Denial:
It was just another March day. Another day closer to spring break you thought as you turned off your alarm. You woke up as usual and began to get ready for the day. But you could tell something was off. The house was quiet and dark but you were concerned by the amount of silent nods and whispers. Your mom’s phone rang and she answered. And you could tell by the shaking of her voice that something was wrong. You couldn't help but feel ignored as everyone around you seemed to be in on some secret. You went to school as normal, a little uneasy but it quickly faded as you were reunited with your friends. The day went on and suddenly you were at peace again. Until that peace was disrupted. The office called and it was time for you to go home early. Your heart instantly dropped and your mind flew straight to him. Your heart was uneasy but you reassured yourself that he was okay. He was probably just back in the hospital and your family needed to visit him. But your last ounce of hope was drained when you saw the look on your father’s face. He told you he was gone. Instantly your eyes welled with tears. Gone? How could this be? How could the one constant in your life be gone?
Sadness Meets Anger:
When you arrived at their house you were able to piece together this morning's strange events. Your mom knew he was dying, she even took your two older sisters to see him in his last moments. This realization felt like a slap in the face. She knew this whole day and never told you. You couldn’t believe she didn’t take you to see your grandpa in his last moments. You weren’t able to say goodbye to the one person you loved in this world the most. No comment. No conversation. Nothing. You felt sick. The whole time you were at school that morning he was in another room slowly slipping away from this world and no one had the decency to even tell you directly. Your body swelled with pain as the tears kept rolling off your face. You felt like such an outsider. So disconnected from the people who you should feel the closest to. Your rage increased as you saw your grandma. Listening to her sobs ripped your heart to shreds. You should have been there for her this morning. How could your own mother leave you this morning knowing what was to come?
Bargaining:
His funeral passed. But the pain stayed constant. You couldn’t help but think about where you went wrong. If only you weren't so afraid of how his sickness changed him. If only you noticed his illness earlier then you could have gotten him help sooner. If only you had cherished those moments with him more. If only you weren’t so naive for believing he’d never leave your side. So many words left unsaid. You wish there was a way to have more time with him. You’d give anything for another hug. Another look at that smile that lit up a room. Even just to hear the sound of his voice or warm laughter.
Detachment:
More time has passed since he left you. They say time heals but you find yourself lost. Your life feels frozen in time. Stuck in the unknown. But the world has other plans, and time passes you by in a blur.The days continue but you feel so disconnected. You're physically there but mentally your mind flies elsewhere. The house no longer feels like home. One person is gone but the
whole place suddenly feels so empty. You find yourself in a room full of people feeling so lonely. You can’t help but look for his face in a place where you know you won’t find it. Everyone surrounds you with support but it feels so disingenuous. They don’t know how you truly feel. And if you're honest with yourself you don’t either. You end your days feeling so exhausted from holding back tears. You try to sleep but you're met with that sensation again. The tears roll effortlessly down your face, but you can’t digest the feeling.
Acceptance:
You used to once think that time was your enemy. But slowly you've realized that time can heal. The anger has faded. You no longer feel resentment towards your mom for her decisions. She was just as lost and confused as you were. What more could she have done? You have begun to forgive yourself as well. As time passes you remember more and more of him. And you realize you had so many moments shared together. Old pictures reignite old memories. The house doesn’t feel as lonely, and its comfort has returned. You're reminded of him everywhere you go. A simple word or item will instantly bring you back to him. You're no longer frustrated when you notice him missing in a room. You find yourself searching for his face because you can still feel him, and that brings you comfort. You’ve come to realize that loss is inevitable. Not everything in this life is meant to last forever. And it's a hard pill to swallow but you’re still working on it. Life feels different without him, so changed yet still untouched. It still hurts you from time to time, but it's supposed to.
22 comments:
I really love this piece because as someone who has dealt with the death of a close relative myself, I really related to your writing and sympathized with how it felt to go through all these different stages of grief. It was beautifully written, and thank you for being comfortable enough to share with us.
