"An Open Letter to Myself" by Victoria H

 

Dear V,

I remember all your life you were known as a happy girl with big dreams. You were daddy’s little girl who loved snuggle time and mommy’s big helper who loved to help crack the eggs and turn on the mixer when making a cake. I remember when you were 9 years old and wondering “How can someone ever willingly leave their parents when they become adults?” when your older cousin was telling you how much she hated her parents and how badly she wanted to leave them. You thought she was insane when she disobeyed her mother or talked back to her father.

You didn’t have any consistent friends growing up, but that’s okay because you were there for yourself. When dad was at work and mom was busy with her other four kids, you learned to be there and watch out for yourself. I remember you were 6 years old helping change your baby brother’s smelly diapers. You were 10 years old when you burned your hand from accidentally touching the hot pot when you made food for your siblings when your parents were both at work. You grew up watching your older sister’s friends come and go, and you consistently sat alone at lunch. I remember you labeled your loneliness as you just being independent. As you continued to grow, your loneliness became comforting.

Because you grew up caring for others; you continued to do so. You love others with your whole heart, no matter how much they hurt you. You spent so much time loving others you had no room in your heart to love yourself. You simply tore yourself to shreds being there for everyone. At the end of the day when you were by yourself you couldn’t even bear to look yourself in the mirror. Though you were seen as this happy, bubbly person at school, you weren’t. I think the show you put on was to convince yourself and others that you were okay when you weren’t. That coping mechanism is still used by you to this day. You believed for so long that your happiness came from the satisfying feeling when someone texted you a quick “ty! :)” after sending them study guides. You thought your worth came from what others thought of you. Victoria, how did we get here? You used to be so carefree; you only cared about the way your mom thought about your outfits you put together. How did you let your happy-go-lucky self dig yourself into this hole of bad emotions? You base your happiness off of the acceptance of others. You change your personality in order to fit what the people around you like so much that I don’t even know who you are. You schedule yourself for 25-30 hours a week just so you won’t have time to sit and think and be alone with your thoughts, because when you do you hate yourself so much that all you can do is cry. It’s so frustrating watching the person you became. You find comfort in sadness, validation in Instagram likes and comments; that isn’t right. You barely talk to your parents; you and your sister can’t even be in the same room as each other for more than five minutes. You can’t come home from hanging out with friends without killing yourself over the thought of “Do they actually like me or are they just being nice.” How did you get this way, and how did you get yourself out of it?

I remember earlier this year, you lost everything when the stay-at-home order was in place. It happened only a couple of hours before your birthday. All of your plans went to nothing as you laid in bed in your birthday staring at the ceiling. Two weeks later, you put your whole heart into a school election, which you had dreamt of for so many years prior. That didn’t work out in your favor either. You were completely lost. You were broken. You were a shell of the person you were once before. And then, you found God. You had always been religious, but you never had that “ah-ha” moment. I remember you spent almost half an hour pouring your heart out, and He answered immediately. Nothing brought you more to peace than that reassuring feeling that you would be okay. Since then, you still get sad sometimes, but knowing God loves you pulls you out of your slump every time.

I am so happy to see that you have so many wonderful friends who love you dearly and are passionate about the things that matter. The end result was COMPLETELY worth the pain.

V, I leave you with one last thing that you need to remember forever and ever: love and trust in God and you will be okay. He knows your worth and His validation is the only thing that matters at the end of the day.

 

I love you,

Victoria Howell