It was
a small, boring town. It was a house upon a hill. It was an old man in his
chair.
The old man gazed out in the distance with a
worn out frown on his face. The same frown had been on his face since 1975. His
grass was dead, and his house was rotting. Boy, how he hated life. A noise in
the driveway caught his attention. A milkman walked up and gave the old man a
smile and waved. Boy, how he hated the milkman.
“Howdy-doo!”
the milkman said with peculiar enthusiasm. “Here’s your delivery for the week.
My oh my, it’s just golly good weather we’re having!” The old man glared and
raised his middle finger. The milkman chuckled. “Betcha-by-golly-wow you sure
are the best kidder in town!”
“You
know, Ed,” the old man started saying, “maybe if you KNEW how to take a damn
hint, your wife would KNOW how to be faithful!” The milkman looked puzzled.
“Gee-wiz
you really are the best kidder! My old lady does love the Lord!” (Unbeknownst
to the milkman, his wife had actually in fact, had multiple affairs).
“Say, I
gotta get goin’ but I’ll sure as helicopters be back next week!” He walked down
the driveway. All the while, Mr. O’neill just went back to his gazing.
After
being startled by the sound of the milk truck engine, the old man looked up.
“What a damn fool.” The smell of laundry blew down the street as the summer
breeze picked up. Mr. O’Neil looked up the street and saw a woman on a mission.
She was heading his way and was at the foot of his driveway.
“Good
afternoon sir! I’m with the American Cancer Society, and I am looking for donations
for cancer research so we can find a cure!” She gave him a million dollar smile
and leaned her head to the right.
He shot
daggers into her eyes. “What the hell have cancer people ever done for me?”
She
looked startled. “Well it’s not so much what they’ve done for you but-”
“You
can take that clipboard and shove it up your a** for all I care!” He stood up
and pointed at her. “Now go on and scram!”
“Well
you sir are just plain mean. Why can’t you just be a decent person?” She
powerwalked back up the street in tears.
He went
back to the usual gazing at nothing. In actuality, he was a Vietnam veteran who
never got over the trauma and he bottled it all up and just blew up on everyone
he came in contact with. His only lover had died giving birth to a daughter
that ran away with a felon. He sat back down in his chair and fell right through
it.
Liberatingly,
he laughed.
It was
a dry brittle laugh. It was a sunny day. It was a man smiling.
After
years of bitterness and anger, he knew he was going to be okay.
33 comments:
This was an extremely well-written piece ! I very much enjoyed the small town, colloquialism-riddled dialogue, and felt it was a nicely added touch to the overall small town atmosphere. I also appreciated the first three intro sentences as an unusual, but to-the-point way of setting the mood and tone. The dynamic between the man's actions and his past is very fulfilling, and the ending is very succinct and comforting. Overall, it was a crisply written piece with a cold, but interesting story to tell.
Chloë Miller, Period 5 c/o 2015
This piece was great! I like the message you sent with this story, don't judge someone because you never know what they have gone through. I can't relate this back to my great uncle, who was also in the vietnam war. He however deals with the horrible things he has seen with alcohol. Great job!
Hey there Jacob!
I love the abruptness of your entry. The reader totally thinks this guy is a jerk and, BAM, he's a war veteran and is automatically excused. I also really enjoyed how you gave each character their own voice and you can totally tell exactly what type of person they are. Also, it was very strange because I started to sing the first couple sentences in my head since you did name it "Mr. Brightside". Well, all-in-all, I loved your whole piece and do hope you write more in the future because I volunteer to read all of your writing! (:
I love the creativity you put into each character, the words and dialect of the perky milkman and innocent women, "she power walked back up the street" I can envision what type of lady she is perfectly. "His grass was dead, and his house was rotting" just from this quote you can already infer that the old man's life has stopped and he is slowing dying inside due to his bitter hatred of life, I came to the assumption that he is just an old man about to die so he hates everyone, but towards the end of the story you reveal his life tragedy and it explains why he is so miserable and wants to make everyone else miserable, but later comes to the realization that he was going to be okay, thus relating to the title Mr. Brightside because after all those years of hatred and anger he finally saw a a positive ending. I also like the repetition in the beginning and the end. It starts with a small boring town with a house on the hill and ends with a man smiling on a sunny day.
You put an amazing amount of thought into this story! I loved it! It had great imagery, "She powerwalked back up the street in tears" And, "It was a dry brittle laugh. It was a sunny day. It was a man smiling." You think he's a total jerk, the way he acts towards the milkman and to the woman representing the American Cancer Society and then you reveal his back story, his past experiences. It was a very creative story! You did a truly great job!
