I grasped hands that I
knew so well in between my shaking palms. I used to love the way glass
glistened in sunlight, but under hospital lights, covering eyes that used to
comfort me… now it seemed only to mock me. The room seemed to grow weary of
it’s walls, and every other person faded away. And suddenly, I started to
scream. I felt every heartbeat in the room stop in shock and confusion.
“It should’ve been me!
It should’ve been me! Anybody else!” I shouted to the ceiling, hot tears
streaming down my face. Familiar hands gripped my shoulders.
“Baby girl, stop. It’s
done. It’s done.”
I turned to look at my
mother with an expression that could slice steel.
“No. Cancer doesn’t
get to decide how many years I get to have a father. That’s not fair, mom. Not
when there are people who rape, and kill, and steal who are perfectly healthy.”
She looked down at me
softly. It was the first time I had ever seen any kind of softness in her. Any
vulnerability. She stepped back, and everybody left the room. I turned back to
the body below me and interlaced my fingers with his one last time.
“Remember when you used to sing me to sleep, daddy?” I choked out, kissing him once on the forehead, on each cheek, and on the chin.
“Remember when you used to sing me to sleep, daddy?” I choked out, kissing him once on the forehead, on each cheek, and on the chin.
“Now you’re loved
around the world. Goodnight.” And softly, I began to sing the only thing that
pushed away the night terrors, the shakes, the monsters under the bed.
“Christopher Robin and
I walked alone under branches lit up by the moon, Posing our questions to Owl
and Eeyore As our days disappeared all too soon-
“Miss Elise?”
A tiny voice pierced through my morning flashback. I looked down to see the most beautiful
child. Blue butterfly eyes, and a smile that could melt diamond, complete with
three missing teeth. Her name was Arabella. I had spent the morning pouring
over her files, preparing for her IEP meeting later on today with her
caseworker. She had a small circular scar on her left collarbone where her
mother had burned a cigarette into her skin. A classroom aid had recently
discovered twelve more on her stomach and thighs. Her case files also noted
that her biological father was jailed, and her mother as well, soon after
authorities had discovered Arabella and her three siblings locked in a closet
for two days with bruises covering their bodies.
“MISS ELISE.” She repeated a bit louder. I smiled and looked
down.
“Yes Belly?”
“What song were you singing?”
I hadn’t realized that I was singing aloud.
“It was a lullaby that my daddy used to sing to me to scare
away nightmares.”
Her baby blues widened. “Was he a good daddy?’
I chuckled and gave her a hug. “A very, very good daddy. And
I am so lucky to have been loved.”
She smiled like she understood. “ Can I have goldfish now?”
55 comments:
Hey Chloe!
Amazing! I really enjoyed your piece! At first, I didn't quite understand that you were starting with a flashback, but, of course, by the end I did and I really liked that whole concept. I enjoyed the innocence that you gave the little girl at the end when she asks for goldfish as well because I needed a little comfort after you destroyed me with the impact of the flashback. But, yes! Truly a great flash fiction! Both heartwarming and heartbreaking at at once. I loved it (:
Evelin Conde period.5
While first reading through your story Chloe I had tears in my eyes. But by the end of it I was laughing and smiling. That last sentence killed me! I drifted more towards your story because its actually something I can relate to in a couple of ways. I really liked your use of imagery I really got a sense of what I believe to be a hospital waiting room at the beginning of the story.
Wow, this story.....it's a roller coaster of emotions! You feel something tugging at your heart a bit in the beginning, it's quite sad yet amazing part of the story. Probably my favorite part! I love the imagery you used I could picture the story in my head and the end! I was defiantly was not expecting that! But I loved how you wrote the end; it put a smile on my face. This was amazing! I loved it. ~Kimberly Tsuyuki
Wow I really love this piece, it really brought tears to my eyes. You convey the emotions so well along with the imagery it felt as though I was standing in the hospital room and could feel the emotions of lost and anger. I love how Miss Elise and Arabella come from different paths but still relate from the lost and love they both endured from their fathers.
-Milani Thomas
Madison Pierce period 4
September 8, 2014
Chloe, the way you incorporated an immense amount of imagery allowed me to picture the hospital room and understand the emotions of the girl. I love the structure that you wrote your story in, it really set it up well and had me wondering what was going to happen to next. The flashback added an element that I did not see coming and the little girl interrupting the flashback was the perfect symbol of purity with a touch of comic relief to lighten up the mood.
