It’s beautiful how the sky’s blueness
seems pure and innocent. So clear not a cloud in sight. The laughter of
children, birds and butterflies fill the sky with excitement. Flowers’
blossoming as the warm summer breeze sweeps away its pollen. As the sun shines
it gives a new vibrant feeling. It gave me a wholesome feeling but who am I to
say it’s perfect. Everybody’s summer experiences are different than the next
person. Some say it’s beautiful and enjoyable. Others say it brings back the
memories of the fatal tragedy that once happened.
Unfortunately, I am one of those
people who do not enjoy summer. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like with
my sister here. Thing weren’t the same after Micah died. It seems our happiness
died with her. My mom never smiles or speaks to anybody anymore. The police
claim she went into a Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. She mostly sits in the
room looking through Micah’s baby pictures. My dad became an alcoholic and left
us miserable while he went out every night. Sometimes I wonder if they ever
considered my feelings. After all she was my twin sister. Strangely I always
wondered how it felt to be kidnapped. Every night I close my eyes and imagine
myself in Micah’s position. Then I would say my prayers asking god for forgiveness.
I often began to think her death was
my fault. This would have never happened if I didn’t skip school. Maybe if it
was both of us she would have had a better chance to make it out alive. The
guilt ate me alive after she was pronounced. I told the police we got in an
argument and she stormed off to a dirt trail. The tension began to rise as the
police told us her remains were never found. Is she alive? Is the kidnapper
holding her for hostage? If she returns will my lie begin to unravel? The
thought of my parent’s heart breaking even more became too much to bare. I
decided to handle the situation as best as possible. I grabbed a step stool and
a rope. I tied the rope around my neck and hung it on the balcony. Then I
slowly let the breeze push me off the ledge.
89 comments:
Wow what a powerful story. It had a lot of details. I like it! Great Job!
-Nick
Wow. That was very powerful. Lots of details. Good job!
-Nick Hinojosa
Very nice. I couldn’t take my eyes off from beginning to end.
-Mia Tolliver
September 7 ,2014 12:59
Very nice. I couldn’t take my eyes off from beginning to end.
-Mia Tolliver
Very descriptive! I loved it! It included many details. You are a gifted writer!
-Josie Starr
This was amazing, I loved how you started it off. I imagined looking outside and seeing the picture you described with the "sky's blueness seeming pure and innocent" and how "as the sun shines it gives a new vibrant feeling". I was amazing how you used imagery, it's like you painted a picture. It was also amazingly descriptive! I loved it! ~Kimberly Tsuyuki, Period 6
Really liked this piece it was well written with many details.
-Vymian San
I loved it. I liked the description. You could almost feel the emotion. I liked the way you indirectly said the main hung herself.
- Pierce Bryant
Hey Deja!
I really liked your story! I loved all you detail, but, man, the ending really threw me a curve ball! Wow! I also enjoy your contrast between how beautiful some people see summer and how ugly summer is for the speaker. Great job (:
Very compelling! this makes me want to know what happened to her or if she will come back! I love how it is in the point of view of the twin and how much detail you use when describing their pain.
-Milani Thomas
Vey compelling! This makes me want to know what happened to her or if she will come back! I love how this is in the point of view of the twin and how you use a lot of detail when conveying their pain.
-Milani Thomas
Madison Pierce period 5
September 8., 2014
The amount of emotion and descriptive writing allows the reader to picture the events that occurred and feel the sorrow that resonates with the twin sister and the family. Symbols such as the summer bringing back memories gives more details to the story and related facts for the reader. Fabulous job!!
Madison Pierce period 5
September 8., 2014
The amount of emotion and descriptive writing allows the reader to picture the events that occurred and feel the sorrow that resonates with the twin sister and the family. Symbols such as the summer bringing back memories gives more details to the story and related facts for the reader. Fabulous job!!
Vey compelling! This makes me want to know what happened to her or if she will come back! I love how this is in the point of view of the twin and how you use a lot of detail when conveying their pain.
-Milani Thomas
Thank You! I have a passion for writing and i want to continue to grow ! thank you for your support!
I thought that your story was very well put together and flows very nicely. I love when stories make you think more about it even after they are over! It helps boost up your thoughts about what happens to your characters and even farther!
- Sarah Skibby
I really love how you write. The description and details of everything going on was perfect. I didn't want to stop reading! Keep up the good work.
