It was a cold winter night, My name is john I am 14 years old, I never knew where I was, at first I thought I was at home but then as i thought deeply I opened my eyes and wow I was at a different place. This time I was at six flags with all my friends, i’ve always wished that someday I would go there but I never actually had the chance to go at a place like 6 flags.
I was there for almost the whole day just going on some of the coolest rides that I heard were really great rides. Some such as Tatsu, Lex Luthor, Superman and also don’t forget, aw shoot I forgot what the name was called.Let me tell you what else we did….hey what’s happening this is dissapearing. I opened my mind and in my mind I was at a soccer park with my friends.That’s odd I said to myself. There’s only what 0ne, two, three, four, five of my friends here and they were staring at something behind me. Mouths open I tried to get there attention when I turned around out of nowhere there was a huge professional soccer stadium. My friends and I just started to walk in It was crowded with a bunch of people cheering and shouting, I looked at the field and I said to myself no way, no way. I looked at the field and there were the best teams in the world playing against each other. REAL MADRID against BARCELONA.
I looked and there i saw some of the best people from Real Madrid- Cristiano Ronaldo, Gareth Bale, James Rodriguez, Marcelo, amd them on Barcelona side- Iniesta, Luis Suárez, Messi, and Neymar jr. After the game we got to actually shake their hands which was awesome and meet them in person, we got to learn some skills with them. I really wish that I got a chance to actually get a signature for them on a ball cleat or shirt but all of a sudden I disappeared into another place. I looked around this time I actually had no clue where I was. All the other good things that happened to me were gone cause all I saw were things that I may happen in the future and I was horrified.
I saw this one thing that said I was going to juvie or jail and I soon was like what the heck. It was a really bad memory, I was thinking to myself that I know I would never do something that bad that will probably end my whole life and get me arrested. This time thoughts, all my thoughts started disappearing and going away. I had finally realized that everything that had happened such as going to m6 flags. Gouig to see Real Madrid and Barcelona playing each other. and also those bad thoughts were all gone. I soon realized that everything that has happened was just a dream. I opened my eyes I saw my parents and all my friends holding stuff in there hands. I noticed that I had been under a coma. I told my parents what I dreamed of that I thought it was real but they said it was just all a dream. Again my name is John and I am 17 years old.
Find the shape and tell it!
27 comments:
Not bad... Not bad at all. I'm not sure if I understood what exactly happened, but it seemed as if John was in a coma for three years. Each scene in his dream represented a year he lost in reality. Maybe this is what you meant by saying that John was 14 at the beginning of the story and saying he was 17 at the end. Or it could have been a typo. Either way, I still enjoyed this story.
Michael Retana
Period 1
This was really interesting, I enjoyed how you described the locations the dreams took place in I was able to imagine the places as I read. What I took from your story is that John was in a coma for 3 years and that each dream represented a year, I thought the first dream represented being wild and crazy which is why it took place in Six Flags; also because being in a coma to John was a little weird and crazy. The Second dream in the soccer stadium I thought that john was comfortable in his coma, which is why he was at a soccer stadium because it seems that John has a vast knowledge of famous soccer teams. Lastly, in the third dream I took that he was going to jail was a metaphor for John going back to the real world which could have been bad for him. I really enjoyed your story.
-Miren Cancio Per. 5
I really enjoyed how you painted a pretty vivid picture in your story and I also enjoyed how you made it seem as if this really was a dream (the little bits and pieces of different stories added to that). However, I do think you should distinguish a little better between the changes of events.
What grabbed my attention was Six Flags ugh I love Six Flags and I loved your story it was a bit confusing on some parts but over all it was a good story.
~Audriana Youssef
Period 4
I loved how all dreams were wishes you had in real life. were you asleep for three years. It seems more so a dream than a curse because you lost three years of reality. But I*t still is cool how you lived out your dreams.
Evanne Turner
Period 1
cogswell
I loved how you interpreted what it would be like to be in a coma. The dream sequence was as though you were actually living in those moments. I interpreted the dream sequence to also be like this:
The Six Flags portion of the dream can represent the craziness of the young fourteen year old boy, progressing to the possibly fifteen or sixteen year old boy who matured a little to using his craziness on the soccer field. Then, the last dream about going to jail can symbolize the boy's loss of innocence, possibly his wild-nature causing his being sent to jail.
Well done!
Natalia Garcia
Period 2
That's sad that the teenager was in a coma. But its cool how in his greams he said that he finally went the Six Flags the only time I went went to Six Flags was for my dads birthday and I was two short to ride half of the rides. I loved the story i thought it was kinda sad that at the end of his dream it said that he was going to juvie or jail and he did nothing wrong. But glad he woke up from a coma. GREAT STORY.
