Find the shape and tell it!
Friday, September 30, 2016
"The Crack of Night" by Jose M
We do this every single day, the same routine over and over again. I am getting fairly
tired of it because neither of us say how we feel. I wish I could just tell her that I love her and
that “work” is just an excuse for me to leave because when I stay too long I feel like I become a
burden to her. I know what I am doing is wrong but I sincerely can’t help it. I can’t lose her. I
won’t lose her. I do go to work everyday, but not as long as she thinks I do. I lie to her so much
and it kills me inside, I promise it does. I don’t know why I do this to myself, every time I leave
it just hurts me. People say that love is a disease and I agree, because there is no physical pain
that can hurt as much as it does when I leave for “work” every morning. I feel bad for doing this
to her, she doesn’t deserve it, but then again I also blame her for it. She stole my heart, ripped it
right out of my aching chest, and she doesn’t even care… Or know for that matter. I blame her
because she doesn’t tell me how she feels, I need to know but I can’t ask, or even worse I can’t
tell her how I feel. Could you imagine if I got rejected? I’d ruin the best thing in my life right
now. If she loved me she’d tell me right? Yeah, of course she would. I mean who could bottle up
their feelings for this long, well besides me. I hope she loves me, but I also hope she doesn’t, I
am incredibly conflicted. I don’t want to hurt her, but I know that if she loves me then every time
I go to “work” it breaks her heart too. She doesn’t love me. She can’t love me. I can’t love her. I
already do, but I can’t. This is all so wrong. I’m married and I have been for 12 years, but I don’t
love my wife anymore. My love for her faded years ago, I would’ve divorced her too if it went
for her meddling kids. They’re not mine, I mean legally they are, but definitely not biologically. I
don’t feel bad for them, because they don’t love me, but my wife does. So when I leave for
“work” it’s to see my family and actually be a decent father and cheating husband. My God I
love her so much. I know this is wrong. I know I shouldn’t love her, and I know she shouldn’t
love me. But if she does, if she loves me, I’ll leave them. She’s worth it. I wouldn’t be able to
live with myself if she ever found out. I can’t go back to how everything was, and honestly I
don’t want to go back. She’s the love of my life, and I can’t bear not knowing how she feels.
This daily routine is killing me. We wake up, I go to “work” and leave her, come back at night,
make love, and repeat. This cycle is never ending. I love the night because it’s with her, but hate
the light because I miss her. I don’t know what to do. What can I do? I want to stay with her, I
want to stop her one night and just confess my love for her. I can’t do anything but wait. I have
to wait for her to tell me how she really feels. But until then, I’ll keep loving her and be with her
at the crack of night, until the break of day.
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57 comments:
When I first read, "The Break of Day," I had since then been curious about how the man's perspective would have been. I guess you also had the same thought because you wrote a very well piece on the guy's perspective, which I may say is a completely different view than what I had expected. I found it very interesting how you also portrayed the man as a victim of love because in most stories, women are usually the ones who go through the heartbreak. I really enjoyed reading this piece because of the guy's perspective, it doesn't necessarily change the story but adds more color to the original story.
This was a very interesting read. I liked the fact that you brought back "The Break of Day" and made a clever choice of writing it from a man's perspective. You gave a chance for the man to reveal his side of the story since the poem was mainly focused on the woman's point of view. As I was reading this, I was able to put myself in the man's shoes and feel his emotions as he was reflecting on his life and analyzing the decisions he has made throughout his love life. Your syntax, specifically the super short sentences in a row such as "She doesn’t love me. She can’t love me. I can’t love her.", was very effective in conveying the man's thoughts and feelings. Overall, I enjoyed reading this and you did a great job!
This piece was very intriguing, and took a twist on how stories like this are usually told. The mix of sentences of different lengths effectively mimic how a person actually thinks, making this piece seemingly more realistic. I like how you compare the man's life as an endless cycle, showing how hard it is to escape what he's doing despite knowing that all he does is wrong. All the small details you included made a good story.
I know I'm not in your class, but I really enjoyed what you wrote. Every word grabbed my attention more and more. The passion you used really affected me emotionally. You are VERY talented. Great job Jose, stay awesome.
Incredible narrative, I was so drawn in with the intro and completely thrown off with the shifts throughout. The back and forth thinking and circular reasoning gave a different feeling to the reader, since the story was not a straight thought throughout. It's an incredibly personal piece that seems as if it's an innocent thought process as the speaker goes back and forth about deciding his love for his wife.
