October 2015, best friends
Daijah and Mya were going to a Halloween party they had planned since
mid-September. The party was Mya’s idea being that she had partied many times
before and it was her senior year. Daijah, on the other hand, just a year
younger than Mya, was a late bloomer and wasn't into the party scene, frankly
because she has never been to one before. It took Mya a lot of persuading to
convince her best friend that Halloween would be the best night of all nights
to go to her first party. Daijah agreed, due to the fact that it was a Mya's
final year in high school, and they wouldn't have this opportunity again next
year and the few years to come but Daijah didn't know what kind of party they
were going to.
The night finally came,
Halloween. Daijah got dropped off at Mya’s house to get ready for the night.
Mya was already in her costume, a fitted navy blue jumpsuit only coming a few
inches below the thick, belt around her waist with a very deep V-cut neckline.
She wore dark aviator sunglasses, a cheaply made gold plastic badge with the
word “POLICE” engraved in thick black font, and carried pink fuzzy handcuffs
she had found in her parents’ room. Daijah was taken back by the costume her
friend was wearing, not by how revealing it was but because she had brought her
flapper dress and accessories she wore two years ago on Roaring 20s day at
school.
“You can't wear that,” said
Mya.
“Why not,” said Daijah.
Mya knew what kind of party
that would go down tonight but didn’t tell Daijah in feared that her friend
would back out.
“Because...”
“Because what?”
“Just because, I think I have
something you can wear. Come on.”
Daijah unwillingly obliged.
Mya put Daijah in one of her short, black dresses that hugged every inch around
her body, drew a black circle on her nose followed by whiskers on each cheek
and gave her cat ears. Daijah looked at herself in the mirror.
“Are you serious?” Daijah
said unamused by her appearance.
“You look hot! Come on we
have to go!” said Mya.
It was around
9:15 pm. They got into Mya’s car and left.
After about 30
minutes of driving, Daijah was confused; she thought the party was only two
cities over. She trusted her friend and ended up falling asleep. Finally
parked, Daijah woke up to loud music. “10:37 PM” she read from the car’s clock.
“10:37 PM?!?! WHERE ARE WE?
WHAT CITY ARE WE IN?” she exclaimed.
“Chill, bro. There was a lot
of traffic,” Mya lied.
Daijah noticed a smell. The
smell became stronger and stronger. She turned to Daijah to ask.
“Do you sm--” She stopped.
She noticed Mya was rolling
what appeared to be a blunt. She was shocked. She didn't know her friend smoked
but she didn't question it because she didn't want to seem “uncool”. Mya lit
the blunt and began smoking.
“Do you want to hit?” she
said coughing.
“No, I'm good.”
“Come on just one hit, you
won't even feel it.”
“Fine”
Daijah inhaled and instantly
began coughing uncontrollably. Mya laughed.
Mya was done. They left the
car and walk towards the house. There were many people standing outside, they
were older. Daijah predicted about 3 to 5 years older than they were. They entered
the house; the first room was as hot as an oven and as humid as a summer’s day
in the south. Daijah didn't recognize any of the people, but Mya did. She said
hi to about every other person. Daijah began to notice there was another side
of her “best friend” she hadn’t realized.
They made their way into the
kitchen. The counter was full of alcohol and Jell-O shots galore. Mya began to
take a few shots of vodka, and then switch to harder liquor.
“Hey! You should slow down,”
said Daijah loudly due to the loud music.
“I'm fine trust me,” said Mya
shouting back.
“No, dude. You drove,
remember?”
“Oh yeah. But I'll be fine,
promise,” as she takes another shot
Daijah exasperates in
disappointment in her friend.
Then all of a sudden.
There was a gunshot.
Everyone began running and
screaming. There were two more shots. Mya ran feverishly to her car, and then
shortly realize she was forgetting something. Daijah. She ran back into the
house frantically looking for her best friend of ten years to find her on the
floor lifeless with a gunshot wound to her neck.