-Kimberly Tsuyuki
Period 6
This story was very thought provoking. Almost the entire story the milkman is seen as the "bad guy" as a result of the limited information the reader is given, but once the reader is provided with back ground of the old mans life the reader sees he is dealing with the trials in his life much better than most. This story catches many in a snap judgement, teaching the reader not to judge just off of what one first sees and notices.
Eva Badal
Per.1
This is one of the best short stories I've read in a long time. I loved how you were able to incorporate so much themes and techniques in only a few lines. It was truly amazing that the man was really going through something that would have destroyed anybody, but the story ended off on a good note. This comes to show that we must not be mean to people because we never what type of battle they are fighting. This was a good story and has a powerful message great job.
I loved the dialogue in this piece. The old man was very straight forth and frank although though he was rude about it, it was kind of refreshing compared to the fake smiles and hellos we get from people now-a-days. I really enjoyed every characters attitudes it really showed how people act different because they've had different experiences than each other. Your descriptive words were very impressive as well. I feel bad for the milk man poor guy probably knows his wife is cheating and acts delusion to it all. Thanks for the story!
Evelin Conde
Period 5
This story is amazing. It had so much imagery in it. The old man at first seems like a bad guy but its just that he has had a bad life. The was my favorite part because it finally explained why he was such a jerk to those people. I loved it!
Jocelyn Rangel
Period:2
10/11/14
I LOVE the milkman! I like how you make his so happy! The story had great imagery by the way you explain his house and how he tells everyone to leave. I didn't really understand the end that well though. I was really curious why the man was so grumpy and why he was so cruel to these nice people coming to his door but I guess he has a good reason to be so mean because his life wasn't going the greatest because of what happened to his wife. The story kept me hooked the whole time! Nice job!
I am seriously in love with the way you wrote this story and this story in general. FANTASTIC job Jacob! You can really see the thought and time you spent in writing this piece and it’s absolutely amazing. As I was reading it, to some extent, the only man presented reminded me greatly of Mr. Fredrickson from UP and when I was imagining the story whilst reading I visualized Mr. Fredrickson and his house from the beginning of the movie. Your detail and imagery was just simply phenomenal. The way you structured the piece really brought the whole story to life. You made the sentences short, quick and concise and this really set the mood more. By using the diction you used, there was a greater portrayal of depth and understanding of what was going on during the exact moment of the sentence. I found it quite upsetting that Mr. O’neill never got help for his trauma after the war and all these years he felt this longing hatred for everything around him. It did, however, bring me slight optimism when he smiled and laughed for a short period at the end realizing he will be okay. Anyway, once again, GREATTTT job!(:
Christian Black
Period 1
Wow I really liked this piece Jacob, as I was reading I was wondering why is this guy so bitter? But then the other characters were presented then I thought I would probably be grumpy like him to. This piece reminded me of how obvious people can be at time's. Having no idea what others are going through or went through. That everything is absolutely perfect and completely ignoring the the problems in front of them. That's the amazing message I got from this piece. I also love the imagery as well. How the lady was on a "mission" to get to his house speed walking I could visualize her perfectly! Great job
I enjoyed the ending of this because it's sometimes hard to see past the ugliness of people sometimes yet many times there is a reason for that ugliness. i also liked how you portrayed the whole "ignorance is bliss" thing with the milkman.
The one thing that really made me want to read this was seeing that the title was Mr. Brightside. Coincidentally, that song was playing as I read this. To get back on topic, the way you used detailed words to describe how a character feels and how they act stuck out to me. It was enjoyable. :D It was a well done, straightforward, descriptive story. -Joey Roest
Wow, Jacob. I almost thought you were a real professional writer. This was funny but somehow relatable. Good Job!
This story was really detailed and way to use literary devices. Good Job!!!!
Noah Martinez
P.2
It’s impossible to like the milkman. You’re not alone, and neither is the old man. I've never heard of the phrase "sure as helicopters," but I can picture optimistic slack-jawed dairymen saying it. I absolutely love this language that you've created to portray the flyover state of affairs. Certainly a piece of skilled writing that deserves acclaim.
This old man reminds me of my grandpa. A Vietnam Vet who is cranky all the time and yells for no reason when he speaks. But what really reminded me of him is of his soft side towards the end. Backstory played a major role in this story and it is displayed so simply that it gives loads of information to the reader. from this the readers dislike for the man decreases while the story comes to a end, and provides a good character contrast. Overall I really enjoyed reading your story! -Katelynn Gutierrez Period 4
Great piece, Jacob. I love the dynamic of the old man and your use of imagery in the beginning to complement the old man's bitter personality. When I first read this I couldn't understand why the old man was so mean and brutal to everyone, but the background given at the end changed my mind. The revealing detail made me empathize with him and see that with so much exposure to violence and the evil truths in the world, how couldn't you be bitter? After that, I felt like he represented the cold truth and the hard reality that life is like with the ignorant man's cheating wife and the very positive woman hoping for a cure for cancer. The real part that interested me though was the ending. It went from really tragic, with the explanation of why he was so mean and miserable, to lighthearted as you find out that in that moment he finally finds joy, even if it is in the most trivial way.
