This topic may be triggering for some readers. No one deserves to face such an experience and I hope anyone who has encountered a similar situation has mentally and/or physically healed.
Sexual harassment is characterized as “‘unwanted and unwelcome sexual behavior,’ ranging from sexual comments, jokes, gestures, or looks to forced physical activity.” In 1993, the American Association of University Women (AAUW) reported that 76% of all boys and 85% of all girls in grades 8-11 say that they had been sexually harassed in some manner in school. In their recent study (2006) on colleges and universities, it was reported that 62% of female students and 61% of male students have experienced sexual harassment on campus.
Sexual harassment is one of the many forms of harassment that occurs so often in many different settings. It is a topic that should not be avoided, and no one should have to feel afraid to share their story. You never expect to be in a situation until you find yourself in it. I did in May 2019.
I’ve always been pretty cautious of my surroundings and made myself aware of the things I would or could be getting myself into. However, I didn’t realize how fast these things can occur. Suddenly it happened one day after school while I was waiting for my ride. My friend thought it was the right moment and did what he had done, and I was shocked. I felt like I had forgotten how to breathe. I didn’t know what to do, what to say, I just froze.
I didn’t say yes, I didn’t say no. I went home feeling horrible, beating myself up believing that it was my fault. Why didn’t I say something? Why couldn’t I have easily just told him to stop? Why am I so bothered even though it could’ve been way worse? These questions filled my head. I kept asking myself why should I feel bad about it when other girls have gone through something more horrible.
I thought that when I woke up the next morning I would forget that memory I had, but it became the first thought of the day and would continue to linger. I didn’t feel unsafe at school because I knew my friends had my back but the last couple of days were difficult. I couldn’t focus anymore, I was sleeping during class, and all I was looking forward to was summer break. With time, I did get the situation cleared up and I eventually did start to get over it with the process of changing the route to go to my next class, surrounding myself with friends and family who have helped me become happier, and overall just picking myself back up and improving my mental health.
At the time I never really educated myself or was informed too much about the topic of sexual harassment. I had trouble identifying what sexual harassment looked like and I have learned so much along the way now with social media spreading awareness about the subject. I’ve read various stories of women AND men who shared their experiences and I thought I could also share some ways to tell if someone is uncomfortable. If anyone is ever in a situation that you don’t feel 1000% comfortable in, trust your gut and walk away from it.
Consent is strictly important because some people don’t know how to say no. Silence means no until someone gives a solid yes. Body language can also show whether someone is agreeing or not. If someone is unenthusiastic, any sexual advances should be stopped immediately. “Sure,” “it’s up to you,” and “wait, hold on” are common excuses that men and women use to avoid a situation. Follow-up questions for those phrases can be asked to ensure that consent is given, but it should be recognized when someone is hesitant about it. Sexual harassment can also occur in relationships. Just because two people are dating does not give an automatic yes to do something with the partner. No one should feel guilty for having to act comfortable, because fear can build up in a situation like this. Consent must always be given.
To those who are reading this, you are loved and cared for! Please reach out to a friend or a trusted adult if you experience or see anyone being harassed.
other ways to say no by @abbi_pennies on twitter:
- “i’m uncomfortable”
- “maybe another time”
- “i don’t want to”
- “this doesn’t feel right”
- “i don’t feel like it”
- “maybe we should wait”
- “i’m unsure”
- “i don’t want to do this anymore”
- “i don’t think so”
- “i want to leave”
- “not right now”
- “stop”
Works Cited:
Husky, Linda. "Sexual Harassment (1990s)." American Decades: 1990-1999, edited by Tandy McConnell, Gale, 2001. Gale In Context: High School, https://link.gale.com/apps/doc/EJ2346200837/SUIC?u=etiwanda_hsl&sid=SUIC&xid=819c4cd0. Accessed 21 Oct. 2020.
42 comments:
Luvly Lopez: I can't imagine how hard it must've been to write this and let alone share your story out to the public, so thank you so much for your strength and speaking not only for yourself but for those who have been silenced. I'm so sorry you had to endure that and that you blamed yourself at one point or believed you played a part in it, I promise situations like this are never your fault. I also appreciate you for taking this traumatic experience and using it for good as you give ways for people to hopefully avoid these situations and validate their claims that maybe people didn't believe before and show them that they're not alone. Thank you so much for your strength in sharing and I wish nothing but the absolute best for you.