-mariah rhodes
Wow, I did not expect that ending. You did a great job on the beginning, and you definitely know how to hook someone and keep them reading until the end. I loved the internal conflict, too. Keep up the good work!
-Cristina Sanchez
I love how this poem was planned out. You started off with a really happy, joyful, descriptive beginning, but gradually all those emotions immediately shifted into sadness and grief. It had a really great effect on playing with my emotions. It was definitely a well written story.
This was really descriptive and I actually thought this happened to you until the end. Great story.
For a story so short, this piece was able to keep me interested and guessing. At the end of reading I was left feeling as though I wanted more. The emotions and the ambiguous ending keep readers interested until the last line and even beyond. Leaving audiences with so many unanswered questions makes it hard to not desire closure. You clearly have great skill in this and it definitely shows, you are able to capitalize on this desire for closure to grab the reader's attention even though the story is short.
-Jacob Horne
very detailed! i didnt want your story to end i loved it !
Daniel Jackson period 2
September 14, 2014
I love this story, especially at the end where you say that she tied a rope on her neck and slowly let the breeze push her off. It makes me want to know what happened next! Did she die? I love how you left it a cliff hanger!!! XD
Wow! I really like how the title goes so well with the story. You really had me thinking that the sister could be the strong one and move on in life, but the ending caught me by surprise. A very powerful story and message displayed! Keep writing!
-Katelynn G p.4
The story was a great piece. The story also makes the reader think about what's going to happen next and that makes the reader want to keep reading! Also, i liked the use of imagery from how summer is beautiful but then becoming less of that and more sorrowful.
Powerfully written! I loved how the story traps our heart with the heart wrenching reality that the speakers twin sister might be dead like half of herself is. How her family is. It is a wonderfully tragic written story. Loved it!
-Cynthia Alcala
Jack Myers
Period: 1
I really like this story for all of its ambiguity. The use of vivid imagery of a bright and beautiful summer in the beginning to contrast what she really feels inside was spot on. I only have one question. Is the lie that she skipped school? Why did skipping school have an effect on the kidnapping? That part was just a little confusing but besides that you did a really good job.
Isabelle Huynh
Per.1
The way the story revealed itself, the sky introduction to the character introduction, and then finally to the character death was really impressive. I also really enjoyed how you wrote the justification of the character going through the situation. The thing that stood out to me the most was the diction in the last line "Then I slowly let the breeze push me off the ledge." It's almost as if they were comparing it to a summer sky. Great job!!!
Marian Hollinquest
Period 1
The vagueness of the sister's disappearance really amplifies the reader's empathic feeling of guilt with the speaker. I particularly enjoyed the irony of the ending, in which the speaker believed that she could save her parents from desolation and wanted to 'handle the situation as best as possible' by killing herself. Dare I say, it was very 'Shakespeare-ian' The story in general is comparable to a short story, the REALLY short story. The lack of explanation provokes the reader's mind and raises more questions than answers.
Great story!
Wow, really great story, very detailed and well put. Its so good in detail you can even feel the sisters pain shes going through. Keep up the good work.
Beautifully written! I love how you were very descriptive
- Chiquitita Annisa
This was a really good story, i loved how you described the bright and peaceful scenery in the beginning , and then you showed the internal conflict, and how it was impacting her. You had really great detail , I think a little bit more detail on how the kidnapping and skipping school would help to tie it all together. All all, I really liked this story, and i couldn't take my eyes off it ! good job!
- Lucca Kayahara
Kaleha Spencer
Period:4
Wow what an amazing story, I was very intrigued while reading it. Towards the middle I was definitely on edge of my seat trying to piece together what was going on. It was very interesting, I keep thinking about the secret and what it may be. Good job, keep up the great work! :D
Noah Martinez
Period:2
Wow great story I like how you used details and put a conflict in there. Good Job!!!
Great story! The whole time I could picture what was going on in my head. It was truly a movie in my head. You had very descriptive detail about how she felt and what she was thinking. Great job!
Tommy McDonnell
Period 2
For a seconnd i thought this was real but it was very descrptive and well explained and you can take this skill in wriiting far so Good Job
-Kamau O
A very powerful story. It was very descriptive, and the end was amazing too. Loved it!
