Find the shape and tell it!
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
"What I Once Had" by Emon R
I still think of you. Even though you're gone, far away from this corruption we once lived
in. I still talk to you… with words that I know will never reach you. I still dream, of that night.
The night you were upset, discontent with me. The night I tried to make it up to you. The night I
lost you.
I took you out, to make you happy and see the beautiful smile on your face. A smile that
any man wo uld die waiting for . The apartment was silent, yet that silence was quickly disrupted
by the sound of your trembling voice. The voice that had but one request. You pleaded me not to
drink. Not to let go of the little control I had left, but my ignorance got the best of me. Soon
enough, you agreed to my groundless reasoning and I took you out. We drove to the bar and at
that time, I thought I was doing it all for you, to make you not hate me, to make you forget the
past. To make amends for what I’ve done. Yet, I was only doing it for myself. I was drinking to
get my mind off the fear of losing you.
It was two in the morning. I had lost all of my control. The bar closed and we were
outside in front of my car and again, your voice quiv ered, with worry, pain, sorrow . The taxi line
down the street was seemingly endless, so I gently reached for the keys in my right pocket. My
vision was now bleared and your admirable appearance was practically gone, I still could only
hear the jitters in your voice. I don’t know if this was a curse or a blessing, but I convinced you
to get in the car so we could get home. To my remembrance, I could hear the sound of the
clinking keys as I started the engine of the car. The aftermath was all faint. But now I know, that
you never made it home. We never made it back to our small apartment outside of town and I
never got to hear your voice again. I’m hospitalized now, and nothing more than a paralyzed
man . My body is lies here, with no function, and all I am left with are my inner thoughts. Yet, I
still choose to think of you, and only you. It’s ironic, how the fear of losing you, made me lose
everything. Now that you’re gone, I realize that I was never the one for you, yet you always
stuck by my side. The curiosity kills me, to understand why you never left. Why you were
always there. Why you would give up everything for me. Your discontent came from the way I
acted, and you stuck with me, thinking I would change back to the same guy you met two years
ago. But I didn’t. And that ended up taking your life. Everyday I tell myself the same story,
hoping you’re listening. And yet, I regret to say that it’s meaningless. Because every time I tell
the story, everytime I scream your name with guilt, and everytime I cry myself to sleep.... it’s
just a reminder of what I once had. What we… once had.
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49 comments:
Holy guacamole Emon. This story was AMAZING. You had me hooked from the start, from the very first line to the very last. The message behind this piece was so deep and the story itself is so meaningful. I love how you used visual imagery and auditory imagery because all these little details really brought the whole story together. I couldn't stop myself from reading it after your title caught my eye. Fantastic work!
Your story is unique, when I was reading it it felt nonlinear, vague, and abstract. With the usage of these techniques the story was pretty immersive and I wanted to know more about the characters and the settings of it, your usage of a cliffhanger kept me on edge and wanting more. Great job!
Your story is so heartfelt and tragic. The writing made it feel so realistic and at first I thought you were describing yourself but ones further in the story, I realized it was total fiction. Your tone and structure made it feel as if you were the narrator, a distressed man who's lost the women he loves most. Lovely job and beautiful story.
You honestly depict such a commonly talked about situation and made it amazingly beautiful through your unique take and writing. I'm honestly surprised by how well written and emotionally raw this story was. It's so realistic and the way you make the story a flashback emphasizes how the speaker reflects on it so much, and if I didn't know you myself I would've thought it was a true story as told by a drunk driver. Your story is amazing and the emotion expressed in it is very well written, good job.
This was a very unique piece!You used various forms to capture your readers attention, two of which were repetition and imagery. This piece really spoke to me personally and I was happy that you spoke out about it because often times these social issues are hidden by society because they are negative. But, if these issues are never discussed they will never be resolved. I also like that this story had me hooked since the very beginning because of such a ambigouos beginning.
Wow, your piece caught my attention right from the start. As soon as I started reading I had to keep going. Your syntax was great, by using such emotional and descriptive words it made the story even more tragic. Nice job, Emon!
This pice truly played on the readers emotions from the start. You did an amazing job of capturing the readers attention straight from the start. The images created and the emotions evoked do are incredible. This piece seems to have been written based off personal and true first hand experience. Great job at creating a realistic and quality work. Keep up the keep writing! I would love to see more.
This story was so well written. Your use of imagery, flashback, and overall emotion was so cohesive and brought the story to life. The tragedy of it all was amazing and it demonstrated your attention to detail as the writer. Great job!
Not gonna lie, your story got feeling emotional and interested as the story got deeper. From the start to the finish, it felt like it was a narrative about a man who lost a women he loved. Your use of words and emotion you put into this piece made it a one of a kind. Thanks for sharing your piece!
