Find the shape and tell it!
Monday, May 5, 2014
"Two Deaths?!" by Chase T
There once was a scientist named Stu Pickman. He worked with an incredible amount of
chemicals. Stu had recently been experimenting with a poison he had made. That night when
he went to bed, black fog had filled the room. The next morning Stu had noticed that his poison
was gone. Stu was scared that someone went into his lab and had stolen it. A mysterious man
with long black hair and a black coat had appeared. “Who are you?” asked Stu. “ I am Death”
the man said. Death told him that last night someone was going to break into his lab and was
going to put the poison in all of his food. “I saw the man come in” said Death. “So I quickly filled
your house with fog so he couldn’t see anything and would leave”. So Death told Stu that it
wasn’t time for him to go yet. “Thank you “ said Stu. Death had vanished in a quick second. Stu
was so overwhelmed with what had happened he went to bed. Right when he fell asleep red fog
filled his bedroom. When the red fog was gone the only thing left was Stu Pickman’s corpse…
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54 comments:
Oooh, the last sentence literally gave me the chills. I'm guessing that "Death" was a murderer in actuality and he was responsible for Stu's death. But, I can't be sure. Either way, this was a great short story!!
-Christina Tapia
A SHOCKING EXTRAVAGANZA OF MYSTERY,(and very short too)
the ending wasn't what i suspected. wow that was really interesting i like how death was like a person. great job keep up the good work
_ariana jimenez
First, I really think it's ironic that Death saved Mr. Pickman, and then killed him a few hours later, after telling him it wasn't his time yet. I really enjoyed the story and thought it was incredibly mysterious at the end when all you find is his corpse. I hope you were going for mysterious and kind of creepy, because you surely got that, good job!
Jose Mancillas
Period 2
the ending gave me the chills. after reading it, I got what the title meant. I think this is a good piece but it could be a little longer so we can imagine what is going on. but good job!
Great story! I really like how you made it mysterious, yet kept it simple and still made it interesting. I knew your character time traveled once the kid popped out of no where in that house but nice i was able to visualize pictures while reading this.
~Funmi Sule
Per.2 5/10/14
7:51 pm
That's scary and mysterious. i was honestly thinking it was going to end pretty and Stu would be able to live his life as a great scientist but its sad that he had to die unknown like that. Poor Stu.
~Funmi Sule
Per. 2 5/10/14
7:56 pm
What a twist at the end! Unexpected and I wonder whether you were influenced by the masquerade of the red death because it does have some of the same meaning. Where nobody can escape death. This is the only meaning I could make out of the story but I'm sure there is so much more that I'm not getting. Maybe the fact that the red fog could mean blood and the black fog is death slowly creeping up? Good job!
I got confused with the red fog part but then I got it. What a plot twist. Good story! -Alexis Chiong p6
LET ME JUST START OFF BY SAYING THIS NEEDS TO BE LONGER BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENED AND IT WILL BOTHER ME FOREVER. Now that I've gotten that out the way, I really enjoyed this short story. It had a great use of imagery, and I really appreciate the warning to avoid red fog. I will say, however, Stu Pickman really got the short end of the stick in this one. Great Job Chase!
I got confused with the red fog part but then I got it. What a plot twist. Good story! -Alexis Chiong p6
Great story! I love the plot twist when Stu thought that he escaped death, but it was really right in his face.
Wow!!!! That was really good i was not expectiong that at all! that was really really good though! When you said it was death i imeadiately thought Stu is soo not going to live through this. Really good job!
Alexandra Urena
This is a real brain teaser. The fog and death is really trippy. So was Stu the burglar and death killed him trying to save him and the fog killed Stu and the burglar, also Stu?!
Nice story, Chase. I really enjoyed the ending because it was a very large plot twist. Keep up your hard work.
I like the fact that you killed Stu pikman it kind of leaves the story off on a sad note
The story was good and proof that good stories doesn't have to be long. I like the irony in the ending.
-Josh Barton
Period 6
wow what a short story but still creating suspense. That story was very interesting and I want to figure out what happened next with the red fog.
This topic was written with deep sincerity and seriousness. I like how it was a plead to stop bullying.
Josh Barton
-Period 6
this story was very short but very suspenseful! I really liked it. I want to know who would have stolen it. great job!
Whoa! Great plot twist! That interpretation of two deaths wass not what I had expected from your title. I loved how "Death" was ambiguous so it created a twist at the end! Your tone seemed to be dark and ominous which also added extra chills. Great job!
Amazing plot twist! Made the story suspenseful and great story line along with detail.
-Adrian Andres
I'm kind of really scared right now. This really was an eyeopener for me and reminded me to stop playing with chemicals. I really enjoyed the plot twist though! The juxtaposition of the red and black fogs really had me thinking about the relation behind the red fog in comparison to the black fog with Death. Great Job!
Even though this is a short story it has still a great plot -Noah Valdez
Wow the plot twist was crazy, this was a very interesting piece. I think its very creative of you to be able to come up with this type of style in your writing.
