I was born in an
alley. I remember that I could barely hear, see, or smell, but I also remember
my mother as she cuddled me and my four siblings close to her. We were all
hungry, so I squirmed my way through my siblings, to make sure I got a chance
to eat too. It was so good! Soon, I could see the big, red and gray walls all
around me, as tall as the sky. I could hear strange sounds, and smell wonderful
smells. One time, I tried to find them, but stopped at the entrance when I saw
these tall things walking around. Suddenly my mother pulled me back, and told
us to never leave the alley. Those “people”, as she called them, were
dangerous, and we must stay in the alley. So we instead played with each other,
tumbling over each other and running around the alley. It was so much fun! And
when we were hungry, we would run to our mother, and we would drink our milk.
Though, as we got older, and the milk was no longer satisfying, our mother
began to leave us. She again instructed us not to leave the safety of the
alley, as the world was full of dangerous things. Sometimes she brought back delicious
new foods. Other times she brought back shiny things that tasted like food, but
weren’t food. We went hungry a lot. Then one day, mom didn’t come back.
We waited a long
time, crying out loudly for her over and over, hoping she would hear us and
come back, but she never came. Instead, a giant, shiny box rolled in front of
the alley. Scared, me and my siblings ran to hide behind the shiny bins and black
lumps. I saw two people get out of the
box, and walk toward us. One by one, they took my brothers and sisters into the
box, each of them crying for mom to save them. Finally, they took me as well.
They put us all in tiny little boxes in the big box, and we started moving. We
were so scared. We stopped moving, finally, and the people put each of us into
bigger boxes. They each had walls like the alley, but instead of a blue sky,
there was another wall. I cried out to my siblings, and they cried out to me.
That night, I was so lonely. I cried out for mom, but she didn’t come. The next
day, something strange happened. Two people, who were accompanied by a much
smaller person, went into one of the boxes, and took one of my brothers. I
called for him, but he was gone. The same thing happened over the next couple
of weeks, until I was the only one left. I cried out for anyone to be with me. I
was so sad. Then one day, a small person ran up to my box, and pointed at me.
That person became my best friend.
28 comments:
I enjoyed the different detailed imagery you used throughout the piece. I really felt as if I was reading a movie about an animal who I felt I connected to its stuggles and accompanied him through his journey. Great job David!
I like your use of comprehensive imagery and use of description. It reminded a moment when I went with my cousin to a adoption center and once I went inside; I heard a lot of whimpering. Every one of the animals there were probably sad or messing a specific other. The animals there could probably relate your your story deeply. In the end, my cousin adopted a puppy. It was adorable. but I felt kinda bad for it. Overall, great story, David. I enjoyed it!
I love how you personified the animal and attempted to describe how it felt in its own perspective. The imagery was very detailed and easy to imagine. Although I do like the shift in the animal's perspective on people in the end, I feel as if the ending was a bit abrupt. Other than that, you did a great job!
I enjoyed this piece thoughtfully because of how touching it was to me. I really like how you describe your mother and much you care for your siblings. Not only that, the fact that you described the detail and the sounds of your setting makes the story very interesting and appealing to read.
This piece was well planned out and i enjoyed the imagery that was apart of it. Also, what was interesting is when you were describing about an animals perspective and how they view things in the world. Great job on this!
I like how the story is kinda vague to make you see things the way the animals would. It's also easy to start reading and feel like you're right there experiencing everything with the pups. That connection made feeling sad for the dogs come pretty naturally in the middle, and happy for the lone puppy at the end. Nice work dude
Wow this was written very well. Not until half way through the first paragraph i realized you were talking about kittens and their mother. The use of imagery you used made it seem as if i was their in the alley observing what was happening. It is very sad to see animals go to animal shelters but when they get adopted it makes it all okay.
This is an amazing idea, telling the story from the animals perspective. its obvious that a lot of thought went into this story, and the imagery was really descriptive. I especially liked that when you described things, you described them in a way like you didn't know what they were. very fun to read.
Nathan Smith
Nathan Smith
I really liked way you portrayed the story through the baby animal's perspective. I especially loved how you use descriptive imagery to show how the baby animals were being separated. I also expected more complex sentence structure, but the majority that was used were compound and simple sentences to portray the story. I am really impressed of how you portrayed the story so effectively with the majority of the sentences being simple and compound. Great control of voice! Well done David!
I personally rescued an old pet of mind from the streets but I never thought about how they must have felt to be taken away from their family. The amount of detail and imagery you used painted a very clear picture in my head about how an animal must feel to be thrown in a completely new environment, alone and afraid. I felt as if I was on the same level as the animal, just as low in the world and they were when they were born and I also think this story is somewhat relatable in the aspect that you must always hope for a silver lining. Way to connect to the audience.
