"Words Hurt But They Also Heal" by Celine G

      Everybody has a limit, varying from simple things like how many miles you can
run in ten minutes to more complex things like how much emotional baggage can you actually carry around with you in one day. These limits can either push you to do better or drag you until you give up. My mom tells me all the time that there is only so much that a person could take. There is only so much that a person could take, but so much of what? My mom had made me listen to a song called “Too Much Love Will Kill You” by Queen and right then and there, I understood. Too much of everything can kill you, so there is only so much we could take. We have limits.
     About 5 years ago, I had went through the darkest times of my life. I was in the 7th grade, so the pre-teen emotions heightened every single feeling that I’ve ever felt. When I was annoyed, I became livid. When I was happy, I became overly excited. When I was sad, I became depressed. This was also around the time where I started to realize that I lost my dad, he didn’t pass away, he was just gone. I was always so innocent before 7th grade, not knowing what was happening around me, I didn’t realize I didn’t have a dad, I thought he was just away and that he will be joining the family soon.

    Being a 12 year old, this kind of thing really hits you, sadly it hits you hard and unexpectedly.
Unknowingly, I turned to poetry. At first, it was only pages upon pages, front and back, of feelings that I managed to spit out. I didn’t think I could turn something so rugged and broken into something so refreshing and beautiful. I found comfort in words and was completely wrapped in its arms. I remember the first poem I’ve ever written, it was for my sophomore english class and solely for extra credit. My teacher had told the class not to be afraid to get emotional and deep, I thought to myself, ‘this is the perfect opportunity for me to release everything I’ve been holding in’. That same day, I went home, immediately sat down on my bed and closed my eyes. I tried to picture where I wanted this poem to go, then my dad came to mind. I remember this so vividly, he walked in the door wearing his military uniform, my sister and I, without hesitation, ran into his arms and he carried us to our room to put us to bed but we were too happy to see him, we could not sit still. The sound of laughter and girlish screams can be heard throughout the entire apartment, my dad was chasing us through the hallways and when he managed to catch us, he’d throw us into the air repeatedly. This specific memory that came to my mind that day unlocked the pain I had locked away for years.
I grabbed my journal and began writing, paper after paper wasted, crumpled up, thrown away, but by the end of the night, everything came together and I was able to call what I wrote, a poem. I read my poem in front of the class a couple days later, two sentences in and I was already in tears, I can never explain into words the feeling I felt as I choke

up word after word of the cause of my brokenness, it was like relief with a mixture of hatred.
     Throughout my entire middle school years, I was a very soft-spoken person. I only talked when I was spoken to, I was afraid to get close to people, and I was never truly happy. Everyday felt like the same exact routine, I would wake up, shower, go to school, go home, do my homework, and cry until I fall asleep. There were times where I told my mom I felt sick so she would give me Nyquil, but I wasn't sick, I just wanted to go to sleep. Multiple voices haunted me as each hour passes by, they took over my mind and my body. These voices tells me that I would never find love in the future because growing up, I never knew how it felt like to be loved by a man. They tell me that I deserve to go through the pain and heartache. I still live with these voices, I've just gotten better at controlling them. Sometimes, my thoughts race in circles, destroying every little bit of happiness I believed I had, and I can still sit there, unfazed.
     As the years went by, burdens have been lifted off my shoulders, but not all of them. Things from the past still linger in my mind from time to time. Going through heartbreaks and fall backs doesn't make things any easier either, this is where I would tell myself that there is only so much I could take and I have the power to choose the things that I want to handle. I strongly believe that forgiving is the only thing you can do to handle situations, you don't have to forget, because once you've forgiven the people that have hurt you and, most importantly, once you've forgiven yourself, that's the first step to healing. You should never forget because your breakdowns carve a path to your breakthroughs, and the more you try to forget, the more its going to hurt you. Since

middle school, I've learned to learn from my mistakes, edging out every single detail that I did wrong or the other person did wrong, and bettering myself in the process. I've learned to heal from past pains and heartaches, controlling my thoughts and emotions so the only things I think about are the things that make me happy. Diving into the world of poetry is the best thing I could’ve ever done in my life, now I have my own little world, my own little sanctuary where I can be vulnerable and fragile and not have to worry about what others might think of me. These past years have felt like a very dizzy and traumatizing rollercoaster, but just like any rollercoaster, you can either get off or keep riding it, and I chose to get off.