There was a couple who just got
married and they were looking to move into a house. They had their hopes set to
move into one particular neighborhood but the houses were too expensive. The
couple were about to move into an apartment instead of a house but they found a
cheap house in the neighborhood of their dreams so they bought the house right
away. While moving in the couple didn’t see anything suspicious beside the
black crayon that the husband found periodically. He decided to keep it a
secret so that he didn’t sound crazy to his wife. He didn’t see the crayon for
a week so he discarded ever seeing the crayon at all. One day while coming home
from work he saw it again. The husband decided to tell his wife about it. When
he told her about the crayon her face grew pale. The wife told her husband that
every day since they moved in, she always found a black crayon in the same
spot, at the end of the hallway. While hearing what happened the husband
decides to inspect the end of the hallway. While inspecting he found a wall
that looked a little odd so he decided to peel the wallpaper off. When all the
wallpaper was off he found a little door boarded up. Curious, the husband
decided to try and open the door. His wife was very concerned. She told him,
“don’t open it, it was boarded up for a reason“, but he didn’t listen.
When he
opened the door a gust of cold air rushed out and the husband thought he heard,
“Get out,” but he quickly brushed it off. The room was very dark and cold which
was a bit peculiar because it was the middle of summer and there was no air
conditioner in the room. Once the husband was inside, his wife quickly rushed
to his side. They were trying to look for a light switch but couldn’t find it.
When they finally found the light switch, the wife turned it on. What they find
would scare them for the rest of their lives. They found words written on the
walls in black crayon and the words looked like they were written by a child,
“mommy, I’m sorry, let me out.” “Mommy, he’s watching, let me out.” “He’s
closer; I know it, let me out.” “MO….” The fourth sentence was cut off and
there was a black line going from the “o” to the floor and in the corner
written in red writing it simply said, “Your next”.
80 comments:
Hey Cassandra!
WOAH!!! I totally did not expect the end of your story, at all. That really did have me freaking out for a cool minute. I really liked your build up to that point as well. I have never been relatively afraid of a black crayon until I read your story. But, great job (:
awesome!!!!!! I didnt excepet the ending great job! -deja
Wow this was somewhat like the Conjuring aha I really enjoyed reading in.(:
-Vymian San
This was a great spine tingling piece. The build up was great. I feel like I kind of knew what was coming but I kept reading anyway. If I ever see a black crayon in my hallway I'll remember this story with a chill.
- Pierce Bryant
I right away knew that this would be a great creepy story and it totally was!! I loved the suspense that crept up behind me, about what the writing would say and I completely got the shivers.
- Sarah Skibby period. 6
Wow Cassy, you are a really good writer! The plot was written in a way that gave you that "something bad is about to happen" feeling that was perfect for this story. i really enjoyed reading this story but next time i think it would be even better if there was more detail on the couple, like who they were and why they are buying a house. but besides that it is a good piece of literature. :)
-Mariah Rhodes
Wow. Black is my favorite color, but after reading this...not so sure anymore. Just a tiny bit of punctuation and grammar mistakes, but that can easily be ignored (sorry, I'm a huge grammar correcter). I enjoyed reading this, despite my loathe of the horror genre. Great work!
-Cristina Sanchez
Wow! That was a crazy end! It really made you think and left a lot to your imagination to explain some of the loose holes. For example, Why did the mother leave her son in the room to his doom? Why did the boy write the message on the wall rather than scream out for help? Who was the man and why did he want to inflict harm on the child? Anyways, it was a really amazing story, pushing me to think a bit more than normally. LOVED IT!!!
-Eva Badal
Christian Black Period 1
September 8 2014
I loved it, the suspense was killing me. I was like "oh man any minute now something is going to jump out at them". your sense of imagery in this piece is fantastic it was like I was in the movie theaters watching something like the horror movie "MAMA". Great job.
That was really good but it gave me the chills and Im literally crying rn!
The ending of the story really freaked me out. Most readers know that opening a boarded up door isn't a good idea, but the ending of the story really threw me off. I was caught off guard and had goosebumps right after.
This was one of the scariest story I have read. I have never thought I would be scared of a black crayon. This was a great story.
