I was tossing and turning. I could feel the white rapids
pulling at me causing me to have no control. My lungs were burning trying to
find any source of oxygen and as I was blinking in and out of consciousness all
I could think was how it could have gotten this way.
My vacation didn’t
start off so bad. I was with my mom, dad, and six year old sister traveling to Jamaica
by airplane. We traveled in coach. The ride wasn’t that bad. We suffered some
minor turbulence that caused my stomach to churn but otherwise it was fine. The
trouble started when we landed. While my family got their luggage, I asked my
parents if I could tour the island by myself. Insuring my mom I would be okay,
enduring teases from my dad that I was going girl hunting, and tricking my
sister into not coming with me, I finally managed to pull away to go touring
the island. That’s when I saw her. While I was touring the island, I decided to
visit some local shops. When I was walking past a store selling local fruit on
the beach, I saw this beautiful caramel skinned girl my age, with short cut
black hair and chocolate brown eyes that could melt anyone’s heart. I overheard
someone call her Eleanor. She was watching some of the surfers riding the turf
and that’s when that horrible idea formed.
After rushing back to the hotel to
get my swimsuit and change, I ran back to the beach to try to impress Eleanor
with my surfing. Hopefully she would be so enchanted with my impressive surfing
unaware of my nonexistent surfing life/lessons that when she learned this
knowledge, she would follow me around like she was a sheepdog, and I was a
wandering sheep in her flock. I quickly grabbed a board and started to paddle
out to sea. This can’t be that hard I
thought. All I have to do is balance.
I saw what looked like a good sized wave and I started to stand on the board. I managed to wobbly stand up, I could feel the
wave building up and I braced myself. That’s when everything went wrong. As
soon as the wave hit me I fell off my board. As I crashed into the water the
surfboard tuned over and the strap connecting me to the board wrapped around a
strong sea plant causing me to stay underneath the waves. The force of the
powerful wave was both above water and underwater. I was tossing and turning. I
could feel the white rapids pulling at me causing me to have no control. My
lungs were burning trying to find any source of oxygen. As I started to go black
out of consciousness I wondered if it was for the last time.
35 comments:
great story i love it the details and figures of speech. -Naiszjaii Ragsdale Period 6
I like how you talked about this piece from an annoyed teenager's perspective. It made the narrative easy to follow. I even like how you described the girl. You associated her with sweets that have a distinct taste and color. At the same time it creates an enchanted tone, so it really shows that you liked the girl. Also, I loved how you ended the narrative almost the same way as it began. It's almost like Harry Potter "I open at the close."
This was a really great story. I really enjoyed the opening and it travels back to time to the beginning of the vacation. Personally I don't think its a good idea to tour a new island you have never been on. I like how you described Eleanor and used the term "mealt anyone's heart. Overall I really enjoyed this story.
I really enjoyed this story! I loved the detail and it kept me on my feet wondering what was going to happen to the character. Great job!
imalla ramirez
period 6
I liked your story because you described the events very clearly that I could place myself there and trying to find oxygen in that event. A lesson to be learned here, If your going to try to impress someone, you should think about taking lessons first. The consequences can be deadly.
-Isaac Garcia
per 6
Good story and I like how you started with the first sentence and explained your way to the end of your story back to your first sentence so good job.
Kamau O
P.2
I really enjoyed your story and use of details it made me feel as If I were witnessing the whole thing happening. I wish I could have found out what happened to him at the end but I guess that's why they call if a cliff hanger. I would love to read more from you and see what other ideas you come up with.
Great job with this story! The use of descriptive imagery really helped me as a reader to visualize what kind of atmosphere and vibe the story had. I especially found that metaphor involving the sheep and the sheepdog to be unique and interesting. Awesome job with the narration of the story and it's details.
Isabelle Huynh
Per.1
I loved your story, I hope you didn't go through all that for nothing. One thing I admired about your story was the imagery. I feel that imagery is a great literary device to keep your audience interested, you utilized it well. I also enjoyed your mild humor as well. Great job!
Kaleha Spencer
Period: 4
great story i enjoyed how you gave lots of detail and a brief description at the beginning good job
Valerie Perez
11/19/14
I loved your story and its basically most teens these days always trying to impress girls but this just went overboard and the ending i just loved it. one of the best endings ever but also it was a sad ending. Keep up the good work man
Juan Acero
Period 6
I loved this story! Lots of great similes and figures of speech! It ended right when it got good though! I wanted to keep reading! But, it was a great story overall!
Noah Martinez
p.2
Great story it kept me interested al the way through way to use details.
I really enjoyed reading this piece, mostly because it started out very casual and with everyone around him, yet at the end, he was alone, mostly because he wanted to be and hoped that the first source of pain mentioned in the piece would surely be the last. I really liked how you used a nice amount of imagery and detail to show us how exactly the source of his pain came to be and how it continues to be to the reader. Great Piece!
