to reach out to her made me hope for the best and the fact that he got there just in time pushed my hopes up a little higher so I was even more said when she chose not to keep on going, he was a great addition to the story and his role made me want to know what would happen to him as a result of when he came in to Naomi's life. Really great job!
Wow Lauren your story was really suspenseful and I loved it. The way you show Naomi's thoughts just makes the story great. Even though suicide is a very serious topic the overall story was just great. The last part gave me the chills a little but overall I like the story. Great Job.
LAURENNN. Its so sad, and so realistic. Very nicely written. I can't think of anything you could approve in this story.
-Kevin McCondichie
(To Mrs C when you approve this I think I forgot to put my name no my other ones, so if you see a Darkpumpkin, ya know its me. Sorry)
Wow very good. The topic of suicide is very serious but I like how you had Naomi's conscious talking to her in the story because that's probably how others feel too and i made the story so much more intense. I honestly thought Jonathan was going to save her and talk her out of using the knife. But the outcome of the ending literally almost had me yelling out "NO!" at the end of the story. I was also on the edge of my seat when Naomi's conscience was trying to convince her to end her life but Jonathan's call interrupted her conscience.
This was very good. Naomi's self consciousness talking to herself was very spooky and i appreciate it.Nice idea putting a death ending instead of a happy ending.This was indeed creepy.I like how she was so blinded at the beginning by her conscious talking to her that she didn't even notice that she spilled all of her drink.In her perspective it was just on the floor suddenly.Also that she was blinded enough to leave her bag and think that she really brought it.Nice job, when I saw that it was a creepy story,I decided to keep reading.
I really enjoyed reading this because instead of ending it with a happily ever after, you ended it with something much less expected! I also love how you took the reader inside Naomi's head allowing us to get a whole different perspective of the character. This stoy made me want to just jump in the scene and give Naomi a hug and try to stop her! Great job!!!
This story really hit home, I have a friend who went through a time when he was "emo" and had suicidal thoughts, and so I know exactly how Jonathan felt in this story. "Why do you keep hurting yourself?" "Why can't I help you?" Thoughts going on in Jonathan's mind; he really wants to help her, but can't seem to really get through to her. Your story was so beautifully written, and I really admired the fact that you really focused on Naomi's feelings, everything that was going on through her head, because it seems like much of society has the wrong understanding of people who suffer from self-harm and depression. Nobody should EVER have to feel this way, ever.
Your story was informative and unique in several ways. You demonstrated the state of mind of someone who contemplates death regularly excellently. I liked the breaks between the dialogue that showed us as readers her internal conflicts. I found myself shouting at my computer saying dont listen to those tiny voices. It sadden my heart that niether Jonathan or I could do anything but I realize now that I can do something. Your story helped me to realize what people go through, and now I can be of better assistance in the future. Instead of asking why they feel that way, I can ask what I can do so they dont feel that way. Your story was very inspirational and eye opening. You did a great job.
Wow! I absolutely loved your story. Your characters came to life and I found myself rooting for both Naomi and Jonathan throughout the story. I kept hoping that Jonathan would help Naomi overcome her suicidal thoughts and he would be that one gentle heart that she needed to block out all of the hate that she was feeling. Even though the story didn't end that way, you had me hooked until the very ending to find out the fate of the two characters.
- Jessica Berrie
I was very surprised with the way this story ended. Most pieces that are along these lines do not take suicide head on like you did. I condone you for really speaking about this serious issue. Hopefully this helps others in a similar place to that which Naomi was in.
