Losing someone is something that everyone will go through at least once in their life, death is inevitable. People don’t expect to lose their parents in their childhood because why would you? Parents should always be there for you, right? However, losing a parent was a reality for me. My dad passed away when I was just 6 years old. I have a few vague memories with him like watching Spongebob in the morning and my 4th birthday party. He was fairly young, in his 40s, and loved by everyone in my family. He loved a lot of things like Spongebob, peanuts, South Park (like my cousin Merrill who is named after him) and rock music. He was even in a band with my uncles and his friends when they were in high school. He was taken too soon and I’m sure that anyone who knew him would agree. Loss and grief can be funny in a way, they come hand in hand yet feel so different. Grief is a grueling process that took me years to be able to understand. It is still something that I don’t fully understand to this day. Although I have been living with my aunt and uncle for most of my life, I still miss my dad after all of these years. It hurts to say this but I envy those who have living dads. I (oh so) wish that could be me. There are several milestones that my dad has missed and will continue to miss throughout my life such as going to my first dance, meeting my friends throughout the years (including my best friend), graduating from high school and so much more. I don’t ever think that this feeling of grief will go away, it is intertwined with my life.
I always wonder what people think whenever I tell them that I live with my aunt and uncle instead of my parents and the reasons behind it. I’ll ask myself questions like “Do they judge me? Do they feel sorry for me? Do they even understand what I’m telling them?” These questions are always at the back of my mind when I’m telling my story but I will probably never get those answers. People do feel sorry for me, I’m sure. Many give me that meek smile and a pat on the back with a sympathetic look matched with the standard “I’m so sorry for your loss” which isn’t a bad answer, it’s the most plausible one. But how do you respond to that? “It’s okay, really! I’m fine.” is my go-to answer. It’s a simple answer, one that many will just shrug off. However, I understand their perspective because many people don’t know how to respond after someone has told you that they lost their dad and don’t live with their parents. It’s something that not many people have gone through in their life. I’m very open about my dad’s death and even though I’m so open about it, some of my friends still don’t know. For example, I was talking about an unrelated subject with my friend a few weeks ago when I brought up my mom and eventually she asked me about both of my parents. Only my very close friends know about my mom so I knew that she wouldn’t know about her. But my dad? She didn’t know about him either and why I live with my aunt and uncle. I was very surprised to say the least. Surely all of my friends know about my dad, right? Nope. Not everyone. So I had to explain all over again about my dad, which I don’t mind but it can get tiring after a while. She said something that really stuck with me and made me so glad that I have people by my side.
As the title says, there are many things that people don’t tell you when you lose someone. It’s taken differently by everyone, of course. There isn’t a “clear” process for grief. It works in weird ways. I can’t define my way of grieving because it was so complex and confusing but I can tell you one thing: it doesn’t stop you completely. Grief doesn’t stop me from enjoying life. It does pass by and I will get sad about little things that remind me of him. Hell, I couldn’t even listen to rock music when I was younger because it reminded me so much of him. But because I live with my aunt and uncle and not my parents, I’ve met some amazing people at this school and when I was younger. I became friends with people that I probably wouldn’t even be friends with if I didn’t live with my aunt and uncle. I wouldn’t have gotten close to my cousins who I live with (who I also practically call my siblings now because they most definitely feel like my siblings). I would’ve lived a much different life if my dad was alive, which is a little heartbreaking to say. Writing this piece has made me think about different points in my life and my thoughts on it, which is still very confusing. Yes, losing my dad was one of the worst things in my life and if I could, I would rewrite my life so that my dad is still alive and here with me today. Losing a parent is not something that a young child should go through, it is a pain much too heavy for one to bear. This loss has also changed me as a person but I have healed in a way from it. You may have forgotten this already but the thing that my friend said that stuck with me, and probably will forever, was “You’re a very brave girl and a lot of other people think so too.” It reminded me that although I have gone through a lot in life, I’m still here with those I love by my side. I miss you every single day, Dad. Rest in peace and this one's for you.
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