Your choice of syntax and the way you started it off helped me to be hooked into the personal conflicts of the man and for a moment I almost thought I was living through the man's experiences himself. I really like the vivid descriptions about the man's struggle to find a balance and his conflict regarding his contempt for his family, I find it sad that this can be so easily applied to reality, finding a balance in this life is truly a hard task.
This was such a great story! You used first person point-of-view very well showing what was going through the man's head quite clearly. It was really interesting how you structured the story and did not say what his 'work' was until the end, piecing together little parts throughout the story. The whole story was definitely an attention grabber and very passionate. Great job!
-Brianna Killion
This story was a very interesting one! I wanted to keep reading, your details were very descriptive i felt as if this story was really happening. Your details were very specific I was able to see clearly what that man was thinking about and how confused and troubled he was. The best part of the whole story is how you left his "work" anonymous until the very end. This story was definitely a great one! great job.
-Kaaria Belcher
I am surprised by how well this alternate perspective of "Break Of Day" was written. You were able to include all the important elements to the original poem, but in a perspective of a man. Your use of sentence structure, diction and syntax made your story all the more exciting to read. Well done!
I found this story very compelling but twisted at the same time. Love is an idea that is enticing to many but also can be the most painful thing you could ever experience. Your usage of descriptive details really allows for readers to experience the internal conflict that the subject is going through as well. -Solina Khou
From the first sentence I thought you were going to write about how we always do the same thing every day and its unfulfilling or something along those lines but your story about how love controls even men threw me off. I can honestly say that I could not stop reading and this story really interested me. The contradictions the character went through, battling with himself about how he should act and how he should feel, intrigued me and revealed the true, and nasty, components of love. It really grabbed my attention, good job.
You have really put a new perspective on the makings of an affair. People never really focus on the one who is having an affair. You have really shown the internal conflict that particular person is having in this affair and how powerful love can actually be. Great piece! I couldn't tear my eyes away for a second.
There was never a dull moment as I read this piece. You used syntax in a good place, your sentence structure was short which helped me feel as if I was a part of the speaker's thoughts and decisions. I was confused at first every time he mentioned worked because I was curious as to why he would lie about being there longer and cheating had not come across my mind. In all honesty, my mouth slightly opened in shock as I caught on to what the speaker seemed so anxious about, good job!
This piece was very interesting. The syntax used made it easier to pull in the reader to the story. Syntax combined with the conflicted feeling the narrator has, made it all the more interesting. Once I started reading, I couldn't stop.
I loved this story, and the exaggeration of the feeling throughout it. You explained how he felt so well, I feel as if I can understand the feelings of betrayal myself. Also, I enjoy how you created the guy the victim of love instead of the usual as it being the girl.
This flash fiction was too real! Your vivid descriptions about how it pains you to go to "work" every was so good that it was almost as if I could feel the main character's pain and remorse. Loved the story. You did great, man.
This piece was very intriguing. It was nice to have the mans perspective of this situation. The use of the short, contradicting sentences easily drew the reader in. The syntax made it seem as though we were in your head. I also loved the contradicting thoughts that the speaker had. They way he said he couldn't leave her, yet woke up every morning and left her. I really enjoyed reading this piece Jose.
I really liked this piece, its very contradicting in how the man feels but I liked the twisted description of love that you wrote about. Even though I might not agree with the male character for his decisions and how he feels about the women, I still very much enjoyed your writing. Thanks Jose!
I really liked this piece, its very contradicting in how the man feels but I liked the twisted description of love that you wrote about. Even though I might not agree with the male character for his decisions and how he feels about the women, I still very much enjoyed your writing. Thanks Jose!
This was a very interesting piece. The syntax and sentence structure made for an interesting perspective and point of view. I especially enjoyed that it was like we were reading into the readers thoughts.
I honestly enjoyed this piece of writing. It really dragged me in to read more to see what will happen next in your story, very conflicting of the character, the choice between right or wrong. I liked how you used metonymy of the title "The Crack Of Night", meaning how its not really "crack" of night. I enjoyed your choice of diction for your writing in which it fitted perfectly to help with the tone you're giving off. Good job Jose.
I thoroughly enjoyed this piece because of the way you wrote it and the constant self-conflict this man faces. I'm surprised that this piece was written because it deals with such a mature subject, but it was well written and definitely stands out. I liked how you referred to the kids as "meddling" because it helped give a bit of lightheartedness to this very complex piece. Your writing style is unique because it feels like an actual conversation. Good job!
This story caught my by surprise and really hooked me into reading, more so as I read on. The feeling of complete indecisiveness and being lost like the man was with the two women in his life. It really makes me think about our priorities in life, and where we really want our future to go, like in this story, do we stay with what we thought we wanted and have, or move onto something potentially better, possibly the best decision. But, in this story, the whole situation is so bitter and dark, he wants what he can’t have and may be hurting other people for his actions. This story was very well written, and i’m glad I got to enjoy it.
