" A Piece." by Valerie H

I think the question I get asked the most by not only the people who are closest to me, but also by my own haunting subconscious, is why I don’t let people into my life, and let them know who I really am. And by life, I mean what’s not covered up by the happy, outgoing, and bubbly facade I manage to put on every single day of my life. In actuality, that little ‘five foot and three quarters of an inch’ girl you see giving smiles to every bypasser and emanating light onto others (or so I’ve been told) is completely and utterly lost. She’s confused. And more importantly, she’s enslaved by fear and the want to be isolated. Why I don’t let more than three people maximum into that buried life of mine is because of the panic and anxiety that comes from waiting for a critical and judgmental response and the depression that comes after from the lack of any understanding and empathy from others. As much as I hope to believe that there is someone out there who completely 2000% understands me, I know it’s impossible for two reasons: one, nobody will ever understand another person’s life until they have lived it and two, because nobody will ever have the absurd, ongoing, jumbling, ear deafening thoughts that pop into my head at a rate I can’t even begin to imagine. After an intense reevaluation of myself, I thought maybe I’d try to let people know who I am as an individual. I wanted to do it in a manner so that I wouldn’t just spill out my entire sob story, but at the same time still give an idea of what it’s kind of like to be me and to see my response to some things. In order to do that, I’ve gathered a series of general questions asked by multiple people, in which I will respond below.

*Disclaimer: I am in no way trying to enforce any of the responses upon others, these are simply my opinions/thoughts!*

1. How do you get better from the common cold?

Uhm, I don’t. I’m honestly stumped with this one. Oopsies! Naturally, any person would take medication for the common cold, and though I do the same, it is never as often, for fear of falling asleep (my parents are in love with buying the nighttime pills) when I have a plethora of homework and studies to attend to. I usually just wait it out, and it leaves… but for anyone who may or may not know, I’ve been literally sick the whole year. I think the only time I managed to stay antigen exposure free was for a month, and that was this March. I always wished that I could be hospitalized to replenish my health… but look where that got me; my wish partially came true. Hopefully better health comes my way!

2. When should you start planning for college and what to do when troubles occur?

Start planning as a freshman, as colleges do look at your transcript starting from this year; if you want to get into the school of your choice, work hard and study hard. Plan out how many honors/AP classes to take and what you think you can handle along with any clubs and extracurricular activities. Really know your work ethic and threshold. Stay positive, don’t compare, and never let your pride get ahold of you. I stayed hating the person I was since my first year in high school, solely because I knew I wasn’t as good enough and never would be as great as my older siblings. I lived everyday feeling like I was a disgrace to Ho/Tran family and a disgrace to the standards my siblings have set before me. My pride was what made me believe I could do so/as well in taking all honors/AP classes every year, with at least 3 clubs in hand, as well as marching band and for some time, a job. Though I managed to pass all my classes, I saw them as a failing grade in comparison to the “straight A’s” galore on the transcripts of my brother and sister. Feeling like I didn’t work hard enough, naturally led to the state of depression I constantly found myself wallowing in.

3. How do you strengthen your relationship with God?

My relationship with God isn’t the greatest; a lot of people seem to think so, but it’s not. There have been so many times that I’ve lost my way with God, and I think one of the biggest times is now. Running away from God is probably one of the ugliest things I’ve experienced, especially in the state I’m currently in. And it’s honestly very hard; nobody ever said having a relationship with God was going to be easy. God Himself never promised a life without any storms; He only promised to be there beside you when it happens. I think the first step into strengthening a relationship with God is to have bible studies. Get the basics down, get questions you want answered, get concerns as a skeptic/new believer addressed. When you think you’re ready, try going to church more often; Churches usually dive into the Word and dissect stuff and help apply it to your life. I think the key thing, is to constantly talk to God. Most people mistaken prayer to be the “5 Hail Marys” or prayers of the sort, but it’s really all about talking to Him and communicating like he’s another friend, but a supernatural Being who loves unconditionally and never fails.

4. What are your goals in life?

For nearly four years, I didn’t know what my goal in life was. The constant drama, stress, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, self-hate slapped me so hard and too much in my face that I actually believed I couldn’t go on anymore. The fact that school increased all those things by a magnitude of a million and the fact that I was losing myself in my Christian faith, really made things worse. I dreaded waking up in the morning and I couldn’t sleep at night. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t know why God had chosen me even before I was born. Or why He thought I could handle all these burdens. I knew He wanted me here for a reason, but I thought I had no purpose here. I had doubts. I was angry. I was sad. I was confused. A couple of days ago I had a serious talk about “life” with my boyfriend. I couldn’t stop the tears and thoughts that my life should be taken. Then… this question came up. And so to answer his question, I now realize my goal is to live for God. To listen to His calling and to answer it. Do whatever it is that I was meant to do; help others. Seek out the weak and help. To provide, for my current family and future family. It’ll be hard, but worth it.

5. Who inspires you the most/What do you love most about your life?

My family, definitely. When I reflect on my last name, I think of honor, courage, strength, perseverance and support. I think of the honor my grandfather served with when fighting the war against Vietnamese communists, who eventually captured him as a POW. I think of the strength my grandma had during the eight years she had to raise her children alone while her husband was being tortured. I think of the courage my mother had in fleeing the country by boat as a refugee at such a young age with two younger sisters to look after. I think of the perseverance it took for my father to continually push through after severe losses and struggles due to the war. My boyfriend. The almost two years of our relationship has given me the greatest insight of who he is and what his life is about, and it’s more information than what I’ve received in an attempt friendship with him prior. The perseverance, brightness, love, laughter, and a word that’s better than happiness that he constantly and genuinely continues to share with and emit to others, through all the struggles that goes on in his life, never fails to captivate me. These people, these relationships are what I love most about my life and who/what constantly pushes me and inspires me.

I know this was extremely long, but I hope at least some of you stuck through it with me and got a little glimpse into my life. Thank you, reader. ☺