Ahhhhh. A sigh of content escaped my upturned lips. I was
strolling down a beaten old path in my favorite park, the sun was shining, and
my day couldn’t get any better. As I continued walking, my glance fell upon
another person enjoying the park’s wonders. Our eyes met, and I smiled at the
cute guy strumming his guitar under the shade of the oak tree. Seeing a smile
in reply, I conjured up the courage to walk over to say hi. We talked,
connected, and well, you can imagine what happened next. (This is a love story
of sorts after all).
Flash
forward a few years. “Hey hun, need some help with those boxes?” Being a rather
stubborn individual, I of course batted my fiancé away, saying “What am I,
impaired? I got this!” Laughing, he ruffled my hair and headed outside to grab
the next set of items to unpack. As I unwrapped photo frames and lovingly
dusted them off, I thought back to the day we’d met. We’d hit it off so
instantly, it still amazed me. What followed that destined meeting was what all
girls dream of, and what all guys secretly long for. We went on dates, met the
parents, celebrated anniversaries, and even adopted a “joint-custody” dog
together. We were happy, and meant to be. Soon after our third anniversary, the
inevitable happened: we got engaged and decided to officially move in
together. Today was our first day moving
in, and we were so excited to finally have a place of our own. I smiled as I
surveyed our small, but elegant apartment; it was perfect. My smile abruptly
froze in place as I heard the most horrible screeching of brakes from outside.
Time seemed to slow down as I ran
out through the front door, my heart convulsing with fear. My crazed eyes
focused on the slumped, broken body of my love sprawled across the road in
front of a badly dented car with the driver stumbling out of the door, and as I
rushed over I knew without a doubt that he was gone. A sob erupted from me, and
I crumbled to the ground next to the body. Staring at the body that was no
longer the man I had fallen in love with through tear-filled eyes, one thought
repeated over and over in my mind. I would give up ANYTHING to revive him,
anything. I closed my eyes, and the thought seemed to get louder, bigger,
filling my head until I felt like I was going to explode. There was a searing
flash of pain, like something was being ripped away from me, followed by
blissful silence.
…………………………………………………………………………………….
I opened my eyes, and shook off the strangest feeling
of wistfulness, like I had forgotten something important. Shrugging it off, I
continued walking, my glance falling upon another person enjoying the park’s
wonders. Our eyes met. I smiled at the cute guy strumming his guitar under the
shade of the oak tree, and kept walking.
27 comments:
Analinda, I love this story! When you first showed it to me, I wanted to cry like a baby, and I still do. She made the ultimate sacrifice to save the one she loved. I swear this piece said all it need to in the allotted time, and now, I feel like I need a box of tissues. Your wording was so simple and elegant, and your story and message was so lovely. I love the way you organized it, holding the reader until the very end. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be. - Unknown
I love your story so much, you did an amazing job.
-Lauren Williams
This story totally got my emotions jumping out! I usually do not get emotional, but this story got tears running down my face. Even though this piece was simple, it was beautiful! You did such a great job and you said it wasn't even good! The detail contained in this piece is amazing and I can easily picture what is going on. You did such a magnificent job on this.
This was such a nice story until the end, but even then its hard to be sad about it because she made the sacrifice of never meeting him in order to save his life. In the short time that you described their relationship and gave the readers a glimpse into the characters' lives I was able to invest in the people they were and just as abruptly as her smile vanished so did mine. When I read that he was gone I was crushed for her and the fact the way you described the whole scene and shifted the tone completely only made it worse, and really allowed for me to picture the whole scene unfold and understand her pain. At the end when she didn't cross to meet him, I could only think, "NOOOO!" and I said as much to my computer screen as I read. Great use of imagery and tone to really capture the readers attention. This was also really well organized and easy to follow because you clearly stated where the story flashed forward and then where it changed with the formatting. Great Job!
Oh wow! I wasn't expecting that ending at all! Dang, I'd love to see a short film or something made out of this one.
