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Monday, May 2, 2016

“Fine” By Victoria E


“... but if anyone asks tell them we’re fine.” Lisa told Lex, her best friend, as they were
heading home from the woods. The night before, they told their parents they were going to a
birthday party. Both of their parents agreed to let them go, as long as they were home by 10:00.
Unfortunately, Lisa and Lex did not make it home by 10:00.
Lisa and Lex met by the park. Once they met, they started walking to their friend’s house.
They decided to go through the woods because it was much faster than going by street. As soon
as they started walking into the woods, Lisa told Lex that she had an eerie feeling. Lex reassured
her and said “ There’s nothing to be worried about, this way is much faster..”
After walking less than a mile, they heard a noise. The noise started off as a rattle in the
bushes. The noise kept getting louder and louder, and whatever was causing it was getting closer
and closer. Lisa and Lex looked at each other for a split second and then started sprinting through
the woods.
Lisa tripped over a rock, and Lex tried to quickly help her up, but Lisa could barely move
her leg. Lex looked down at her leg and saw a huge scrape. There was a lot of blood coming out
of her leg. Lex grabbed her handbag and started looking through it in hopes of finding her first
aid kit. Luckily, she found it and started wrapping a band aid around Lisa’s wound. Lex heard
the noise again and told Lisa “Get up fast! I hear it again!”
Then suddenly, they saw a pair of reddish brown eyes peeking at them through the
bushes. They heard a low rumbling voice growling at them. Suddenly, they began to see
whatever was causing the noise, a dog. The dog slowly began walking out of the bushes and
revealed itself. It had foam coming out of it’s mouth and looked dirty and mangled. It was
positioning itself like a tiger getting ready to pounce on it’s prey. Just as it was about to attack
them, they hear a loud “BANG.” The dog collapsed on the floor, just as a tall man began walking
towards them. It was Lisa’s dad.
“Are you two okay?!” he said. “Yes we are now.” said Lisa. “C’mon let’s get you two
home.” Lisa asked “How did you know we were here?” Lisa’s dad said “I heard a rattling sound
and followed it through the woods. I’m just glad you girls are okay. Let’s go home now.” He
and Lex pick up Lisa since she was injured and they all went home. “I’m glad we’re okay.” said
Lex.” “Me too,” said Lisa. “Except you have a scraped leg, so you’re not completely okay Lisa.”
“... but if anyone asks tell them we’re fine.”

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Okay this is a great piece & the suspense you put through the story was great i really enjoyed ready it. Great Job!
Ashley Garcia
per.4

Unknown said...

Victoria,
Loved this piece, it was so intriguing. I would have loved to read a longer more developed version of this piece because it would have made a great story! Hope you keep writing, good job
Jazlynn Garcia
Period 2

victoria hurtado said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
victoria hurtado said...

the suspense in this piece was very entertaining. i really loved the imagery and description included throughout your writing. Great job!

victoria hurtado
period 5

Unknown said...

This was a very wel written story. The characters and the suspense allowed the reader to be completely emerged on what was going on. I couldn't wait to get to the end and see what was causing the noise! The story was very intriguing and well written! Good job! Keep writing :-)
-Annika Joshi

Anonymous said...

Wow the suspense was killing me! Its crazy that it was just a dog, I'm glad they were okay. Good Job!!!
~Madison Behee
Per.4

Unknown said...

Hi!! This story was really interesting and suspenseful! I really like how the story starts out with the same phrase it ended with, tying it all back together. The imagery was really clear and it helped me picture the scene better, especially when the dog attacked them. Overall, this was well written and I really enjoyed reading it! Good Job!

Fiona Cheung
Period 3

Unknown said...

So much imagery especially the dog with foam coming outs its mouth all dirty and standing in a tigers position ready to attack. I forgot I was reading a story seemed so real!! great job.

-Audriana Youssef
4th period Mrs. Cogswell

Anonymous said...

I loved how you used the line, "...but if anyone asks, tell them we're fine." It was well incorporated and very creative. I had a feeling that it was a spooky and frightening story when it was set in the woods. Throughout the story, I was wondering where the sound was coming from. Also, I was surprised when the dog was shot.

- Jessie Santos
Period 1

Unknown said...

Great use of suspense and vivid description. Also good use of a circulatory story with the repetition in beginning and resolution

Unknown said...

I loved your suspense throughout this story! The first line already had me wondering what could have possibly happened! Your detail kept my attention throughout the entire story. Excellent work!

Valarie Ly said...

This was a great piece. The suspense in the story was great. It just made me want to continue on reading it after every sentence. The use of imagery was great too, i could actually imagine the dog getting ready to make it's move. Great job overall!

-Valarie Ly
Period 1

Anonymous said...

this was a great and creative story i remember making a writing prompt about this ahh the good ol days
MArco Garcia~Ordaz
per.4