"Clockwork " by Eloy G

         A few months ago I purchased a watch I fancied from a department store. It was a sudden decision, with no previous thought.

         As soon as I saw it on display, I thought I should own it as I would never find an analog like this one. It had a silver bezel with a blue and red band. About 40 dollars later, at night, as I was preparing for bed, I placed it on my desk and decided I would wear it the next day. My mother came into my room and asked if I had applied to any colleges yet. What was my major going to be? What are your going to do with your life? How have you been coping with senior year? Why don't you want to talk? Is that a new watch?

         Eventually, she walked out. I have the custom of opening my window before I go to sleep so that the light floods in in the morning and I'm not accidentally late to school, so I did that.

         Finally, my head hit the pillow. Of course, I began to ponder my life while laying there and examined the events of my day. I replayed the conversations I'd had and decided I should be kinder to that guy who I talked to in one of my classes. Also, what is the meaning of life? Do I have purpose? Where is Qatar? What is time? Speaking of time...

          When I would lay very still at night, I could hear that watch ticking.

I suddenly became very conscious of the passing of time. The ticking was relentless and I was waiting more and more time to make something of my life. With every tick, I was a second closer to dying, and not having made something of myself. Almost every day that I go to school I hear that if I don't go to college then I'm nothing, and that if I don't make money I'm worth even less. And it suddenly dawned on me that I was an idiot.

         I had no idea how to be an adult. I am completely clueless in what I'm doing and everyday I get up and go to school and pretend I know what I'm doing. I talk to kids that have their life planned out down to the last detail and I speak to them as if I'm the same. My own father had informed that my musical abilities were useless, and that I need to look into getting a real job. But how? I don't know how to do anything else well. I suck at everything. I am an idiot. And death inspires me like a dog inspires a rabbit.

         Yet, the ticking grew louder. It echoed in my empty head and eventually grew to be ruckus. I was surprised that no one else had woken up with such a noise. I sat up and stared at the demonic watch. I reached for it, stumbled over to my window and hurled as far as I could into the empty lot behind my house.

         The ticking grew louder.

It filled the house and I realised that I needed to make something of my life soon, or else I'd lose my mind. I turned my desk light on and made a list of all the things that I still needed to achieve.

         Be more organised. Don't procrastinate. Be kinder. Buy nicer clothes. Turn in that missing assignment. Turn in all the missing assignments. Do every piece of homework. Graduate with honours. Get recommendation letters. Get a scholarship. Apply to college. Get accepted. Go to college. Pay for it. Get a car. Get a job. Find a blind girl to marry me so she can't see how much of an idiot I am. Have kids. Teach them to be good people. Give them manners. Teach them how to a ride a bike. How to tie their shoes. How to use the toilet. How to get good grades. How to get into college. How to make something of themselves. How to make good decisions. Help them move out. Get over the sadness. Retire. Go on vacation. Somehow stay married for dozens of years to the same blind girl. Die.

         Sweat had clouded my eyes by now and had made the paper crinkly. I did every missing assignment and every piece of homework and began to apply for college. I wrote myself a sticky note that said to be kinder to that guy. I reorganised my backpack. I cleaned my closet and my room and began to look for job on the Internet.

         Then I caught sight of my window. It was day.

         A blue bird landed on my window sill with the snow topped mountains in its background. Light flooded into my room and bathed my squinty red swollen face. Trees gently swayed in the breeze. The birds sung. The flowers harmonised.

         The birds do not sow seed or reap or gather into storehouses, yet they are fed. I saw the lilies of the field, how they grow; they do not toil, nor do they spin. They do not grow anxious over what to wear. Yet I've seen no one dress as beautifully as they do. Why do I become anxious? How much more time can I add to my life by becoming anxious?

         The ticking was gone.

Gratitude filled the house instead.

         Now everyday I get up and the light floods my room and I go to school and people treat me kindly and respectfully. I have many friends I am grateful for, and that's not something that everyone has. I have a style of life that not every one has, so instead of lamenting over what I'm not, it's time I take a lesson from the birds and the flowers. It's time I slow down and appreciate that every second of the clock I am in the position I am. Everyday comes with its own problems and joys. Why burden myself with more?

That morning, I scaled the empty lot's fence and pulled my watch from the dirt and the weeds.

And at night, if I lie very still, I can hear it ticking. And time ticks me to sleep.