wow. I am so speechless, you are an amazing writer! This was such a great story, Jonathan didn't even know her but he still cared, it shows how other people care and will help anyone who is feeling this way - Felisa Monroy
this is a great story! its sad at the end but i love it,good topic -alyssa rackley
This story left me speechless and in tears, especially because I know people who have had suicidal thoughts. As deranged as this may sound, I really appreciate that you made Naomi do it because people need to understand that sometimes people do carry out their actions and they WILL commit suicide if they feel that it's their only option. This was a really well written story, something unlike those usual teenage books who discuss suicidal stories through a different character, not the main character. Thank you for sharing this story
Wow Lauren, this story left me speechless and in tears. I personally know people who have had suicidal thoughts so it really hits home for me. As deranged as this may sound, I really appreciate that you made the decision to have Naomi follow through and kill herself. There are so many stories that have the character, who is going through this emotional turmoil, have some sort of revelation and realize that it's not worth it, life is too value to give up. So to have Naomi actually go through with it, it's something new and it lets people know that suicide is serious, sometimes people have to go through with it because its their only option. Thank you for sharing this story Lauren, I appreciate it.
This story really caught my attention. In a sense of creepiness and also the fact that her consciousness speaks negatively of her. I interpreted this story as her neglection of trust and acceptance of others. She simply does not have trust to anybody considering her conclusion to that of suicide. And also the fact that this was related to me depressed myself yet realizing its true problem about trust and acceptance. She used Johnathon as her desire to trust and accept but the door and herself symbolizes her own consciousness and trapping herself in her mind. Is what I interpreted.
I like this story because I have experienced this and I know how to fix these types of circumstances, but I might become the "Johnathon" someday, unable to help.
I am in shock, I don't really know what to write. When I read a story I have an idea in my head of how it's going to end, and the ending to this story was not what I expected at all. I thought he was going to be able to save her, and well... i don't know. But the piece was very well written, and allowing the readers inside the mind helped me grasp an understanding of how and why she felt the way she did.
Lauren, this story pierced through my heart the moment I read the first portion of Naomi's narration.
"My head hurts. It is a splitting sensation, like someone attempting to crack it open with a dull, blunt axe."
Gave me the chills. The metaphor to how her head hurting is like someone trying to crack her head with an axe was intense.
The organization of this piece really allows for the audience to know how the protagonist, or anyone who deals with thoughts of suicide, thinks when in that desperate place in time.
But what really grabbed my attention is the character Jonathan.
Jonathan is proof to every person who goes through thoughts of suicide that someone cares for you.
Even though all the voices in Naomi's head kept downgrading her, a stranger such as Jonathan, the "tall thin man" who works at the coffee shop, cared enough to worry for her.
that kinda made me sad but good job /jakob cadena
Wow, Lauren this was such an enthralling piece! I enjoyed reading your story from start to finish. Naomi's inside voices were so powerfully deceitful. It is so sad that suicide is becoming more and more prevalent in today's society. Thank you for openly expressing such a hot button, emotional issue.
I thought this was a tear jerker... although the story wasn't long enough for me to be completely attached to Naomi (darn it flash fiction), I felt so bad for her. I'm a complete sucker for romance so although Jonathan wasn't any sort of male interest, in my convoluted mind they would have definitely been a thing. I found myself wanting to read more of her backstory... I wish it was longer!
This story left my jaws dropped at the end.I applaud you for not typically ending this type of story with a happily ever after ending.I know a person who went through these kind of suicidal thoughts. She came to me for comfort because she didn't want advice from people,she wanted someone to actually listen to her thoughts and that's what I did. I really enjoyed reading this because it reminded me when I saved a life. It brought back all the memories and tears. I wish I was in the scene to stop Naomi and help her. -Alexis Chiong
What an interesting story! I saw the disclaimer and thought, "this I have to read!" I like the way you characterized Jonathan - he seems like a sweet boy and I liked how you made her thoughts an important aspect of the story. I honestly wished she would have listened to him and that it would have ended differently - NOBODY should ever feel this way... it was very well-written and I enjoyed it until the end!
You are so good at writing, I wouldn't have been able to come up with all that. The story left me breathless. I was so surprised by the ending on how she actually committed suicide. Such a twist!
- Valarie Ly
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