As the day was ending for most people, things started
to get quite at the store. Hi, my name is Thomas, and I work at the register
for McDonalds. Over the years of working here, I’ve noticed that thing don’t
seem as they normally do. Every day I am more convinced that there is someone
else besides me, Jeff and Pete that work for the night shift. We start work at
8pm and end at 5am. As things get quite, we begin to here creaks in the floor,
footsteps, and the worst one, glass shattering. It was late June 13, a Friday
when it happened. Once the big hand reached for 10, that is when things started
to get spooky, as normal. But this time, it wasn’t as normal. Who ever it was,
if it’s a who, was much more aggressive this night. It started with loud
footsteps that sounded like they were coming from the boss’s office; leading to
sounds of a feint cry. “This place is clearly haunted”, said Pete. “This place
ain’t haunted, pipe down will you”, said Jeff with his dialect. Jeff has always
seemed to be the more aggressive one out of all of us, but not tonight. As the
hours went by, things started to get a bit more crazy. At one point there was a
screech that caught all of us off guard. When it got to 1am, a loud bang went
off in the back where the storage is. We all shot up and went to where we heard
the bang. And what we found was incredible. Whatever it was manage to break a
hole through the metal cabinet and popped some of the hamburger bags. We were
stunned, our hairs sticking up from our necks. We decided to leave; but after
we got packed we heard as loud scream coming from the attic. I never wanted to
inspect the attic before. When I got hired, I always heard stories that came
from the attic. Now, I’m going to go up there to inspect. We got a ladder and
pulled down the attic door. Then we were at a standoff. We never chose who was
going up there first; so we did rock, paper, and scissors to battle it out.
“Ready” I said. “One… two… three!” We all through our hands in together at
once. Of course, with my luck I was beat and I had to lead. As I approached the
attic, my hairs on the back of my neck stood up. Scared as I was, I convinced
myself to face it and find out what was making the noise. And just when I poke
my head in the attic….
It’s been
three months since the incident at the store. Nothing we have ever expected to
be up there. The store was shut down and was put straight to investigation. I
still remember what I saw. Something that no man can ever see. The evilness…
start, of the invasion…
24 comments:
This story was so interesting! It drew me in with its name "The Invasion", since I like suspenseful stories. This was definitely a great start to a story that can evolve into something much longer. Why did you have to leave me wondering what happened?! Haha, but seriously keep on writing, because I'd love to see more about what happened, how this story progressed, and how the characters were affected.
Good Job!
Natalia Garcia
Period 2
When I began to read this I thought it'd be similar to a ghost story. However it is far from that. I want to know who and what was lurking up in the attic! the suspense is crazy!
Good job!
That was a very good story. I knew from the beginning that this would be a very interesting scary story. I loved how you started off introducing yourself of what your job is, where you work, and who you work with. I liked how at different time intervals, different things would happen during the shift like cries, screams, and bangs. It made me wonder what the thing would do next and what actually was causing all the ruckus. Also, I liked how you left the story off with a cliffhanger. Lastly, it made me think of the invasion. Well done!
- Jessie Santos
Period 1 Cogswell
The plot and idea of this story was very unique and interesting! A few tips that would enhance the development and suspense of this story would be to format the text more effectively, for example the first paragraph could be split into several smaller ones to place emphasis on the events taking place. Other than that and a few minor grammatical and spelling errors, I think this story had an excellent "mysterious" ending that definitely leaves the reading wondering and desiring more. Overall, I really enjoy how this story tied into the spooky theme of October and Halloween, so good job!
Sabrina H
Period 2
The story was really great, I liked that it was leading the readers to figure out was was making all that nosie. I also think its really cool that you leave the readers with something cool to think about. This was a really good story good job!!
Melodie B
Period 1
Very original, suspenseful, and a overall well written story. You made sure all of us were trying to figure out what was going on, and that's what made this story great. Keep writing!
The title is what brought me to read your story with the question "What invasion?" And the story did not disappoint! I enjoy this story alot. It was worded and written very well. with good description and left you with a good cliff hanger at the end.
Karina Blocker
Period 4
I enjoyed this story very much. I loved the cliff hanger. Your spelling was a bit off but that can be fixed. When I saw the title I instantly thought that this story was about a home invasion. My prediction was wrong. I love how you described what ever was seen to be evilness. Great job!
Brianna Barajas
Period 4
This was a really interesting read. The suspense in what could be invading the store really got to me. Great Job
-Michael D
Period 5
I think this story is a great reading the suspense makes you wanna read more about it and to figure out what really is going on in the attic that he once heard many stories about .
Alexis Medina
period 4
Nice!
Very well done I have to say!
The cliffhanger added a R.L. Stine flair to it.
Keep up the good work!!
ARGH! why do you give me a cliff hanger. But, the story was great. however, now I need to know what was up there. What was it. Please tell me Ricky please. What started the invasion...
Sorry the last comment was made by
-Braden Bailey
this is a great story, great detail. This is a very well put story and very entertaining. Finish the ending please overall great.
Alejandro Martinez
Period 1
This story chilled me to the bones. Very good job! Although on thing i have to comment on is the cliffhanger, please continue the story for a good Halloween scare! Also the beginning paragraph of this story was a bit weirdly worded, you might want to fix that. Other than that good job.
"Who ever it was, if it’s a who," is my favorite line in your work. I found it entertaining to think that if an invasion were to occur on earth, it would begin in an attic of a McDonald's. I like it when things are so strictly tied together at the end because it allows me to think and wonder and learn to be okay with not having answers. I enjoyed that you focused on the "before" part of an invasion because A LOT of stories tell the "during" and "after". People hardly leave it at just the "before" so it was refreshing to read.
Jeannette Martinez
Period 2
Your story was very engaging and constantly kept the audience on the edge. I loved your cliff hanger and use of suspense throughout. Hope to hear more.
This story definitely had a spooky feel with the ominous mood and imagery conveyed. The ending was enticing; it made me curious for what is to come, what was found in the attic, but nothing specific was revealed, which led to more curiosity and anticipation as to what the character discovered in the room. I also liked how the ending was the beginning- how you built up to the beginning of the end of your story.
-Hannah Baik Period 2
WOW! Great story. I was too afraid read this at first but I'm glad that I did. The imagery and detail created a ominous mood that I loved. Great cliff hanger at the end but I would love to know what happens in the end.
Daveena San
Per. 2
When I started reading it I was like this is going to be the same old scary stories but it wasn't it was different I liked it; the suspense had me at the edge of my seat!!! the end I wasn't expecting that I was expecting it to be llike a dog or a person, amazing story!
I loved the story, it was a nice twist on a classic ghost story, but with the title it makes me think it's talking about aliens, so I'm not so sure, but that's what makes it so good. Trying to find good Halloween stories is kinda hard these days because it's usually the same thing, but this one was just different enough that it was really good.
Ah, a tale of suspense and fright, spookiness at the sight. The use of diction set the ground works for the mansion of imagery and detail built on top. An ominous, yet uncomfortable tone kept the reader on their toes, with the cliff hanger figuratively throwing them off the side of the cliff. Excellent job in creating this piece of literature!
This story caught me by surprise. I love the twist you added to it. Well done
-Christian Ortega Period 5
Great story. I never knew what was gonna happen next...it was so breath taking. When you ended with the start of the invasion i said,''bang''. I hope I get to read the invasion part.
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