All I ever wanted was
for my parents to be proud of me. And by parents, I mean my dad. My dad is a
rockstar. Immigrating from Michoacán, Mexico as a kid he had nothing, no roots
in America, and little guidance from his parents on how to make it in this new
country, as it was even newer to them. He started working on fields and tending
to livestock with his father at the age of 12. He was the first to graduate
from highschool in his family. He was also the first in his family to gain his
citizenship in 2008. A couple years before that, he started working as a car
salesman. One of my favorite stories of his is when he walked into his first
interview at a dealership in his cowboy boots, and since the interviewer
just-so-happened to be Mexican as well, he wanted to give him a chance and
hired him. He worked a decade of early mornings and long nights to make it to
where he is now. He escaped his family’s generational curses of poverty,
addiction, alcoholism, and organized crime. Like I said, rockstar. I used to always
tell him I wanted to be like him, and he’d tell me he wanted me to be better
than him. That’d leave me dumbstruck, because to me, being just like him was
already a challenge, how could I ever be better?
Throughout elementary
and middle school, I’d rush to show my dad every one of my report cards,
academic awards, and test grades. Nothing could beat that warm feeling of
approval that would rush through my heart when he’d smile and tell me he was
proud of me. In the 5th grade, I declared to him and my mom that I wanted to be
a neurosurgeon. I knew nothing about neurosurgery or the medical field, I just
watched a lot of Grey’s Anatomy.
After a couple of google searches, I knew that the medical field, much less the
high stress that comes with being a neurosurgeon, was not for me. I didn’t tell
him, though, because I loved how his face lit up with joy at the thought of his
daughter going to medical school and becoming a surgeon. And just like so many
parents do, he told the entire family that I wanted to be a neurosurgeon, and
they made a huge deal about it as if I was already in medical school.
Eventually, everyone forgot about it, except for one of my uncles who still
asks me if I want to be a neurosurgeon everytime he sees me.
I didn’t realize how
backwards my mentality was until I lost my dad’s stamp-of-approval. The school
year of 2019-2020, my sophomore year, everything collapsed. I didn’t know why
then, and I still don’t fully know why now, but my straight A’s went to nothing
but D’s and F’s. I stopped turning in assignments, stopped studying, and almost
stopped caring completely. Emphasis on the “almost”. I dreaded coming home from
school each day, and looking my dad in the eye knowing he wasn’t proud of me
anymore, that he no longer had any achievements of mine to tell our family
about, and that he was disappointed in who I’d become. This was a devastating
time for us both, as I believe we both realized how much our relationship as
father and daughter relied on my academic achievements. Even if it was not
true, I felt his love for me went up and
down along with the percentages on my report cards. I wouldn’t be in school
forever, so what would happen when I was an adult? Where would my dad and I
stand if we didn’t have my grades to tell us where we should stand? I knew this
couldn’t go on.
I picked myself up. I
went to summer school to remediate my D’s and F’s, and earned passing grades in
my junior year. Eventually, I got myself back on track, as if sophomore year
never happened. But it did. And in a weird way, I’m grateful for it. I decided
to fix my past grades and work hard toward my current ones for my own
satisfaction and future, not my father’s approval. After some long
conversations, my dad and I agreed that I need to follow the path that makes me
happy and proud of myself. We’ve gotten closer, and have branched out our
conversations and interactions beyond the subject of my latest math test. Of
course I still want my dad to be proud of me, but now it’s become a bonus that
will come with me being true to who I am and proud of whatever I decide to
achieve.