This was a great piece especially with the difficult times we are all going through. Unfortunately many of us have lost a loved one during or prior to the pandemic. This piece is a great guide for anyone who may be struggling with the passing of a loved one and I thank you for your openness on sharing something so sensitive.
Kristiana, you're so strong to be able to share something so personal. I admire your strength, thank you for sharing. They're watching over you, I promise. Stay positive beautiful <3
Thank you so much for sharing this with us, I can understand how it must be difficult to talk about. I love the way this is written, with the titles of each stage of grief and what it was like to go through each. I especially favored the last paragraph; that we know that you finally got some peace, and that you have found that through all this time you notice you are healing.
I really loved reading your writing, and how you approached each stage of grief with little titles. I think the use of "you" helped immerse us as readers in every powerful emotion that you conveyed here. Thank you for sharing your story.
I send my condolences to you and your family, and overall this was a great blog to read. I especially like how you separated each phase and had a significant description of each one
this piece was just wow. i really related to this piece as someone who has gone through all of this as well.thank you for being so open and sharing this vulnerable moment with us
This was an incredibly personal piece to read, thank you for being courageous and sharing this with us. Writing this in the "you" perspective (second-person, I think) made the piece even more emotionally relative. I thought instantly of the many losses that I have endured and this piece allowed me to analyze that grief, so thank you very much for this piece! -Evan Nguyen
awesome piece and very relatable
Firstly, I want say that I'm sorry for your loss, losing a loved one is something tragic that's always baffling and confusing. Although you may not have him now it seems that you have found a way to cope with his absence and have fully analyzed the situation and your emotions. Time does heal but only if you choose to learn from the grand teacher known as death. This was beautifully structured Kristiana and well written, Im glad you shared this so others can understand their feelings when grieving.
You did an amazing job representing the five stages of grief. Usually death of someone close to you is difficult to write but the way you show the emotions within is really courageous and eye opening as this type of topic tends to be overlooked as no one dares to share this as it hurts to much to think about. Thank you for sharing and I’m glad you are okay. :) -Kayla Macasinag
Kristiana, first I loved how you broke up your story into stages of grief. Not only was it heart felt but informational for someone who may be grieving but don't what stage they are at. Also, I lost both of my great grandfathers in the same year, so I know how feels when a piece of your family is taken away and it takes everyone to come together heal that missing spot.
This piece is so beautiful. When reading, i admired the imaginary and strength you portray, throughout the five stages of grief. I loved how open and honest you are about going through such a difficult time and how you came out of it looking at the positive.
Kristiana, this was so beautifully and accurately written. Reading this as someone who has gone through this situation, I definitely got teary eyed. Thank you for writing about this moment and being so open.
I love how the piece was organized into 5 different sections and went into detail under each phase
The structure of this piece was truly remarkable. The concept of the five stages of grief are familiar enough to most, but to witness it or experience it in action is a completely different idea. How you transformed something so categorical and universal into a much more intimate expression of grief is heartrendingly beautiful. This narrative of loss was given humanity and feel from a very unexpected lens — incredible. Thank you.
This was a powerful, uniquely written piece. This was an exceptional way to dscribe a state of mind filled with complexity and it was great to see how you composed this and stayed valiant despite the situation you were in.
Kristiana, your piece was interesting and fascinating. I like the incorporation of the different stages to describe your personal experience of grief. I especially loved the use detail when explaining the five stages, it truly added to the emotion and involvement of the reader. A beautiful job, and I am sorry for your loss.
I really liked this especially since I am currently still going through these stages as well. Thank you for sharing this!
I love the way it was written, specifically the different stages being chapter titles for each stanza.
This was beautiful. Your work was so amazing and you described the stages of grief so well. The complexity and emotion in this piece Is unreal. Thank you .
I loved the way each section was organized into the 5 stages of grief, with your description of what emotions you were going through at each stage. As someone who lost a family member recently, I related to what you were writing about. This was really well done and I am sorry for your loss.
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