Wow, this was an amazing piece. It serves as a great reminder to never drink and drive or enter the car of someone who had been drinking. The repetition used really emphasized the pain the pain the character felt and the imagery helped me understand and feel that same pain. Your ability to capture his pain and regret really impressed me, great job.
This is such a beautiful piece, so well written and so deep with emotion. I love the intense description of every emotion the main character felt throughout the entire piece from intense love to intense regret and guilt in the end. The flow of the piece and every emotion really brought the whole piece together so well done.
I honestly can relate to the key factors of this story. I was never able to put these into the words that you had just demonstrated.I never knew you felt this way to Emon! Such an amazing piece with so much meaning and emotion throughout.
Wow Emon, this piece is very touching. I remember once, you told us as at our club about this person and we felt a very heartfelt serenity to you. At one point, one of us said, we should cover that. I can't imagine the pain and sorrow you had to go through and I wish you the best of luck and privilege. Great piece!
"It’s ironic, how the fear of losing you, made me lose everything." This is my favorite line from this, it is so powerful! This sad tale is written so beautifully, I love how detailed it is.
This piece was so sad, but very effective! I even teared up a little reading it! It was very tragic, but an amazing story and the imagery is great. It was easy to picture the story and the sadness the narrator was going through as he told his story. The piece also had a message showing how people should treasure what they have before they lose it. It did a great job conveying this message and showing readers reality. Great job!
I'm such a sucker for love stories, so I loved this piece of writing! Your detail throughout the story was amazing, it made me feel like I was right beside you seeing and feeling what was happening. At first I thought this was a personal story, then by the end I realized it was fictional. I love your imagination that was used to write this story, Great Job!
This piece was entertaining to say the least. It captures emotions within us that are sometimes difficult to explain. A tragic story like this is difficult to bear with but they teach us how to cherish people close to us. This piece was brimming with emotion and detail. Overall, it was a great read. - Jerico Dizon
This was not only a well written piece, but also a lesson and reminder to many youth today which I enjoyed and appreciated. You were able to send a clear and valuable message to the readers and the first person point of view made it even more inspiring and emotional. Thank you for writing this Emon, it was a powerful and touching read!
Honestly, this is one of my favorite pieces by far. The beginning of your writing is a fantastic intro to your story which pulled me into the reading. Your piece really taught a deep, meaningful, and heartfelt message and I realized that we should cherish what we have before it's gone. Your use of imagery really helped convey the message, helped get a better picture of what was going on. Honestly, extraordinary job. I really enjoyed the story.
I really enjoyed this piece. It is very deep and expressed a great message to everyone who is reading your piece.thank you for sharing this piece I loved it! Good work
I loved the message you gave through this story to remind others of the risks they are taking when they aren't cautious of their actions. This was a unique, yet well written piece and the mood had a strong sense of regret along with deep sorrow. For a short story this was a very eventful and well descripted, great work!
This was really well written. You're use of first person point of view really made me feel like I was the one in the story. It was very heartfelt and tragic and had such a big impact even though its a short story. The message was very meaningful and emotional. Great Job!!!
My goodness this is such a wonderful work. You had me wishing that there was more to this story, as I didn't want it to end. The way your use of diction caused me to feel emotions beyond my comprehension was truly amazing. For a short story, you really made sure you made every word count. Every word perfectly found its place within every sentence, and that's what really made the tone of this story extremely powerful to readers such as myself. Keep up the good work!
I was really interested in this piece right when I saw the title, and the content did not disappoint. The feelings of depression and sorrow and nostalgia are easy to see and the story flowed greatly. I also like how you didn't make the narrator out to be this perfect person who only wanted the best for their loved one, but as someone with deep flaws just like anyone else. The overall message was great too, stating that no matter how strong of a hold you have on a loved one, that grip you have can still be broken by the most unexpected things. Amazing job.
This story completely had me hooked from the title. This was very well done as I was interested from beginning to end. The use of description and story telling abilities were very well done. Overall this was a really good piece, good job.
Emon that was so beautiful, simultaneously a lot to take in and great job with the overall tragedy, because despite it having a sad connotation, I couldn't take my eyes of it, until I was finished. To know that your actions caused the death or a disturbance to a loved one correlates to my actions, despite the death part and how my regrettable actions impacted someones else's life by my wrongdoings and mishap. Great piece??? P.S I cried a little
Emon this story is absolutely beautiful! This piece flowed so effortlessly and I kept finding myself reading faster and faster because the buildup and anticipation of the story was killing me. The details you used allowed me to visualize the entire story as I followed along, and the way you wrote this in first person perspective utilizing the words "I" and "you" gives it a much more personal feel. You have an unbelievable writing talent and I hope to read more pieces from you in the future.