While reading this piece I could feel it getting more and more intense. The syntax and use of first person drew me in deeper into the story and I truly enjoyed reading it. I love how throughout the piece more questions were answered until the very end the reason for the title was revealed. Very well written, good job! It made me want to hear the alternative viewpoint of the story from the woman's perspective.
This story is very interesting. It made me feel the speakers confusion and how repetitive his life is although his mind is racing with all these thoughts. Your sentence structure is absolutely perfect for the issues he faces. His mind is weighing the pros and cons of this women in his life and the way that you wrote this makes me really feel the point being presented.
I really loved this story! It took me in so many directions. At first I thought school because you said "same old routine" and that is how I feel about school. Then I thought you were talking about your relationship but then you said the married part and I realized it was a story. It was great!
I really loved this story! It took me in so many directions. At first I thought school because you said "same old routine" and that is how I feel about school. Then I thought you were talking about your relationship but then you said the married part and I realized it was a story. It was great!
This story was really engaging and sentimental. I liked that as the speaker is talking about his conflicting feelings I was starting to get confused about his feelings as well. Even though his emotions were all tangled up, I could relate to that kind of feeling since I went through a phase in my childhood. The ending was really good that the speaker stated his resolve to stay with the woman he loves.
"The Crack of Dawn" was a wonderful piece, Jose. It really does say something about you as a writer to be able to write such a sophisticated piece on such a mature topic. Despite your maturity as a writer, I felt a sense of immaturity from the speaker when reading, which was very interesting to me. You're short sentence structure and elementary syntax adds to the melancholic tone of the piece. It was also very clever of you to write on the male's view on a relationship while many other writers do the opposite. Thanks for the great piece!
The way this story was written and told was very fun to read. The story was little vague, but that's what makes it so unique to the readers. When I was reading it I felt like I could create my own characters for the scenario, and that made it even more interesting to read. It was a very nice story and had nice twists and turns, nice job!
Interesting but good piece, from the clear comparison to "The Break of Day", to the twist to being the males perspective. it gives clear representation when depicting daily routines and overall experiences. Well done
You have a really great use of syntax throughout your writing to help set the overall tone of this piece. I also like the twist this piece has to it, from the beginning I wasn't expecting for you to lead into the whole "cheating father/ husband who was willing to give it all up for his mistress."
This was such a wonderful piece. I commend you for writing something so abstract. You did a great job in exploring the character's feelings on love in a situation that's meant for adults. I noticed that your personality really shined through in this piece when I read the allusion,"I would've divorced her too if it weren't for her meddling kids." Good job on this piece!
This piece is very intriguing since it is almost nearly the male perspective of "The Break of Day". You did a fabulous job of encompassing that role and portraying the male side of the story. The use of irony and rhetorical questions makes this piece very interesting and easy to read. Fantastic Job!
I love every detail that was described in this story. Everything seemed so realistic, I can just picture this whole storyline and it was a good ending that pulled it all together.
This piece was very well written and it captured the mood of the story very well. The indecisiveness of the man man between two women really sent a bigger message about life. The man's attitude reminded me of how we always want more than what we have and in the process we forget the value of the things we already have and end up loosing what we began with. Furthermore, your short sentence structure kept the story very engaging and almost like a roller coaster because of all the turns and twists the thoughts of the man take during the story.
This story made me feel as if i were in the shoes of that man, as if i had to decide on my future outcome. The diction and just the basic sentence structure doesn't give the reader a clear answer and that is why i loved it! You have us questioning till the very end on whether or not this new love is actually the one.
From the title I already had a feeling that your story was going to be something similar to the poem, "The Break of Day", but I was surprised (impressed actually) that you have created a piece that conveyed the perspective of the man in the poem. I really enjoyed the emotion-filled experience I had through every sentence, as if I was experiencing the frustration the speaker had in regards to their infidelity. And one more thing, you did a great job on creating/explaining the speaker and his character. It was very detailed and the audience got to know the character without the speaker explicitly describe himself..... you feel? Your story was most definitely engaging and I really liked it in all. Good job, J!
I really liked this story. I liked how it showed how conflicted someone can be when they're in love with someone but they're with somebody else. You did a really good job writing out and explaining the man's feelings. Good job.
Every word of this piece was so captivating! The reference to the poem from the man'a perspective was so eye-opening and abstract to explore and write about. I applaud you for this piece & keep up the excellent work!!