27 comments:
My oh my, this was one intense story! Your title lured me in and your story had me hooked from the start. Throughout the story, you used diction and detail, such as when you described Mya's outfit of the night. Your detailed descriptions effectively formed a vivid picture in my mind and the conversations between the two characters were realistic and logical. The imagery you used to describe the house where the party was located was also successful in creating a visual in my head. The ending was an unexpected shocker! May Daijah rest in peace.
This was a very enjoyable read! I was so anxious to know what was going to go down during the entire story. I did not even expect the twist at the end, but the dialogue and plot line was well written and descriptive. I also liked how you are able to connect with the audience by incorporating an issue that a lot of teens face today. Well done!
Odi, this was a great story. I loved your attention to detail in each part of the story. I also like the way you set up the reader throughout the piece and established a firm background on both characters. My only recommendation would be to reread it once more for grammar. Overall, this was a very intriguing piece and was exciting to read!
This was a very well told story Odi! There was so much detail to it that I can imagine exactly the events that you portrayed. Just from the title, I inferred there would be a death, but reading your story, I did not think that it would go in the direction that it went. I also appreciate the point that you made about peer pressure, as I have gone through the same moments, especially someone as myself who has gone to parties that have gone awry, but certainly not to this extent. The language in the conversation made it appear that these two are much like us, just by the way they talk. The two characters' personalities are clearly distinguishable from the way that they speak, which is an excellent job for character descriptors also. The surprising ending really made an impact to your story telling ability.
This was a very suspenseful story! I love how most of your story was leading to the climax which was the last line. Your use of detail made it very clear what was going on in the story and made it seems like the reader was there with you. I like how you addressed many issues that go on very regularly with teens our age, such as peer pressure, and under age drinking ans smoking.
Amazing job Odi! The detail in the story was great. I love how you tied in the message of how by giving into peer pressure you can lose yourself in the process like how Daijah lost her life going to that party.
wow! Such a suspenseful story! I love how you used dialog to create the image of the night. It worked very well and made the readers feel like they were apart of the story. You turned it into a great message of peer pressure. You also had an extensive amount of imagery that made the story come alive. Great job!
I enjoyed your piece because of all the detail that you used. It was easy to follow and all of the imagery that made it that much more interesting for readers. The the end of your story left me extremely shocked! Great job, Odi!
I really enjoyed this piece! I liked the detail of the character contrasts and how different they were. I also liked how you enhanced the dangers of peer pressure. It was well detailed with the senses and imagery. Well done!
Holy cow this was so unexpected. Peer pressure gets to each and everyone of us, we all just want to fit in. Daijah knew that this party wasn't a good idea, but because she wanted to feel cool for one night she went with it, and risked her life for it. We need to trust our instincts, and think about what is best and this story is one that teaches us to do what will be the best in the long run. Very well written, and i was able to clearly understand the overall message you were trying to get across.
This piece is one great told story of a tragedy and suspense. The way you told the story with details from the beginning made me read it from top to bottom and made images in my head that makes it seem I’m watching a scene. The way the story ended was very unexpected that the good girl, Daijah died in the story and the other girl, Mya just ran away and did not save her best friend. The message you’re trying to convey in this story was pretty clear that we should not trust anyone so much that we need get to know them deeply. Hope you keep writing a piece like this! Even though it’s short, its impact/message on the reader is strong.
The dialogue was really well written. I didnt get lost while readling it i was able to read and understand what was going on and who was talking. The topic of the story was a good choice once you said party I immediately was intrigued.
This was a very great story. I love the way you expressed each characters' personalities throughout the story and showed through Daijah's own feelings and reactions how the plot was getting more and more intense. The story showed a very true message of how people may not always be who we think they are and who to "really" trust in our lives. And I also laughed out loud at the part where Mya found the pink fuzzy handcuffs in her parents room.