This piece was a roller coaster from the beginning to the end. it really makes you think, and brings about awareness as to how dangerous drinking and driving is, and how you can literally lose everything over one dumb choice. your use of imagery made this piece that much better, and that bit more realistic to where it was almost scary, really good job overall!
This piece was full of so much emotion that I found myself being pulled further into this story. Your use of tone and the perspective you chose to write this piece in truly aided in developing a story that allowed the reader to connect on a personal level and feel the emotions of the narrator. I liked how this story brought about the issue of drinking and driving, and how it takes lives every year, as well as exposing the guilt many of these people feel as survivors of these incidents.
This story was beautifully written and I enjoyed reading it from beginning to end. It was very intriguing and was an emotional roller coaster. I felt your emotions through this piece and I felt connected to the story through your style. Very good job.
Emon, I did not know that you had it in you to write such a captivating story. I truly admire how the audience is intentionally who the speaker lost, adding the to the depth of the story that they are forever gone. Your sentence structure and use of fragmented sentences also adds to the effect of your message, making statements with concise details. Also, the way you intertwined such a vital issue today of drunk driving into the story shows how your narrative is multi-dimensional, causing the characters to feel more real. It's really weird how we try so hard for the things we want but a single mistake can ruin everything.
First, I must applaud you for implementing such an important theme into your great piece. You wrote with a slow paced syntax, which forced me to feel the narrator’s emotion while he recollects the painful memories of that night. The story did a wonderful job in highlighting that drinking and driving isn’t only irresponsible and costly to yourself, but it may harm others as well, including the ones you love. Great job, Emon
What a beautiful message you have conveyed here. I'm impressed at how you managed to steer the readers away from the dangers of drunk driving without sounding like you were preaching to them.
This is the third tragic piece I've read and by far my favorite. Your character not only seemed torn and distraught losing his love but he took responsibility for his actions. It wasn't easy but the way he left her he cant make up and he's accepted it's part of wrongdoing. This story, I felt, not only focused on the "true love" aspect but real life trauma.
This was such an impactful story because of how well you set everything up, you made the reader follow the story in the way you wanted them to which really gives them the full impact of his thoughts and the crash. The imagery is also incredibly amazing on this, it makes the story what it is, I am able to feel exactly what the speaker felt. This was incredibly well written and the overall plot was a genius idea to begin with. Good job!
Wow. To me, personal stories, likewise this one that you submitted, are the best because they withhold a specific touch to the person writing it, and I definitely felt that. It was a well rounded story, something that you put deep emotion into, and that was a brave and admirable quality on your part. Amazing job, Emon!
Wow Emon! It is amazing to me that some people can just envision and imagine these stories in their head. This story was full of emotion and passion and it really touched the reader. Thank you for sharing!
Emon, this was deep. By directly talking to the "audience", you captivated the readers and got to a personal level with them. The use of emotions overcomes the necessities of the physical imagery because the readers were able to put themselves in the story solely from the speaker's thoughts and emotions. I really admire this piece. Good job!
Wow Emoney, your story was very edgy yet it also felt emotional. The way you brought us into the speaker's perspective made the story that much more realistic. Even though the story was not a personal experience (I am assuming so because you are not old enough to drink lol *dab*), your descriptions and imagery helped make it seem real. It was a great story overall and I hope to find out more about the man who once had it all. Wow Emon, great moves! Keep it up. Proud of you.
Emon this story truly took my breath away. It was filled with so much thought and and detail it captivated me at every second. The imagery used throughout the story was so realistic and truly helped me to visualize the story and make me feel as if I was there. Your story was not only wonderfully written but also helped reiterate the theme and moral that as much as we want something, one mistake can truly take a toll on us and in fact be deathly. Great Job!
While reading this piece I really felt the guilt and self loathing the speaker had towards himself. Your use of words like "worry," "pain," and "sorrow," let me into the mind of the speaker and because of their negative connotation I was able to tell just how upset the speaker really was.
gosh Emon that was great i really enjoyed reading this piece. you truly have a talent in writing, this really captivated me.
gosh Emon that was great i really enjoyed reading this piece. you truly have a talent in writing, this really captivated me.
Besides feeling a little emotional by the end, it was such an amazing story. The way it becomes a conversation with the speaker himself then into the story, then back to the speaker himself was a great transition. With the imagery and onomatopoeia used in the story really brought the story to life. Loved it!
WOW!!! Its quite the emotional story. i loved the flashback way of writing the story. You told the story through the mans pint of view so even though it was muffled and blurry you could still see what was going on. I like how we never heard the girl speak, so the whole time it was like she was a mirage.
Hi emon. Policemen, teachers and parents always tell us not to drink and drive, but the point never gets across. This first person story on an account of drinking and driving is very effective with its strategys of ethos. You really got to sympathize with the speaker and learn a lesson from this story. Bye emon.
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