It was
a crisp fall evening in the small town of Rosendale. The town was filled with
an eerie spirit as Halloween night was slowly approaching.The usually busy road
that Jennifer and her mother were on was oddly empty, but the reason for this
wouldn’t be clear until later.
“Jennifer, if you don’t get get
off your phone right now, I'm going to stop the car and make you walk home!”
Mrs.Harrison snapped at her daughter as she tried to keep her eyes on the road.
“Alright, I got it, just finish what you were saying!” seventeen year old
Jennifer retorted as she rolled her eyes.” I was saying that until I come back
tomorrow, the house is yours. I don't care what you do as long as you stay
inside, get your homework done, and don't throw any parties. Is that clear Jen?”
Jennifer managed to mutter a sarcastic “clear as day!” under her breath as Mrs.
Harrison pulled up into the driveway. Mother and daughter exchanged farewells
and Mrs.Harrison started on her 5 hour drive to her important business meeting.
As she turned the corner, a pang of sadness grew in Mrs. Harrison’s heart. In
attempts to comfort herself, Mrs. Harrison begin repeating the same
sentence.“It's okay Meredith, you’ll see her tomorrow, Jen’s not going
anywhere.”
“Yeah, I'll be
waiting outside at 8:30. From my house we can head straight to Jacob’s place.”
Jennifer texted her friend Crissy as she adjusted the belt on the dress she had
secretly bought just for Jacob’s party. Jennifer curled one more strand of her
blonde hair and walked down the spiral staircase. Not knowing if it was cold
enough to wear a coat or not, Jennifer turned on the TV and turned on the news
channel. “Weather reports will be in 5 minutes, but first some major news,” the
cheerful anchor announced. “Ugh, the news is so boring. Nothing crazy happens
in Rosendale!” Jennifer groaned as she went to the kitchen to fix herself a
snack. Unfortunately for Jennifer this time something crazy was happening. The
news anchor sat up straight and announced, “A dangerous murderer is loose in
Rosendale, we advise everyone to stay at home with your doors locked.”
“What do you mean you
can’t come to the party? We planned this whole thing and now you bail? How am I
supposed to get to the party without a car?” Jennifer yelled at Crissy through
the phone. “Well, I'm sorry but my Dad saw my report card and he’s making me
stay home and study. Jacob’s house is only a mile and a half away, you can
walk.” Crissy retorted back and hung up the phone. Jennifer considered this and
determined she had no better options. Jennifer ran out the cherry wood door,
forgetting to lock it behind her.
“Sorry I came so
late.” Jennifer apologized,stumbling into Jacob’s foyer. “Oh, it's no problem,
it’s only 9:45. It's a Friday night so we don't need to worry about waking up
early or anything.” Jacob reassured her. Jennifer took off her jacket, grabbed
a cherry soda, and put her phone on silent. ”Jacob is right.” she thought to
herself. “I just need to loosen up and enjoy the night.” While Jennifer was
having a blast at the party, Mrs.Harrison was struggling to stay awake and
focus on the road. “Maybe a little music will keep me awake.” she said to
herself. Not finding any stations she liked, Mrs. Harrison started listening to
the news. That's when her heart sank. “ There is still a dangerous murderer on
the loose in Rosendale, residents should make sure to stay inside.”
Mrs.Harrison pulled over and frantically started calling Jennifer, only to
reach the voicemail box. Tears were brimming in Mrs.Harrison’s eyes as she
started interrogating her phone “Why isn't she answering?! Why isn't she
answering?!”
It was 12:00 and
Jennifer was just getting home from the party. She turned on her phone to see
five missed calls from her mother. “I'll just call her in the morning” Jennifer
tiredly muttered as she ascended the marble steps to her bedroom. She stood in
front of her mirror and examined her smudged eyeliner. That's when she heard a
rustling coming from her closet. The white closet door opened with a squeak and
out came a tall man wearing an orange shirt and pant. He slowly took a knife
out of his pocket and with a grin said, “Didn’t they say to keep your door
locked?”
Jennifer opened her
mouth but to her horror, no scream escaped. She ran to her mother’s bedroom
which had a balcony fifty feet above their backyard pool. With the murderer
just a foot away, Jennifer flung open the balcony door and looked down at the
crystal blue water. “Its okay I'll fall in the pool, and I'll survive,”
Jennifer assured herself as she climbed over the ledge. Unfortunately, Jennifer
didn't fall in the pool. She fell unto the cold white tiles.