WOW! This was really well written, I enjoyed the dialogue and every ounce of detail you used in this piece. Your uses of imagery was very informative and gave your reader a great understanding of what was happening in the story, with out it getting confusing! It was suspenseful, and had me wanting more even after I finished reading.
This was a very well written story in all aspects. The description was vivid and the connection that you made between the readers and the characters created a bigger impact. i enjoyed the very current topic. It made it a very interesting topic to see where the story was going to go.
Great use of dialogue for your story. Not many stories I've read so far have done this. Also, I liked the bit of cruel irony of Daijah acting like the cool, experienced partier who had to show Mya the rope, and yet she is the one who bites it in the end. Speaking of the end, while it is a cool twist, as your story seems to be pointing to the girls getting in a drunk driving accident, it seems just a tad bit rushed, but maybe that's just me.
I like that the ending of the story leaves us hanging a bit. We are able to take whatever we learned from the story and find the moral or even discover something we didn't see within our lives as well. In high school this type of situation happens all of the time and though I am personally very happy with the friends I have, it does not mean I haven't been put in situations out of my comfort zone. I think you highlighted something very important about all of our decisions and not only how they affect us but also all of those who are a part of our life. Overall, I truly enjoyed your story and think you did a great job of getting the story to flow.
The ending really took me by surprise. It was a very intense story, I especially like how there was dialogue throughout the story it made for an interesting read. The imagery and detail made the story even more imteresting. There are not many pieces like this. I enjoyed it, good piece odi!
First off, your use of imagery to describe the setting effectively created a visual image to the reader. The use of details to express the personalities of the two characters were portrayed by the way the characters spoke to each other, as well as their past experiences. The title itself foreshadowed to what seemed like an unlikely ending. Great piece.
This short story was well written and easy to follow. I enjoyed your use of detail in imagery, it really helped me empathize with you characters. I love the raw truth of this story that finally hits you at the end leaving you shocked and breathless. The story had my attention the whole way through! Great job.
The ending to this story was so sudden! I did not expect the "good" girl to end up as a casualty at the function, I was so devastated. This piece was very insightful to how high school kids can get out of hand at unsupervised activities. Great work to paint this truth.
What a great story, you tackled such a mature topic very well. I enjoyed how you went into vivid detail about the characters and what they were wearing. As well as your use of simile when describing the atmosphere of the party. I was caught by surprise with the unexpected twist in the end. Good job!
First off, I enjoyed this piece. I felt like it sent out an important message that we all need to hear. You grabbed my attention throughout the whole story. This was a very creative and a great job. Nice job Odi!
Odi, this was a very suspenseful piece that I truly enjoyed. I admire how your structure was very stair-like that just kept the readers going up and ending with the climax. I, personally, found a few lines and details in your story to be humorous yet you were still able to maintain the suspense and interest of the reader. Once again, great job!
I enjoyed this piece because if it's illustration of social concepts that are all too prevalent in the present day. The issues of peer pressure and lack of responsibility getting others hurt is nothing uncommon on the news or in conversations amongst friends, and your piece did very well in conveying that. I have to say your plot was well constructed in that I as a reader was effectively thrown off; I believed that Mya's drinking would have gotten Daijah hurt or possibly killed, but you included some very clever organization and structure in finishing the story as you did. I believe that this makes the piece stronger by demonstrating that it didn't matter that Mya drank, because the very fact that she brought her friend to an outing that she had given her no information or preparation for was in and of itself irresponsible and already put Daijah at risk. Collectively, this piece is fitting and accustomed with modern issues amongst youth. Talented writing Odi!
Wow Odi, I did not see that ending coming! First off your title drew me in and when I began to read I could not stop. Not only was it very suspenseful, but the imagery used to portray the suspense was incredible. Also, I can relate to having friends that essentially have two different personalities or sides of their life. However like I said I did not think she was going to get shot! I assumed, while reading that Mya would end up drunk driving and killing her by accident, but your ending through me off. I really enjoy that because it is kind of boring when you are able to predict the ending.
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