Thud. I opened my eyes to reveal a bedroom lit by a pale-yellow bulb hanging from the middle of the ceiling. There’s a bed in the left corner of the room, sheets undone, with a pair of shoes lying under the frame. If there’s one thing I know for sure, those aren’t mine. I try to slowly lift myself off the ground to get a better idea of where exactly I’m at, but I’m met by resistance. Looking down, I notice my arms and legs are bound. I feel a sense of panic rush through me, how did I get here? I catch a glimpse of someone in a dirty mirror in the right corner of the room, surrounded by pictures of people I don’t recognize, posters of bands I’ve never listened to, and jewelry I’ve never worn. Why am I here? I try to scream but nothing comes out, my mouth isn’t covered but there’s an overwhelming sense of fear present that refuses to let sound escape my lips. I dart my eyes around the room to make sense of my surroundings, but nothing is familiar and I begin to feel that trouble is looming.
From behind me, I hear a light thuds approaching the room I’m in. They are so close, but so far away, leaving an empty pit in the middle of my stomach due to the anticipation. I close my eyes and pray silently to wake up from this nightmare, but I know it’s not going to happen because I hear a door swing open behind me. If the air in the room wasn’t cold enough, it’s stone cold now. I lay dead silent, eyes squeezed shut with tears threatening to spill over. I figured that if I play dead, whoever is hovering above me may just go away, but they don’t. I can hear them walk over to the bed and take a seat, because the springs in the mattress give the faintest squeak.My heart is beating a mile a minute, and I’m sure whoever is in here with me knows it too.
It begins to mumble words I can’t recognize in a chant-like manner. I dare to open my
eyes and I’m relieved to see that I'm not met by the face of a demon, but rather by the back of
girl. She sits cross legged on the bed, both hands stretched towards the ceiling, appearing to be
conducting a ritual of sorts. The tears that threatened to spill over have now begun to run down
my cheeks, leaving my face wet and sticky. I try to stay as quiet as possible to avoid
confrontation with my tormentor but my effort fails, a low choked sob manages to escape my
lips. The girl stops chanting and slowly lowers her arms in an ominous matter. Knowing that I’m
sure to meet my end in this room, but still having enough hope that I can prevent my untimely
fate I plead with her to not hurt me. Her body begins to contract and contort in ways that I know
are not humanly possible, and I realize my cries are no use. I try to inch myself further away
from the bed and make a swift exit but the door slams shut behind me. The single bulb in the
middle of the room begins to flicker and the girl turns her head slowly. My eyes are fixated on
the mirror in the corner of the room, staring into a pair of brown eyes that I don’t recognize to
avoid seeing the demon. This is it.
I can see her looking at me in the corner of my eye, and my face turns a sickly grey color. I’ve stopped crying and my breathing isn’t rushed, but my heart is beating in my ears. A feeling of curiosity rushes over me for the quickest second, and in that moment I’m brave enough to face her. I turn my head and look at her face, her features appear to be familiar but she’s still virtually unrecognizable to me. All the unfamiliarity makes her and the situation more terrifying. She cocks her head to one side as if to question my confusion, and then I notice her eyes.Big brown menacing eyes, the same pair I first looked into when I woke in this strange room and noticed the mirror in the right corner in the room surrounded by pictures I now know where my family and
I can see her looking at me in the corner of my eye, and my face turns a sickly grey color. I’ve stopped crying and my breathing isn’t rushed, but my heart is beating in my ears. A feeling of curiosity rushes over me for the quickest second, and in that moment I’m brave enough to face her. I turn my head and look at her face, her features appear to be familiar but she’s still virtually unrecognizable to me. All the unfamiliarity makes her and the situation more terrifying. She cocks her head to one side as if to question my confusion, and then I notice her eyes.Big brown menacing eyes, the same pair I first looked into when I woke in this strange room and noticed the mirror in the right corner in the room surrounded by pictures I now know where my family and
friends, and bands who made the songs I loved to listen to the most, and jewelry I put on every
morning. This is my room, those are my eyes. And when she realizes I’ve made the connection,
she flashes a big wide smile with her big brown eyes and my world goes dark.
31 comments:
Wow! Your story is full of suspense to the extent that I couldn't even foreshadow on what's going to happen next. The use of vivid imagery made it feel like I was there at that moment. I like how you describe every emotions that this girl felt whilst she was experiencing the unknown. The ending was very unexpected that makes me hope for a continuation of this story.
Woah. This was actually such an amazing read, and I honestly was not expecting that ending. I love your use of adjectives and how you describe the room that the main character finds herself in. The way you closed the story at the end, though, drawing back from details previously used to show that this was a foreign environment, to do the exact opposite was an amazing move. Overall, this was a wonderful piece of literature, great job!
The suspense is palpable! I thoroughly enjoy suspense in fiction and your story was the epitome of such a technique. The vivid imagery and drama coupled with rhetorical questions contributed to the ominous mood of the narrative and created such a chilling effect. I was reminded of the elements of a psychological thriller the way the main character was afraid to meet the eyes of the "demon" through the mirror. The plot twist at the end was also genius! Thank you for a good read!
You have amazing writing skills! You kept me curious and interested through each part of your story. I love how you were able to spice up your writing so much, I never knew what would come next. -Dahrien Trotter
This was so intriguing and suspenseful! I love how you caught your readers attention in the first paragraph. Your imagery really painted the scene and i could picture everything in my head. This was so good!