I am in absolute awe. You are an amazing writer!! I loved how you started with the flashback. It made me get all into my emotions. I really felt like I was that girl who was losing her father. The way you write is so intense it's amazing. I love how you incorporated such an intense moment with the innocence of a sweet child. The contrast between the two really shows how certain people are blinded to what others actually have to deal with in their lives. I love this you did amazing!!
I really love this amazing emotion rollercoaster of a story Chloe!! In the beginning I was bawling my eyes out and I really felt for Miss Elise in losing her father. But then I was smiling and giggling towards the end on how cute Arabella was and the sweet and cute "Can I have goldfish now?" it's truly adorable!! LOVE IT!!!!
- Sarah Skibby
This is a REALLY good story. the plot was perfection and the way you used the imagery broke my heart and fixed it up again. And i also loved when the little girl, Arabella came in. She gave the story a different feeling, a feeling of innocence and purity. Keep up the good work.
- Mariah Rhodes
That was amazing. The way that you showed to the reader how meaningful and unique a trial is to an individual had so much power. And by ending with the little girl walking in who struggled with so much shows how innocence and sometimes even ignorance can push a person through some of the hardest trials that people must go through. I really enjoyed the story.
-Eva Badal
The amount of feels I have for this piece.. ahh. It takes my breath away. The amount of heart put into this piece is conveyed completely and absolutely across the screen. The imagery sincerely evokes every touch in the flashback to be felt, and the ending warmed my heart beyond all brief. The severeness of emotion in the beginning is so profound and heartfelt.. it is truly indescribable. I love the innocence both Elise and Arabella seemed to carry with them, and how they were both brought together by similar situations.
Congrats on a true sensation! :)
Jack Myers
Period 1
Who knew high schoolers could be such good authors?! This was absolutely amazing. The power behind the scene in the hospital. Your imagery depicting a scene where everything was blurred except the girl and her father was great. As a reader I could feel the emotion that she was going through, losing somebody so early when there are other people in the world that do horrible things and continue to live. And then leading the flashback into real life where this lady is now helping a little girl who did not have loving parents was perfect. A really touching and emotional story.
The way that you were able to work in a flashback shows your great skill in writing. The imagery used is also exceptional making the entire story feel as though it was something you witnessed firsthand, it is as though you can personally feel the pain of the teacher and the little girl and you can experience the sadness firsthand. You were also able to convey a somewhat somber and heavy message without leaving the reader feeling saddened or depressed at the end by adding a somewhat light and relieving last line to help the reader feel that despite the horrors of the world that have just been illustrated, there is still happiness. Well done!
-Jacob Horne
This was incredibly put in many ways. It first brings you down of the flashback then brings you up towards the end. Great job.
This is a wonderful entry. The imagery of the hospital scene with Elise and her father is beautiful. Seeing such a little girl, lose such an important figure in her life was very heartbreaking. The scene with Elise interlacing her fingers with those of her deceased father was very precious and I could just feel her strong love for her father through that scene. I also liked the scene with Anabelle both for the humor and lightness that young Anabelle brings, but also for the transition in Elise’s life. She has shown to have grown past the loss of a loved figure in her life, and she has herself become the loving figure that Anabelle has been missing. She has lost someone special to her father and was unable to have that loving relationship with him due to his death, but now she is able to give that love that the cancer had so cruelly taken away from her childhood through her care and love for Anabelle. In the same way that young Elise refused the notion of cancer taking her father away, she has refused to let it ruin and eat away at her life. For this reason, this entry has really been able to capture my love.
Tedman Nguyen
Period: 1
Hi there! I truly enjoyed this piece, in my head I imagined the hospital scene with the girl and her father. The amount of emotion placed into the flashback made me realize that in life, truly sometimes things aren't fair. The fact that many innocent people become victims of severe illnesses such as cancer while bad people roam around freely living out to their heart's content is disheartening. I loved how you connected her deceased father's lullaby into the present when the little girl asked. In a sense, the little girl is a symbol of purity and moving on. Also, really liked the last statement that the little girl made haha. Amazing work (:
Angel Ramirez
Period 1
This piece is really amazing. The imagery helps the piece so much. The way you used it in the flashback was perfect. Also the fact that you made the scene a flashback just really added to the story. Most people would have stopped there and ended the story but you went far beyond that. This story was really touching and pretty amazing.
