Fifty meters from the Northern
Shore, there appeared a rocky crag protruding from the calm sea. The clinking
of a chisel against Lawrencium crystal broke the silence and rebounded off the
hardened crystal walls of the partially filled cave. The aquamarine stone was
very difficult to remove from the roof of the cave, but he needed it. According
to the studies he had conducted on himself, the radioactive cells in his brain
were about to reach his hippocampus, the part of the brain responsible for
safeguarding his memories, his most treasured possessions. According to his
calculations, the radioactivity of the crystal would decay those cells into a
form of heavy metal that wouldn’t harm him.
Satisfied with the results of his
expedition, he smiled to himself as he approached his beat up Jeep.
As he reached for the door handle,
he heard a taunting voice behind him say, “Good afternoon Professor Felkon.”
His body went numb.
“We were just wondering what a
bookworm like you is doing out spelunking.”
Without turning around, the
professor responded, “I was just out for a nature expedition.”
“Your gamma signature says
otherwise,” retorted the government official.
[…]
That
was the last he remembered. The official had left him on the steps of his house,
and after taking account of the recent events, he was suddenly aware of the
throbbing in his head. The impact of the official’s gun on his neck had
aggravated his already dismal situation. He thought about how the new regime
had killed all his friends because they believed that the poor were the roots
of their problems. Now the professor had to contend with his debilitating
ailment, that each moment was getting closer to his hippocampus. In addition,
he was the only one who knew about the ultra-gamma radiation that the
Lawrencium emits and how to stop the radiation.
Spurred on by rage, he went to the
local bazaar and scavenged electrical parts from an old cathode ray tube TV and
a radio wave transceiver. He used these to fashion a device that would emit signal
that acted as a human EMP, shutting down the human body momentarily.
As he
approached the weapons facility where he knew that the Lawrencium crystal would
be stored, he tried to formulate a plan in his head. However, he found this
almost impossible because of the relentless throbbing in his head. He
approached the gates.
“Sir,
you are not allowed anywhere near this facility.”
Felkon
responded by discharging two “human EMPs” with the whip of his wrist. The
charges leveled the two guards and allowed Felkon to take their security passes
and enter the premises. Four officials crumpled in the same manner after he
walked through the lobby and into the elevator. As he clutched his head from
the searing pain, he scanned the elevator directory and found the materials
R&D sector. As he stepped off the elevator, he quickly found the storage
unit, located the Lawrencium crystal, and collapsed under the unbearable pain,
seeing spots. The lifesaving crystal slowly rolled out of his hand and out of
his reach…
45 comments:
Joel, this story was great! It was captivating, well-written, and suspenseful. Your science background was definitely evident through your esoteric vocabulary and it made the piece all the more interesting. My heart sunk a little upon reading the last sentence; I hope Professor Felkon survives. Well done!
-Christina Tapia
That was such a sad and unexpected ending! All the professor wanted was to save himself, and he went through the trouble researching, harvesting the Lawrencium crystals, and making the human EMP to take out the guards. But in the end, he did not get what he wanted--at least not in time. It was a good science fiction that could perhaps be made into a film! Good job!
-Ben Chang
I like your use of strong vocabulary. It definately allowed me to feel smarter as I was reading along. The way you described the professor's mission made me root for the professor all the way...too bad for him that he was unable to complete his mission. I liked your use of suspense and the unexpected ending made your story especially interesting :) good job!
Your impressively wide range of vocabulary adds a great effect to the piece. It adds an in depth level of sophistication which makes you want to keep reading along with the descriptive imagery throughout the whole story.
Wow this piece really made me think! And by think, I mean I had to stop at every other sentence to fully grasp the plot of the story because of your grand vocabulary. Very impressive! And I like the part about memories being his favorite possessions, it made me cry. This piece was fun to read because you maintained a perfect balance of suspension, scientific gimmicks, and creativity. GREAT JOB JOEL! :)
I really liked how you incorporated your knowledge of science into the story, and it made it sound like you knew what you were talking about. I also loved the suspense throughout the piece. My stomach dropped at the end, but overall it was a very good piece!
leaving the reader uncertain of the proffesor's fate is a nice touch. you are able to gather so much from so few words. great job
-Justin Myers
Joel, this piece was SO "you"! I don't even know what half these words mean (yes, I googled spelunking...( but I was still captivated by your story! It felt like a real sci-fi novel; it was so ironic how he was so close to getting the cure at the end! I loved the part where the official says, "Your gamma signature says otherwise." For some reason, I read that line in your voice!
Joel, this story was so "you!" Even though I didn't know half the vocabulary words in here (yes, I googled spelunking!) it was still easy to follow along and be engaged in the story. It felt like I was reading a real sci-fi novel! My favorite part was when the official said, "Your gamma signature says otherwise." For some reason, I read that line in your voice!
Nice job. The story was brilliantly written. I like the genre of science fiction and this story truly peaked my interest. From the beginning you used an elaborate and interesting array of imagery. From describing the ocean waves to describing Professor Felkon invention I could really picture each situation in the story. I also liked the use of the "good old" cliffhanger, it always seems to work. Overall not bad not bad at all.