- Anthony Chao, Period 6
Period 1
You're a talented writer. The way you compared the majority of how people view summer as a time of enjoyment takes a sharp turn when you mention a tragedy that occurs in this girl's life story. From the "pure and innocent" blue skies and "a new vibrant feeling," your switch to the death of Micah comes with numerous effects such as a mother with PTSD and an alcoholic father. The actions of one can affect the lives of many, as seen in this story. Although your use of first person only shows a narrow but specific perspective has me to question who really is to blame in this situation?
I enjoyed the fact that you made this a frame story. A story has already happened, that I don't know of, which leaves a lot of questions. But it also leaves a lot to imagine about this story. The emotion conveyed is extremely overwhelming, which is fantastic. You did a great job of emphasizing the guilt by starting off with a joyous beginning. Overall, amazing job, you have real potential.
Deja--
Well. That threw me for a loop. I definitely didn't see that coming. Which, I hope, was clearly your intent. The imagery on this piece is exquisite and the intricacy with which it is dealt is masterful. The ending, is definitely my favorite part. Literarily speaking, not much surprises me, but that definitely did. I love how vague the actual plotline is. It almost emphasizes the insignificance of our lives against the mass of the universe. Congratulations on a great piece.
Wow! The story you told was very thrilling and interesting to read. I loved how you showed such clear imagery throughout the story, and that I was able to picture every scene happening. It is a great piece! Great job! Now, the only question I have is what did she lie about?
- Sophia Bobadilla P.1
This story really knew how to stay in tune with my emotions from the beginning happiness of summer to the chest-tightening grip of the speaker's suicide. The effectiveness of your syntax with short simple sentences that produce huge and emotional reactions throughout the reader is a form of art in its own. Keep up the good work!
-Jacob Valdez
Period 4
i thought the story was really amazing you had so much imagery i could actually imagine my self in the story. towards the end i was surprised that the narrator would do that.....but thats were the title makes sense.
Wow! I really like how the title goes so well with the story. You really had me thinking that the sister could be the strong one and move on in life, but the ending caught me by surprise. A very powerful story and message displayed! Keep writing!
-Katelynn G p.4
Wow! I really like how the title goes so well with the story. You really had me thinking that the sister could be the strong one and move on in life, but the ending caught me by surprise. A very powerful story and message displayed! Keep writing!
-Katelynn G p.4
Wow that was really good! I loved how the story went from being cheerful and giving so much imagery on how summer is, to a dark and sad mood. Very nice contrast!
-Daniel Alaniz
Per.4
Deja,
Your story is so amazing!! It's very descriptive and dark story.
At the last sentence of your story build so much climax.
You did an amazing job!!
-Daisy Fuentes
Per. 2
This story gave me chills! One reason is because I am a twin and can't imagine the pain or guilt I would've felt if my twin died/disappeared the way Micah did. Huge plot twist, and I love plot twists! From the beginning, you used a lot of imagery and I could picture a beautiful happy life, but how crazy did things change within sentences! My heart was beating fast and I did not anticipate that ending, nor did I think the speaker was capable of ending her own life. The speaker sounded strong and courageous from the first paragraph, but the cold truth was she was depressed and guilty. Overall, your piece was so simple, yet so captivating. Amazing job!
-Jeremie Alarcon period 4
Your story started off with such a light and happy tone that I would have never expected it to become so dark. The fact that you use such bright imagery in the beginning and contrast it with such a dark experience really hooked me. I found myself relating to the imagery that depicted a typical summer setting, but right when the plot twisted, I was so interested to find out what had happened to the sister. It was like reading a real mystery! Your story really captures the essence of the influence of traumatic experiences and the foreshadowing from your title is my favorite part of this all. Good job!
-Ellamae Armado, Period 1
This story beautifully tales a dark tale. I love it. The way the story flowed and gave an intense imagery and connection to actual emotions one can feel it became a great thing for me to read.
-Joey Roest
Simran Bajwa
Period 1
Can I just say one thing: I did not expect that! I was reading this story after getting done reading a horror entry, and I was like "oh, this entry looks light and pleasant, it won't have anything close to what I just got done reading." Nope! The plot twist in this story made me jump out of my seat a bit. I didn't expect the speaker to commit suicide. I wanted to know if Micah is actually alive or not, and knowing there was a plot twist in this story, I would be depressed if I found out Micah was still alive, and how the speaker had already committed suicide without knowing. But this story is something people can really relate to due to the fact guilt eats away at people and it really causes people to make life changing decisions. Overall, this was such a great piece. Keep writing more! Great job!
