Let me start off by saying that this is part of a novel that I’ve been working on for a little while I hope you
enjoy it:)
Good evening erm, you, my name is Nicholas Villafuerte I am a freshman of the wonderfully horrible school of San Juakeen High... in San Juakeen... in Southern California. I’ve lived in this town for a very long time, basically all my life. My dad passed away when I was about two he was in the military and was K.I.A. so my mom takes care of me if that’s what you want to call it. She is a horrible mother I’m sad to say, she lacks necessary parenting skills plus she’s an alcoholic so that makes everything so much worse and she hasn’t worked in years. Were the stereotypical welfare family that’s living on Obama Care or something like that. Well anyway enough of that sad single tear stuff lemme tell you what this hunk of a string bean looks like I’m kinda tall, about six foot I got thick wavy jet black hair with poop color eyes. I’m genuinely a nice kid I guess but I can be manipulated very easily, very very easily.
You are very interesting to me, because you’re not like the others. You don’t talk you just observe. Oh! You don’t know the others. Well, let’s just say that I have a... condition. See the thing is I hear these voices in my head. I’ve been hearing them for a while like 4 years, maybe, back when I was around eleven I think. There are four of them, five including you, I gave each of them a name. First the voice that popped out of nowhere Camron. He has a crazy psychotic kinda personality I don’t trust him, ost of the time. Next there’s Mike, he is ALWAYS pissed off for some reason. He’s just, mad. Third comes Luis he’s erm shall we say, mental. No judgment whatsoever just acts without thinking, his morals are there, but he is more of a do it now personality. Finally poor ole Samson he’s a fellow that will make you, even in the happiest days, cry as hard as watching TFIOS for the first time. If I could describe Samson in a color he would be a dark blue. Now there’s you, I can’t really call you anything so you’ll be Watcher because all you are doing is watching.
Well Watcher my story for you will start here in boring Mr. Cunningham’s English class. The show is about to start get your popcorn cause it’s gonna be a doozy. Damn! He’s handing out test?! I didn’t know we had a test!
CAMRON: You didn’t study for this test! did you Idiot?! Ha!
SAMSON: Camron please. Be nice. He sometimes forgets.
“Can you guys keep down. I’m trying to concentrate,” I say to them aloud. A few kids
turn around some with concern because the English class was dead silent as though they had just finished reading MacBeth. One of them was one of my friends, not that I had many or any, his name is Ernesto I call him Big’O because he is, shall we say, pleasantly plump, he is always in need of a haircut because his hair always covers the top of his eyes. His appearance is kind of interesting he wears baggy, bland clothing every day. He is basically. Big. He gives me this strange stare I stare back then make a stupid looking face. He chuckles softly but then abruptly stops after seeing Mr. Cunningham glance in our direction.
CAMRON: Ya. No. Nick, erm you have a test in front of you that you might wanna get to work on. Maybe you shouldn’t though. You don’t want to ruin your perfect four straight F’s in this class why not make it five!
MIKE: Camron! Will you please shut up!
CAMRON: Ouch! I’m sensing a lot of hostility again Mike. This is why you don’t have many friends.
Good evening erm, you, my name is Nicholas Villafuerte I am a freshman of the wonderfully horrible school of San Juakeen High... in San Juakeen... in Southern California. I’ve lived in this town for a very long time, basically all my life. My dad passed away when I was about two he was in the military and was K.I.A. so my mom takes care of me if that’s what you want to call it. She is a horrible mother I’m sad to say, she lacks necessary parenting skills plus she’s an alcoholic so that makes everything so much worse and she hasn’t worked in years. Were the stereotypical welfare family that’s living on Obama Care or something like that. Well anyway enough of that sad single tear stuff lemme tell you what this hunk of a string bean looks like I’m kinda tall, about six foot I got thick wavy jet black hair with poop color eyes. I’m genuinely a nice kid I guess but I can be manipulated very easily, very very easily.
You are very interesting to me, because you’re not like the others. You don’t talk you just observe. Oh! You don’t know the others. Well, let’s just say that I have a... condition. See the thing is I hear these voices in my head. I’ve been hearing them for a while like 4 years, maybe, back when I was around eleven I think. There are four of them, five including you, I gave each of them a name. First the voice that popped out of nowhere Camron. He has a crazy psychotic kinda personality I don’t trust him, ost of the time. Next there’s Mike, he is ALWAYS pissed off for some reason. He’s just, mad. Third comes Luis he’s erm shall we say, mental. No judgment whatsoever just acts without thinking, his morals are there, but he is more of a do it now personality. Finally poor ole Samson he’s a fellow that will make you, even in the happiest days, cry as hard as watching TFIOS for the first time. If I could describe Samson in a color he would be a dark blue. Now there’s you, I can’t really call you anything so you’ll be Watcher because all you are doing is watching.