Alexis Huizar
The rollercoaster of emotions is absolutely amazing and at the same time sad because of the story behind it of a girl loosing her father. I really enjoyed this piece. It had everything in it. From tearing your heart out of your chest out of sadness and emotion from the ending of the girl helping others going through similar circumstances as she did. It was wonderful! I don't know how I'm going to top this story or any of the others when its my turn to write...
Sara Arredondo
period 4
Chloe! im so amazed at how well you were able to capture the emotions losing a loved one to cancer from the very beginning. i teared up immediately. As the story progressed there was just this roller coaster of emotions that ended on a brighter note. Your story is amazing and powerful, it was genius to have the girl grow up to help children who didn't have loving homes.
The emotions in this piece are so surreal and raw that it even made me want to cry and I am one tough cookie. The intimacy you can feel between this girl and her father in the midst of her flashback gave me goosebumps and this child that seems to be happy after facing all these odds is truly inspiring and heartwarming.
-Jacob Valdez
Period 4
The description of death in this story is both negative and positive. Yes it is horrible to lose someone you love but eventually we learn to incorporate that person in our lives in a healthy way. You captured typical human nature perfectly!
-Katelynn G p.4
Your story got all in my emotions. I have dealt with death before and this particularity of emotion held a great deal to me. I liked how you used a flashback to add to the emotional context of the story. I also enjoyed the use of dialogue and the effect it had on me as a part of the audience. This certain portion gave me a happy feeling because of the little girls comments as I also felt sorrow. - Nate Shepard
Oh my gosh Chloe, this was beautiful! The way you portrayed the different relationships a daughter can have with her father, it touched my heart. Although the daddy's girl lost the only one who seemed to protect and comfort her, she still had much to be thankful for. Her blessings then reflect her actions to today, as she comes back to reality, where she takes care of other children who've been through much worse. The life lessons you've taught me in this written piece is seriously amazing. You're so creative and thoughtful, thank you for such an inspirational story.
-Jamie Alarcon P.5
AT the beginning I didn't really understand that it was a flashback. I love the innocence in arabelles eyes when she wanted a goldfish. I hate the mom for burning and locking her kids. Overall this was a great story.
There was so much detail in your story I felt like I was there watching everything happen. I could imagine each moment and scene. At first I wondered why you started writing in italicized but then I realized it was a flashback. The flashback was so well written, it really helped me understand Elise's story. It was heartbreaking to read, but beautiful at the same time. There was so much emotion and I like how descriptive you got. The expression that could "slice steel" really showed how strong of an emotion Elise was feeling. I like how you ended the story with innocence. Sometimes the little things make a huge difference and I can imagine how Arabella's smile made Elise feel better. Overall, a very touching piece and I enjoyed reading it!
-Jeremie Alarcon period 4
This was honestly lovely and confusing at the same time. Your choices of diction were different than what I have ever read. It brought tears to my eyes. I didnt really understand the flash back though. But other than that it was wonderful!
At first I didn't understand that it was a flashback but when I did it was amazing. I also love how arabelle innocence when she asked for a gold fish captured me into the story. I also despise the mother for burning and locking her children in the closet for two days. That's sick. I really loved your story.
Your piece was so touching and powerful. I'm sure many people can relate to losing a loved one and others can relate even more in that it was cancer that was the cause of death for Elise's father, but the fact that you were able to capture this emotion into words and use imagery to allow the readers to place themselves into Elise's position is truly beautiful. Your piece utilizes the flashback in such an effective way. The element of the lullaby you incorporated really does represent pure and good childhood memories and the scene in which Arabella catches Elise singing goes to show that memories like that can't be tainted by bad experiences. My favorite part was the entire ending where readers learn that Elise's traumatic experience has led her into a happy life where she helps others, such as Arabella.
- Ellamae Armado. Period 1
Many times, those who go through death and loss bury themselves in a hole of grief and sadness. And although clearly this woman is still deeply affected by her father's death, she instead decides to pass the love on. And in that sense, she keeps her father alive. But at the same time, I sense that she wears a mask of some sorts in order to keep others happy. Perhaps I am wrong in this interpretation, but it seems as though after all these years, (assuming she lost her father as a kid or teenager) she is still troubled, but cannot let anyone see this, especially the children she cares for. Through your use of dialogue and diction, I sensed an element of animosity between her and her mother, implying she was much closer with her father. So in a sense, she lost the one person that she could speak with and express her feelings to. At least, that is how I perceived it. Terrific job!