16 comments:
Mirza you legend. This was amazing! I loved the tragic twist at the end with the tiles, hence the title of the story. At first I was unsure of what type of story this was going to be about, as I assumed it had to do with the cliche high school drama movie until the introduction of the murderer. I had multiple hypothesis' in my mind of what tragedy was going to occur until I was taken by surprise in the end with the clever "cold white tiles". This story had my heart racing in anticipation toward the end, and it's now one of my favorites on this blog.
Mirza, what a creative twist! I really enjoyed reading through your story, feeling the suspense throughout the dialogues and foreshadowing you utilized, from the mom’s sadness/worry to the news reporter’s dreadful news. Your dialogues were on point! They helped emphasize the tragedy behind this as the dialogues helped illustrate how innocent and naive Jennifer is, which is later paralleled when she thought she would be saved by the water. Good job!
Absolutely incredible! It isn't even Halloween and that still gave me the chills! Right from the start, you build your story using extensive details and developing Jennifer's character. As you described Rosendale, I envisioned myself there and almost went into a dream like state. Furthermore, that twist at the end was a kicker! Reading through this detailed and creative story made me feeling like I was watching a horror movie (I specifically thought of the movie Halloween while reading this). Amazing work!!!! - Eugene Kim
Mirza, you are an amazing writer! First off I love the foreshadowing within the title, as I knew what would inevitably happen to one of the characters within the story, although it was too obvious. I also love your inclusion of detail and imagery, like for instance you wrote how Jennifer adjusted her belt and curled a piece of her hair, as well as how her mother changed the radio station because she was falling asleep. Minute details like this truly add to any written piece- overall, great job!
I can´t tell you how fast my heart is going right now. You created such a great suspenseful story with a great twist! It´s always nice to have your expectations subverted when you least expect it!
Mirza, I liked your fictional story. Based off the title and a little bit going into the story, I thought this would be about one of those drama stories between a parent and a kid. But as I got into it, I felt the suspense building up and was itchy every word on what would happen in the end. The tragic event that happened at the end of your story really hit me. Good job on the story and use of foreshadowing with the tone of the mother and imagery as well throughout.
I love the way you kept the suspense till the end. This is one of the best blogs i have read. It kept me excited and full of anxiety throughout the whole blog. You did an amazing work!- Nufsat Khan
Great job with your story Mirza. I enjoyed it very well and loved the suspense you were slowly creating. The tragic ending was a great plot twist, even though you hinted it from the beginning, which I thought was pretty cool. It really felt like the Halloween horror film, with lots of creative insights. Overall, you did an amazing job Mirza! - Eric Chang
Mirza, this post was very captivating. It kept me reading all the way through and I was impressed by your writing skill. The story had a great plot.
This was such an interesting story Mirza it had me hooked from beginning to End. I did not expect such an ending and the imagery you used in your story was great. The climax had me at the edge of my seat, great job on such a great story line.
- Ivan Mejia(Per.5)
Mirza, I loved your story. Your use of suspense was fantastic and the ending was a great callback to the title of your story. I enjoyed your piece very much -Braden Bailey.4
In all honesty this was great, the story line was developed very well despite it being a small story. Mrs. Harrison's worrying is so typical for a mother and Jen's attitude toward it being no big deal she went to a party when she was told not to is also so typical of many teenagers as well, it makes this story that much more interesting because that is so real. -Leslie Rodriguez
What an ending! Had me at the edge of my seat throughout the read and to end it with such a twist, just great creativity. At first it seemed as one of many high school drama cliches, learning about life moments and etcetera. However, you completely proved me wrong, great story, wouldn't hesitate to read more from you.
This was very wild. I really enjoyed reading this and appreciate how well you captured the dynamic between a suburban teenage girl and her mom. Very unfortunate ending, however I enjoyed the shock value that is associated with it. Great job!
I meant to write that it wasn’t*** too obvious!!
Its great to see ACTUAL stories on here, I love it, the fiction and suspense and the sensory detail, Great job Mirza!
Post a Comment