In the summer of 2011, I travelled to China to visit my relatives. My mom and cousins
convinced me to venture out to the beach and I agreed, ignoring the adamant voice in my head
telling me I can’t swim. After we got off the plane, a fresh fragrance of ocean water and coconut
trees engulfed my senses. I slowly stepped out and was immediately blinded by the iridescent
sunlight. The nearby town was quiet as all the residents were still sleeping soundly in their
homes. We set out beach towels down on the sandy beach and began setting up our tents. My
mother realized that she forgot her umbrella and said, “I’m going back to the hotel to retrieve my
umbrella. Have some fun in the ocean, don’t just stay on the beach.” However, I was still too
scared to be carried away by the strong grip of the ocean. I stayed on the beach for a little while
longer, lazily constructing a flimsy sand castle. As I look out into the vast sea, the sound of
beating waves soothe me. I hear the voice of the ocean calling me in to explore her beauty
closely and intimately. Should I go? I’ve never talked to strangers but she sounded almost
familiar. Her deep blue eyes beckoned for me to come closer and closer and her soothing voice
whispered sweet promises. At an excruciatingly slow pace, I feel myself being pulled like an
impotent magnet into the waters. My conscience warned me about my lack of swimming abilities
at the time, but I dismissed the thought as quickly as it appeared. My feet gradually carried me
to the edge of the shore. I submerged one foot into the water..another foot.. Suddenly, I was
swept away by a wave of blue. The bitter salt stained my tongue as I desperately tried to obtain
oxygen. After a few attempts, I realized how inferior I was to the vicious grip of the ocean. I let
the waves drag me farther out into the sea while I imagined myself at home, under the warm
blankets. After what felt like hours, my head finally emerged from the waters. I looked around.
Nothing. I tried desperately to paddle back with my flimsy lifesaver, but the ocean was reluctant
to let me return. At last, two men spotted my 9 year old self and safely lugged me back to shore.
As my toes once again stood on solid ground, I turned around to meet the ocean’s gaze one last
time. She stared back, tempting me to explore her beauty, a beautiful siren singing to an
unsuspecting sailor, slowly luring him to his demise.
There have been many stories of brave souls who perished from drowning in the ocean, about people who fearlessly challenged the sea and failed. Why would we wish to indulge in activities that are filled with risk and danger? My nine year old self was not the least accustomed to swimming, and yet I didn’t think twice about diving into the ocean. Now, I wonder where that sense of bravery, or perhaps recklessness, had come from. I became traumatized after that incident and swore to myself never to touch water again. I didn’t want to experience such a near death experience again. Childhood experiences were meant to mold a person into not repeating his/her mistakes. Nevertheless, a few years later, I joined the swim team. A few years after that, I joined my high school’s water polo team. Every game feels like drowning as opponents try to pull you down, but I loved the adrenaline. Thinking back, how did I not become the water’s prisoner? Is this an innate nature of human beings to overcome any obstacle in their way? The answer must not be so simple, or we would’ve already solved the mystery.
This tendency to face our problems has always been an integral part of our learning experiences. Only through trial and error would we improve and ascend. Evolution has proven that the strongest and fittest survive adaptations. If one fail discourages everyone from trying again, they will lose to the forces of nature. Although we do not need to fight for our survival anymore, the only true way to happiness and success is to be bold enough to try everything. If
There have been many stories of brave souls who perished from drowning in the ocean, about people who fearlessly challenged the sea and failed. Why would we wish to indulge in activities that are filled with risk and danger? My nine year old self was not the least accustomed to swimming, and yet I didn’t think twice about diving into the ocean. Now, I wonder where that sense of bravery, or perhaps recklessness, had come from. I became traumatized after that incident and swore to myself never to touch water again. I didn’t want to experience such a near death experience again. Childhood experiences were meant to mold a person into not repeating his/her mistakes. Nevertheless, a few years later, I joined the swim team. A few years after that, I joined my high school’s water polo team. Every game feels like drowning as opponents try to pull you down, but I loved the adrenaline. Thinking back, how did I not become the water’s prisoner? Is this an innate nature of human beings to overcome any obstacle in their way? The answer must not be so simple, or we would’ve already solved the mystery.