-Andy Reinschmit Per 4
period 2
Great story telling, and the dialogue in this piece was outstanding. very captivating, no only to do you tell a story that people go through you tell the story with such emotion great job!!!
Wow! Just wow! I love the sentence structure of this and the emotion into it. I feel myself being pulled into this story as I read. It's really hard to catch my attention to new pieces but yours was exquisite my dear! Keep it up! And keep up the great story line!
-Katheryn Valle Period 4.
Your piece was so genuine and real. I was confused at first about the transition but when I realized that it was a flashback and it returned to the present was a great way to make the ending piece super powerful. Great Job!
This story really hit me, but in a good way. The imagery used in the moment of her father's last moments set a focus on just the two of them fit perfectly in a haunting flashback. Also on the reference to the song "House at Pooh Corner" actually brought back some memories of my own, who knew right? But anyway, wonderful story and I am glad I was able to read your piece of work.
-Mahlon Howard: Period 4
I really enjoyed this piece because it helped me see the irony in life.The fact that she did not understand why her father had cancer and passed away when she knew there are people out there who do evil things and over her father should have been sick.It warms my heart how she ends up helping someone whose parents are incarcerated. This poem was so full of emotion. I felt it all the way through.
Richie Gaspers
Period 5
That was really good Chloe, and that flashback really hit hard to me. The song was a blast to the past that I completely forgot about until I read this. You got me into it right away and that was a really powerful piece.
Your piece was incredibly touching and relatable. I loved how you began your story with really heavy material, but used a light and uplifting scenario to contrast and balance the initial tragedy. I like how you introduced the theme of the inevitability of death in the beginning, because this helped me realize how truly and utterly unprepared people are to handle the deaths of loved ones. Pain, denial, self-blame, and hatred are just some of the emotions that run through those who lose loved ones, and I love how the girl experiences helplessness due to these emotions. However, I like how you ended it with the message that despite being blindsighted by the death of loved ones, people can still manage to move on and find inner peace and happiness. Time fixes everything, and this story definitely conveyed that message. Great job!
Merosa Uiagalelei
Period 5
This story was brilliant, I admire the diction used. In addition the provoked emotions given were amazing. The emotion kept me wanting more through out the whole piece. The provided perspective in the beginning by the narrator is mysterious and urged me to keep reading. I also enjoyed the added character in the end, the innocence of the child helps define the meaning of the piece clearly. All in all you did an awesome job!
Your story has a very well written imagery. It's so shocking
about what that little girl been through. This is a really great story!!
-Daisy Fuentes
Per. 2
This is a very well written and structured story!!! I felt so attached to the narrator and her loss of a father. I didn't realize in the beginning that the hospital scene was a flashback. Very well composed and written!!! Good job!!! -Altierre Paris
Yoo this was really an incredible piece, I really enjoyed the fact how you were able to capture the emotion of the main character, so much so that it really made me view this devastation from her perspective. The use of how you were able to illustrate the flashback scene especially when you said, She looked down at me softly. It was the first time I had ever seen any kind of softness in her. Any vulnerability. She stepped back, and everybody left the room. I turned back to the body below me and interlaced my fingers with his one last time", this is truly an example of how descriptive your piece was and the amount of self control this young character had. Great job man!
I really enjoyed reading this! Your usage of imagery allowed me to envision every aspect of the narration. I felt as if Arabella and Miss Elise had an unspoken understanding for each other due to the loss of both of their fathers. I enjoyed how you incorporated a flashback in the beginning, and the end made me smile a lot. Great job on the piece.
I actually really enjoyed this piece because i can relate to it so easily and i can imagine the pain of the main characters face as she lost her father. I have lost two of my uncles to cancer and my mother is survivor so i know what cancer can do to a family, you captured what a person would feel like and think once they lose someone to cancer perfectly. Your use of imagery was great on you described the room and the main character. Your really good at capturing human emotion onto the page home you will continue writing.
Wow Chloe! Goodjob. At first, I was very confused, but then I realized you were using the technique of flashback in the first part of your piece. I love how you were able to related the "then" to the "now" in your piece. Your piece reflected a message of "life goes on". Yes, we lose people in our lives. Yes, it hurts us deeply. Yes, things will change. However, we, as people, have our own life to live, and I feel that your piece really speaks that to the audience. I love how descriptive you were in describing the emotions that the girl was feeling and how her reactions were. It created a great sense of imagery. I really do hope you keep writing! You've always got something interesting to say.