Aw man! I'm so sad, but this was definitely worth reading. Your style built up suspension. Even though there was fighting, I still felt like it had a lot of action just because of the intense descriptions.
It is very clear through all your scientific jargon that you really have been in Ms. Min's room working on Chemistry, which is why you are late to fifth period AP English all the time (:
Your use of imagery in the story really made it come to life. I could picture Professor Felkon out by the sea struggling to retrieve the Lawrencium crystal. His motive to retrieve this crystal- to preserve his memories- gave the scientist who would commonly be received as cold and work obsessed, a more soft and human side. This made the professor easier to relate to, giving some more sting to the ending with the crystal just out of his reach.
Joel, The detail with which you described the story allowed me to picture what you were writing as clearly as if I had thought of the setting myself. I can tell you put a lot of thought into your story because of the fact that you took the time to describe even the color of the crystal and because you used vocabulary that fit well with the topic of your piece. Writing the story so that his memories were what was being threatened allowed me to sympathize with your character and wish that he would succeed. My heart sank when they got to him outside of his Jeep and I thought it was all over at that point, so when I read that he was able to get up and make a "human EMP", I was really hopeful that he would succeed. That made your ending even more sad because he failed not once but twice and the second time he was even closer than the first. Your choice to organize your story this way was smart because it kept me at the edge of my seat and I found myself feeling as if I was trying to get to the crystal myself. Very creative and well planned.. Great job!
I don't really understand the whole plot of the story. I don't get the story as a whole, but I love the little bits you put in there. The use of all the futuristic electronics definitely added some excitement.
-Quade Ferguson
Joel. You are a visionary. I read this and the diction matches the scientific, analytical tone of your work. It's really cool to be in the mind of the narrator as he "makes calculations" and "forms conclusions." This was really interesting to read!
Your story was so detailed and descriptive adding to the suspense of the story, I think this was what made the story so interesting. Very educated language and your extensive science background becomes prominent in your story(: Good Job Joel!
That was an amazing story Joel! It was extremely well written, I even found myself looking up the meaning of some vocabulary words you used, which is great! It's always a plus to learn new things! Your dialogue made the story very intriguing. I was so attached to your story as I read it, which made me so upset that Professor Felkon couldn't complete his mission :( Keep up the great work! :)
This was one heck of a story! Your vocabulary was awesome, you captivated your audience, and you left it on a cliff hanger! It was interesting and very strong and I really, really liked it! Good Job Joel!
Taylor Robles
This is a cool, futuristic type of world you have created with Felkon. I like the scientific jargon involved in this piece; it further enhances this fictional universe where people are not ignorant of science and tools like gamma ray detectors are everyday tools this society uses. This quick one-shot is intriguing. Did everyone in this world have the ability to use human TEMps as a weapon? Did others have different variations of this "superpower"? You wrote a great piece.
This is a cool, futuristic type of world you have created with Felkon. I like the scientific jargon involved in this piece; it further enhances this fictional universe where people are not ignorant of science and tools like gamma ray detectors are everyday tools this society uses. This quick one-shot is intriguing. Did everyone in this world have the ability to use human TEMps as a weapon? Did others have different variations of this "superpower"? You wrote a great piece.
This piece is very interesting! Your writing shows that you know your stuff very well. The imagery was great, I had a movie play out in my head.The ending was such a plot twist, very well done.
Just by the paradoxal title, there was a hint that something ominous was going to occur and sure enough you delievered! The story had a lot of suspense and left off with an unexpected, unfortunate ending. Not only in your word choice, but just the structure of the piece made it captivating and suspensul ! Great Job!
I really like this Joel because of the suspense and it was very well-written. The ending was sad but all in all it was a really good story. The way you describe the professor's mission shows that he was really dedicated toward his mission. Great Job.
Joel I can totally hear you narrating this story. You personality and interests are quite evident in your story. The story itself is very interesting, even though I got lost a few times because of the scientific jargon used. Besides this I really enjoyed the story
NOOO!! This can not be where your story ends! It was amazing and the details that you put into your story was imbeccable! Your story sounded very well researched and I felt like I was in the middle of a real book. I only wish that there was more to read so keep up you comendable writing!
-Rachael Rubalcava
JOEL WHY WOULD YOU END IT LIKE THAT HE WAS SO CLOSE TO MAKING IT. The ending, despite the sad, unexpected, and dark twist, was really good and literally left me with a shocked look on my face. I really enjoyed this, all of the imagery made everything so vivid and it reminded me of an action movie. I also liked all of the science stuff you put in there, because i know you wrote it all of the details seem so credible. Good Job!!!
i thought the story was great. the diction you used was awsome and made it better. i thought the ending was sad butt all in all it was a good story
I was really impressed by your imagery. Just reading it made it seem so realistic. I feel there may be a moral to the story because the professor was unable to get what he wanted, but that's just my opinion. Great Job. I really did enjoy it.
