"Dear Dad..." by Kaylee T

Dear Dad,
      You would think that after something so traumatizing has happened, time would slow.
But it didn’t. It’s already been nine months. You and I both know how my memory goes. I could never remember where I put my glasses or what I last ate and it took me ages to memorize my own phone number. But the funny thing is that I can so vividly pinpoint the events from the night it happened. I can replay every detail of that day in my head like a movie.
     It was my birthday. One of the most exciting days of the year, until it wasn’t. I was at school when I got a text from you. I assumed it was going to be some ridiculous GIF wishing me happy birthday or you yelling at me for forgetting to lock the door. Anything would have been better than what I had actually read. You told me that you had driven yourself to the hospital to be monitored overnight. Of course I was worried, but knowing that this has been the case of your health for the past two years, I didn’t think much of it.
     Before dinner, we came to visit you. As always, it was hard seeing you attached to a whole bunch of tubes and machines. But being the optimist I am, I stuck to a smile, kissed you goodbye, and told you I would see you when you were released the next day.
     I called to say goodnight but our conversation was basically incomprehensible over the sound of the oxygen mask you had to wear. So instead, I sent you a text and got ready for bed. It was 11:43 when Mom’s phone rang.
     We got to the hospital and they told us you were unconscious with your heart beating only due to the help of a machine. Still, even in that state, I believed you were going to be ok. I believed that a week from then, we would be sitting at home, watching basketball or the latest episode of Jeopardy. I believed that miracles happen.
     But they don’t.
     We were talking to you, hoping our words would trigger something in your brain that would wake you up so we could just go home. Then the flat line of the machine went off. The continuous beep is meant to indicate the stop of your heart but it felt like the stop of mine too.
     I remember people telling me, “At least he lived to see you turn 17.” But that wasn’t enough for me. I imagined you by my side for so many more milestones. You were meant to be sitting in the stadium as I graduate, by my side as I read my first college acceptance letter, listening to me gush about the first day at my dream job, and walking me down the aisle as I get married.
     Even though I was cheated out of these moments with you, I realized that you have never really left my side. I hear your voice in my head every time I struggle to make a decision and see the face you would make whenever I do something stupid (but don’t hold it against me if I still end up getting a tattoo). Although not here physically, you continue to guide me in everything I do and might I add that you're doing a pretty great job because I have never felt more confident in myself or in my future than I do now.
     In these past nine months, my memory hasn’t gotten any better but I can proudly say that I have. It’s hard for me to put into words what I have felt or how I have grown exactly. All I

know is that I still forget my glasses, I still forget to lock the doors, and I can not for the life of me remember which light switch goes to which. But my memory comes and goes. The one thing that will never leave me is you. 

Love always,
your ​favorite d​aughter (: