Clouds
darkening, thunder striking nearby houses along with its roars as it shakes the
grounds. Rain pouring down creating loud noises from the ceiling. It was
December 15th of 2013 at my house by myself after work, night. It was a rough
ride driving from work and back to my house. On my way back, I saw a child
standing and staring at my house from the sidewalk. I parked my car across my
house because she was blocking the garage way to my house. I grabbed an
umbrella from the backseat but as I was about to open the door, the child
disappeared. I then ignited the car and parked into my garage. Filled with
fatigue, I forgot everything about the child except her appearance. She wore a white dressed noodle strap that
covered her body down to her knees. She
seemed to be around the age of seven with a long hair but I did not catch her
face. I went straight to bed until the next morning.
December
16, 2013. Daybreak, sunrise, the storm
has passed. Waking up during the sunrise, I felt something ominous as my eyes began
to adjust to the morning blur. I began to see a shaded part of my room begin to
darken. The fatigue of the morning wake,
I began to see abnormalities, from the corner of my eyes I saw scarlet red eyes
that seem to pierce my very being. I began to panic, but to realize I could not
move my own body. My body felt as if gravity was pulling me downwards my bed as
I couldn’t move a muscle. The scarlet
eyes then began to get closer as I struggle through this bind. Closer and
closer, the eyes began to widen on the process of my struggling. A few seconds
later, I successfully broke from the bind and rid of the scarlet eyes that had
suddenly disappeared. Nothing else abnormal happened throughout the day until
sunset. During the sunset, I then saw the child from the corner of my eyes
across my window. She was wore the same clothes as the previous night and also
stared at my house. She then panned her head towards me with those scarlet red
eyes from the window. I then began to feel pressured as she watched me. I walked
to my windows only to close the blinds. I began to watch the child from the
front door’s peephole until she walked away by midnight. Filled with
uneasiness, I began to sleep at my friend’s apartment to calm down.
Two
Months later. February 5th, 2014. My friend had kicked me out of his apartment
due to some circumstances of my freeloading and he disregarded my story of the
child. So I began to pack my bags and headed straight to my house. Nothing felt
abnormal at my house but I always felt uneasy knowing of the child. The child
only seem to come by during the sunset and leave by midnight. It began to be a
routine of mine to watch her closely every sunset. Those piercing red scarlet
eyes were always directed straight to my own eyes.
A few
days later. February 10th, 2014. I asked around the neighborhood about the
child. They all claimed that they do not see her but one claimed of an accident
that had in my house and said she might be connected. So I searched for the
accident on the computer. Shocked from details of the accident, the source
claims of a child that had jumped off the roof of the house. The victim had a
white dress with long hair, she was six years old. The doctors claimed that she
had a mental disorder, the child always claimed to have a mother and father who
had died in a car accident. I was shocked to find this information, or rather
regretful to have knowledge of the child. I then came back to check the child
through the peephole of my front door, only to see scarlet red.
59 comments:
Whoa, this story was pretty tense, especially how you described the girl's eyes as red scarlet. I loved how your story caught my attention right from the start. You got my full attention until the end. Your description of the girl totally gave me chills. This was a very interesting story Emilio!
I really liked your use of imagery in the second paragraph describing yourself in the bed and how gravity was binding you and making you feel as of you were paralyzed with fear. Also when you described the little girl's eyes as being scarlet red this give a sense of creepiness to your story and enhanced the tone of uncertainty that appears in the story. Overall it was a pretty good work of paranormal fiction.
i love how you wrote the story. Very detailed and specific.I love it!
To begin with, I found your title quite interesting. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece of flash fiction. What seemingly appeared to be a normal narrative of sequential events, turned out to be a chilling mystery. The second paragraph, was uniquely written in the description of the child. The image of the piercing scarlet eyes managed to stay in my head. Your usage of short sentences, added to the suspense of the story. In addition, the conclusion had a remarkable twist. It was a great explanation to the occurrence of events. I appreciated the originality as well, great job.
Your story was definitely creepy but very entertaining. The details you used help capture the scary mysterious tone of the story. I formed images in my head of what was happening as I read. Also, the ending was very good and shocking.
Oh my goodness! The descriptive language you used in this made me feel like I was in the speaker's position! Amazing job! I had goosebumps and chills when I read that last sentence. I'm reading this at midnight, and I think I'm going to have some trouble falling asleep tonight... Regardless, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this! GOOD JOB!!!