I really enjoyed how the perspective of the puppy was integrated in this piece. It shows the connection between the puppy and it's family as well as provide a sense of confusion and distress as the speakers family is separated. I also liked the last sentence because it shows that the puppy endured the loss of it's family but still found happiness in it's new family.
I appreciated how you personified the animal just because I am an animal lover myself. This was really heart warming to read and makes me miss my own pet, thank you for this you guys connection is what makes you guys best friends even if it's just a pet.
I enjoyed how you told this piece from a animal perspective. In the beginning, I did not know this piece was written from a animal perspective, so I was a little confused. As I continued reading, the piece started to make sense to me. Good Job!
This story was both sad and cute, I really liked it. At first I thought that it was about a human family living in the streets, but then I realized that a baby animal was telling the story. I liked the way you wrote the story through the eyes of an animal and how scary it can be to live in the streets. I felt so bad for the little animals when their mom didn't return but i liked that in the end the baby animal was adopted.
This story was both sad and cute, I really liked it. At first I thought that it was about a human family living in the streets, but then I realized that a baby animal was telling the story. I liked the way you wrote the story through the eyes of an animal and how scary it can be to live in the streets. I felt so bad for the little animals when their mom didn't return but i liked that in the end the baby animal was adopted.
The story started to get a little sad, but I'm glad it had a bittersweet ending. I like how descriptive the story was I immediately knew it was about animals without it even specifying. The perspective was interesting, and helped give the characters more emotion. The story was imaginative and creative it was a really fun read, great job!
It was really interesting to see things from an animals perspective. Most of the time, humans kind of just pass on it like its no big deal but to animals, its their whole life. Being a pup in a big busy world can be very frightening and i really enjoyed reading a possibility of their life. great job.
I like how the story shifts to a different perspective and the tone as well. It started off sort of hope and wondering then turned out to be sad and ended on a happy note. This was definitely interesting and a cute story.
I like how the story shifts to a different perspective and the tone as well. It started off sort of hope and wondering then turned out to be sad and ended on a happy note. This was definitely interesting and a cute story.
This piece was so heartfelt, your first-person use a meek and defenseless animal drove your story home with emotion and imagery. Very well done! Such an emotional, but realistic piece that you have wrote here.
I found the shift in tone from hopeless and upsetting to uplifting and happy to be an interesting twist. I also enjoyed the perspective this story was told from. I am able to feel what the speaker (the animal) feels, yet it also feels as though I am the one observing the animal's life. This story works great with your use of imagery and was a heartwarming piece that I enjoyed reading.
The fact that you took an animal's perspective in this truly makes it unique. That, accompanied with the detailed imagery, really allows the reader to connect to the piece and see the animal's perspective. When you described the animal crying out to its mother and detailed its fear and sadness, you tugged my heart strings and made me want to help the innocent animal. I think you did an excellent job of getting the point across that all animals deserve a loving home.
Your impactful use of imagery and of a first person perspective allowed for this piece to connect the readers hearts to the emotional journey of a poor puppy. The use of vivid and descriptive words of the outside world coming from the point of view of a helpless dog has the audience fixated until the end, which gave way to a shift in the tone, going from tragic and despondent to uplifting and comforting.
This story was great with, pacing, imagery, tone, and well the fact i didn't realize it was about animals until a quarter way through it, and i like that about this story. The shift from family comfort to terror of the unknown was nice and fitting but the shift back to happiness was lackluster. The reader was given no real meaningful ending that conveyed happiness and friendship, the speaker lost everything and simply by being adopted and got a "best friend" he's fine and dandy. The ending would have been great if you went into more detail with the human interactions especially with the best friend so that the reader may get some semblance of a happy ending. But i'm just being a mean critic what you did extremely well was put the reader in the mindset of a small animal in a world of "people".
I love the point of view of your story.The readers see this story through a small animals eyes which makes it unique.I enjoyed how the story began sad and very real for the animals but in the end there was a happy ending.
I enjoyed how in your story you had the plot shift tones in multiple occasions. I enjoyed figuring out what your story was about by you dropping hints but never actually having to tell what it was about. The suspense towards the end with him being the last dog to get adopted had me on the edge of my seat. I thought it was a very good short story that had a great ending.
I was confused at the beginning of your story. As I continued reading, the story became more clear and understandable. Your usage of imagery, especially sensory, made the story much more interesting. The vocabulary that you used made the shifts in tone quite evident as well. Overall, this piece was very well written and with great insight. Nicely done!
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