Find the shape and tell it!
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
"Where He Went" by Cynthia A
We met when we were 7 and I still remember every single detail of that day. It was raining and
the sidewalk was all slippery and any decent human being would know that if you attempted any
kind of facetious activity it would not end well. Well guess what that wing nut decided to do that
day? He wanted to go rollerblading. Yes. Roller blading. and guess what that incompetent fool
was left with? Two sprained ankles, and a chipped tooth. How? well, I was minding my own
business drawing in my room when I see a little whaling boy going, what it looked like 50 mph
tumble and fall, rolling 4 times before he finally hits a tree with full force. I laughed so hard I
snorted! (I know, I know, he was all bloody and hurt.) But he was a bloody idiot. I immediately
ran out and helped him. (Laughing the whole way) I was extremely concerned for the guy don't
get me wrong, But he was a complete imbecile. When I reached him he was knocked out. Cold. I
mean gone. So I carried his sorry butt into my house and laid him on my bed. No one was in the
streets and no one was home. I cleaned up the blood from his mouth and forehead and did the
best I could to get the blood out of my clothes but it was no use. So I changed and put the other
part of his tooth in a ziplock and tried to help this fool to back to proper health. I waited for him
to come back to life by continuing my drawing. He groaned, scaring me to death causing me to
immediately hide behind my desk. But as soon as I came into contact with his eyes, I knew. I
knew everything was fine. I hadn’t really taken a good look at him, but was glad when I did. He
had the most amazing features. His eyes were the perfect shade of green and blue I’d ever seen.
His hair was a beautiful dirty blond. and he was neither chunky nor scrawny, “
Loretta??” He said. How did this freak know my name? I didn’t even know his?!
“I’m Dean.” He said. “Loretta’s your name right? . . . . I heard it in a dream and knew it was
yours the moment I saw your big hazel eyes. ”
. . . That’s the memory that played when I saw his motionless figure lying on my bed. That’s
when Everything changed. That’s when everything grew meaningless. All at that very moment.
He swore he wouldn’t do it. He promised me. He crossed his heart and hoped to die. . . He
seemed to have executed the second one rather efficiently and effortlessly. I still can’t fathom
how lifeless his eyes were. He entered the same way he left. I guess i’d rather remember how he
came into my life than having watched him leave it.
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29 comments:
Hey Cynthia! What an incredibly sad piece. I wish I could say that I'm surprised haha. Great job with the imagery and the stream of consciousness effect. Very nice touch. I loved loved loved the story line, and the contrast between the shifts in tone- innocent and light, and then, complete sadness. I also particularly enjoyed the last line. It's almost a tone of coming full circle, and understanding. All in all, less a few grammatical errors, a great piece! Congrats.
Chloë Miller
Well it's sad that's for sure. I wonder why everyone tends to write sad stories. I like how you began and ended with him on your bed and how you left the in between for the reader to imagine themselves. There were a few capitalization issues and incongruity but that could be easily looked over. It had emotion and meaning which is important. I'd say I enjoyed it.
Oh my gosh?! Did he die?! Nooooo! Well this story was very intersting I really got into it! I love how her attitude totally changed when he knew her name. Great use of vocabulary too! I loved how she was calling him like like stupid and just an idiot and her whole attitude changed just becasue he was attractive and knew her name! Great story keep writing!
Oh this is so sad! I really liked how you put so much imagery and detail into it like I can actually image whats happening in my head as I'm reading your piece. I liked how the tone shifted from being funny and happy to so serious and sad in such a short amount of time. Well done!
Great imagery and dialogue! makes me sad though! The characterization you gave Loretta was a bit sassy and over-all caring and the ending is amazing the line, "everything grew meaningless" is my favorite line. In the beginning I was not expecting the story to shift from a playful tone to a sad one, but that's what makes me love this story.
Thank you for breaking my heart! Such a sad and melancholy story to read. I love how you first kept describing him as a fool and idiotic because the ending then makes it all make sense. The speaker's tone is so soft spoken and I can actually visualize her actions and why she did. The ending made me want to burst into tears! The diction was sophisticated and graceful for this piece. Great job.
This story had almost brought me towards tears from both laughter and sadness.There was great imagery and detail that had gone into your story, and that is exactly what had made this story so amazing. Good job!
Dean Garcia Period 6
Oh my gosh Cynthia! You're use of imagery had me feeling very sad. I also loved how the tone of the story went from happy to sad. Overall, you did a great job. Keep up the great work.
-Philip Ahn
P4
Wow, I really loved your story. I really liked the twist in the ending. When I was reading, I saw that they both we're going to be together. But the last part got me. What a heartbreak. But that's what made the piece amazing. The imagery and tone really affected more as well. Good job over all.
Grace Panjaitan p4
I agree yes we as human beings can't bare the fact to lose anyone who we feel a close attachment to. We in the last moments of anyone's life wish we could relive, or gain more time. I love the fact of how blatantly rude the narrator was to the dude but in the end you can see the love she had for him, which was the comedic component of this. I truly enjoyed your piece good job!
