This place is a hell to me. I hate it here. “Honey,
aren’t you hungry? Why aren’t you eating?” What a deplorable woman. Sitting at
this dinner table with this new family, with “Mom” and “Dad”, feels like I am
being mocked. Here I am given the sensation that I am in a dollhouse. Blond Barbie,
with a perfectly trimmed pink dress, is sitting on the opposite side of the
table from my own figure. At the head of the table is Ken, a man with a strong
jawline and a sculpted chest. Both have perfect white smiles painted on their
perfectly symmetric faces. There is no reason to be that happy all the time. Pain
and resentment are the only effects of those dazzling smiles. All around are
decorations; oven, TV, couch, and even video games. Distracting for a time,
yes, but they never replace what is lost. Everything
plastic, everything fake. When will Mommy pick me up from this place and
take me home? When will Dad call me outside to play catch again? In the back of
my mind I knew they were never coming back, but refused to accept it. One
dreadful month has already crept on by since the day my beloved parents chose
the cold, clammy hands of Anubis, Yama, and the Shinigami over mine. These hands
which were so full of warmth and life at that time were left empty that day
with nothing to call their own. These beautiful creatures that cared for me and
loved me were snatched away in an instant. Why did they have to leave? The
police said the crash killed them instantly, as if that would make me feel any
better. Idiots. That isn’t something you should tell a 13 year old. My
wandering mind snapped back to the dinner table. “How was school today, son?”
It sucked Ken, thanks for asking. I vehemently refused to answer any of their
inquiries and resolved myself as to not make any eye contact with the
strangers. The tiny trees on my plate were my only friend at the moment. My
only amusement was pushing the dark green objects back and forth on the plate.
“May I be excused?” The first commentary the pseudo couple has heard from me
all afternoon. Mom looks up, stunned,
and responds with “S-sure thing dear, just put your plate in the sink and I’ll
take care of it.” I didn’t take a second look back as I bolted up the stairs.
My room wasn’t my destination: it was theirs. I rummaged through the drawers
looking for my ticket out of this place. Damn, they hid money like politicians.
I increased my pace in search for the green 1 way. I froze. “What is this?” I
asked shakily out loud, apparently to the ghost in the room. How could Ken and
Barbie have baby photos including all three of us? My real parents are dead. Right?
28 comments:
Ivan, if you saw my facial expression after I finished reading the story, I promise you would've laughed so hard. I mean.... TALK ABOUT PLOT TWISTS. This story was well written, had brilliant imagery, and the tone of the story was conveyed successfully too. I thought it was particularly clever that you wrote down the names of the gods of death from different cultures. I already found my self wondering, what happened to the kid's parents, and then you dropped the whole "picture scene" into the equation. I'm not even going to lie, I definitely spent a solid 15 minutes creating theories about everything that could've happened in the situation. Anyway, it was a really awesome story. Great job!
Ivan, this story is one of the best that I have seen all year! The extended metaphor about Barbie dolls and Ken made the entire story seem more tangible, and made the lack of real emotion all the more prominent. Your description of the family as "plastic" fit perfectly in the context of your metaphor, solidifying the isolation and lack of connection that the child felt toward his apparently" fake family. This combined with a sense of suspense and a touch of horror to fit the season, as well as a twist ending that keeps the reader interested and guessing until the very end made this story a very entertaining and enjoyable read.
Ivan, I loved this story I was filled with like 90 emotions but I'll just talk about a couple. As I read I was laughing, then sad for the kid, then shocked at the end. When that plot twist came my face was puzzled then after a moment I was like oh snap. This was truly terrifying because a lot of us have become fake and sadly so have parents but what can we do to stop the spread of this? Your use of allusions to the doll house was spot on and really brought the story to life. Great job and I expect more stories like this in the future, loved your story.
Alright Ivan, this was just wow. When I started reading this I was hooked, and I didn't want to stop reading it. You continuously wrote in a sarcastic, bitter tone when you described everything that happened. I love how you alluded to Ken and Barbie throughout the entire narrative. It gave me a better idea of what you were going for with this. I even felt empathy for the character. I'm stuck wondering what really happened to his "real parents" but it was a good way to end your story. It wouldn't have had such a strong emotional effect on me if you didn't.
