"My Past, My Image, and My Future" by Jesse O.

 

*Trigger Warning* - thoughts of self-h*rm, and su*c*de

~~Before I begin, I appreciate all and every single one of you who have chosen to read or comment on this blog post, thank you from the bottom of my heart. ~~

It's dark. Very dark. The silence is deafening, but my heart beating is all that can be heard. The words that might emerge from my mouth, can change my life forever. Am I not good enough, what am I doing wrong? Why does this hurt, words shouldn’t hurt, right? The weight that I carry, around, my shoulders every single day of my life. My past, it beckons, calling back to me, weighing me down. Past lies, past mistakes, a fake personality, a mask. The pain of never being able to be your true self, is not visible, but is felt with unimaginable pain.

What lies led me there, what words did I say, to gain that image? The questions I could never stop thinking, and the actions that I will never forget, and the words that were forever burned into my memory. Middle school, the days that I was not myself, and the actions I did out of impulse, the lies that were spoken, and said as if they were the truth, and the reputation I gained that still remains in people’s mind. At school, I was someone I thought I was, and someone who was lost, and confused, only seeking to gain some form of approval from my peers, but ultimately was perceived as an outcast, and someone who said things that should not have been said. Acts, words, sentences, things that I will never forget, that defined the image that was perceived by everyone.

The nights, the tears, the thoughts, the feeling of not being enough, the feeling of giving up, and the feeling of regret. All of the friends, all of the bonds, and the possibilities, all gone. Was it worth it, more importantly, was I worth it? The question, why don’t people like me, why did people hate me, why did I do the things I did? Two contradictory questions, that would eventually be answered. What was my purpose, what was it? A question that kept running through my mind, and lived in my mind. The most defining question, and the one that caused this: “Who am I?” What would people think if I were to suddenly die? It wouldn’t be relevant, right? People wouldn’t bat an eye or care. So many questions, so many inquiries, so many thoughts, but no answers. The silence of my brain, and the actions that carried on into my freshman year of high school. The dangerous mentalities, and the unanswered questions, and the impulsive acts, irrational and spontaneous, remained.

The days, the days I spent doing all of my work, earning good grades, but not in honors classes, out of the fear of knowing who is in those classes, those who know my mistakes, those who know my past. My image and my reputation was wrapped around my body, like a serpent awaiting to eliminate its prey, constricting my every move, and slowly suffocating me. I remember it, I remember it well. My older brother, a senior when I was a freshman, was never

there to guide me in this once scary place we know as the first year of high school. I was on my own. My past, my past remained, and it still hung onto me. I had no guide, but I had a motive. A motive that will forever change my life, and how I perceive how precious life really is: I want to be myself, I want to do what I love, and I want to be who I really am.

The thoughts, the thoughts of the question that kept running through my mind: “How?” All of my passions, all of my interests, seen as odd, seen as abnormal, and worthy enough to disassociate from me. The one passion that I had never truly pursued, ended up being what helped me escape from my past reputation. Music. Music essentially saved my life. It was something I never thought I could pursue, but I tried it. I began to create a new image, people from the past, still perceived me as how I was back then. It was still freshman year, almost sophomore year, and I hardly spoke. I wore the same clothes, and didn’t try to speak to anyone from my middle school. My one purpose in school was to go, do work, and get good grades. I did those tasks, but I did them silently. The times I did attempt to speak, create friendships, and talk to others I did not know, I failed. I was being the same person that people from middle school perceived me as. My image remained, but I was struggling, begging, and pleading to leave the darkness, and be who I really was.

Eventually, it did happen. My passion for music, a student who was in the school’s piano program for 4 years, and co-taught for my junior year. I became myself, I became the person I wanted to be. I found my purpose and my reason to remain here on Earth. People remembered my past, but little did I know, things would change. Friendships would be healed, and created from peers who looked at me as an outcast, and not as a friend. And to all of those who still perceive me and know me from my past, there’s really nothing I can do about it, but I can be who I am now, in the moment, and now that I have crossed paths with some of those people, I hope they can see that I am not the person that they think I am, and I am not an enemy, but wanting to be a friend and fellow peer. I enrolled in AP U.S. History my Junior year, knowing darn well exactly the kind of people who could be in that class. Sure enough, I was correct. I made new friends, with people who looked down on me, and people who I was isolated from. I realized that no matter how you acted in the past, it is never too late to change your future.

No one’s future has been written yet, not even in times where things seem so definite, there is always another path that can be explored. It is only up to us, to change how we are seen and how we are perceived to others. I know that it is never too late to change things. I found my true self, and I found friendships that I thought I could have never had. I found my reason. I am so grateful for the friends I now have, and those who were willing to talk to me again, even after they have witnessed my past that I so desperately tried to escape, and break free from. If you have a passion for something, pursue it. To all of my classmates and peers, both past and present, I appreciate you all, even if we have never talked, I am grateful for everything I have received, and look forward to joyous times in the future.