“Hello?”
The room remains silent, and the voice begins again.
“Hello? Can you hear me?”
My eyes flutter open, and a blurred spread of bright light
blinds my vision.
I can finally focus on a man seated at a desk, facing me. I
watch as he speaks again into his headset.
“If you can hear and understand me, please respond”.
I look around the room and examine the flawless sheet of
white covering the entirety of the space surrounding me. Even my chair glistens
with a pristine cleanliness. In front of me, a silhouetted man is seated behind
glass, in a darkened room.
I respond.
“Yes.. Yes, I can hear you.”
“Can you tell me your name and identification number?”
“My name is Treina. CODE 009K256.”
“Good. Are you feeling okay? Can
you move your head and arms?”
I look away from him as I gradually
lift both my arms. I watch my gleaming hands raise themselves towards the space
above me with a soft mechanical grind. I'm so entranced by the smooth, silver
gleam that I almost miss his next sentence.
I hear clicks upon a keyboard, as the voice continues.
“Alright. Now
I'm just gonna do a quick scan for any viruses, and we'll be just about.. Done!
And that just about does it. You're ready for shipment.”
I begin to walk
towards the platform, until I pause for a moment.
“May I ask what
will happen to me now?”
“Well, I'll recondition you and
you'll make your way to a store to be sold.”
“Sold? So I'm a sort of
merchandise?”
“That's right, baby! You're a part
of a whole string of operations. You alone be worth millions.”
“But I thought--”
“You thought?” He pauses. He walks
toward me to the edge of the glass and I see the confused expression covering
his clean shaven face. With a slight smirk, he asks, “Well what did you think?”
“I thought.. I thought I was..
alive.”
Instantly, his face hardens and all
compassion floods from his face as the look of concern spreads through the air.
“You- wait. No.. No. This thing isn't quite right..” He walks over towards his
desk and pushes something out of my line of sight. Over an intercom, I hear as
he calmly states, “CODE 60093. I need some help for a disassembly.”
A group of men run in and grab my
arms, as a man begins to unscrew my shoulder.
I'm caught in shock as I'm toppled
over by two men in black ties and slacks. I realize what's happening, and I can
only think to scream. “No, please! Stop! You can't do this!”
The man responds blatantly,
“Oh. Sorry, Hon. I can't afford if something goes wrong. You know, if a
customer comes in with a complaint, they're gonna come in with a whole lot of
questions.”
They begin work on the other arm as
I try to rip away. More men step in to knock me back from my chair. They pin me
to the ground as both my arms are removed, until a leg and then the other, are
gone.
I'm left with nothing but my torso,
as they begin to unscrew my head.
I yell and plead as tears come
flowing down my face. “Please! I won't say anything else! I'll do what I'm
told! I promise. Just please stop!”
And as I felt the last screw being
untwisted, I screamed with the last of my breath as the world began to fade out
around me, “I just want to live!” And my sight is swallowed into darkness.
35 comments:
Wow this story was sooo good. You should really write more I want to see what happened. This story really makes you think and want to know what happened in the beginning. I loved it keep up the awesome writing!
Bethany Stitt
11/17/14
4:26 PM
2 period
I loved this! I had a creased set of eyebrows the entire time I was reading this. The ending had me, all she wanted to do was live and the fact that she couldn't because she was a different prototype, and that they couldn't have any "complications" truly devastated me. You created this world that seemed to be a certain amount of years fast forward then our generation and it truly stunned me how everything was so "clean" yet everything as terribly wrong! I loved you're piece!
What a wonderfully written piece! At first I was a little disappointed that it was yet again another dystopian society kind of piece, but it turned out to be an interesting twist! I loved the intense, hospital-like imagery, and the innocence being ripped away from Treina simultaneously with her actual life. The only criticism that I have is that I wished you had more literary room to flesh out Treina's internal thoughts a bit more, and maybe change up the point of view from omniscient to first person, only to entrance and pull in the reader a bit
More passionately. Congratulations on a great piece!