Well Watcher my story for you will start here in boring Mr. Cunningham’s English class. The show is about to start get your popcorn cause it’s gonna be a doozy. Damn! He’s handing out test?! I didn’t know we had a test!
CAMRON: You didn’t study for this test! did you Idiot?! Ha!
SAMSON: Camron please. Be nice. He sometimes forgets.
“Can you guys keep down. I’m trying to concentrate,” I say to them aloud. A few kids
turn around some with concern because the English class was dead silent as though they had just finished reading MacBeth. One of them was one of my friends, not that I had many or any, his name is Ernesto I call him Big’O because he is, shall we say, pleasantly plump, he is always in need of a haircut because his hair always covers the top of his eyes. His appearance is kind of interesting he wears baggy, bland clothing every day. He is basically. Big. He gives me this strange stare I stare back then make a stupid looking face. He chuckles softly but then abruptly stops after seeing Mr. Cunningham glance in our direction.
CAMRON: Ya. No. Nick, erm you have a test in front of you that you might wanna get to work on. Maybe you shouldn’t though. You don’t want to ruin your perfect four straight F’s in this class why not make it five!
MIKE: Camron! Will you please shut up!
CAMRON: Ouch! I’m sensing a lot of hostility again Mike. This is why you don’t have many friends.
MIKE : Oh, bite me!
CAMRON : So, how you doin on the test dummy?
ME : Not well you and Mike are throwing me way off can you two stop bickering like an
old married couple and let me concentrate I can’t get another F.
MIKE and CAMRON: HEY!
ME: Whatever I need to focus right now.
CAMRON: No, what you need to do is get out of here. Look around people are starting
to notice.
I look up and sure enough some people are still glancing at me for my random outburst.
My head begins to ring as it normally does.
CAMRON: I don’t even understand why you even attempt to try to come to school it’s
not like you’ll amount to anything anyway
LUIS: Run! As fast as you can and punch Cunningham on the way out square in the jaw. ME : I’M NOT DOING ANY OF THAT SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!
My blood begins to boil and the ringing becomes louder faint whispers can be heard
followed by the boom of Camron’s voice.
CAMRON: What’s wrong Nick? You don’t trust us? We’re the only ones that have ever
been there for you since the incident.
SAMSON: Camron you shouldn’t have-
CAMRON: Brought it up? Why not he’s going to dream about it anyway and I won’t let
him forget about it look at him trying to make friends it won’t be long until tubby over there stabs him in the back like Jace did.
“DON’T EVER BRING UP THAT NAME AGAIN!” I screech with the entirety of my diaphram. With my eyes shut I punch my desk and stand up. The scratch of the chair on the floor brings me back to reality and I open my eyes to see that everyone is staring at me. Mixed faces of amusement, concern, and fright fix on my being. Mr. Cunningham begins to rise out of his chair, but before he can confront me or say anything I take half of Luis’ advice and race out the door. As I’m running, the hallway becomes longer and i feel as though I’m running in the same place not going anywhere but still going too fast to take in anything in. I feel shortness of breath The ringing from before now sounds like bells being rung with full force in my head and the whispers now are incoherent screams. I begin to yell but no sound comes out of my mouth. The hallway soon looks like a tunnel and it gets longer and longer until the end becomes nonexistent
CAMRON: Goodnight Nicholas. I fall to the floor and then Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
CAMRON : So, how you doin on the test dummy?
ME : Not well you and Mike are throwing me way off can you two stop bickering like an
old married couple and let me concentrate I can’t get another F.
MIKE and CAMRON: HEY!
ME: Whatever I need to focus right now.
CAMRON: No, what you need to do is get out of here. Look around people are starting
to notice.
I look up and sure enough some people are still glancing at me for my random outburst.
My head begins to ring as it normally does.
CAMRON: I don’t even understand why you even attempt to try to come to school it’s
not like you’ll amount to anything anyway
LUIS: Run! As fast as you can and punch Cunningham on the way out square in the jaw. ME : I’M NOT DOING ANY OF THAT SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!
My blood begins to boil and the ringing becomes louder faint whispers can be heard
followed by the boom of Camron’s voice.
CAMRON: What’s wrong Nick? You don’t trust us? We’re the only ones that have ever
been there for you since the incident.
SAMSON: Camron you shouldn’t have-
CAMRON: Brought it up? Why not he’s going to dream about it anyway and I won’t let
him forget about it look at him trying to make friends it won’t be long until tubby over there stabs him in the back like Jace did.