MIKAYLA SEALS
Per.4
Great story I love dreaming and I wish I could dream a bunch of wonderful things like that. The way you described the dreams I felt like I was in this story in side this guy’s dream like inception or something. This provoked me to think, "what if dreams are really and our reality is really just a dream." I love plot twists and believe you ended the story quite well with one.
What an interesting story. I like how you made the story a bit confusing. That was actually a really smart thing to do since you were describing a dream. What I grasped from the story is that the 3 dreams you had represented what made you joyful and happy. The story ends in a bad vision or dream which could indicate that you are waking up to reality. You did a great job with all the symbolism; It was my favorite part.
What an interesting story. I like how you made the story a bit confusing. That was actually a really smart thing to do since you were describing a dream. What I grasped from the story is that the 3 dreams you had represented what made you joyful and happy. The story ends in a bad vision or dream which could indicate that you are waking up to reality. You did a great job with all the symbolism; It was my favorite part.
What an interesting story. I like how you made the story a bit confusing. That was actually a really smart thing to do since you were describing a dream. What I grasped from the story is that the 3 dreams you had represented what made you joyful and happy. The story ends in a bad vision or dream which could indicate that you are waking up to reality. You did a great job with all the symbolism; It was my favorite part.
I loved this story. At first, i thought it was just the guy was just sleeping but when i read the coma part, i was shocked. I liked how you put more than one dream making it more exciting. It would have been great if you talked about how he got into the coma but this is good too because it leaves you hanging and wondering what happened.
- Valarie Ly
Period 1
Based off your title, I assumed there would be an awakening of the main character where they reach some point of self-awareness and clarity. What I didn’t not consider was the idea of a coma, which pleasantly surprised me. I liked how each topic appeared fragmented, but they all came together for the bigger picture of John’s dream. I liked the use of imagery as you hit each scene well enough for me to paint a picture in my head. The best part in my opinion was the ending as it ties back to the beginning with John stating his name and age again so you see the contrast between before and after the coma. Great story!
period 2
I really liked this story. At first it got a little confusing because i didnt fully realized it was a dream. You had a good sense on where to make the tone changes; shifting to one dream to the other. Toward the end i was like "whoa! Plot Twist!" I was not expecting that what so ever. Good job on giving me that shock factor. I really liked this story!
Wow! Great job on the story. I enjoyed very much how the main character had different types of dreams that were really cool. Not many stories I have read are like this one. Amazing!
Ricky Martin
Period 4
Cogswell
Very different story, I've never read something about a person in a coma. But after reading this, I would definitley check out stories like this. It had a great plot and amazing details involove. You really caught my attention with this story. You did a great job!
This was a really interesting story, as if it had come directly out of a dream. I enjoyed how you portrayed the three years this John character was in a coma, how each year was a different setting. I feel as if the way these different places were introduced and portrayed could have been transitioned a tad bit more smoothly. I believe it would have a nice impact to your story. But well done Justin!
~Legend Holman
p.3
The manner in which you transition from the innocent dream state to the revelation that the narrator had actually been in a coma is a really good plot twist and the description you use allows me to feel as if I was actually there. Nice Job Justin!
Hunter Fierro
Period 5 Cogswell
Justin what an excellent story about a dream! You utilized several forms of imagery and detail that made me feel as though I was there with you at the places you mentioned. The ending paragraph most definitely surprised me because I expected something else would occur. Overall this story was eloquently written! Great job Justin and Visça Barça!
Wow this is a very compelling story! One thing I thought was a bit strange was the randomness. I think the story would of have been more enticing if the dreams that John was having were all connected in someway, such as a symbol of motif appearing in all of the dreams. Overall this was a very good story. The ending made my heart sink a little bit, which i think was the intended goal of this piece. The ending twist came as a big surprise. Great story!
-Cristopher Orellana
Period 5
Honestly, I have to say this is probably my favorite piece that I've read so far. I love the sort of plot-twist, cliffhanger type stories that leave you wanting more. So as I read the last sentence, I just lost it. The way the last sentence was written really hit me in a certain way and it leaves me with an unsettling feeling, but it drives me to do more with my life. :D
Your story was very creative and random but it was still great! I was trying to figure out the ended while reading it and I didnt expect it to end like that!!
Mackenzie Tipple
per 4
I did not see that ending coming. I honestly thought to myself, "Wow... John is a heavy sleeper." I have very short dreams and they aren't creative at all. The most exciting dream I've had in the past week would have to be finding a free token on the floor of a Chuck E Cheese. Excuse that comment. The point I was trying to get at was that you have a creative mind and this story was an example of your high caliber of creativity. Great job with the ending once again! I would have never guessed he was in a coma. Thanks for the enjoyable read!
wow your story was so captivating I just had to read it a second time! well done.
Madison Behee
Per.1
Wow!! this was really well written and I really liked the story. great Job!
Katy O'Hara
per. 1
Not Bad. Kinda a sad story. It must suck being under a coma
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