This piece is very well written and made for a very enjoyable read. I also love the way you depict the “plastic” life that the author lives with Barbie and Ken as it serves to emphasize the author’s resentment towards his new family. Your use of diction also helped in conveying the author’s emotions, as much of the connotations of the words you used (“deplorable”, “dreadful”, etc.) brought about emotions of anger and sadness. Most of all, I also enjoyed the twist at the end of the piece. The narrator spent his entire experience hating those he thought were merely adoptive parents and grieving over his biological parents, when in reality, the situation may have been reversed and his biological parents were with him that entire time.
Danielle Delgado
Period 1
11/05/2014
Amazing story! Not only was this story well-written, but it also kept my attention right up until the end. From start to finish, the piece was well-thought out and revealed the little dystopian universe within the confines of the character's mind and their unfortunate situation. I also really enjoyed that the reader doesn't actually know whether the narrator is reliable in explaining whether the intentions of the "mom" and "dad" Awesome job!
Isabelle Huynh
Per.1
Dang. This story is amazing. The twist at the end really surprised me, and I definitely liked the allusions the mythological figures associated with death, such as Anubis, Yama, and Shinigami. The start of the story hooked me instantly and I honestly don't know how to feel about the speaker's "fake" parents and "fake" house. This story really made me think about the fate of the speaker's parents and if there were even real parents to begin with. The ambiguity in this story truly makes it worth the month of October. Good work!
You. Left. A. Cliffhanger. I hate cliffhangers. But this one actually worked really well, letting the reader choose what happens next instead of you, the author, telling us what this kid does next. Hiding the money like politicians actually made me crack a smile; you had some really snarky lines in this story, which I like. And this deal with fake parents...I just love this story a lot. Truly amazing.
-Cristina Sanchez
This story captured my full attention from the beginning to end. I wish the ending was a ending and not a erupt halt, but it served its purpose well! And the fake parents! All of the characters are so believable; their descriptions brought them to life, and the small under tones of humor here and there really added to the overall shock value. Truly a wonderful and weird but unforgettable story.
-Katelynn Gutierrez p.4
This is one of the best October submissions I've read! Ivan, you captured my attention right from the beginning and the plot twist serves to make the reader keep questioning "OKAY what happens NEXT?" Your story has a good amount of ambiguity and this is what makes the story worth reading. Good job! :)
Simran Bajwa
Period 1
Hi Ivan! I really enjoyed reading your piece. My favorite part of all of this was just the way you captured the main character's feelings of isolation and resentment for his "plastic" life. Even the small details, like calling his guardians "Barbie and Ken" added to the irony that unfolds at the end with the cliffhanger. The fact that your character spends so much time resenting his new family and then discovers that it may be his real one is such a plot twist and makes your piece amazing overall. It reminded me of the book "The Face on the Milk Carton" which is about a girl who comes upon a missing person flyer on the side of a milk carton while she eats her breakfast with her "family" and then realizes that it's her picture on the carton. Your piece is such a mystery. I really loved it. Good job!
WOW! Ivan I cannot even express my thoughts into words & even begin to explain how much I am in LOVEEEEEEE with your tiny story. At first I was deceived into believing that this kid was facing hardships dealing with his foster family but then I read the end and that was such a cliff hanger……Such a jaw dropper! I really loved the way your story was structured and the storyline itself was so unique and well developed. The diction and imagery presented helped to further develop a connection to the story! I would like to request a continuation to this story because I really want to know more. I honestly cannot stress enough how much I love your story. FANTATIC JOB IVAN, I applaud you.
Wow. Right off the bat I love how the story starts off with a disgusted child that hates to accept reality and how love is always an option. But also your use of symbolism with Yamo, the God of Death, Anubus, the Egyptian god that resembles the after life and mummification and along with the Japanese angels of death, Shinigamis which right away told me that the child's parents have perished. But how at the end that was an amazing plot twist. Great work as always Ivan.
Period 1
Ok. This story is so twisted. Your story really does describe a confused teenager. I loved how you described the parents sitting at the dinging table. It was honestly a surprising story. Especially at the end. The diction and imagery. It's beautiful.
Ivan, great job in creating a shocking scenario for the reader. I really liked how you made the reader believe that this kid was going through a tough situation in foster care, but then switched it up to reveal this shocking revelation about his parents. Your use of imagery, symbolism, and allusions to prior knowledge creates an eerie and depressed undertone of emotional conflict. The way you presented the story made me feel as if I were there experiencing the events play out with the speaker. The story was great overall!