This story was really good the use of details made the story even better. I would love to read more from you and I loved how you described the way her skin gleamed and how they dissasembled her.
This was a very interesting and unique story. I definitely was really caught off guard about the whole "dissembling her body" part towards the end of this story and I have to say it really broke my heart that they decided to get rid of her like that just because she had the desire to be alive and live. This is a great piece and I love how different it is from any other story.
Alexis Huizar
Period 5
I really admire this story. It reminds me a lot of the video game Heavy Rain Dev Kara, same scenario different ending, which I admire. I love how we see her perspective and how we follow her thought process from beginning to end, at the same time I enjoyed the vivd detail put into the scenery definitely gives an idea of the what type of world they live in. A robotic industrial society, where robots fulfill human desire. This situation however involves a unique creation with a desire to live, but that desire is soon overthrown when she does not meet protocol. This story leaves me with the burdening question of "how did she develop the desire to live?".
Milani Thomas
Per. 1
Wow, I love your use of imagery, your word choice is amazing. I was literally able to picture everything in my head as if I was watching a movie. This was such an awesome story, the way you wrote it seems like it could be interpreted in various ways. My favorite part of the story is the beginning and the middle. At first I though the girl was real, it wasn't until they started to disassemble her body that I realized she was indeed not real. This was a great story!
Kaleha Spencer
Period: 4
This was a very unique story. I loved how you described in detail each thing that occurred. I admire the way you described how her skin gleamed and how it disassembled her. Great piece keep writing!
-Leah Hernandez
The way in which you transport your reader directly into the midst of the action and your vivid imagery makes this text and interesting read. It reminds me of the video game Heavy Rain. I've see the short video by the game producers in which a scene very similar to this one takes place. It was interesting reading this story while having seen the video online. Your words do the video justice; and your story may be better than the video itself. Great work Jeanna.
Adan Chavez
Per. 4
Wow, your use of imagery is impeccable. You really do wonders to transport your readers into the shoes of the main character using only dialogue. The story is interesting and suspenseful, keeping the reader faithfully reading until the very last line. The ending is melancholic and at the same time brings up interesting questions about mankind and the future of artificial intelligence. Great Job!
That had great imagery, you have a very detailed way of writing. Great job.
Tommy McDonnell
I loved how it has much details in the story and i loved it was about a toy, its just like toy story except with a sad ending. The imagery was really goo in the story and it was long and i just loved it keep up the good work man.
Juan Acero
Period 5
Period 6 i meant
This is creepy. Can you imagine buying a robot and then finding out that it used to be a human being?! The imagery used throughout the piece really made me feel as if I was in the narrators place and like I was being disassembled. Great job
Nehemiah Barnett
Period 4
I really loved this story because its creepy yet emotional. I love the futuristic feel to it and the name is cool Triena. I thought was very well written and I over all just loved it!
Sarah Skibby
Period 6
Oh goodness! I really enjoyed this story because it kind of shows the feeling have when people question authority.It threw me off when I found out that she was a robot, and she wanted to live and feel alive. I enjoyed the structure of your poem because It kept me interested the whole way through.Good job!
It’s amazing how you were able to start the story right before the action without any explanation and the story still flowed and made sense. The story in its entirety is amazing, your imagery and word choice made it so easy for me to picture everything in my head as I read and it makes me want to know about the history of the story. Truly a great piece, good job!
Sara Arredondo
period 4
This piece was especially interesting because of it's mystery. I like how you made everything else unknown except for this robot that could feel. By doing so, we immediately are connected with this being (necessarily so because it is the only thing we truy know in this story). This reminded me of a video I once saw about an AI that felt so the creators had to dismember it. In any case, well done at creating an immersive experience that captivates the reader to its fullest potential.