As soon as I read the first sentence, I was immediately drawn in. The way you used certain words made this piece dark and suspenseful, I couldn't stop reading. Excellent work! - Breana Plascencia
I really liked how you built up your story and the suspenseful events/imagery you used was well thought out.
Awesome story! Your writing style fits so well with a horror story such as this. I love how you continued to build the suspense throughout the story; the anticipation really helped to maintain the mood and provided a perfect buildup to the ironic resolution; it really helped to give it a chilling effect. Also, the story itself was quite a pleasure to read. You did such a good job describing the intensity of the situation and the internal dilemma the protagonist faced.
- Julia Lozano
This was a really cool story. I like how you built up the tension with every sentence, and your diction makes the story incredibly vivid and realistic. You are a very talented writer. Good job!
The suspense in this story is incredible! It put me on the verge of my seat frantically reading to see what will happen next. The descriptive imagery allowed me to envision the room the girl was in. The plot twist at the end of the story was amazing and shocked me to the core!
The suspense, the detail, the imagery were all so well done! This story truly captivated me to reach to the end to find out what was going to happen. I absolutely loved your story!
I have no words. That was truly amazing i loved every single part of it. The twist ending was phenomenal. Your word choice was very excellent, it draws the readers in really well. Overall, great job :)
Oh my, this was absolutely gripping. First luring the readers in with a seemingly innocent title, then changing it to a captivating horror sequence with a sense of security when we first see the girl then taking that sense of security away. Absolute amazing. -Justin Lim
I really enjoyed this piece of writing. The suspense, imagery, and great detail really transported me. It was almost as if the audience was there with you because the descriptions you used were very detailed. It really captivates the feeling of fear and being drawn in. Horror stories can be difficult to write for some, but you did a really good job in this piece and just led the audience into suspense throughout the entire story.
I love the build-up that occurs throughout this story. You had me on my toes the entire time. I kept asking myself "who is this brown-eyed girl" and I certainly didn't expect it to be yourself. I loved it!
- Vibs P.
This was an incredibly eerie and well written. The whole time I was trying to figure out what was going on which made the reveal at the end even more creepy. I hadn't considered that narrator had any connection to anything in the room as they had mentioned earlier they did not know the people in the pictures, jewelry, or bands. Definitely more of a psychological thriller, but those ones tend to be the most interesting. I really liked this piece as a whole. -Isabella Patterson
The suspense within your writing is absolutely amazing Valerie! Your use of suspense and detailing each emotion and feeling is just amazing. The plot twist at the end is definitely my favorite and I just want to know more about what is to come for her.
This is a really good and suspenseful story. I really liked to fact that you incorporated the "demon" she sees in the room to be herself at the end. Unaware of what has happened to her. It was really intriguing and made me interested to read more through the build up of suspense. I really enjoyed it. Great job!:)
This sent chills down my spine! As I continued to read, I kept moving closer and closer to my computer screen, wondering who this girl was and what was going to happen next. Your story made me think of how unbelievably disconnected we can be with ourselves. Great job!
I really loved your story it kept me on my feet and the ending really got me. You did an amazing job creating this story with a lot of tension and suspense. - Ariana Hernandez
You’re writing was so suspenseful throughout and the ending was so unexpected yet so brilliant! I love how you structured your piece and the way you used suspenseful diction to described the event! It was overall superb!
I was instantly hooked onto the story you have incredible imagery that was leaving me imagining it in my head. I was amazed by the plot twist at the end with the perpetrator being you. It reminded me of the movie Us. The way I interpreted was that its your very own self that will be your undoing and greatest enemy, very Macbeth I loved it.
I love the suspense this story gives. Throughout the majority of it, it seemed like I was right there along with the main character. Really well done in creating that dark imagery. :)
I was instantly hooked onto the story you have incredible imagery that was leaving me imagining it in my head. I was amazed by the plot twist at the end with the perpetrator being you. It reminded me of the movie Us. The way I interpreted was that its your very own self that will be your undoing and greatest enemy, very Macbeth I loved it.
All I want to say is where is part two? I need a part two because your short story has my mind racing with questions like, what happens after the main character blacks out or how did our so call "brown eyed" girl ended up like this. Basically your story was really good to read for suspense and mystery and I need a continuation!
your story was absolutely chilling! I liked how your imagery was very detailed setting up the scene just right. I enjoyed how the ending was a cliffhanger, it had me on the edge of my seat. great job on your story I would totally read a part two :D - kayla j
By the end of this piece, I was astonished. From beginning to end your choice of words and the flow of the story had me hooked. Really great piece, keep up the good work. - Jaeyeon Romero
This was an amazing piece. You have a wonderful writing style that captures the audiences attention, and leaves them on the edge of their seat. Your use of descriptive words truly made the story a great piece. - Hannah Ekelem
This was absolutely amazing, the suspense really kept me on my toes and I did not expect the ending at all either which made the story 10x better.
The suspense was so well captivated in your writing and the audience can really feel the emotion that you put into your writing. The curiosity of the title leads the reader to be invested into who’s eyes those are. Really amazing work!! - Hannah Colunga
The organization and imagery of your story is so suspenseful and thrilling, you have done a very good job at creating an amazing ending that really brings everything together in an unsuspecting conclusion, well done!
-Rebecca Clinton
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