Period 6
I am speechless I was confused in the beginning but at the end it all just made scents.In the beginning i immediately knew that it was a dark story so i was reading it in a deep somewhat scary voice. But overall i loved it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hope to read more :)
By: Leo Franco
period 2
That was a great use of imagery and was very well as the story grew darker it really captured me in and i think this was an amazing piece good job.
Wow. I am honestly speechless. This piece was so captivating and thrilling. So many questions came to my mind when I finished reading. What lie was the speaker talking about? What exactly happened that day? Why were they arguing in the first place? I'm so intrigued, I'm curious of what happened to the speaker and her twin before. This piece really got me on my toes and made me speechless. Especially in the end, it broke my heart. Amazing piece, I loved it.
-Grace Panjaitan
Period 4
You're a gifted writer. How is it possible I can clearly feel all these emotions? How can you captivate my attention in this piece? You're just amazing. I loved the imagery and emotion in this piece, and I could just follow everything you were saying. Very fluid in your words and I loved it good job!
Katheryn Valle Period 4
Idalys Martinez
Period 1
Wow. When I first started reading this story, I was expecting a peaceful, happy story because of how you described summer with the beautiful, clear skies and the laughter of children. As I continued to read, my attention was really drawn in with the change of tone to something more serious and mysterious. I absolutely love how much imagery you used so that the audience could picture exactly what was going on. The only criticism I could say is to clear up what exactly happened to the sister and how it's possibly the speaker's fault. That was the only confusion I had, but besides that, wonderful job!
Merosa Uiagalelei
Period 5
This is a compelling piece, I enjoyed the structure. The shift in tone and emotion captured my attention. In addition, the descriptive imagery helped trigger my emotion. As a result to personally having only one sister this piece deeply resonated with me. The possibility of ever losing her and experiencing the situation such as the piece is an eye opener. Therefore making me appreciate my sister even more. I took pleasure in reading this piece and applaud the emotions it provokes!
I genuinely enjoyed reading this piece and I did not expect that shocking outcome. The way you used imagery to transition from a beautiful summer in the beginning to a tragic suicide in the end really impressed me. You did a fantastic job building the suspense and developing the story. It was an extremely thought provoking piece that brought out many dark and heartbreaking emotions. Overall, you did a great job conveying such a powerful message.
A great buildup, I love how the story sheds the opaque articles of clothing as it goes along, revealing the full situation and the sudden ending. Thank you.
leonella rendon
period 6
great job! very detailed your a gifted writer keep it up!
I like how in the beginning it made me think that this was going to be a simple, happy-go-lucky story about summer then when the topic of loss was introduced, it got me on the edge of my seat, making me wonder what has happened to the speaker the past summer. Great story!!! -Altierre Paris
September 16, 2014 at 7:52
Bethany Stitt
This is a great piece, very well written. You really could feel the sisters guilt. Great Job!
this story is awesome! I thought this was gonna be a happy story and then, the ending came. Awesome job
-Cassandra Arroyo
P4
I really liked this story. The ending caught me off guard and surprised me. I liked the use of imagery at the beginning to create a positive tone and how it contrasts with the more negative ending. I also liked how as more details were added the story took on a darker tone and gave an understanding to what the girl was going through.
Wow. I definitely see that ending coming at all. I really loved how you used ambiguity as a tool throughout the story. I was genuinely upset when the story ended because I found my self anxious to know what exactly happened to Micah, what happened when the sisters skipped school, and whether or not Micah is alive or held hostage by her kidnapper. Great piece, I enjoyed reading it.
- Nita Bhojwani (period 5)
This piece made my arm hairs stand! The fact that you use summer, a time everyone looks forward to and is a time of having fun, to contrast how the sister actually felt. The twist at the end of the story honestly made me feel for the mother who has now lost two children. The last element I liked was that you kept the readers curious if the sister that was kidnapped was still alive. Honestly I enjoyed this piece. Great job!
I really enjoy stories like this so it was very intriguing for me and I really like how she was dealing with internal and external conflict which made the story different. - Aliza
This was definitely jarring for me and made me question why this was happening to another person. The end especially made me wonder because literally the breeze can't affect the body but figuratively it can allow you to do thing that you could not do otherwise. Very powerful message. Thank you!