Woww! I really enjoyed this piece alot! It sort of reminded me of the movie, Caroline, because of the door entrance, though in her case she entered an altered life, but your piece was soo intriguing! I liked how you used diction to convey darkness and suspense! I think this piece was well developed, goood job!
that story gave me the chill ! good job i loved the curiosity of the story
That was amazing. It was kind of like a scary movie because the wife said don’t go in there but he goes in there anyways. Nice job.
-Mia Tolliver
Daniel Jackson period 2
September 14, 2014
This story is AMAZING. It gives an awesome sense of mystery, and is by far my favorite of the three I read. My favorite part is at the end where they read the sign saying "your next." I almost feel like reading it again!
This story is crazy scary. It kind of reminded me of the movie Sinister, about this family moving in into a new house and they find a box of videos that show what happened to the people who lived in the house before. It is really ironic how the husband heard "get out" but still goes into the door, which helps create more suspense.
Man! I got the chills! The last line creeped me out! The forshawdoing technique you used really made the story come to life!
-Josie Starr
period 2
Jack Myers
Period: 1
This story had a lot of good things going for it. You created good suspense leading up to the final moment. Additionally, the final moment after they open the door was very vivid and haunting because of your word choice, specifically what was written on the wall. What I wish I could have seen more of was imagery, but I think the ending made up for that. Great job.
Hallie Deeds
Period: 4
Wow that was a great story. It kept me on my feet the whole time. I really enjoyed reading your story once I started reading it I didn't want it to end. You have a great story but if you work on your hooks it will make it even better good job!
Isabelle Huynh
Per. 1
Awesome! As someone who doesn't partake in the horror genre very often, I found this piece to be a breath of fresh air. The ominous tone held the suspense of the story right until the very end. Loved the cold and dark imagery you had in there. Great job!
Really good, I love scary stories and this was just pure amazement. I liked the ending, it kept u on the edge of your seat thinking whats going to happen next. Keep it up.
Kaleha Spencer
Period:4
Great story, I always enjoy reading a scary story/thriller. It's not easy writing a short story, especially one this interesting. I really enjoyed ending as well, I was not expecting that. A friendly critique I have would be to watch your spelling and grammar. Other than that it was an awesome story! :D
Marian Hollinquest
Period 1
This is awesome. I am a huge fan of horror. The written fear exceeds so much of what is seen. Your built on the suspense when the couple were inside the boarded room so effectively I actually felt more fear than I would have from watching a horror movie.
That's freaking awesome.
Wow! I really liked this story. I enjoyed how you used foreshadowing and you were descriptive! i could not stop reading it!! Good Job.
- Lucca Kayahara
Noah Martinez
Period:2
This story was great it really kept you interested for the whole time. The details were very specific. So great job!
This is a great story. I had the chills just after reading it! It was very descriptive as well which added more to it being great.
- Anthony Chao, Period 6
Tommy McDonnell
Period 2
Great story! It reminded me of the movie Paranormal Activity. The suspense was driving me crazy. I was imagining it happening in my own hallway. Great way of describing what was going on with great depth of detail!
I really enjoyed this story ! However maybe next time a hook would make the story even more better than it already is! The story had me with chills! (imalla ramirez , period 6 )
Tedman Nguyen
Period: 1
Very haunting story. Great development from the husband; how he always saw the black crayon continuously to the point where he had to tell his wife. Ironic in a way that his wife was having the same issue with the black crayon. The suspense built up when the husband peeled the wallpaper and him and his wife entered the room had me at the edge of my seat. The child's writing gave me shivers as if the house was cursed, and when the story ended with "your next" I completely lost it. Would totally use this for a campfire story haha, good job! :)
WOAH! Crazy stuff. It's a scary story. You should pursue a career as a writer!
You definitely have a good start to the story. The black crayon is great object to use, since I knew something bad was going to happen.The black implies darkness and fear, while the crayon implies a child. And we all know scary children is something that should be avoided at all times. However, your transitions between each sentence are a little choppy, which made he story seem shorter than it actually was. If some transitions are added, I'm sure you can build up the suspense even more!