I enjoyed reading this story Jacob! It reminded me of the Disney movie, Up, but way more detailed in terms of language. The way you structured the story was very entertaining because of the enthusiasm language used from the milk man to the emotional women advertising the American Cancer Society. The attitude and tone was angry and uptight with the old man which was interesting to find out he was a Vietnam veteran and everything he's been through. I also loved the way you started the story with "It was" and ended with that as well because it showed the transition of the grumpy old man, that nobody seemed to like, eventually smiled and laughed. Overall, I thought this story was great!
Period 4
This is a great story. I really liked the ending and how it reveals that the man has a reason why he is bitter, rather than just being a bitter old man, and how he smiles and realizes everything will be okay. The difference in diction used for the dialogue between the old man, milkman, and lady really helped to distinguish the different characteristics of each character. The imagery used to describe how the man regarded each character was also effective. Overall I thought this was a really great story.
This piece was extremely well written and i enjoyed how his bitterness was explained and how it was resolved at the end. This story gives us a view of how events in our life can change our attitude towards other aspects later in life.
Gabriel Borrego
Period 4
It started off kind of funny, but the tone shifted near the end and it wiped the smile off my face. I was not expecting such a sad story behind the old man. Besides that, I love how you put a lot of humor into the story, then ended on a more serious note. It goes to show how you may never know a person's reasons on why they act the way they do. Great message. Good job Jacob! :D
Melany Mailangkay
Period 1
This is a good story lots of details and imagery. The old man was very mean,I also like how you made the old man sound so mean as possible. Love the detail of the story. Good Job!!!!!!!
Very Interesting. This was a big turn from a usual fiction narrative. It surprised me how disappointed he looked at the world but then when it states that he is a veteran, that just explains everything. Is this setting an example of a traditional veteran or is this simply how everyone seems to look at a person who has gone through life-changing trauma and can't express it properly? Really nice irony on the title too. Thank you for writing!
-Frederick Sagoe
Probably my favorite September submission so far, the amount of personality that shone through the characters really made your story stand out. “'maybe if you KNEW how to take a damn hint, your wife would KNOW how to be faithful!” The milkman looked puzzled. ", that line was golden.
Man, good job! I really enjoyed the dry humor and the characters you built to contrast the old man. My favorite part has to be "Unbeknownst to the milkman, his wife has actually in fact, had multiple affairs" but more than that the storytelling was really effective telling it in the present with the old, bitter, snapping (and actually really funny) man and then going backwards to show what caused his change in character and the shift in tone was really effective and dramatic and I dig it. Again, great job, had me laughing for days and provoked my thoughts as well :)
Damairis Lao. Period 1
Good job, man! I really enjoyed the dry humor and the characters you built to contrast the old man. My favorite part has to be "(Unbeknownst to the milkman, his wife had actually in fact, had multiple affairs)." because he's the sweetest guy and talks in "gee wiz's" and "by gollys" but more than that, I thought the way you narrated it made the story effective by showing the old man in the present really snapping and bitter (and actually really funny) and then jumping back to show what caused him to change made a dramatic shift in tone and it worked really well. Again, great job, had me laughing for days and provoked my thoughts as well :)
I LOVE THE MILKMAN! He is probably my favorite I loved his personality! Great use of imagery! This story kid of reminded me of the old manon monster house how he was grumpy because his wife died and he just hated everyone and kids. The ending sort of confused me a little bit though. But I loved the things you made the chracters say in the story! You could all tell that they all had a personality! GREAT JOB!
I like how you start the story with the old man being really cruel and mean towards life. When he talks to the milk man it reminds me of Homer Simpson and Ned Flanders. Using words that aren't commonly used and flamboyant makes the milk man an even more of a foil to the old man. The reason as to why the old man acts the way he does makes the story make more sense.
Very good story well written. The old man was a rude man. like the way you made the man seem mean as possible, like the words you used to describe things.
-Luis Toro
This story is quite good, considering how it begins with the audience having a hatred for this old man in his chair. He seems so unloveable and irrational. How could I ever find something to like or at least understand about him? But to my surprise, you were able to make me sympathize with this completely hateful man. Well done. I enjoy whenever an author is able to turn my point of view.
-Andy Reinschmidt
People always seemed to forget the trauma veterans have and take their bitterness as just being mean or rude, but they don't realize that these people have not relieved themselves or dealt with their trauma. The happy- go- lucky tone of the milkman set me up for a shock when the old man responded the way he did. Overall i loved this piece and hope to see more.
- Isaiah Johnson
Per. 1
Post a Comment