Okay, well the writing was short, but sweet. Their relationship seemed so adorable, even if we only got to take a peek at it. The switch in tone is the best part about this story. You could just feel how happy she was, almost as if she was in a little bubble or a dream. Then it just switched so suddenly, and I felt that the change was very telling about how quickly your life can go from good to bad, or even from bad to good. Everything seemed so sudden, and the way it was written made the situation seem frantic. I could really feel her desperation, and that upset me. Having her sacrifice ever meeting the boy in order to keep him alive was such a great twist. It showed just how deep their love actually was, and it helped us get a lot more out of the story, even if it was so short. I just love that ending so much, I'm sorry if I continue ranting about it. You nailed the emotions here. Really stellar job, Analinda!
Analinda, this piece was amazing. From the first sentence up until the last, I felt like I was watching a blockbuster chick-flick unfolding within my head. My heart was captured by the love shared between the couple and at your mention of the screeching brakes, I was instantly saddened. The ending was absolute perfection - on the one hand it relieved my sorrow, but it was also extremely bittersweet. Nicholas Sparks better watch out!!!
-Christina Tapia
I love the ending of the story! It was definately a shocker! I feel as though this could be a movie. I would probably tear up like a baby if it were. Your use of a broad vocabulary helped elevate the story
This is great! Your use of words and the specific details in the second paragraph allowed me to picture the couple's growth and perfect lives like those in happy romance movies. The specific breaks between the paragraphs also had a nice effect of transitioning into the next scene. Like what Sarah Castro said, I can see this being a great short film! This is movie material, Analinda!!! Great job!
-Ben Chang
What a great story! This piece is so well written and that ending is crazy. You held my interest through out the story and even made me want to read it again. The whole concept was interesting and was reflected in the title. I think your story can serve as a lesson about the way love causes you to do certain things. Honestly well done. I loved how cute the story was and how bitter sweet it ended.
This story makes me wonder if the girl has always been trapped in a perpetual loop of meeting the love of her life, falling in love and then watching him die over and over again. It's an interesting concept and dilemma. Although, even if she's trapped in some purgatory/ limbo like state, does it really matter? Analinda, your story was both simple, yet thought provoking, remaining bittersweet, yet ended on a hopeless note, for she will relive falling in love, only to watch him die again. Very tragic indeed. -Emily Wilt per 1
Oh my! I thought that this was just another happy ending story about the couple's life, but you changed pace by the horrible screech that forever changed their lives. This is such a beautiful story about how she gave up her whole life with him just to have him live again, even if it means she can't be with him. The dotted line separates her two realities, by walking up to him we see her next three years are full of love and by simply walking away from him we see all that she missed out on. Your story really makes me think how my life would be different if I spoke to that one person from that one time. Your story is really attention grabbing and I loved reading it! Good Job!
Your piece was absolutely amazing! I seriously had so many emotions running through me as I read this piece, it was excellent. I love how you created a sort of deja-vu feel to demonstrate the story that kept replaying in the woman's head. I loved your use of imagery which made me create a clear picture, but also your build up to the climax! I seriously had the widest eyes and my mouth open when I read the phrase "screeching of brakes". One of my favorite techniques that you utilized was time; how in the beginning of the story time was going by, but then when the crash came, time suddenly went slow. You are seriously an amazing writer, great job!
Amazing. I thought it was going to be a happy story, but you decided to play with my feelings. You are a very talented writer, being able to write as if it was a flashback from an older person's life. I hope this is all imagination, and none of this is from experience.
-Kevin McCondichie
I just like the way you use dialogue. It makes the story even better! Also the ending is very good. I like the way it flows into a good ending. It follows through with good techniques. Not just straight to the end. Good job
This story was really touching but it made me wonder if she really accomplished anything. People say that when its your time to die, you will. So did she really save his life or did she just change the way his life ended? but aside from that, your story was very well written and easy to get into and it was also easy to get emotionally attached to. It was tragically beautiful -Araybia Brown
Oh my goodness! Analinda, this story made me so sad at the end. I liked your use of imagery and description of the girl's happy thoughts to add an even greater dramatic effect when her fiancé dies. I had a feeling something like that would happen but it was still quite a shock. This really would make a great movie, nice job!