- Frederick Sagoe
This was and amazing yet heart breaking story. In the story you could feel the pain the twin sister was going through. The great use of details made this story amazing! I was not expecting the sad ending but it really made the story go along. Great piece of writing!!
-Shayan Khan (Period 6)
Sentence after sentence, grief and despair built upon one another synthesizing this sorrowful aura so strong it portrays out unto the reader. This incredible piece, although it brought me heart ache, utilizes the correct vocabulary with the correct or most appropriate connotation to it, bring out this awesome piece.
I like the way you were very descriptive in the beginning paragraph. I also like how much emotion was put into this story. The ending was a dramatic turn in the story. Very well written.
-Luis Toro (period 6)
I really enjoyed your story. The way the narrator shared and expressed herself in the story about the death of Micah. The drastic transition from a good summer to a tragic one was a really good change up and a twist to the story. I hope to read more from you.
ur story was awesome i loved the twist towards the end it gave it that dark side
I liked how the story was talking about the nature and how the sky were so blue and the clouds but it gave a big plot twist at the end but I enjoyed your story.
-angel Gonzalez
Period 2
This really made me think. This is extremely well written and it puts the reader in the speakers shoes just for a second. The reader feels the burden of the speaker. This was a moving piece. Great job!!
I loved the descriptive detail! I also liked how the story started off with a happy vibe then it faded into a much darker one. You are a very great writer!
-Jobelle Dauz Period 2
I love your introduction to the story, great use of imagery. Your story progressed very well as the storyline built. It caused me to feel relaxed, then sorrow, then confusion with the mention of the kidnapper. I love this story, very interesting and moving.
-Haylie D
Ebohni Smith
Period 4
From the moment I started reading this piece I was completely immersed in the scenery. Your imagery is impeccable and I really appreciate your development of the nature surrounding. Amazing piece.
This piece was very interesting it had me hooked on reading it because I was wondering why she hated summer. Very good first paragraph it definitely wanted to make me read the whole thing. I like how you described the parents and how they acted after her twin sister dying it was really good imagery. I could really see it. I also like how it wasn't to long because it wasn't a drag it was very interesting and straight forward. Very interesting and I enjoyed reading it!
While reading this I just wanted to find out more and more about what happens. The way you changed the tone of the writing helped create a more meaning impact to the story. We begin feeling good while the speaker tells us about the good things about summer in a positive tone but then it turns into a serious and negative tone when the speaker talks about the death of her sister. Then i enjoyed how you ended the last paragraph with her stating " If she returns will my lie begin to unravel? " because it made me think what really occurred that day that the speaker and her sister argued.
I really enjoyed your piece. It really caught my attention and made me want to keep reading. I loved your use of imagery describing this innocence of the sky but in the end some kids lose there innocence much quicker. Your diction is very descriptive about the girls struggles of coping with her horrible experiences of losing her sister and this cloud of guilt that drives her to do the unthinkable. Great job! I really enjoyed getting to read your piece.
Alyssa A.
period 5
I really liked ur story because at the beginning of the story I thought its gonna be about a perfect life but when u said that the you are not that kind of person, the story made me want to read more and more. and i like it how the story just turned in to a dark and depressed story. -WILLIAM B.
-PERIOD 5
I really enjoyed this story because there was a sudden shift in tone throughout the piece. I feel as if it talks first about how how perfect her life was, but then suddenly talks about how the sibling died. Most people can relate to this as many people blame themselves for the tragedy of others. Great job!
Melany M. Period 1
This was a very powerful piece. I felt every ounce of emotion that was poured into this piece. You are an incredible writer!! I love the twist. I love how it starts out all peaceful and innocent, making us all feel the warmness of the summer. Then you take a turn and say why you didn't enjoy yours. I loved it it was amazing!!
This story was amazing!!! When she\he said that they knew how to solve it I thought they were going to go look for her sister not commit suicide. so at the end this story was a twister
Period 1
Clarissa Rojas
Wow, I swear I almost cried when reading this story! It was extremely powerful and touching. Your vivid description really added emphasis to the story you were trying to tell. The last line, "Then I slowly let the breeze push me off the ledge", is what really tied the whole story together and gave more suspense as to what happens next.
Great Job!
This piece was extremely powerful. I love how you compared summer to being something we all look for but for you it was the complete opposite. It was moving and had my interest from beginning to the end. Wonderful piece I hope to read more from you!
-Leah H.
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