Isaiah Johnson
Period 1.
When I read your entry for the first time I was at a loss for words. Imagery brought to life the hospital room. It brought me back to the time i was once in the hospital and feeling an emptiness inside that could never be filled. Your entry brought up the question of why our loved ones die when there are murderers and other criminals out there, which i believe most of us ask when we lose someone dear to us. I love how you used the first part of the story as a flashback. The descriptions you used made the emotions felt by the girl more real and makes your entry a real beauty. Great work!
This story really brought me to tears! I loved every word in this story I felt like I was actually there. I loved the imagery you used for this and I loved how you used a flashback in the story as well. It was absolutely amazing great job!
-Caitlin Nguyen
The flash back added another element to your great story that was very detailed. I can tell you really put some hard work into this piece good job!!!!
by Jesse Jauregui
this story actually was pretty sad i felt really bad about what was going on you explained perfectly of what the girl was going through. throughout the whole piece and you included very good points of imagery. Another thing is that the descriptions used about the emotions the girl was going through it was well explained great job.
The story was actually pretty sad when i started reading it i felt bad about what the girl was going through of how she thought that she was the best and it should've been her there are alot of good points of imagery you well explained it goood job
by Omid Raziani
This is a wonderful entry. The imagery of the hospital scene with Elise and her father is beautiful. Seeing such a little girl, lose such an important figure in her life was very heartbreaking. The scene with Elise interlacing her fingers with those of her deceased father was very precious and I could just feel her strong love for her father through that scene. I also liked the scene with Anabelle both for the humor and lightness that young Anabelle brings, but also for the transition in Elise’s life. She has shown to have grown past the loss of a loved figure in her life, and she has herself become the loving figure that Anabelle has been missing. She has lost someone special to her father and was unable to have that loving relationship with him due to his death, but now she is able to give that love that the cancer had so cruelly taken away from her childhood through her care and love for Anabelle. In the same way that young Elise refused the notion of cancer taking her father away, she has refused to let it ruin and eat away at her life. For this reason, this entry has really been able to capture my love.
Ebohni Smith
Period 4
The inclusion of the flashback in the beginning of your flash fiction drew me into the hospital room along with the family and throughout the whole piece I went through the whole experience with the woman as well. I appreciate how you interrupted the memory with Arabella's voice, the inclusion of that shift really brought the whole story together. Great work, Chloe.
Your piece was definitely a journey. I loved how you personified the walls to be heaving and losing strength, as if even the structure of the hospital itself was in lament for the narrator's father. The desperate pleading by the narrator in the flashback beckons questions held by many: why do terrible things happen to good people? Why are the wicked graced with good things? I love the way that you approached these questions head on. You successfully transformed the grief of the main character into a growing desire to help other children that were facing similar situations. Well done.
–Fernando Mauri, Period 1
Your use of flashback and imagery really got my attention and kept me interested. Extremely great piece and I could relate to the story in a sense. Bittersweet ending and I absolutely LOVED it. Great job!
-Haylie D
Philip Ahn
4th
Wow!! I'm in complete shock. This was so good! I loved how you specifically showed her emotions towards her father and how he means a lot to her. Haha your ending was great. Thank you for making made my day. Keep up the great work. <3
Great Job! I loved how you showed so much emotion and how hard it can be to lose someone very important in your life. You were very descriptive about the hospital and that last good bye of her father. It created a great sense of imagery. I also loved your use of flashback and how although losing someone is tough you can still overcome it and carry on a stronger person. Good job! I really liked it.
Alyssa A.
Period 5
This caught my attention immediately. I think that the subject of cancer is very touchy, and would emotionally appeal to a lot of people today. I especially like how you had her show her emotions toward her father and showed how she felt about him.The tone is a bit sad throughout the poem. A lot of people can relate to this. Wow! Great job. It made me quite sad, but in the best way.
Melany M Period 1
Your story was amazing, I like how you utilized a flashback in the beginning. By throwing the reader in the middle of a situation, without any context, it catches their attention immediately. This story was full of different emotions and I reacted to every one of them. The merging of the two situations, the present and past, worked well together and provided depth.
-Diana Padilla
period 1
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