I loved reading this because not only did you start off with what it is but you also spoke about it firsthand which isn't always the easiest thing to do so thank you for that. I also appreciate the many "other ways to say no" you included in the end. WELL WRITTEN!! -Brianna Musa
Wow! I can't express how incredibly brave you are for sharing this. There are so many that have experienced sexual harassment in some way shape or form and don't know how to approach the situation after it has occurred. Especially young girls/boys who have never encountered an experience like this before. Your story is much needed and valued.
It pains me how you went through this kind of situation and I just wanted to say that you are right about the fact it is not your fault because it really isn't. You did not ask your "friend" (hopefully not your friend anymore) to do such an horrible act on you and that was entirely their choice. I am so glad that you are trying your best to improve your mental health and surrounding yourself with the people you can trust. Continue to keep your head up and thank you for raising awareness and opening up about your struggle.
Hey Charmaine, I'm sorry that this happened to you. It's crazy how some people still think this is an ok thing to do. Thank you for sharing because we definitely need to talk about this more. I hope maybe one day our society can progress far enough so that nobody ever thinks about doing something like this to anyone else. (Jessica Huang)
Charmaine, I am so so sorry you had to experience that. Far too many women have had this experience, and there is not nearly enough awareness about it. I am so proud of you for being brave enough to share your story. You are 100% right, it is NOT YOUR FAULT! The only person at fault is the boy who did that to you. Society needs to stop teaching girls we have to protect ourselves, it is not our fault if something happens to us, it is not our fault if we aren't able to stop the horrible actions of someone else. Society needs to teach people not to commit those horrible actions. Telling girls to be careful, telling them they have to protect themselves just leads to them feeling guilt when something tragic happens to them. You should NOT feel guilty. Through writing this you are giving other girls affected by similar situations the confidence they need to build themselves back up as well. If you ever need anything, know you have so many people who will be there for you! Thank you for sharing! -Nicole Lillie
really cool how you gave us a list of things to say when we feel uncomfortable. Malachi Hawkins
I like how you gave us a list of things to say when we feel uncomfortable.Malachi Hawkins
Thank you for sharing more on this sexual harassment! We should all be more educated on different ways to say "no" and how to seek help. Thank you for your bravery upon sharing your own experience with sexual harassment. Amazing work!
Wow! This really made me so emotional, you're much stronger than you believe and I am so glad you decided to share your experience. You're truly a survivor. The reality that many people face was described so perfectly, you did not sugarcoat a single thing. You stated your raw emotions and grew the courage to even open up about this. We love you.
Wow! This really made me so. emotional, you are much stronger than you believe and I am so glad you decided to share your experience. You're truly a survivor. The reality that many people face was described so perfectly, you did not sugarcoat a single thing. You stated your raw emotions and grew the courage to even open up about this. We love you.
Thank you for being comfortable enough to share your own personal experiences with this topic. I am truly sorry for what you had to go through but you sharing this with everyone helps spread awareness and knowledge to anyone who may sadly have to face the reality that you had to. I liked the little touch at the end with the list of other ways to say no. It could be helpful to anyone who comes across it.
This was phenomenally written. I am so sorry you had to go through that and I am so happy that you survived it and are that much stronger now. Thank you for starting a conversation about such a hard topic. I am sure that wasn't easy but thanking you for sharing your story.
You're so amazing and strong for sharing this Charmaine. It is not your fault at all, you're right and you shouldn't have gone through that. I'm so sorry that you had to experience that but thank you for sharing this and for being so strong and keeping your head up. You wrote this in a way that educates readers but also reaches out to others who have experienced the same and it helps them realize they're not alone. I hope the best for you, thank you for opening up about this topic.
This is very emotional to read, Thank you for sharing about sexual harassment. Thank you for sharing your story with us, and I am so sorry that you had to go through this.