What I really liked about this story was the use of color connotation and how the story starts out bright and very clean until we see the "silhouetted man" "in a darkened room" which is reinforced by the "men in black ties and slacks" and by the darkness in the final sentence. I think this also symbolizes the conflict of valuing money over life for personal gain but because this story feels futuristic due to the fact that this is about a professional business that artificially creates life, its not obnoxiously obvious that the same moral issues are and have happened within our lifetime. I thought this story really did its job in so little words :)
This story was pretty good. I enjoyed the twist about Treina being a conscious robot the whole time. Even though she was artificial, she still had wanted to live life like any other creature on this planet, and i feel that this type of thing should be considered when investing further into creating artificial life. I loved your use of imagery to describe the rather horrific experience of being disassembled right in front of you. This reminds me of a movie that is coming out soon about a self-aware robot learning about the world. This made me wonder if you got this idea from the movie. Either way, I think you did a good job on your story.
Justin Presto
Period 2
Really great story, reminds me of the video "Kara". You took different aspects from the original story but created a much more unique ending. In the original Kara is reassembled and let go. However in your version, she is dismantled and deactivated. Personally I love the story and how in a way it relates to society, trying to shape us and control us, just like the robot. I really loved the alterations you gave the story, very good job i really enjoyed reading it!
-Daniel Alaniz
Period 4
This sounds like a great story, makes me wonder what is going on. It reminds me of shadow the hedgehog because in that game shadow sees a robot copy of himself and wonders if he is also a copy. good job
Your story overall impressed me. The use of detail, emotion, and just a futuristic plot got my attention. Keep writing. This was a great piece :) -Joey Roest
Oh my gosh. Yesssss!!!!!!!!!!! This was so bomb. I really liked your use of imagery and how suspenseful it was throughout the whole story. I literally was about to fall off my chair. It was that good. Keep up the great work!!
-Philip Ahn
6th
Jeanna,
I loved your piece! I was definitely drawn in by the imagery you used in the opening. It was intriguing and when i got to the end i was really curious as to what happened next. It was suspenseful and exciting.Thank you for the good read!
Leasia Spicer
period 4
Nice Piece! When I first read the story, I was a bit confused so I went back and re-read it and totally got it. Turns out I was listening to the tv while trying to read blog posts. But anyways, I liked this story a lot, it was really good and just overall, it had a nice flow to it. I liked your vivid imagery and all the dialog that goes on is really great!
Nice Job!
This was really great Jeanna! I got a theme of Sci-fi and I could tell thats what you were getting at. I didn't know what was going on at first but after reading it through I understood it. Great job!
Melany M
Period 1
I enjoyed the idea of the story, you came up with something creative. You made it very detailed so it was easy to imagine what the narrator was experiencing.
I liked the whole futuristic type feel with this story. I also liked the vivid descriptions of the dismantling of the main character towards the end. Great job!
-Altierre Paris
Great use of imagery in this story, very detailed and i love your story telling,
Oh my gosh I absolutely loved this story! It was so good! Yet so sad! I loved all the details you used in the story, it made me feel like I was really there, feeling everything she was feeling. Great job! It was amazing!
-Caitlin Nguyen
P.5
Oh Jeanna! This story truly brought shivers down my spine!! The confusion the reader feels at the beginning and that final a-ha! moment just made the story that much better. I love the raw emotions and curiosity I felt about whatever it is that is being awoken and alive. Keep writing please!
-Jacob Valdez
Period 4
very good job on this story that you have written i loved it so much yet it was so sad the details that you used in your story are pretty darn good for a second i kinda felt that i was in the story well even though it was a girl the whole time it still made me feel like i was in there the whole time
Omid Raziani
Madison Pierce period 4
I loved your piece. Right from the beginning you caught my attention and held it. Throughout the story you did a great job slowly revealing the identity of the object. The structure of your work allowed the different characters to be seen in unique ways. It really developed their sense of emotion and feeling towards the scenario.
at the beginning of the story you caught my attention and it was nice to read. i like how you used perfect adjectives to make people fell a emotion and i like how you made the guy actually sound confused.
william bema
1/07/2015
per.2
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