Very sad the imagry and deatails you gave him, both physical and his charecter , a fool, made it that much sadder
Nick Canez
period 6
The ending had a big plot twist but overall it was a really good story.
Angel Gonzalez
p2
The ending was great the way that I could feel the emotion of the story was breath taking. Great job over all !!
Wow this was an incredibly sad yet amazing story. You went into incredibky great detail with this story. I love your choice of words when explaining the boys features. I could see the scene playing in my head as I read. I really enjoyed reading this story great job.
What a sad story! I really enjoyed reading it. I like how the tone started off easy as the narrator laughed and made comments about the boy, but then became tragic at the end when she lost him. I also liked the use of imagery, especially when he woke up and it seemed that everything was going to be fine, though it wasn't. What a sad ending. Great job on this story!
Oh gosh. When I was reading this story, I thought that this was going to be the start of a love story that ends happily. I thought that after you would save him, you would break out of a flashback and talk about what is currently going on in your life, and how you're happy with the fool you saved. But nope! There was a plot twist in my eyes, because I did not expect that type of ending. I like how towards the end you try to sound optimistic by saying that you would rather remember how you met him than to see him leave you. I find it sad how your meeting with him was short lived. This story allows the reader to think what would have happened, how would your love blossom if he stayed alive. Overall, the simplicity of this story allows the reader to grasp the touching story behind a very short lived meeting. Good job! :)
Simran Bajwa
Period 1
Christian Black
Period 1
Cynthia! That piece was great! I really like the paradox that you left at the end of the story. It really causes the reader to not only reflect on the speaker and how she felt but also makes them reflect on themselves and the people around them. Great work!
I liked your use of imagery, the way you described the boy slamming into the tree. I agree a 7 year old would definitely find that funny. Also I like how I got a sense of the characters qualities without you having to make them super clear. The girl was intelligent because she knew what to do in a situation like that, trying to play nurse and clean all his blood. The boy had a big imagination and was clumsy, proven by his two sprained ankles. I loved it!
Evelin Conde
p.5
3/30/15
Imagery that I captred from your very concise detail really made each occurrence in this piece come to life in my mind as I read on. I absolutely love the abrupt shift from a playful recollection the serious and melancholy retrospective tone at the end. Very well done!
Period 4
This was super depressing, so thanks for that. But I really liked the story and the humor you put into it. The various times that the girl called him things like an idiot and an imbecile was almost kind of endearing, I enjoyed it. Overall good job!
Anthony Hurd
Period 4
I have this feeling, in the pit of my gut right now. A kind of knot that just sits there uncomfortably, either it’s the week old spaghetti or (and perhaps more likely) your story has made me sad. But even so, it’s more than sad, or rather it’s a different kind of sad. Since the story began so happily, and even funnily, it’s shocking to be hit with such a sad ending. Of course that’s the point and I love how the shock of his death resonates so deeply with the reader. Glorious. -Austin Royster
Damn.. That was a sad ending.. I wasn't ready for it. The fact that her first and last memory of him were on beds were a great touch to the story. I love how much detail you put into the memory of when they first met. I could totally imagine exactly everything that was taking place. I also enjoyed the casual language you used when she was describing him and she continuously called him a fool because that is exactly how I would have reacted to some guy rollerblading on the slippery sidewalk ! lol Great job though!
Idalys Martinez
Period 1
Great job Cynthia! Your story was interesting through your use of imagery and tone. Your creativity really showed throughout the story but specifically in the ending. Despite the sadness that you caused in my heart, you're creative in the ways you get the reader to engage and react to your piece. Overall, amazing!
Great job girl! I really liked this story. It was pretty sad at the end when you said that you didn't want to see him leaving. your story had some interesting plot twists and I really loved it. Again, great job!
Melany M
Period 1
I really enjoyed how you tied in the story of how they met so well with his death. Your word choice was very clever in that it is much how a couple would playfully speak to each other. I liked how she called him playful names like,"wing nut," "incompetent fool," and "imbecile." It was a nice touch! Nice take on a typical fantasy love story.
Cynthia I was surprised. I had hopes of him returning back to life and the story turning into a romantic story. The fact that you remembered him so vividly. There were so many surprises that it drew me in more and more. Great job!
It was sad bit at the same time a very good story Good job!!!
-Clarissa Rojas
period 2
I liked how this story was written as it just emphasized how idiotic the kid was by constantly calling him different names and just having him be the victim in this story. I enjoyed how the narrator helped the boy even though she didn’t know who he was and knew it was his entire fault. Overall this was really well written with good describing details.
Very sad but it was nice of the girl to take the guy in however she was kind of mean towards him. I wish there were more people out there like that. Through imagery and tone you can feel how sad his death was.
Kayla Fulton
Period 5
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