Not gonna lie, I was definitely creaped out and scared for my life while reading this late at night in my room all alone! However, I loved it! It was very intriguing and kept me guessing as to what was going to happen next. It had a great ending too, that I did not expect. I liked that the imagery was very vivid and easy to imagine, like a scary movie. The only thing I would recommend is that you open your story with a better hook, maybe something about the people that lived there before them or the tale of the rumored black crayon. Overall, your piece was really interesting! Great job!
- Sophia Bobadilla P.1
i really liked the story it had me wondering the whole time. i really enjoyed the end when it said your next..... it had me thinking. keep writing
------alissa delcastillo
Destiny Rodriguez
Period: 6
Your story was amazing! I loved how you used alot of details,It was creepy and scary. Great Job :)
I really enjoyed your writing. I love how i kept me in suspense and interested the entire way through the reading. The fact that you turned a simple black crayon into an entire story that has so much meaning to it is incredible. I also liked how the end of the story kept me wondering what would happen next. Extremely intriguing! -Nate Shepard
Your story is really good and you explained a lot of details with a black crayon.
At the end of the story is very creepy and mysterious. You did an extraordinary job
With your story. Great job!!
-Daisy Fuentes
Per. 2
I really liked that story! It's a really good story for a horror movie! I wish there was more to the story though! Great job!
This excellent piece of writing gave me the chills!! Especially at the ending. i also loved the suspense about the crayon and how you made the story flow. :)
Simran Bajwa
Period 1
Woah! This story sent chills down my spine, and now I'm deathly afraid to go down my hallway. But anyways, the use of imagery and suspense keeps the reader hooked on to your story. What started off as a simple story, ended in horror. I saw foreshadowing in the beginning of the story, and I was anticipating after every sentence what would happen next and why is the black crayon significant? Overall, this story is effective in the sense of sending chills and horror down the reader's spine. You did a great job! :)
Wow that was such a great story, the suspense at the end really helped create a kinda scary mood, I've always been a fan of scary stories and that was such a good story. Your imagery that you used to describe the room was just great and really helped bring a dark and scary mood
-Daniel Alaniz
Period 4
This story had some suspense leading into it that made it a great short horror story and I found it enjoyable. Keep this up and maybe you can have a collection of this.
-Joey Roest
Oh goodness! This piece was very thrilling and suspenseful. I love the irony of when the wife has also been seeing the same black crayon as well. The suspense and intensity built up especially when the husband ripped out the wallpaper and the message on the wall gave me the most chills. It was amazing!
- Grace Panjaitan
period 4
This story brought me back to the preteen times in where I was interested in everything horror, and you my friend, have brought the thrill back! This story was well written with your imagery and tones as the story lurked into its final conclusion. I would love to read and respond to another story following into what happened to the couple. Oh boy do I love cliff hangers, and yours was well written indeed. I am dying (get it?) to read more of your work!
Keep Writing,
Jaena Fabia
Period 4
UGH I HATE SCARY STORIES. You lured me in with the first three lines but then I knew it was all going downhill when they bought the cheap house but I couldn't stop because it was so well-written. I thought the tone was really on point with being suspicious and paranoid. It really left room for the imagination. The last part scared the mess out of me but I couldn't help but giggle cause it was supposed to be "you're". Overall, thanks for the sleep deprivation.
Damairis Lao. Period 1
I absolutely loved this piece because it reminded me of the Scary Stories books I read as a child. I have always been a big horror fan and the way you ended the story with a cliff hanger left me wanting more. You did a great job using imagery to create a detailed scene which made me feel so fearful for the couple. I would love to hear more about the story and meaning behind the black crayon. It was a very entertaining yet chilling piece to read and I was on the edge of my seat the entire time. Overall great job!
Idalys Martinez
Period 1
This story definitely could be a plot for a scary movie! I love how you were very descriptive and used imagery to explain what was going on. I would recommend maybe having more of an attention grabber at the beginning, but I love how you ended it with a cliff hanger! Also, I loved how you titled it "The Black Crayon" to emphasize the importance of the crayon when it came into the storyline. Great job!