-Sophia Bobadilla P.1
Wow Ivan! This story had me guessing the entire time and then that ending just took me by surprise. I really loved your use of sarcasm and your references to Barbie and Ken to emphasize how disingenuous the couple was. Although I really hate cliffhangers, the story was very well developed and so mysterious that my eyes were glued to the screen the entire time. This was such an original piece and I really enjoyed reading it!
I liked the story overall; I enjoyed the plot twist, it's something they'd put in one of Ron Howard's thought provoking movies. However, I felt that there should be more development in the reveal of relationship the child had with his previous parents. I think that would allow the reader understand more what the child felt, and ultimately have a greater impact on the ending twist!
this was an amazing story with stuff that makes you appreciate stuff you have before there gone , and the plot twist at the end had me speechless and very shocked, in a good way overall i loved the story, and only thing i think should be added would be more back story, but it doesn't matter because it was a great story anyways .
-Nicholas Canez
Wow, yeah okay can you say plot twist? This reminds of the show on MTV called Finding Carter, where a girl realizes purely by chance that the woman she called mom for her entire life actually ended up being her abductor. This piece incorporates great imagery and allows teenagers to be able to relate to the main character of the piece, mainly because teenagers constantly experience dislike for their parents. This gives the reader the impression that the main character is mainly resentful towards his parents, but later this is contradicted when he expresses his grief over the death of his real parents. Finally, the readers are shocked when it is revealed that the "fake" parents were actually the real parents the whole time. Great job Ivan!
Let me just say your piece was mind blowing! I honestly thought this was going to be about the teen being an ungrateful brat, however the shift at the end was shocking. By describing the parents as Barbie and Ken really emphasized the fact that this kid does not see them as his actual "parents". Overall, it was a really great piece! Keep up the great work buddy.
This was a very well written piece showing us that there are always hidden reasons to why a person could be acting the way they are, in this situation the parents that were so fake in a sense. Overall this was a great piece to write very good job.
-Gabriel Borrego
period 4
Ivan i loved your story i thought you did a very good job describing everything in the middle of your story i was getting confused of what was occurring but then i figured it out there were a couple of plot twist that happened and i really liked it cause it made it interesting and made it much better i also liked how you described barbie and ken as your parents that made me laugh a lot anyways good job loved your story
Omid Raziani
Period 4
I really enjoyed your story. It was very eye catching and I like how descriptive you were. You were able to catch the attention of the reader and keep them interested throughout your entire piece. The last line in your piece gives it a very eerie feeling and gives it a very ominous tone. I really liked your piece good job!
-Alyssa Anastasi
Madi Cordura P.1
IVAN THIS IS AMAZING!!! I absolutely love this. I love how you added slight humor thoughout the piece. And my favorite part was when you said they hid money like politicians, that was hilarious. You have so much talent! I never wanted to stop reading. I love how you made the speaker someone who we could relate to, because we as teenagers definitely have some defiant traits in us and I love how he was so against everything about this new family... Or is it a new family!?
I also love how at the end he realizes that they may even be his real parents, and the ones who he had thought were real, may turn out to be liars! It reminds me of the TV show series 'Finding Carter'.
I love this! :)
Okay I need more of this! I really enjoyed how the "parents" were described as Ken and Barbie to make them seem so perfect yet fake and how they were so eager to tend to the boy and make him happy. The structure of the piece really complemented it because it made the reader feel as though he/she was listening to the boy's thoughts in the same instant and in the same manner as they go through him. I love the ending...talk about plot twist... Really good job.
Diana Padilla
period 1
From the beginning of the story, I was a little awkward because of how it made the speaker stuck in a plastic world and how creepy it would be. The structure was thought-provoking when the author revealed the speaker's real parents were dead. The overall elements are unique because the author describes normal problems of - between his parents and himself to turn into a creepy tale. Great writing and hope to read more soon!
-Andrew Trinidad
Period 1
Ivan, This piece was amazing. The intro was very intriguing and just pulled me in. I wanted to keep reading more and more and when i finally got to the end i was upset it was over. I think you did a good job of describing both the emotions and experiences of the 13 year-old-boy. Great work!
Leasia Spicer
Period 4
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