The bell rang. She scurried along
past the tiara-wearing sissies and the smelly boys towards Her favorite part of
each and every day. She stood at the edge of the playground. To the left, the
girls merciless pounded an innocent yellow ball into a concrete wall. To Her right, the boys engaged in a game of
four-square with an endless queue of children following. The rest lay scattered
all around the place that she called “school”. Despite all of the activity, she
continued peering past the little girl complaining that Her shirt is not pink
enough and the little boys and girls betting about who could stick their finger
farthest up their nose. The treasure she sought sat in the corner of the yard
under the biggest ash tree. The only spot in the whole yard where the soft
light could only touch the tips of his brown head and would shield him from the
hot kisses of the sun. Dashing past the long line of ash trees towards the
biggest and best tree. She heard the leaves of each of the trees start its
light hum as they slowly began their organized dance. Seeing him in his
favorite Ninja Turtle Shirt, with all four of his favorite green mutant guys,
and his light-up sketchers was Her favorite sight of the day. With a little
twig in hand, he drew into the dirt changing the ground into a platform of
imagination. He looked up and his big smile snuck its way all into the corner
of Her heart and seeped through every part of Her. He is Her best friend. Some
days, when the sun decided to share its warm rays, they would play as pirates,
ninja turtles, or bankrobbers. Other
days the two of them would go to the playground, littered with tiny
booger-nosed children, and chase the screaming pink shirts with the iridescent
critters that loved the bright summer sun. She enjoyed the days when they would
sneak past the stuffy nosed proctor to the end of the big green field. There
they could see the sheep that lived beyond the gated fence and even beckon them
over to eat the few pieces of grass and vegetation that they plucked from the
ground.
Today
was one of those days. He sat on his knees offering the wary sheep the greens
that he found to it. It approached slowly, examining his hand and the delicious
treats the hand held intently before each step. The sheep drew close enough to
eat out of his hand and munched quietly amongst the silence of the two. When
the sheep finally saw the little pink hand of the boy, he ran off and the two
sat. The little boy leaned back hoping that he could let the sun cover him, but
the sun thought the opposite. The sun hid behind the giant dark cloak and
everything turned pale and cold.
The
grass was no longer green, the little brat’s shirt was no longer pink, and the
innocent ball was no longer yellow. Everything and everyone was a pale shade of
gray. The little boy tugged at Her arm gesturing to something on the other side
of the gated fence; a little blonde haired boy wearing an overcoat staring at
them with beady eyes. The little boy muttered something, looked to his right,
and a woman appeared next to him. The woman held a hand out, smiled at the
little boy, and listened to his low words. The little boy lifted one nubby
finger at the two at the other side of the fence; the woman’s shining eyes
followed his little finger and the woman’s smile faded like morning dew when
the woman’s two eyes met their four. The woman’s hushed and hurried words did
not alarm the fascinated little boy. The little boy looked at the pair in awe,
spoke something again, and looked up to the woman for an answer. The day grew
even darker and colder. The boy in the ninja-turtle shirt and the light-up
sketchers began to disappear, along with the sheep, the grass, the playground,
and the school. The only light shone on the little boy and the woman at the
other end of the gated fence. The woman looked to the right and spoke hurried
words. The woman’s arms flailed and eyebrows creased and the woman motioned to
Her. A man came and stood beside the woman. The cold became icy and burning.
The
woman’s voice became audible as she whispered, “What have you done?”
“Yes,
Dad. Why is that lady in the room like that?” The little boy questioned.
“Ah…
yes… You see, son, only God can fix everything that is messed up with people. Until
the day comes when he decides to come and take care of us, we must do whatever
we can, whenever we can to ensure that people’s lives are saved. My dear son,
sometimes, we must use whoever we
can.”
The
little boy nodded intently, seemingly understanding what the man had told him;
but the man’s eyes remained fixated on Her. A buzzing sound replaced the man’s
voice and the dim cackling light replaced the warm sun.
“Yes.
Sometimes that whoever is a crazy
lady, but it’s all in the name of science. Right?” He said with a sweet smile.
“Goodnight, my dear.”
Once
again, the light faded, the woman’s scared face faded, the little boy who
smiled as his father faded, and her world twisted and turned and plunged into
darkness, from which she’d never awake.
20 comments:
The beginning of this piece was breathtaking. I had a huge smile on my face caused by the powerful images in my head. I could see the whole playground, the kids, and the little boy. You did an incredible job of painting these images. The end confused me completely. I don't really understand what happened. I'm assuming the girl is in a hospital and her reality is created for her or something, I'm not entirely sure but nice writing either way.
This is the perfect embodiment of a childhood crush. Brought me back to my childhood. I love how you described the trees, I too would hind under the shade of tree when I was little and it brought back good memories.
I love this story! There is so much amazing detail and that plot twist on the end is great. I love your description of the school environment because I could picture myself back in elementary school. Great job!
It's no coincidence that the diction of this piece had me fully engaged. Not only do you write with so much detail and imagery that allows me to fully visualize whats going on but you always have this very intelligent point of view on things. This goes not only for this piece but for the way you speak during class discussions as well. You always give input that allows me to look at things from a different perspective. Absolutely great work.