Did not expect that type of story from that silly title. Seriously chilling story. I felt I've read something like this before... like it's one of those creepy spam text messages or something. Still great writing! I enjoyed it a lot.
- Hannah Mueller (12) ; period 5
From the beginning, your flash fiction work held my interest, your perfect description of the setting filled the piece with a sense of mystery and suspense. Your transition into your second paragraph was great and left the reader unsuspecting for what will com. Overall this was an amazing piece that I thoroughly enjoyed.
The structure of this story was very deliberate. It made me feel like I was reading a documentary. The foreshadowing used in this piece was very commanding and enjoyable. The title was very misleading and I enjoyed being surprised by the content of the material.
I really did like this story. It was eerie,creepy,and scary. But there is something I really didn't like. I felt that story was cut off to early. This could of been really scary if the story kept on going. Other than that, it was really good.
This story literally gave me the chills! This was so good I could just imagine her standing next to me with red eyes, I have to admit this was intense!
I definitely got the chills! Absolutely incredible! Totally creepy and totally not what i expected from the title of the story. I loved how you made the story seem like a documentary, putting the date and then explaining the type of day. You also created nice imagery with all the descriptions and details :)
In the beginning, I didn't think the story would turn out like this wow!
I'm pretty sure I am going to have nightmares tonight! From the first paragraph until the last, my heart was pumping. Although I'm not one for scary stories, I thoroughly enjoyed the intrigue of the plot. The reoccurring imagery accomplished through the continued reference to the child's "red eyes" helped to add mounting suspense to the work. I can easily envision it as a blockbuster horror film.
-Christina Tapia
When I first read the title I thought the story would be about pasta or food but it turned out to be something else. This story amazing with the imagery and with the suspense of what will happen the next day. This story was really tense from the beginning to the end. It reminds me of a seen from a movie.
Very dramatic and creepy ending. I didn't understand your title but once I kept reading your story it made sense and was clear of how they both were related. I loved your use of imagery throughout the whole story. I was able to picture everything that was happening while I was reading.
Very interesting story and very suspenseful. I like how you incorporated a dark and dreary tone because it complimented the story overall. I would definitely classify this a a thriller.
I liked the use of imagery you used when describing the man's fatigue and physical description of the girl's scarlet eyes, white dress, and long hair. It really made an affective image of the creepy girl. Overall, it was an interesting piece with an eerie atmosphere.
Wow! That vivid imagery in the beginning made me feel like i was right there with you as the girl appeared. The beginning sentences gave the perfect set up for your story and helped the ominous feeling really come through, so much that I felt like something was going to happen. Very creepy story, i'll have some trouble getting the image of those scarlet eyes out of my head for a while.
Ha. This made my night; I love thriller/scary books and movies and this definitely made my list. I love the adjective "scarlet". Even though this word simply means red, it still creates a very passionate emotion behind it. By using scarlet, you have exposed an extremely passionate little girl in a white dress! The very ending, when you looked through the peep hole only to see scarlet, gave me instant chills!
I don't know what made the story scarier the dates,that reminded me of Paranormal Activity, or the red eyes. This was such an entertaining story! I love reading scary stories and the way you described her eyes and the surroundings made me look over my shoulder a few times! Great use of imagery and tone, I was definitely on edge every time the character took a step or decided to look in another direction and throughout the entire story you maintained your dark and chilling tone.
Wow talk about a cliffhanger!! I liked how you used certain colors and objects to symbolize the danger, or lurking of the child girl/ghost, not to mention the overall tone you used was rather acceptable in making the entire story chilly and dark. Nice job, I am thorouglhy impressed.
While I did enjoy reading this story, I did find the plot to be quite predictable. Your heavy use of descriptive words did help create the imagery seen in your story. The title was a bit misleading, but I think it provides a sort of contrast between it and the plot, from silly to serious. That contrast lessens my fear after reading your story.
Thank goodness the sun is still out while I was reading this... this had a similar effect on me as any scary movie! I loved the color imagery with the "scarlet red" especially in that her EYES were red; it makes everything a million times more chilling!
Also, just wondering, why is it called "My Creepy Pasta"? Any meaning behind that?? :)
I liked the repetition of "the scarlet red eyes" because it added suspense and helped give the story an eerie tone. I also think it was clever of you to set the story in the future. Great job!
-Alexandra Aguilar
This legitimately gave me chills! I was not expecting to read a story with such a suspenseful, frienghtening, and dark mood given the title is " My Creepy Pasta", which was actually a very smart technique because of the big constration between the two. Your use of imagery was very well done since like I said you gave me chills, esecially the repitition of image of the red eyes. Also, since you choose red comapred to every other color, it created a bigger imapct since red has the connotation of something ruined, soiled, corrupted like the loss of such an innocent young child. Kudos for being able to scare people in such a short amount of writing though.
This story was so intriguing! Just after reading the title I felt myself being drawn in to try to find out how pasta could be creepy! But I soon realized the story was nothing that I expected but I still loved the creepiness and how you kept referencing her red eyes.
Oh how I love creepy pastas and to be honest, I think this is the only one that I will lose sleep over. Thanks.
I thought this story was amazing. In the beginning when i first read the title, i was like "Ok, Im going to read about food, which is my favorite!" By creepy I thought you would mean like somehow creepily delicious, but your first sentence definitely got me to keep reading. I also like how you used exact dates. Really good job! Loved how much imagery you incorporated.
Okay, this piece was so descriptive and left out little to no detail that I was scared at the end.I'm not a fan of anything scary and I just got scared by reading a passage. I might not be able to look through my peep hole for a while. WOW! I felt as though I could see the girl, and the eyes. It was suspenseful and descriptive that I don't what I want to do, it kept me , wanting tho know mire and wanting tho ask watching all in I've dittin
I was totally expecting a funny story about pasta just from reading the title, the irony... Lol but nonetheless you did an amazing job utilizing imagery, diction, and tone to make you're story as scary as it was. I was actually getting anxious reading the second paragraph. I felt like I was reading the script of a scary movie. Great job :)
Very good horror flash fiction! I liked how you formatted the whole thing like a journal/diary entry, with specific dates dates and even the time of day of each event. I loved the detailed imagery overall, especially the emphasis on the "scarlet red" of the child's eyes, which gave me a good punch in the very last line. Your use of words and the overall structure of the piece gave me goosebumps from start to end.
-Ben C.
As I was reading this story I was easily disregarding many of the imagery the speaker was describing as being that of a very tired person who is just hallucinating and having sleep paralysis problems. That was not the case on the last paragraph. The mostly objective tone of this short story makes it fill the reader with emotions. The "uneasiness" of the speaker was easily transferred as creepy to the reader because with such sights, one would expect more detail. The ending allowed me to think about life for a good 5 minutes until I realized that I don't have any peephole and that I was free to move around.
I wish I didn't choose to read this story, to be honest, because it is completely and utterly descriptive and creepy that I honestly just want to cry right now. Reading the very first sentence, I had THE biggest feeling that this was going to be scary. I'm going to be honest, I watch a lot of scary movies, so this story was pretty much predictable; however, I do just want to applaud you utilized a lot of imagery and used color to enhance the imagery. Though it was predictable, it still gave off a suspenseful mood. And like everyone else, I do like how you wrote it in a way that it came off as a documentary!
Right from the start, your title drew me into your story! I fell in love more and more with your story as i continued to read it, especially since i personally enjoy scary stories. Your use of descrptive language and imagery added an eerie atmosphere and made it so interesting to read! I also love how your story was structured, with the specific dates of each account. Great job!
This was pretty creepy. Gave me the chills at the end. I like how you made it like a journal to make the effect of creepiness better. This story had very nice imagery such as "scarlet eyes" and "white dressed noodle strap that covered her body down to her knees," gave me the vision of the whole story. Good job!
This story was one that I will definitely remember. I have never been able to say that a story has given me the chills but now I can. The use of imagery was very effective when creating this thriller when you said, "...scarlet eyes that had suddenly disappeared." I felt as if someone was looking at me.
-Trevor Ragland
Wow amazing story! It really got under my skin and gave me goosebumps. Your word choice and use of imagery made your story really effective. When those scarlet eyes appeared I felt like was being watched as i read your story.
The first paragraph seemed rushed and confused to me, but after finishing it and the story it was extremely well done. It added to the suspense and fear the rest of the story helped create, and the scarlet eyes reminded me of another creepy pasta that ended much the same way, looking through a peephole to nothing but scarlet.