-Alexandra Aguilar
You've done it Analinda...this story practically brought me to tears. In just a few words your descriptions and specific imagery drew me into your characters' world and I grew to love the characters. At the beginning, your story is a plain and simple love story....but then comes the plot twist...with its heart-wrenching, thought-provoking, and selflessness; it was simply amazing and kept me entertained from beginning to end. I literally re-read the story multiple times thinking of all the ways it could have ended happily. But then it wouldn't have had as much meaning. Overall, your story had everything a reader looks for in a whole novel in just four paragraphs, great job.
When I saw your name, I knew this would be a great read since you read about five-hundred books a day. You didn't disappoint in the least bit! I loved it. In fact, I read it over more than once! Your writing is very incredible and the story was heartbreaking; which is an extremely difficult task in the few paragraphs allotted. It does help that I'm a sucker for all that is romance and cute.
Oh gosh Analinda what an amazing story! Right from the beginning you had me hooked as I am a huge fan of any type of love story. Your use of descriptive imagery and dialogue between the characters got me so into the story and I felt so disheartened when I thought the girl's husband had actually passed away. I was so relieved at the end, I defintely did not see that coming! You should defintely continue to write stories, I would love to read more from you!
Can this story go on or....? Analinda, holy moley, this was amazing! I never expected the ending! When she said that she would do anything and her head started hurting, I thought like she gave her life away for him, but no! Your story all together is fabulous! the flashback kept me smiling and the explanation of what was going on made me wish it were, until the plot twister! Amazing, just amazing!
Taylor Robles
I really enjoyed your story. What was seemingly the typical love story had a unique twist. I honestly felt as if I was watching a movie. Through your usage of great diction it felt as time truly passed since the characters locking eyes at the park. I felt my eyes tear up as well when I visualized the death of the husband through your usage of imagery. It appealed to my emotions while simultaneously perplexing my mind. Great job!
This story really stirred my emotions. It was a a roller coaster ride of emotions. It started off with her finding her love to her making a huge sacrifice. It was a great, but sad ending.
- Oscar Salazar
Wow, that was like really sad and really gripping. She gave up her chance at being happy with him in order to ensure that he was always safe, and that's like a really powerful message and like one of the best plot twists ever. That sudden shift from tragedy to a feeling that she had forgotten something important was a really great idea. The tone totally shifted from being so sad at the end to oblivious of the sacrifice she made at the end. Over all it was really impressive and a great short story.
Wank Wank!! :O Er ma gurd Analinder! :o. i always knew you were a satist ;) this was wonderfully awful and i enjoyed word of it. the worst best part is that she doesnt simply give up her life to bring him back she gives up their life and their love and she doesnt even know it.
- Justin Myers
AWH ! This hurts me so much ! You made me fall in love and broke my heart in such a short amount of time. As you carefully described how they fell in love, I was able to fall in love with them, which is why I also felt the pain when he died so suddenly! Then, I was able to understand how the ultimate sacrifice she made to save him did not hurt as much as losing him altogether. Your excellent use of pathos is how I was able to feel so many different emotions in such a short amount of time. Great Job!!!
I loved this piece so much! I can't describe how I felt after reading this, except for this sad acceptance of the frailty of life. I loved how you ended this piece with such a grand turn around from the original introduction. The thought of chance and fate are so complex yet simple to understand; little moments of chance can lead to a lifetime of joy. It's so weird to think that one thing can lead to so many others, and that if one chance moment had not occurred, a domino effect would occur too. This was truly a beautiful story.
I wanted to cry, literally. I knew it was too good to be true. I loved that you made the audience feel exactly what you wanted them to. Your play on words was absolutely perfect. You made sure to use every detail you could to describe how happy the couple was, from how nervous she was to meeting him and how he even nudged her hair on her head before he grabbed more boxes, the events seem so real, it's like these things can actually happen. Your piece also was extremely thought provoking and that kept me interested to reading more of it. Good job!! :)
You're word choice and imagery sucked me in. I got the same feeling I get when I pick up an amazing book and don't want to put it down. You express yourself so fluidly on paper, something most of us struggle with, you are talented Analinda! The fact that you were able to influence my emotions (plus everyone who commented that this brought them to tears) demonstrated how powerful this piece was. Great job :)
-Danieh Abu Alrub
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