This story was very powerful and emotional. From how the sentences are worded to the phrasing and syntax, I could really feel the anguish and the pain of the speaker. The speaker's dilemma is also really heart wrenching and quite something that there is no "right" answer to. An all around great piece that really captured the feelings and tragedy of the situation and characters.
I enjoyed reading this situation from the man's perspective. The way you wrote this made me feel as though I was just as conflicted as the speaker is. I also like to hear the speaker be who the story is about, because it allows the reader into their thoughts and feel more of a connection between the two. Overall, this piece is strong, well-written, and intriguing.
I was really enveloped with the story because it was in a first person point of view of a man. At first I was wondering what the word "work" had meant because it was repeated so many times, but as the story developed I found out what it meant. The word "work" at first may seem that the man is really working and earning money for the family; however as the story progresses it reveals that "work" is the complicated feelings he has towards his lover, which is shown when the man says that he does not live his wife anymore and that he is cheating on her.
My Lord, there's so much here, I don't even know where to begin. I feel like the character was right in front of me telling me what was feeling.The amount of emotion was so intense, and I can appreciate the way you captivated the readers by using it.
The story had me hooked in from the first couple lines. It was really intriguing and I couldn't stop reading. Nice use of diction as I felt I was being told the story my someone in person. Very well written. Great job on this.
By interpreting “Break of Day” from a male perspective, you seemed to perfectly present what each reader has been so curious of. The alternative perspective was exceptionally narrated in a style similar to a series of thoughts, beginning with “I…” to expose the despondent emotions of the speaker. You wrote the story in such a way that evoked sympathy in the reader regarding man’s actions, almost understanding in his unethical actions. I applaud you for the immense amount of detail you put forth in writing the story, explaining each aspect of what the girl had experienced in “Break of Day”. It was admirable to see how you developed the simple character of a man going to work to an intriguing character with his own, unique story. The story itself was impressive, great job! - Marianne Siapno
This was a great spin-off from “Break of Day”. The story creatively presented a different perspective of the story, but with more significantly more detail. The speaker uses repetition to convey his thoughts in a dismal tone, while inducing a sense of justification for his actions of cheating on his wife. There was an amazing amount of emotion utilized in composing the story as his undeniable love for the woman generates hope for him to eventually break the routine and for him to finally attain happiness. The story was a perfect extension to “Break of Day” and was perfectly written with your own style. Great Job!
At first, I was quite confused at the beginning of the story. However, as I continued reading, the story began to mold with purpose. The way you wrote this story makes "Break of Day" much more understandable, especially since you described the story with great emotion through the perspective of the speaker, an individual who goes through an internal conflict between his morale and desire. Nicely done!
Wow, this piece had my mind reeling for a few moments. I wasn't even really sure what was taking place, but then everything slowly began to come together and it was great. I really liked you constant use of repetition to create emphasis such as how the speaker kept repeating how much he loved this girl. Your use of irony really added to this piece as well, overall it was really well done!
Well done on the syntax and structuring of this piece. This story was very interesting to say the least and I can say that I myself fear this burden of a cycle to happen to me, I'm sure everyone can say this. Good job touching the readers you definitely left your mark with this story.
I really enjoyed reading this piece because its a completely unique perspective. It's interesting to be able feel your struggle and follow the conflict that your fighting through and the turn of events in the middle when the reader finds out your married was quite a surprise. Your certainty about your uncertainty is what really makes the poem. Great piece overall, friend.
Your story is very vague in the beginning that intensifies my curiosity of what's going on. I love how slowly the first person point of view reveals why the character is so conflicted with how he morally knows his deeds are wrong but he still repeats them in the endless cycle of lies. I like how many times you emphasized "work" which at first wasn't with quotations then surprised me as a reader when it did until you explained what exactly work is. What an amazing work full of uncertainty about love.
I found that the point of view you decided to write the piece in, contributed greatly to how the reader perceives the entire situation. It created a different bias of course and made the reader understand, not just the woman's emotions from the original break of day,m but also the mans. Piece was very well written and you did a great job executing it.
A really amazing piece! I enjoyed the first person point of view and the narration. I really felt like I was the person in this writing who can relate. The ending of the piece was very surprising but in a good way and enjoyed every word.
Your piece overturned my expectations as I initially thought you were going to talk about the monotony of our daily routines and our habits, but your subject matter really brings in the reader by offering a differentiated perspective not traditionally offered in written works. Your short, rapid sentence structure helps significantly to convey the anxiety and emotional distress that could accompany such a situation. Overall your work is very well worded and embodying of modern forms of literature.
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