The fact that you entwined science and narrative together in a real grasping story is not surprising whatsoever. The vocabulary used in this piece is very impressive to the point that every word used fit the whole story perfectly. Sentence structure flowed very well and I didn't encounter any hiccups when reading. However, I wished it was a tad bit longer of a story. It was great and I wanted to know more about the world of Felkon and what society is like in his fantasy. It gave me a very sci-fi feel and those are some of the best storied around. I was able to imagine Felkon's short journey here and I'm not surprised you hit it out of the ball park. Great job!
First of all, I was just geeking out as I read this and realized that I understood what was happening. Aside from that, it certainly is a testament to your writing abilities that you were able to pack so much excitement into such a short story. You have an intriguing vocabulary and it is wonderful how properly you put it to use. I was engaged from the first line and found myself inching closer to the screen of my computer, not able to read the next line fast enough. The ending just about made me rip my hair out in frustration.
I like this story Joel! I like how you made it very suspenseful like an action movie. But in the end it was very sad because the professor almost saved his life. It's inspiring because he did whatever he can to save his life. Nice job Joel!
This was very entertaining and suspenseful. This science fiction piece was well written and your vocabulary made the piece that more interesting. I was surprised that the scientist could not hold on for a little longer and put the Lawrencium crystal to good use. Great Job!
- Cody Molla
I really liked your story a lot!! it was well written and interesting to read. I also liked the way you wrote your story very touching especially in the end it was sad but unexpected which made the story interesting to read. Good Job!!
-Natalie Anguiano
Really good story. The amount of detail is compelling considering the short length of this piece. I didn't see that ending coming; it was a very nice twist. Good job overall
Professor, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The hero was a second too late, a nice change from the success at the last second. Its sad none-the-less, but the advanced vocabulary and unexpected setting made the story oddly relateable for some reason
Your story is very interesting. I like how you utilized various scientific terms. I had to look up some of the words you used such as lawrencium, hippocampus, spelunking, etc. which sort of made this a very mature piece that takes effort to comprehend. I was just wondering... Shouldn't the "Human EMP" device also affect the user himself? Anyways, this was a well thought out piece. Good stuff!
This was an amazing story, and I especially appreciated the little details, like the beat up jeep. I want to know even more about all the people that had been lost, and how this new regime came to power! A well written story leaves the reader wanting more and you accomplished just that.
-Jack McDonald
Joel, I cannot believe you. I feel like this deserves to be a section in all science books as a "study breaker" of some sort. Your high vocabulary and skill in developing the story so brilliantly kept me reading on. Although your intelligence surpassed mine by far, I was engaged in the story and was dedicated to learn more about what contributions each event meant for the plot of the story. Good job Joel!
Hi Joel,
You're really smart and this story just accentuates it even more. You used such high vocabulary, however you used it in moderation so that the average reader could understand the story. I liked that you ended the story at a cliffhanger; did Felkon die or...?
I also like that you incorporated your science knowledge in your story as well, it gave it a personal touch, signature Radical(OEL). I really hope you understood that, if not, this is awkward.. Anyways, I'm just going to carry on with my life now, thank you for an intriguing read! (:
I really like that you made your story really detailed and allowed us as readers to get a lot of imagery. I like that you gave the story a suspenseful and unfinished ending because that left me wanting to read more! I really felt bad for the professor being that he wasnt able to save himself but this is the kind of story that calls for a series so I hope you keep coming up with a continuation and that he amazingly survives! GOOD JOB JOEL!! :D
As I was reading this story I brought up my calculator and was waiting to do some calculations about half-life but you made a story, not a lab report. That was amazing. It is so hard to write a science story and remember it is a story and not a bunch of calculations. Regardless, this story caught my interest because of all the sciency thoughts that did not understand. My curiosity level was pretty high during the whole story. The fact that I spent time looking up every one of those high vocabulary words tells you how captivating your story was. I was hoping this would be a happy ending, though. He made all the EMPs and he knew how to stop the radiation! Why kill him? Bring him to Etiwanda and make him teach a class or join S.O. or something.
As I was reading this story I brought up my calculator and was waiting to do some calculations about half-life but you made a story, not a lab report. That was amazing. It is so hard to write a science story and remember it is a story and not a bunch of calculations. I was so captivated by this! There were so many sciency things I did not know that it just held me in place trying to figure out what each was. The fact that I spent my time searching up every one of those high vocabulary words should tell you just how intriguing your story was. Your incorporation of science into this story added a part of you and I can see that you were having fun writing this. There is one thing I am kind of sad about though. This person knew how to make human EMPs, and knew how to stop radiation but you decided to kill him. Why not just enroll him in Etiwanda and make him teach a class or join S.O.?
Great job! Loved the suspense of the story and the imagery really helped to develop the plot. Your story is very cinematic and captivating hope know if things actually end well for the professor. -Haley B
Nice work Joel! Makes you cherish your memories even more. I was not expecting the story to end like that, I was rooting for Professor Felkon the whole way through.
this story is very mysterious i liked the imagery and setting it made it so much more creepy and good
-Chelsea Gonzales
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