This tendency to face our problems has always been an integral part of our learning experiences. Only through trial and error would we improve and ascend. Evolution has proven that the strongest and fittest survive adaptations. If one fail discourages everyone from trying again, they will lose to the forces of nature. Although we do not need to fight for our survival anymore, the only true way to happiness and success is to be bold enough to try everything. If
we allow every mistake to confine us by the walls of fear, soon enough, we would be imprisoned
by our own conscience, never free to grow and develop. By attempting and accomplishing a
task we formerly thought was impossible, we have gained one new skill that will follow us along
our journey. Regarding my decision to vanquish my fears and take up a water sport, I believe it
is the innate pride and determination in all humans to overcome any difficulty in their way. At the
end, I am able to say that I didn’t back down after the ocean’s claws smothered me. Instead, I
have defeated her by reentering the waters, and quelling my fears.
36 comments:
I really like your use of diction (adamant, iridescent, impotent, etc.), as well as, the personification of the ocean as an alluring force. I also really like the connection between drowning and water polo. - Cameron Hunter
Wow! I am absolutely flabbergasted!!!! I love your vivid imagery describing your struggle in the ocean, specifically with the taste of “bitter salt,” being “swept away by the ocean,” and getting “dragged” farther and farther into the ocean. I completely understand that feeling and fear of the ocean. I feel as if I am actually there, in your shoes, tumbling in the ocean and always gasping for air. But, I especially love how you, instead of retreating from your fear, fought back and conquered your fear. Continue the amazing writing and conquering your fears!
What a beautiful piece of writing! I love how you utilized imagery to portray the intensity of almost drowning in the ocean and compared the sea to a “beautiful siren singing to an unsuspected sailor”. This clear image perfectly expressed just how enticing the water seemed despite your underdeveloped swimming skills at the time. I also appreciated how you turned your different experiences in the ocean and the pool into a moment of reflection to show just how important it is to conquer our fears. Great work Brianna! - Gabriella Merino
This piece is amazing! I loved the imagery when you wrote about the sea calling out to you. My favorite part is when you wrote about the sea being siren calling out because I feel like the myth of the sirens are a perfect parallel to your story as both use their beautiful nature to lure one into danger. I'm also really glad that you were able to overcome your trauma and join the water polo team, it makes the last line very powerful. - Isabella Patterson
Inspiring! And very alluring! I felt as though I was getting "closer and closer" to the ocean as "her deep blue eyes beckoned' to you and as "her soothing voice whispered sweet promises." The reflective inquiry on how you didn't become the "water's prisoner" and the shift from an afflicted tone (at the beginning) to the triumphant tone (toward the end) undoubtedly evinces the vim and vigor you possess. Great work!
I love vivid imagery which is prevalent throughout this piece. When you were describing your experience in the ocean I felt as if I was there in the moment experiencing this traumatic event. Well done!-Simerpreet Dhesi
Brianna, your ability to use descriptive imagery is amazing! Your writing literally transported me to the beach. I loved how you personified the sea having "deep blue eyes" that lured you towards her like a "beautiful siren." Your writing did an exceptional job of painting a picture in one's mind. Nice work!
This piece was done clearly and I liked how descriptive you were with each scene. What I also found interesting was how you turned something traumatic into something you overcame.
Oh my god, this was such a beautiful piece, had me on a feeling of respect ever since the "I hear the voice of the ocean calling me in to explore her beauty closely and intimately. Should I go? I’ve never talked to strangers but she sounded almost familiar." I thought that was already an really amazing sentence then I read till the end and was in awe of how amazing the rest of the piece was, each sentence had it's own spotlight and filled with a message, leading up to the final lesson of not backing down and defeat your fear, which is absolutely a meaningful lesson.
I love how you personified the ocean first as a stranger and then as a siren. Your analysis on fear and how we face our problems is so on-point (especially when you said "the only true way to happiness and success is to be bold enough to try everything"). I especially enjoyed reading how even though you were scared of the ocean at first you ended up joining the swim team at school. I thought that was pretty cool.
