"Why Bother Caring?" by Laura C

Warning: Mild discussion of Anorexia

We live in a society where we have to suppovily live up to be this perfect person and look a certain way. But why do we have to constantly think about what we are going to wear tomorrow, the way we act or counting every last calorie? We always ponder about what others think about us, even though they are thinking the same exact thing about us. When I was a little kid, I was either known as the really quiet kid, Mrs. Clark’s daughter, or the kind of weird girl. But never once did I ever think of what the other kids thought of me. I just was myself. They could have been saying how weird or annoying I was and I would have never known because I was never taught to make impressions on people. My friends would ask me “What is your most embarrassing moment?” and I would never know what to say, because I did not think of what other people thought of me.

Then came middle school.

Some kids made comments on my forehead, teeth, or eyebrows every now but it never got to me. I learned to like those attributes of myself because my Dad once had those exact features painted on his face. 7th grade I did NOT like my classmates, and I was never scared to call out the kids and stick up for myself when needed. But, I also never had a good set of friends, and by 8th grade I basically had none, but I did not mind. I enjoyed the company of myself in my teachers classroom during lunch, mindlessly eating dinosaur chicken nuggets while watching netflix on my phone. I honestly could have been bullied in my middle school days, and never knew it because I did not think of what other people thought of me.

Until the very last day of 8th grade.

Yes, I remember the exact spot, exact place, exact person, exact time. I was being my typical stubborn self when we were in 8th grade promotion rehearsal, when me and this boy got into a little disagreement. He decided his comeback would be,” Shut up Laura, you look anorexic.” Never in my life has anyone said this to me, and really threw me off guard. I knew I was not sick like that, and was not my story at all. I was really just a late bloomer and my body could not catch up with my growing height. You would think such a thoughtless and ignorant comment would just slide off my back. But it did not. It changed my brain's wiring and how I looked at myself and even the world. I started to care what other people thought of me.

It got even worse when I got into highschool and went into band. People were expecting me to be this crazy talented saxophone player, because of my siblings' success. The saxophone was literally bigger than me. They never called me anorexic to my face, but always made fun of how weak I was, and side remarks to each other. I never realized how much of a bad environment I was in, until much later but quickly left. But I still cared about what other people thought of me.

My insecurities were then mainly based on how skinny I was again. I always had compared myself to other girls my age and they didn’t look as skinny as me. I tried to eat more, but that was not the problem and my weight was something I learned I could not control. I was very sensitive when people told me I was skinny, had long legs, said I looked anorexic, because no matter what I did, I just stayed the same. I used to be in an unhealthy relationship in which one incident he made a joke with his friend right in front of me about how I looked “so anorexic”. He knew how insecure I was but still decided to make the joke anyways, me being mute the rest of the day drowning in my thought of insecurities. Still caring about what other people thought of me.

Then quarantine hit.

2020 was the year I went back to my old habits. Broke up with the boyfriend, started reading again, rewatched my favorite TV series, rode my RAZOR scooter everywhere, all the fun stuff. Most importantly, I had so much alone time with myself just like how it was in middle school. It took me some time, but without this constant pressure of my peers I learned to focus on myself and that only. In 5 years from now, you are not going to care or even acknowledge these people that you are constantly worrying about making an impression on. Once I learned this during quarantine I felt like I had all this time on my hands, because before I constantly tried to fix myself to meet the social standards. I no longer cared or thought of what other people thought of me.

In the long run, never judge someone by the way they look, and do not just make assumptions about them. You never know what little comment can do to someone's self esteem. :)