Amazing, these are the story's that always catches my eyes . I enjoyed how it was a thriller and ended in a ''cliff hanger'' wondering what is going to happen to the couple
Valerie Perez
Period 6
This gave me shivers! Who doesn't like a short horror story? Greatly written and very well though out. Leads you to think... Does someone else see the things in the same light as you? hmmm... Keep up the good work, you have a true talent!
leonella rendon
period 6
the curiosity of this story made me want to keep reading. i didnt want your story to end! great piece of work
My heart is actually racing, I had no idea that this would end up being the beginnings of a great horror story/film. I like how you began with picturesque imagery; the newly wedded couple, the obvious freshness of their love, their excitement at finding the house in their ideal neighborhood, etc. I like you you transitioned from this happy image into a sinister one by incorporating mystery into your story. I was left wondering, what is the significance of the black crayon? Why a crayon? Will the mystery of the crayon be solved? I paused and contemplated the possible answers to these questions, and continued reading. Once the woman's face turned pale at the reference to the crayon, I knew something sinister was going on. Although I am absolutely terrified of horror stories, I had to continue reading simply because each sentence was like a piece to a puzzle, slowly forming a conclusive image of terror. Great use of suspense!
P4
This is a great story. I like how the suspense builds up and leads to the haunting ending. The imagery was very effective and I felt myself getting into the story and feeling a little scared at one point. I liked the mystery that came with the crayon and messages on the wall, making me wonder who the child is and why he or she is there.
September 16, 2014 at 8:13
Bethany Stit
Wow Cassandra, that was a great piece it was very suspenseful. I was on the edge of my seat. Keep up the great work!
Cassandra, this story was really suspenseful and dark and i loved it. The black crayon was a great little horror story that enraptured until the very end, " Your next!" Your use of imagery in this was great i could actually imagine what that room looked like and the writing on the wall. I also like how you left it open to interpretation who is this little boy or girl and what happened did the family leave? This was great you are a very good writer and it would be awesome to read part two of this story!!
Goosebumps are literally piercing through my skin. I congratulate on the fact that you were able to create such an original story line and you were able to perfectly end this story with a hardcore ending. The method in which you start off your story with the usual happy couple moving into their new house together then, bringing this mysterious yet captivating twist really added to the suspense. AMAZZZING.
DUDE! I'm completely freaking out right now. This story gave me the chills and I like how you threw a little plot twist in there so it made it really good. - Aliza
Your story was amazing I got goosebumps. I love the way you use details to make your readers feel as if they are there watching it happen. I am really interested in reading more by you because you are very talented .elianna Gonzalez
Wow your story was very great and thrilling! Your beginning really worked well with the ending because the house was such a low price. This story would also work very well in a movie. Amazing job on the story! By the way I'm so curious on what happens next!
-Shayan Khan (Period 6)
This was such a great story to read I couldn't take my eyes off it! It definitely creeped me out a bit and gave me goosebumps! I totally did not expect that ending whatsoever. At first I was a little confused because of the crayon which helped me imagine what it was like for the characters as well. You used such great imagery I felt like I was in the story as well. This was absolutely amazing great job! Definitely kept me on my toes!
-Caitlin Nguyen
i liked all the suspense in the story also i like how u used the imagry in the stroy and last but not least i like the irony of his wife
Wow that gave me the chills!! Right when it said "your next" I thought in my head oh heck no I would run straight for the door but I liked how you used the theme of horror.
-angel Gonzalez
Period 2
Great story i would of never though a black crayon would make me scared but it sure did!!! It was also very suspenseful when the mom opened the secret door. Keep up the good work.
by Jesse Jauregui
I like how this story has some suspense at the end. It made me feel like you were feeling the emotion that they were feeling in the story. I like this story a lot because its a scary story.
-Luis Toro (period 6)
I appreciate your choice to create a suspenseful story. I thought the storyline was imaginative and very interesting. I wish we were given more detail about the characters but overall it was good.
Woah! This sounds like something straight out of paranormal activity! I like how you had the suspense build up until they reached the room. The way that the crayon stopped appearing for the husband was smart because it allowed him to dismiss then idea. That was pretty scary. Great job!