I loved the way you start your story with an ominous tone and build to an assertive conclusion to the story. Your use of tone coincides with the structure and content of your story perfectly. I really enjoyed reading the build up you had of how you explained a traumatic experience that led to your personal development as a person and how you tied that to a universal theme of how being a human meant overcoming your fears and developing as person through venturing out to do things that might seem scary. Really good personal reflection piece! - Immanuel Babatunde
The entire story is truly an excellent reflection of the human experience. I love the way that you personified the ocean as a seductress, luring you in. Your conclusion ties so well with the rest of the story, and the idea that we as humans seem to be drawn to our fears is an excellent observation that really has me thinking. Overall, this was an excellent piece, good job! - Nathan Sandoval
Wow, the imagery really brought me into the story and made me see the setting you're describing perfectly. Also, the fact that you have overcome your fear and even made it a strength for you is inspiring! -Jaelani Phay
I loved the personification of the ocean, I actually got chills reading about it(her?). I, too, see the ocean as an irresistible temptress, because I had a similar experience in Hawaii when I was a child. I also really enjoyed the message at the end, how getting back on the saddle is really the best thing you can do for yourself to accomplish your goals. Again, beautiful imagery of the ocean at the beginning, it was inspiring. :)
- Eddie Yanez
I am so impressed with the way you presented this story. I was taken aback by the visual imagery, it really felt like I was a part of the story (although it was yours). I also was able to relate to your story because going to a new country I was mesmerized by the architecture and the scenery but I felt like I was being dragged out to sea with all the people that lived in London. Being away from your country felt like being dragged out to sea with having nothing you recognize. I like the fact that you can also reflect back from life experiences and create a positive message for other potentially finding something in themselves. Truly a great message. -David Garcia
Your story was absolutely riveting. Your usage of personification in regards to the ocean made it so captivating, leaving me at the edge of my seat. As I read more and more, I kept saying, "Oh my gosh! Is she going to be lured in? What's going to happen next?". In addition, you did a great job of setting up your story about the ocean to correlate it the message your were trying to convey at the end, further convincing your audience. You are a spectacular writer!
This work and your story was definitely unique. I really loved the way you presented this story with the imagery of the water. Your story was brought to life with the imagery you used. How you described the way you fought back against your fears really left me on the edge of my seat as I read this. Your story was very admirable and inspiring. Well done! - Aaron P.
your use of imagery was very good throughout your story. the word choice that you used helped portray the emotions you felt and your tone well. I appreciate your use of allusions such as the siren from Greek mythology along with the personification of the ocean. your use of diction led me to be immersed in the story and feel fear when you did, experience the same helplessness and awe of the ocean.- kayla j
This story was completely brought to life with the your strong language and imagery! I could clearly visualize everything you described, from the moment you stepped on to the beach to the moment you were picked out the ocean. The way you transitioned from your fear of swimming to your love for it was also done well and interesting!
I really loved the imagery that was used in this story since I felt like I was the one who was being dragged by the ocean's strong tide. I've also had an experience like this at Huntington beach with my friends in August where I simply wasn't able to swim back. So this piece really connected to my experience when you said for example that you were swept away by the force of the current and the taste of salt filled your taste buds. I vividly remember my experience of almost drowning and everything that happened in your story was extremely similar. Overall though, I enjoyed reading this great piece!
Your story was so inspiring that it gave me chills. The way you used the personification of the ocean to express your curiosity of its wonders but also as a sense of danger and death was so beautiful. And the message of being bold and adventurous was so inspiring! A++
-Cedrick Martinez
Brianna,
This story really hit hard and was very inspiring to read as it shows that one can overcome a deep fear which was associated with a near death experience. It inspires me to challenge my fears and tackle them head on instead of cowering away and letting the fear take over. Also I absolutely loved the use of Imagery within this piece! It was used so elegantly and with so much detail, I felt as if I was there experiencing this event as well. I also love that you now do water polo and swim although this memory lingers in the back of your mind every time you are in the water but you still choose to maintain this bravery and not let the water hold your prisoner like you said.