Breathtaking, just breathtaking. I loved it!!! Your imagery throughout the whole piece captivated me fondly. I appreciated the shift in the piece when the colors faded to gray. I felt that my color and emotions turned from all light-hearted and bright to emotionless and dull too. In honesty, I had to read the piece three times making sure, I was fully taking in and understanding the shocking reality. In addition, this piece genuinely makes me want to read and know more! Amazing piece!
This story was quite well executed to get to that final intense ending. You very accurately gradually increased the suspense and the mystery with in it also perfectly made the story quite amazing. The vivid imagery you combined with ambiguous elements worked very well. So the the reader connected to the story but also had to work to figure out what happened to Her.
This story was so well written! The imagery you used throughout really submerged me into the story and kept me captivated throughout. I love how you included an omniscient point of view, being that this added to the ambiguity and mysterious aspect of the story. The way that you never gave 'Her' an actual name was also an interesting choice. Good job at bringing a darkness and mysteriousness to common childhood memories.
-Kyla Hardy
This story was so well written! The imagery you used throughout really submerged me into the story and kept me captivated throughout. I love how you included an omniscient point of view, being that this added to the ambiguity and mysterious aspect of the story. The way that you never gave 'Her' an actual name was also an interesting choice. Good job at bringing a darkness and mysteriousness to common childhood memories.
The narrative and descriptive style of your piece made me feel as if I were in her current situation. At first, I thought "Her" was capitalized because it was a typo. By the end of the piece, I understood the importance of "Her". Your writing was compelling and mysterious, and it made me want to read more. Good job!!
There's something about the way that this piece is written that makes it so appealing. You don't use these huge words that nobody knows the definitions to, but your sentence structure and story-telling format makes the story captivating. I'm honestly not entirely sure what the meaning of the story is, but my puzzlement kept me engaged and left me with these burning questions. Is the girl's life all an illusion? Who's the boy she was with? Who is the lady that is referred to?
I really enjoyed this! The detail really made me feel like I was sitting at my elementary school which I really enjoyed. I also really liked how easy it was for me to connect with the characters and how well the story was written! The end did confuse me a little bit but I think it also made me want to read more. Overall, Great Piece!
BRAVO. I loved this so much, and i wish there was more. I felt like I was there on the playground, under the tree, by the fence. I found it interesting that at the beginning I assumed that 'she' was a little girl and we were watching through a child's eyes, but at the end, the man refers to her as a 'crazy lady', showing the audience that these are simply memories, and that she is being studied for the sake of humanity (Ironic because testing someone unwilling doesn't sound very human to me.) Overall amazing job!!!
I absolutely enjoyed this piece you really caught my attention with the simplicity of the start and gave me something to relate to in that "She" was different than the rest as I was and kept me reading. Also with the complexity at the end you will keep me thinking about your piece until I figure it out and I love when that happens especially with such a great piece.
I loved every word of your story! The imagery really had me back on the playground I used to play on in elementary school. I also really liked the shift at the end. I got so confused as to what was going on and why everything was turning dark. This was overall, a really well-written and amazing story! Great work, and thank you for sharing!
This piece was like a roller coaster with the steepest dive, putting you terribly upside down, and at in a position to throw up. That was me reading this multiple times! I loved the attention to detail which helped to imply that it was a typical day for the characters and helped to immerse me into the story. "Today was one of those days" is a line that added to this, before placing you at the top of the ride and get the negative feeling in your gut! I did a double take and had to reread the second paragraph multiple times as I continued on the next. The lack of a name given to "Her" made it so relatable to any reader who has felt the same about a person but also explained later what had occurred in the surprise shift. I really enjoyed this piece!
I really enjoyed the plot twist in this story. At first, I felt warm and happy being able to reminisce on how being a child on the playground with "tiara-wearing sissies and the smelly boys" was like. But then there was a shift not only in the tone but the actual atmosphere in the poem as well and I really liked that! There was something that kept drawing me in further and further, craving to know who those people on the other side of the fence were. Overall, your story was eerie and mysterious and had me captivated the entire time with all your detailed descriptions.
Holy moly !! I know you asked me to read it before you published it, but it got better and better with every read. I absolutely love this story, Jaiden. The ending is vague, but the good sort of vague. The sort that leaves a reader wondering, "What the heck did science do to this poor woman?!" I love this story so so much. You had ya girl reminiscing about feeding those goats behind our school with your A1 vivid imagery of the play yard. Every word was so beautiful.
Wow Jaiden, this was amazing! This piece was written so well and I was glued to each word I read. You were very descriptive and that was what really captivated me into the story. I admit I was a little confused when a sheep showed up, and I’m still not quite sure what the meaning to this piece was. But, I really loved it because it gave me “Get Out” vibes, with the dad controlling what she sees and basically Her whole life it seems. I was just waiting for the dad to tap on a tea cup and tell Her to sink!
Wow, the imagery used made me reminisce back to my elementary school and play the events over in my head like a movie. An interesting story you have put together, I look forward to reading more of your work.
This is truly a wonderful story that had me captivated from the beginning all the way to the end. The way you told it and the imagery you used was like I was seeing it happening in front of me. I wasn't sure the reason why you only referred to the protagonist as "Her", but I feel that it helped to create a sense of mystery that was present throughout. It was the shift and plot twist at the end that sold the story to me as I wasn't really expecting it at all. I'm a fan of a good shock during a story and you really set up a great one in yours. You did a great job at creating a fantastic story.
- Justin Presto (Per.1)
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