Captain Charles Hansen was an adventurous man who only had
one purpose in life, to sail the seven seas in search for the unknown treasures
of the world. Captain Charles was definitely a risk taker willing to put
himself and his crew in danger in order to achieve this purpose. So when news
came to him that there was an undiscovered mysterious island off the coast of
Australia that was said to have the Blood Diamond, Captain Charles was more
than willing to make the journey. The Captain gathered his crew and set sail at
once because he knew that the sacred Blood Diamond was the key to one of the
greatest treasures of all everlasting immortality.
The crew and its Captain had sailed for 40 days and 40 nights
until they finally reached their destination, the island was enclosed with an
eerie amount of thick fog that blocked out the sun and left an ominously
disturbing grey sky. The fearless Captain continued to maneuver the ship towards
the islands shoreline while the crew members waited anxiously for what the
island had in store. When the Captain and his crew were safely ashore, the
Captain instructed “Split up! Search the entire island there is abundant
treasure here and we will find it! I don’t care how long it takes. Search!!”
The crew members split up into different groups leaving the Captain and two
other men named Ray Becket and Jim Winchester to search the reefs along the
island.
On the reef there is a
sweet disturbing scent in the air Captain Charles starts to feel a bit shaken.
Suddenly there is movement in the water Ray turns toward the others and says
“Did you see that there is something in the water, did you see it?!” Jim replies with “Yeah, what was that?” The
Captain with his curiosity walks towards the water, anxiously Ray says
“Captain, wait you don’t know what’s in there.” Captain Charles ignores Ray and
continues walking, when he gets closer to the water he starts to hear singing
but it is only a whisper. The Captain stops abruptly and listens to the singing
it is a soft womanly voice he is enchanted by it. Jim seeing that the Captain
has stopped becomes worried and runs towards him Ray soon follows. “Captain
what’s wrong” Jim says, but the Captain shushes Jim and says “Shh Listen!
Listen!” Ray and Jim listen intently they also hear a soft woman’s voice
singing they are also enchanted. While they are enchanted a beam of sunlight
breaks through the fog and shines on a women emerging from the water. Ray, Jim,
and The Captain watch in awe of this beautiful creature she is radiant with
eyes as blue as the sea and hair as golden as the sun, a creature of the sea
she had a glimmering fish tale instead of legs. Captured by her spell the
creature ushers the men forward to join her in the water.
16 comments:
I loved the story! The imagery that you incorporated was great and really added to the story. By the end I was expecting to read more and was so sad that there wasn't more to read! It kept me enthralled the whole time great job and hope to read more!!
I like how much detail you used in your story. It really allowed me to picture everything in my head as I read. I like the concept of the enchanting mermaid similar to the idea of the Sirens. It was interesting to find out that this captain who was so determined to find this treasure was deceived by this mermaid's song. Nice job.
This story is so cute !Loved how I could imagine the story in my head.Good job :) -Alexis Chiong per6
Haley, this was such a cute story! It reminded me of a cross between The Odyssey and Peter Pan. I love how you warned against the evils of greed through a fairytale. Your use of imagery was superb; I had a complete vision of the island in my head. I liked how the open-ended conclusion of the men's fate left room for imagination. Way to go girl!
-Christina Tapia
That was really good. The imagery was incredible, and i especaily liked how the words just really floated out with story. Even the title intriuged me. :)
-Alexandra Urena
I loved it! As a child, mermaids was my favorite game to play in the pool, and this story reminded me of that time in my life. It also had a Pirates of the Caribbean feel to the story. Which are some of my favorite movies. This story leaves me wanting to hear the rest. Great work!
- Hannah Mueller (12) per.5
Now I'm left wondering if they all drowned or if somebody came back to save them. This was such a cute fairy tale! Great job!
I loved the story i like how the captin is determind to find the gem but later being enchated
~Ashleigh Perez
I really liked your story! It was interesting and held my attention through the entirety of the story. The characterization of Captain Charles was effective and only added to your story because it allowed the reader to understand his thought behind his actions, Great use of imagery as well. Good job!
- Jessica Berrie
This reminded me of Pirates of the Caribbean, the search for immortality and the long journey along with the killer mermaids! All are the elements of a great pirate story! I enjoyed all of the detail, and reading the first paragraph made me want to go out and seek the Blood Diamond, that was up until i read the ending.
Awww, but they'll never get to reach the treasure. I liked the introduction of the mermaid, especially how the men went from being so afraid of something in the water to being enchanted by her. I wish there was more to it so we could see what happens to the men, but I suppose from that ending, we can infer what their fates will be. The story was nicely written, and had good pacing to it. You didn't get too fast or too hasty with just throwing in the mermaid, but you took time to build it up, which was suspenseful and effective. Great Job!
Oh my! You left me hanging at the end of the story and I loved it ! You did a great job building the background story of Captain Charles, and it was shocking to see that such an experienced sailor like him fell into the mermaid's enchanting song. It is very interesting to think about the effect that women have over men. Great job !
This was a very nice story! You had a great use of imagery and detail and I liked that you wrote about a mermaid through the perspective of a human. I wonder what happened to the Captain and his crew? Great job.
-Alexandra Aguilar
I love stories that end with cliffhangers. You can't help but be left with suspense at the thought of the characters' impending actions. Your use of imagery really allowed me to be part of the crew and observe the actions of the greedy Captain Charles. There was even some foreshadowing of the Captain's future. Good job!
This immediately reminded me of the sirens! I definitely agree with Christina on how its like a cross between the Odyssey and Peter Pan! The imagery made it very easy to imagine what was going on, almost putting yourself there on the island with the explorers! Good Job!
Who doesn't love a good pirate story? I love the characterization of the captain and his crew; I did have a feeling that they were going to rebel against him, but I guess the lure of treasure halted them in their efforts. I honsetly thought that the mermaid was going to eat them or turn out to be like the ones from Harry Potter, although the mermaid did remind me of Percy Jackson. I loved hoe the ending was left for the reader to decide their fate. I do wonder what happened to the rest of the crew. Good job!
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