Hi Charmaine thank you for share your story with us and I am so sorry that you went through this. This was very emotional to read and you are so strong for writing this. We are here for you!-Candace Jones
This right here took a large amount of strength and I am so sorry for what happened! No person should ever go through sexual harassment and the aftermath that follows with the various amounts of emotions going through a victim. It truly is sad that the world we live in today even has to discuss this vulgar topic. Thank you for sharing your story and ways to see someone being uncomfortable and how important consent is. This was amazing and thank you fro sharing!
Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to share your experience with us. I'm so sorry this happened to you and I'm really glad you have supportive family and friends around you. You sharing your experience truly helps others because everyone who has experienced some form of sexual harassment has thought all the same questions and what they could have done different. By sharing your experience, you are helping others to realize they are not alone in this. You are so brave for sharing this and thank you for educating others on this topic who may not know as much about it.
You're amazing for sharing this): I hope and pray that you've healed since then. This made me really sad knowing that YOU went home and teared yourself up over this.. when in reality you did absolutely NOTHING wrong. Thank you for looking out for others while shedding light on such a horrible time. Thank you again!!
You are so brave! You'd never expect these horrific situations to have happened to someone by just looking at them. I'm so sorry you went through that. No one should ever feel the way you felt. Sexual harassment is real and should be taken more serious in the world. Sharing this will help those who cannot speak up out of fear or whatever they may be feeling...so thank you so much for sharing this. It takes a lot of strength.
Hi beautiful, you're so incredibly strong for sharing your experience with us. No one should ever have to have to endure this, I'm sorry that you did. I pray that you've healed from this. Your experience does not define you, are are so much more than this. You're so strong and loved. I'm sorry that you felt at fault for a moment in time, you did nothing wrong. Thank you for taking time to share your experience with us and educate us on how there's "other ways to say no." I appreciate you and you deserve the world!
Thank you for being vulnerable and comfortable enough to share this with us. I am so sorry that you had to go through this and I cannot possibly imagine what you went through. I admire you for not only sharing your story and how you had amazing friends and family to support you, but sharing even more information about sexual harassment. Not many like to believe that it can happen to men and I appreciate that you stressed that it happens to guys as well.
Thank you for sharing your story I can't even imagine the amount of strength it took for you to share this, I'm really sorry for what happened :(this is something no one should ever have to go through or beat yourself about because it's not your fault you did not wrong, I hope you have healed since then, thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story Charmaine. I am so deeply sorry for what had happened to you, no one in this world deserves to go through that. But girl trust me it was not your fault, it took me a while to realize that after my assault that it wasn't my fault. I had always blamed myself for putting myself in that situation, for not being strong enough to fight back, to talk to someone after it had happened. You Charmaine are so incredibly strong girl, thank you for sharing your story.
You are so incredibly strong for sharing this. Thank you for sharing your experience for those who may have been through similar situations. It's been incredible watching you heal, you are one of the strongest people I know. We're with you GB.
Evan Nguyen
First off, thank you for sharing this very personal story with us and I’m really sorry you had to go through that. I believe this story will help others who have gone through similar situations and remind them that it is NEVER their fault. Thank you for also sharing ways to say no and remind people that their voice matters and consent is necessary.
Kaitlin Dalisay: Charmaine, this story is truly heartfelt and I will always commend you for opening up about this topic. This piece had me speechless. Extremely well written and let the reader learn not only your story, but how to prevent a similar situation if they are ever put in one. Please know that you will always have people you can talk to and that appreciate you tremendously.
Arnold Porter Jr
I know this took a lot of guts for you to share your story. I am so very sorry that this happened to you, but I'm glad you used this situation to spread awareness towards others and to become stronger as a woman. Thank you for sharing this with us keep up that mentality of yours you will go very far in life.
Charmaine,
I truly admire you for being able to speak about such a sensitive subject. It's honestly such a shame that people look at it as some sort of 'taboo'. Things like this NEED to be talked about. Sexual harassment is everything and I'm certain that most everyone have either experienced or witnessed it happen to another person. The saddest part is that even with these alarmingly high statistics of sexual harassment, these are only those that speak out about it. There is a whole slew of men and women that have been harassed and aren't a part of the statistics. Thank you for being brave and writing about something that NEEDS attention while also giving out ways to say no.
This is really a topic that is too real in everyday life and does not get enough concern as it is worth. I can hardly begin to imagine what it must have been like to go through an experience like that, and I am so glad that you were willing to speak out about it.