“DON’T EVER BRING UP THAT NAME AGAIN!” I screech with the entirety of my diaphram. With my eyes shut I punch my desk and stand up. The scratch of the chair on the floor brings me back to reality and I open my eyes to see that everyone is staring at me. Mixed faces of amusement, concern, and fright fix on my being. Mr. Cunningham begins to rise out of his chair, but before he can confront me or say anything I take half of Luis’ advice and race out the door. As I’m running, the hallway becomes longer and i feel as though I’m running in the same place not going anywhere but still going too fast to take in anything in. I feel shortness of breath The ringing from before now sounds like bells being rung with full force in my head and the whispers now are incoherent screams. I begin to yell but no sound comes out of my mouth. The hallway soon looks like a tunnel and it gets longer and longer until the end becomes nonexistent
CAMRON: Goodnight Nicholas. I fall to the floor and then Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
19 comments:
Carlos, I am really impressed with the storyline you built. The first person point of view really helps understand the protagonist and understand what he is going through. I like how you gave each character their own way of speaking and own personality. Good Job! Definitely finish this novel!
this is really good!! its so interesting and full of imagery and so well put. i cant wait till your novel comes out
Wow! I really enjoyed you piece Carlos! it was very interesting and played like a movie in my head. I really enjoyed how throughout reading I did not get confused, you kept it really organized. Thank you for sharing. ( Julia A)
I really liked your story Carlos. I found myself wanting to read more, so keep writing that book! I also felt as if I was having a conversation with the speaker because of the sentence structures of your piece and that was very unique. Great job!
-Alicia Garcia
This story is very interesting and I did not expect it to go in the direction it did. I like how it’s very original and not just a spin-off or a sequel of something everyone has already seen. I would love to see this in novel form and I hope one day it can be, great job!
Dang Carlos this a pretty interesting story man, let me know when the rest is finished because I'm dying to know how this turns out. - Joshua Perez
Dang Carlos, this excerpt from your novel was so riveting! I really enjoyed the humour and drama within this short piece and wish I could read the whole novel! Keep up the great work man, this is really creative Mr. Author!
WOW!! That was an amazing piece from part of a story you are writing! I love how you incorporated the reader into the story by making them one of the voices. This story was very intriguing and I would love to read more. The plot line of the story is also suspenseful with not knowing about the accident or who that Jace person is. Great job!!
Carlos, this piece was absolutely amazing. For you to incorporate the audience, using "watcher" was an amazing touch. You're use of colloquialism just allows for the reader to be compatable with all the other voices and everything in between. Can't wait to read more of the story.
This. THIS is the kind of content I'm looking for! If you really are going to publish (WHICH YOU SHOULD BTW) let us know cause I would love to buy this. The story is just the kind of thriller I'd be looking for.
Wow carlos this was very interesting. The first person point of view really lets the reader be able to understand the protagonist. I'm really excited to read the rest of the story!
Carlos, I really enjoyed this piece and hope that you do continue working on it as I would enjoy to read the whole thing. This piece was very unique and I have literally never come across writing like this. Your choice of "characters" was also very interesting. This piece is amazing, the imagery and detail, suspense, and plot line all made this so wonderful. Keep writing!
Carlos, that was amazing. I really enjoyed your use of imagery. I cant wait to buy the full version
-Braden Bailey
This is amazing, I am in just in a stage of taking everything in mentally and emotionally, this work is-for sure-one of my favorites. The way it reels in the attention of the reader and makes the audience wonder what's going to happen next. I know you said this is a short story you've been working on, but, I would be invested greatly into this story if there was more to come. Overall, one of the best works I've read.
Carlos, this is an amazing story that you've put together. I personally love a story told from different points of view, I feel like it adds another level of immersion that you can't find in most other novels or movies. You have done this and more with adding more auditory imagery to single thoughts, and how the world around them reacts. I really enjoyed this, and you should definitely finish that book. Great job!
Wow, this was so good ! I love how creative and detailed your piece was. Each character was unique and the first person point of view made the story easy to understand. The story was also, easy to follow along.
Holy Cow Carlos! Reading this excerpt from this novel of yours really caught my full attention. Every component that I believe is necessary for a piece to be considered a novel was all here, from your use of imagery, sense of humor, drama, emotion, figurative language, diction, etc. On top of that, I also very much enjoy the story line you have going on here. Nicholas Villafuerte's other characters in his head (or personalities) are really interesting and I would be so down to read more about them. At this point, I would not be surprised if you ever become an author. If you ever get to finish and publish this whole novel of yours one day, I would buy it right away. Much applause to you!
The imagery was insane and I really want to read more! The details n the characters and voices are interesting to say the least but gosh it was really good. This seriously has left an effect on me. Great job!
Carlos, I really enjoyed your post! It was almost like I was reading a novel where I was the main character. I think involving the audience into the story as watcher was a really smart move and I hope to read from you again!
~Ryan Kang
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