Crazy great story, I love the detail you put in when you were in your sleep paralysis (when you wake up and can't move/speak). I would love to read more of your stories!
There's something about this story that kept me on my toes. I truly enjoyed it. Your use of descriptive imagery, especially when describing the scarlet eyes and the child allowed me to really imagine the story as it progressed. Great job.
this was really detailed. It gave me goosebumps. i love the imagery that was produced by your choice of words.-jakob cadena
I felt like a was reading a diary because of the stated dates. Each day has a incredible detail that really puts the creepy feel in the story. It was really well put together and I was a unforgettable read.
Well, if your purpose was to send shivers down my spine, I would say you were successful. The style that you used, with the dates, and the story reminded me of the Paranormal Activity movies. This was frightening, and the cliff hanger at the end really leaves the reader in suspense.
Kinda love this story! The structure was well thought out, and the utilization of dates made it feel so much more realistic, like it could have happened to someone I know.The whole thing was extremely vivid, and not easy to forget. I also really liked the contrast between the title and the story itself, especially because I find myself doing the same thing with misleading titles.(I totally understand the purpose of your title). Great job Emilio! One of my favorite pieces. :)
well that was a very intresting story great job
A chilling ghost story! The unusaul imagery in giving a ghost red eyes was very impressive and made it different from most ghost stories. The fact that he's the only one who can see her added a hidden suspense. What would the ghost do? Is it trying to kill him? Why does it not make itself clear to others as well? I enjoyed reading it, but I really want to find out what happens next with him!
Your story was indeed very scary! I really like your use of imagery such as the girl's "white dressed noodle strap" and "those piercing scarlet red eyes" because I can totally visualize everything in my head as I read the story. It really adds to the creepiness in the story.
I literally got the chills! A very uneasy action but I truly love how the beginning just got my attention! I knew from the beginning that this story was going to be dark and good but the title could have fooled me. I pictured a very funny and goofy tale but it was the complete opposite ! I was rushing to get to the end and figure out what happened to the little girl! Plus the hint of foreshadowing was welcoming. A very descriptive and well thought out story that would be a great choice to read as a scary story to my children. Good job!
Emilio! I regret reading this story so late in the night! I'm afraid to look outside my window! I found your story very captivating and compelling. It gave me the hibbie jibbies! You had a great use of imagery. I could already envision the "scarlet red." I really liked how you descriptively wrote about the "dark clouds" and "sunrise." I also like how you told your story in a diary-like fashion. I thought that that was a very unique and interesting idea. Fantastic job Emilio!
- Tia Basa <3
I really enjoyed this story. The fact that you set the structure to be that of a diary with the dates and first person perspective put the readers in the speaker's place and allowed us to visualize his experiences through your vast use of imagery. Very creative and successfully executed! Weird title though.
"My Creepy Pasta" incorporates dark imagery in order to create a suspenseful and eerie atmosphere. Incredible job using tone to create an atmosphere worthy of a modern horror novel. You did a great job of subtly referencing the title in the story and your cliffhanger left me wondering what happened long after I exited the page. Great impact and a wonderful piece!
Emily Wilt per. 1
Really? I read plenty of creepy pastas but i don't recall reading one particularly close. Might sending me the name of the story, just for curiosity, I'm really fond of creepy/scary stories.
Thank you for commenting. Creepy Pasta had really motivated me to write this story but I don't recall reading a pasta with the same ending, mind if you send me the link for the story? Just for curiosity, I'm really fond of creepy/scary stories.
Actually, i meant to change the title to creeper or something similar, but I guess my teacher didn't change it. It was due to the class unable to use Turnitin for the meanwhile. Creepy Pasta is actually a creepy story based website, I, not knowingly, set that as the title without regards to who've not known of the website. I'm sorry for the inconvenience. Also, thanks for reading. (:
Haha, worth a shot.
In honesty, it gave a really big foreshadowing during his paralysis that I've described. But, I didn't particularly think it was that easily predictable, I guess my mind thought it were, but not from other's perspective. Thanks for reading. (:
Ps. This is the first story I've publicly posted, I have much more to learn. I may even see my faults as of now.
haha, Who doesn't love creepy pastas right? As I was typing this story also gave me chills, I was making this story during a night next to my window. But nonetheless, there are probably a bunch of errors I didn't notice. Thanks for reading. (:
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