I enjoyed reading your piece of writing. You are very creative and used great word choice. I how you continue to work on your writing skills.
Jobelle Dauz
Period 2
Great story I liked how it allowed us to imagine what was happening.
-vymian san
This story is great! I like how all his problems start from trying to impress a girl. I also enjoyed the way you start at the end of the story, then flashback to how it all started and then finish with the same lines you started the piece out with. Great Job!
Nehemiah Barnett
Period 4
That was a really great story! You used many details which made the story way more realistic. You should do a Part 2 on the story to determine if he alive or not.
Shayan Khan
Period 6
This story was very descriptive and and lots of imagery that really helped me picture the story. This piece was great and you should keep up the good writing.
By Jesse jaureui
I like how the story had lots of details. Keep up the good work.
-Chiquitita Annisa
I'll make one! It was midnight and I was on the shore of the beech. I wondered how I managed to survive. I walked toward the hotel my family stayed at. But as I walked I left no footprints behind me, and I could barely feel the sand beneath me. When I got there I tried knocking on the door but when I stuck my hand out, it went through the door. I was confused, I wondered if I was dreaming. I stuck my hand out again, and it still went through. Finally, I decided to let myself in and I walked through the door. my family looked depressed. My sisters eyes were pink and there was a line that ran down here cheek, and same for my mother. I said hello, but no body responded. I said it again, but louder, they still continued what they were doing. Finally I saw a man with hood that shaded his face and he told me, "your dead......idiot!"
I loved this story! The story was very descriptive, write more on this blog!
This story is awesome, Pierce.I found it depressing and hilarious at the same time. Hilarious because he fell overboard and drowned because of a girl. also, I love the amount of detail you put in just about everything in the story. I hope I never have a vacation like this. XDDDDDDDD
Loved all the imagery. My favorite part was how the story made a full circle from the way you started it off. Love your writing! Great piece :)
-Haylie Duncan
Period 4
I absolutely loved this story you made, Pierce. Although it did take a dark turn, I completely understood what the character was trying to do. Trying to impress a girl can be hard to do most of the time and most people would just try to show them how great they are at things, even though they aren't. Still though, you had me wanting to find out more about what happened to him afterward. Was he rescued? Did he somehow get free? Did he just simply die in the ocean? Either way, it was a nice, detailed story you had made. Good job, Pierce.
Justin Presto
Period 2
Very detailed. Great story!
Love the story and how you used imagery it sounded realistic on how everything happened. Also how he was drowning. that's the typical men.
Luis Toro
Period 6
I loved the simple plot scenario happening here and I also liked how you put in a conflict that many of us can relate to - seeing a good looking person and doing something quite extreme to impress them - I mean we've all been there. Your story had language that kept the reader going, however, I would like to see better expression in your sentences and evaluation; what I mean by this is that the language you use didn't make me feel as I we're there as and as if I were you in that scenario and that was want i wanted to experience when reading interesting stories like this. The impressing a girl part was well introduced and help me get the feel of it in the begging, but towards the end I kind of felt to lose it. But overall good story.
I really like the set up for this story. At first I thought the main character was in a river or something but then you mentioned Jamaica... Anyways, it was a really good story despite the typical "try to impress the girl" plot line because you didn't focus on the girl too much. What I really liked was the ending and the use of repetition to get that sense of wave after wave beating him down even more.
Amazing use of imagery and diction! I felt myself watching and experiencing everything in this piece. The plot is clearly expressed and I love how you were able to express it with only so many words or limited typing amount. I love how you chose Jamaica and described what a typical vacation to be like and then shifted the tone with this ominous and dreary tone. The ending had me on the edge and I wonder too if that was his last breath.
-Katheryn Vallr p.4
I am glad that you are alive and well! This scared me man... Woman flirting and ocean DO NOT MIX...! Hahaha I am just kidding with you, but please be careful next time, okay? The imagery that you used in his factual (or fictional) story made it difficult for me to breath! I enjoyed your rather scary love story! but i do have a question, what happened with you and Eleanor? Hope you reply! Amazing job!
Margaret Moyer
Per.5
Wow good thing you are okay, lessoned learned.... don't try to do something to impress a person unless you know for sure you can do it. I loved your use of imagery, by having everything else sorta obscure and then to focus on the girl was a great way to bring attention to her and increase her significance. then your description of the incident it's self was very well written.
Merosa Uiagalelei
Per.5
This piece was great! I enjoyed the story and the direct and indirect humor provided. The piece was relatable and made me as a reader feel as if I knew you personally through the casual still appropriate diction. In conclusion, awesome work!
I really enjoyed reading your story. It was very interesting. I liked your use of flashback and the detail that you put into your story. The imagery that you used was very effective. Good Job!
Alyssa Anastasi
P.5
Good endings Daniel although personally I feel like grim reaper should be meaner like " Your dead idiot. And you know what, Eleanor didn't shed a tear." And then the narrator is in shock and the grim reaper laughs maniacally.
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