Find the shape and tell it!
Monday, December 7, 2015
"Discovery in the Dark" by Brianna B
It was a bright morning. The air smelt like cherry blossoms and amber wood. A young
man, about the age of 22, went on a boat ride. Jorge was a member of a hiking club and
traveled the world. As Jorge climbed, he would write in his journal his experience of each step of
the way. Jorge loved to climb until one day a tragedy occurred.
His club left and forgot to tie up the boat. He tied off the club’s boat and headed towards
the cliffs and a very vast mountain. He read articles about what happens when climbing this
mountain and wanted to see for himself. Jorge knew that no one live to tell what was behind the
cloud, but him being a daredevil, he decided he would climb. As he climbed higher, it began to
darken. Jorge was in no fear. He slowly climbed higher but his stomach turned like a screw
being screwed into a wall as he noticed it started to go pitch black. When he looked down he
saw light and complete fog. Jorge questioned himself, “What could this horrid darkness be
from?” He heard crackling and got nervous. He reached for his bright light that miners would
use and placed the light on his head. He continued on climbing but was petrified from what he
had heard. What was it that he heard?
About 10 minutes passed. It was pitch black and below was bright almost like a diamond
ring having light shined on it. Jorge stopped and asked himself, “Do I give up and climb down or
climb a little further?” Jorge made the senseless decision of continuing on to climb. He feels a
warm sensation at his shoulder and turns around to see a another male because there was a
cabin on the mountain and Jorge is confused. The male looks at Jorge, smiles with blood
dripping along with sharp teeth, pushes Jorge and says, “Goodbye.” Jorge falls into the fog and
smacks the floor at instant death. Who took Jorge on a joy ride? A man or creature?
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14 comments:
I loved the imagery throughout the piece.The way the cherry blossoms and amber woods were described and how the darkness enclosed around Jorge. I wish I knew what was up in the mountain and what the creature was!
I like how you incorporated smilies such as "his stomach turned like a screw". It really gave the story great imagery. And to end the story off with the mystery of it either being a man or creature makes the audience just want to read more to find out! Great job :)
I love the eerie feeling of this piece given by your imagery. The end really questions your sense of security and causes fear. The vastness you describe gives a creepy lonesome mood.
I like how the story had a bit of a backstory and now I'm left wondering what the creature was and what was he hiding in the darkness.
-Jazmine Hernandez
Period 4
Great story! It was suspenseful and kept me hooked the whole time! Also good imagery and detail. I loved how you described the setting of the story!
-Victoria Ervin
Period 1
The plot of your story was awesome and I really liked it. I liked how you described the teeth with blood dripping it made it feel very ominous and mysterious. The cliffhanger (no pun intended) was a really captivating way of ending the story.
Your descriptions are great and the inner dialogue was good, too. I loved the ending and how it seemed to come out of nowhere.
p5
This story really makes me wonder how terrifying it must be to climb mountains alone. The twist at the end really shocked me and left me thinking. Good job!
Michael Dingle
Period 5
What?!! Your piece was great. Especially in the very beginning when you used such vivid imagery. It was almost like I was actually there. I loved the way you made the story so suspenseful. That plot twist really had me thinking though. I'm still trying to figure out, what or who pushed him off the ledge and why?
PD.5
Kayla Weathers
This story went from a fun adventurous man exploring to an instant tragedy! It was crazy. I didn't expect that to happen at all. But good job making it creepy.
I really really liked this. It was short and sweet. I liked your writing style a lot and how the events played out. The ending was sudden, but it fit in well with the overall tone of the story. Well done!
-Dulce
P.2
From the cherry blossoms to the amber woods, the use of vivid, descriptful imagery set the tone throughout the entirety of the piece. The writing style was short, yet sweet leading to an abrupt ending that fit the work as a whole. Awesome job!
The way you started with a great amount of imagery was great. I liked that most. However I did get lost in the poltergeist of the story, I was a bit confused as to what happened between him climbing mountains and then something with his crew. But overall it was a good story especially the way you ended it with a mystery. Leaving us to guess and wonder about the man or creature.
I like this piece, so much repition. Although it did scare me because my name is Jorge too.The piece was good, although at some points I kept getting lost, but the imagery you gave really set a good setting. Good job on this piece.
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