I really enjoyed this story, I loved the plot and the imagery and details used to develop the sequence of events. However, a few of the sentences in the beginning sound a bit redundant to me and theres a few grammatical and spelling errors throughout the story. These mistakes are relatively easy to fix. Overall the elements utilized to develop the subject matter worked well together.
-Diana Padilla period 1
Philip Ahn
4th
Omg! This freaked me out, but in a good way :D. Haha I loved your use of imagery in your piece. But that ending was so clever great job on that!!
I love reading stories like this one. Your choice not to name any of the characters included in the story was interesting. By choosing to only to refer to them as "the husband" or "the wife" you have made them expendable. This alone is terrifying. I think it's a great piece.
-Adan C.
If you're intention was to scare me but also love every part of suspense within this story, it worked! To be honest, I was not up to finishing the story but because of your intense use of imagery and the unknown I just had to continue reading! I could picture everything going on in your story and it was quite entertaining. Way to go Cassandra!
-Jamie Alarcon P.5
I love this piece so much! Completely gave me head to toe chills. I loved the ending, it tied the story together perfectly. You are a great writer and sure do know how to keep the audience's attention!
-Haylie D.
Ebohni Smith
Period 4
The use of imagery in your flash fiction painted, or colored, a perfect picture of what paranormal activity that occurred right in front of the couple in their own home. The mysterious reappearance of the black crayon created a sense of mischief in the home and had me on the edge of my seat as the suspense gradually built up. Great work.
Umm.....I most definitely will not be buying crayons anymore. This is really scary, I don not know if it is just me, but I have chills right now. I feel really sorry for that married couple because they bought the house of their dreams in their dream neighborhood. everything was perfect ideal, until, that crayon came along. The story was so happy and bright until the black crayon, that is when everything went bad. The use of visual details helps us feel what the couple is feeling. When you think of crayon you think of child and playing, very innocent and pure, while on the other hand when you think of black, you think of darkness and destruction and evil. These two contradict each other and using them together creates a sinister mood even from the beginning of story with the title.
Kayla Fulton
Period 1
Okay this piece creeped me out! It had me thinking what the heck is up with this black crayon and why a black crayon? Very good job I enjoyed reading this because I really enjoy scary child's. I like how you transitioned from like happy and positive to scary and kind of crazy. It really makes the story interesting the way you transitioned it the way you did. And when I think of crayons I think of children so I like how you used a crayon because the crayon symbolizes a child and it looked like a child's writing you said in the story. Great use of symbolism and really great use of suspense it left me thinking where or what des this black crayon have to do with this story? I also really liked how you started it in the beginning because i had no idea it was going to be like a scary story! Great job! I really enjoyed reading this!
Cassandra,
I admire your use of imagery! I related the black crayon to something dark and eerie when I read the title and I think its cool that it was a representation of the darkness that was to come. Very nice twist to something so innocent like a crayon. Good job!
Leasia Spicer
Period 4
i like ur story because at the beginning it sounds like a normal couple that is just living a normal life but it turns out to be a really scary and creepy story. it gave me some chills. and i like the way u explained how the words were written on the wall and the way u explained how it felt when the husband opend the door.
william bema
period 2
WOW that gave me chills, I get pretty scared with scary stories. I thought it was going to be about a couple moving in and having a child but this twist is so much better. I really like this story and maybe to improve on it you could add more descriptive words to give everyone a more vivid description of something like the room.
Margaret Moyer
P.5
I found the concept of utilizing a useless and insignificant object to portray extremely suspenseful significance very interesting. The fact that there was no context as to why that had been occurring gave the story suspense. You did a very good job in terms of originality! Although, there was no absolute ending to the plot and there were many grammatical errors. If you had utilized commas to add some pace to the story, I feel that it would have improved it much more. Overall, splendid job.
-Thuy Cao
Great story! You accomplished so much with such limited words and I admire that. Your use of imagery was impeccable. I never would have guessed the ending and that's what makes it so great and unique. Keep writing!
-Leah H.
Such a good story! It creeped me out a bit. I liked how it was a bit of a cliff hanger and left me asking, "What happened next?" I also loved how more and more suspense grew throughout the story. - Tatiana Nunez Per. 6
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