Katelyn Orellana: Hi Charmaine, I know that these experiences can be very hard to talk about, I understand how you felt in the situation and time following as unfortunately I have gone through situations similar. I'm glad that you included information about this topic because as sensitive as this topic is, we should still learn how to prevent events like this to happen. Thank you for sharing with us your story because I know topics like this aren't an everyday conversation.
Your sharing of your experience is indicative of your overwhelming strength and courage. I had found it disappointing that alternatives to the word "no" may have to be used to further demonstrate that you are uncomfortable; however, you expressed something that I had not yet realized, that some individuals may not want to demonstrate their discomfort with the simple two letter word alone. For opening my eyes up to this perspective, I am eternally grateful. Likewise, when you recounted the experience of going home, the self-blame and guilt was something that had me taken aback and pained my heart. In the cases I have heard of sexual assault and sexual harassment, guilt was not one of the aspects of those recollections that I was familiar with. I believe that is ultimately my fault for not thoroughly educating myself and am thankful that you have widened my perspectives on such an issue. It is without a doubt admirable your courage. Thank you.
It is amazing of you to be able to share your story. I can't even begin to imagine how hard or scary that may be. It is incredibly important to talk about sexual harassment as we live in a patriarchy that allows and dismisses that type of behavior. I respect you for an incredible amount for being able to talk about it. You are nothing short of amazing :).
Aries Tacderan
Thank you for sharing your experience with this sensitive topic. That was very courageous of you to speak out of a situation that you felt uncomfortable in. This types of topics a lot of us should be educated in, and there is no better way of learning it then learning from someone's real life experience and how you felt. I'm sorry that this happened to you and that's great you spoke out about it. That takes takes real courage to speak. :) ~ Kayla Macasinag
Charmaine, the sharing of your story was truly brave and courageous. You may have helped someone open up about their story as well without knowing! Amazing piece, I also liked the added phrases of different ways a person is saying no".
- Dianna Villasenor
I am truly thankful that you put your story out since it allows others to recognize that they are not alone in these situations. I also loved the fact that you put other ways to say no in order for people to recognize other "no" type statements.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing about this! Even though not many people will your work, it is such an important message for everyone to hear, and not just girls! A lot of people have had similar situations to these, and it’s very for everyone to know even if someone doesn’t say no, isn’t giving consent. Even if it’s just the littlest thing, everyone should know they are not alone in any way shape or form! Amazing Work :)!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing about this! Even though not many people will your work, it is such an important message for everyone to hear, and not just girls! A lot of people have had similar situations to these, and it’s very for everyone to know even if someone doesn’t say no, isn’t giving consent. Even if it’s just the littlest thing, everyone should know they are not alone in any way shape or form! Amazing Work :)!
Savannah Fitz: Hi, Charmaine. I am so thankful that you came forward and told your story. I know how difficult it can be to share a personal account of sexual harrasment and assault. You are going out of your way to make a difference and spread awareness and I believe it will have a large impact on your readers. I love your inclusion of the statistics regarding college students. I think it is super important for us to know, considering most of us will be taking that path in life.
I relate completely when you describe feeling frozen and later angry/guilty because you did not explicitly say "no." It is so important to spread awareness that the word "no" is not the only way to express that you are uncomfortable, for this will prevent so many people from blaming themselves. You definitely did not deserve the treatment you were given, and like you said, your body language should be enough to convey that you are not consenting to sexual advances. You deserve so much credit for being vulnerable and open enough to write this, especially since it was done in such a fantastic way!
Isaac Ilano: First off I am sorry to hear that you went through this experience, but I'm glad to hear that you fought through this on your own. It sucks to hear that you went through a tragic event like this, but at the same time you were strong enough to come out with your story and let everyone know. Remember that everyone here at the E is here for you
I just want to say, you are very brave sharing your'e. All teenagers go through the same situation or worse, and keep with them for years without telling a soul. I've never been through this situation, but I've had friends who have and allowed that event to define what type person they are and effect their mental health. Your 100% correct that consent needs to always be given and social media is just one the many platform that addresses this issue, but there should also be resources like that at schools where students could come together talk about this issue.
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