I really liked your use of imagery throughout your piece. When you connected the ocean to fear and how to overcome it is truly inspiring, You were able to keep me on the edge of my seat about what was going to happen next and I really got motivated at the end and I think that the message you tried to convey, really stood out. It was told in such an amazing way. -Linda Hung
Your exceptional use of figurative truly had me on the edge of my seat.The way you personified the ocean was absolutely captivating and made me feel as if I was actually being hypnotized by the oceans alluring tendencies. Your use of imagery was remarkable, it made me feel as if I was actually there on the beach. I also love how you overcame your fears by joining the swim team, all in all your piece is very inspiring. - Hannah Ekelem
Your entire story was truly marvelous. The use of imagery you added in your text truly uplifted my spirit. You kept me high in curiosity because of the amount of suspense going on throughout your whole story. This piece of literature is one that I really enjoy.
Illustrative and very-well detailed from beginning to end, this story felt like something professional! The use of many different literary devices, such as personification with the ocean and others, made this very interesting to read. Your journey is really well told here and it shows how much thought and time went into this piece. In the end, it all pays off as this story makes for a very impressive and memorable read.
I really liked your choice of words to describe each scene because it makes the story more vivid. The imagery and personification you used created this connection between me and the story. The message is beautiful and inspiring. The way you told the story and ended with a moral is great. Good job.
I really enjoyed reading this piece. The shift of tone from a baleful to asserting tone was done nicely, and your use of imagery when talking about the sea calling out to you really brought a strong emotion to me as I was able to clearly visualize and try and understand the many emotions you felt. Overall an incredibly beautiful piece. - Jaeyeon Romero
I think your use of imagery made your story extremely interesting. It made me feel like I was on the beach because of how intense the imagery was. I also liked how you linked your story to a lesson that you learned and how you overcame your fear.
-Melanie Lee
Your excellent use of imagery and description made your story absolutely captivating. I was able to visualize what was occurring and made me feel like I was there. I've had a similar experience which allowed myself to truly feel and recognize your thought process. The tone of your piece revealed how you were able to overcome this traumatic experience over time but still reminded about it. - Lauren Huso
Your flamboyant use of imagery enhanced a normal day at the beach to a suspenseful adventure. Your use of personification, simile, and metaphor of the ocean and its waves carrying you away by its "strong grip" and "like an impotent magnet" created a sense of irresistible force. Depicting and describing your thoughts and feelings while you were submerged as only a 9-year old child portrayed desperation and an acceptance of an unfortunate fate. Amazing use of constant and colorful diction always introducing a new feeling and emotion. - Adam Sorenson
This is absolutely outstanding! Your use of imagery throughout this piece drew me in and the way the story progressed was perfect. I loved how the conflict and suspense built throughout the story. I had no idea what was going to happen next! Your use of diction was also very mature and showed your understanding of the English Language. One of my favorite things about this piece was the way you compared the ocean to " a beautiful siren singing to an unsuspecting sailor, slowly luring him to his demise." Amazing piece Brianna. Fantastic job!
What really stood out to me the most in your story is how we learn and that it's done through trial and error. Sometimes that trial and error is a real kick in the teeth and that allows for us to learn in the harshest way possible. That carries on with us through our journey through life though and that is a blessing that I appreciate you showed in your story.
Throughout the story I was not only terrified for you, but I was wondering how you could ever go back into the ocean after this experience. Your triumph and survival is outstanding on its own, but your ability to head back into the water still shows your inner strength and compassion for not fearing the past or letting it hold you back. I was truly able to experience this with you because of your powerful imagery and personification of the ocean. This was very well written and you should be very proud!
The imagery within this piece blew me away. All my senses were deeply touched by the way you vividly described the lure of the ocean. The way you brought in question along with reasoning made the piece stronger. This story is truly inspiring and challenges me to touch bases with my deepest fears.-Kerin Bynum
I really enjoyed how you personified the ocean as a siren and a forceful entity. This piece was overwhelmingly tasteful from all the diction that created imagery, making the reader feel like they were the ones getting drowned. Great job!
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