--Mckynzie Fort
I enjoyed your story, it was brief, concise, and to the point but it contained a wonderful plot twist. Good job.
-Lauren Williams
I like the plot twist it was great short story . Short and right to the point!
-Erin Napoleon
Oh my gosh twist ending! That was awesome it really was unexpected, Death was such a trickster! I don't love anything more than being suprised by stories and I was definately not expecting that to happen, fantastic piece and in such a short package! Wonderful job!
Rachael Rubalcava
I think everyone loved the plot twist at the end and so did i. It was very unexpected and the story allows the reader to be at the edge of their seat seeing whats going to happen next. Good job!
I did not see that death coming. But if Stu never died, then that would’ve defeated the purpose of the title. I liked this story, but some more imagery can make the story more interesting. For me, this story could’ve used a lot of imagery that’d add to the dramatic effect created through the plot. Imagery or none, this story was still good. Good job!
Great story! I loved the plot twist at the end of the story. I would have never expected him to die like that.
I loved the ending had a good plot twist at the end.
Devin Jennings
p.2
Chase, I really enjoyed your short story. I liked that you made it suspenseful by saving the main character once then mysteriously having him die! I also liked that through your title you gave the reader great insight on the plot of the story. I thought it really interesting that you made "Death" the hero for a quick second and then the antagonist ,which is how it is percieved most of the time, because it made the plot that much more of a twist! Great Job!
I can honestly say that I did not expect him to die! I actually believed death just like Stu. I now have a lot of questions like why did he die, how did he die, and who was responsible for his death. Making the fog black and then red was a cool idea because it worked with the tone of your story. This story was short but I was at the edge of my seat the entire time so great job keeping the reader interested. Nice Job!
This was a fun piece to read.
I did not expect the "two deaths" to both be Stu's.
That was a plot twist and ironic that Death told him it wasn't Stu's time to die, but he died anyway.
I would have definitely liked for this piece to be a tad bit longer. Maybe to explain the red fog?
Nonetheless, this piece was good! Very concise and amusing with the sudden plot twist!
Good job.
Seohyun "Joy" Jeon
interesting story. I liked the plot twist at the end. To bad Stu died
Interesting piece! It made me think... was Stu already dead when he saw Death? Or did he die after talking to Death? Most importantly, who and what killed Stu? Well done!
-Hsing Chang
I got really confused at first. Then i had to read it about 3 times to actually get what was going on. I like how even though it was a short story it has a good story line. I also like the ending and wasn't expecting what happened in the short story to actually happen.
I thought Stu was going to be saved forever but I guess not I really didnt expect Stu to die! I wonder who killed Stu ?
~Aaliyah S.
I love that this story leaves you asking a lot of questions, but you don't feel necessarily upset that they can't really be answered. It was a pleasure to read! Thank you Chase!
Jack McDonald
Per. 4
damg this is a cool short story the death was weird though / jakob cadena
I liked your topic of Death, no one really talks about it in a sense that you do. I loved that it was a lot going on at one time and it made the whole story filled with suspense. I liked how you personified Death and made him a real person to highlight the deeper meaning at the end. Good job!!
This was an interesting story to read, and honestly a little creepy...in a good way! I like how Death was characterized as a person and that Stu had a conversation with him. The use of imagery such as the black and red fog helped add to the eeriness of the piece. Good job.
-Alexandra Aguilar
p.1
Interesting story! Although it was very short, it still had a large impact. Stu felt relieved when realizing he was not going to be murdered, but in reality, death was at his doorstep (literally!). I'm guessing that the fog was poisonous and I wasn't really sure whether or not Death was lying about the men, but a good story always has a little bit of ambiguity I guess. Great work!
I thought this story isn't what I read the title as.I thought like something suspicious and scary. Overall it was still an amazing story. I especially liked the ending.
Wow! I got the chills! That was amazing! Loved the description of everything! It was a little creepy.
Josie Starr
period 2
that was amazing and it was suspicious! i really wish i knew what the red fog was! good job it gave me chills and made me think about what it could have been!
Amazing story! It's short and sweet
-Chiquitita Annisa
This was a short mysterious story and i liked it and its now leaving my brain with lots of question so Good Job
Kamau O
Noah Martinez
Period:2
This was an amazing mystery it had me thinking. Good job !!
Great story it kept me thinking. i love these kind of mystery story`s. It makes me want to keep reading these stories.
Kyle baker
Period 6
I was rather confused but I like who the wording was placed like at the ending you said that "all that was left was Stu's corpse" that gave me the chills.Really great!!!!!
By: Leo Franco
The story was kind of confusing to me because Death said that it wasn't your time yet but a couple seconds later he was dead. But it was a good story.
-Kyle baker
Period 6
These are my favorite kind of stories. Mysterious and creepy stories give me the chills. I really enjoyed it espiacally the last part " all that was left was Stu's corpse". Also really liked the fog and for the most of the story it had me thinking.
Joseph Mendez
Period 2
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