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Tuesday, October 20, 2015

"Ding Dong" by Quincy C

     It was just around the time that I began middle school. Due to my parents separation, I was constantly switching from one house to the other as a kid. This was a normal occurrence and I had long since gotten used to it. But this week, this week was different. I was staying with my dad for the weekend, which proved to be quite boring and somber. This was a result of the recent passing of his mother, my grandmother. Now, I wasn’t very affected by the whole situation because I had never met the poor old woman except for once when I was first born. Even so, I tried to comfort my disheartened father, which was totally out of character for him. After sitting in silence for what seemed like an eternity, my dad realized he had some errands to run. He asked if I wanted to come, but being my lazy self, I politely declined.
     My dad lived in an apartment building on the bottom level, which was creepy enough on its own. To make matters worse, it was always extremely dark, and you could always hear the neighbors above us sauntering around on their creaky floorboards. My dad had just recently gotten a doorbell installed...I guess he didn’t enjoy the loud banging when someone was at his door. As I sat there alone watching cartoons, someone rang the doorbell. I decided to ignore it because I really wasn’t in the mood to shoo away some persistent solicitor. A few minutes later, I hear another ring, this time more aggressive than the last. I waited again, and once again it rang. Fed up with this nonsense I finally got up and swung open the door to find no one in sight. This I found really strange. There was a long hallway that we could see from our door’s peephole, which also had a really loud echo. If someone had run away, I would’ve definitely heard it. Totally confused, I shut the door and went about my business, attempting to rationalize the incident in every possible way. Unable to really justify a response, I decided to go take a nap.
     I was lucky enough to have a TV in my room, which I often fell asleep watching. In accordance with my normal routine, I turned my TV on and proceeded to drift off into dream land. I’m not sure how long I had been asleep, but I woke up to someone turning off my TV. This person then walked over to me and rubbed my back in such a gentle way. I heard a little “hmph” come out of the figures mouth which sounded like a man’s voice. I figured it was just my dad and went back to sleep.
     When I woke up again, my TV was still off. I went into the living room to see my dad, but he was nowhere to be found. “Maybe he forgot something” I thought. So I waited, and about an hour later my dad came home. I decided to ask him what he had forgotten. He looked at me kinda funny and asked what I was talking about. I explained and his response was, “I just barely got home, you must have been dreaming.” “What!?” I thought. There’s absolutely no way that was a dream, how did my TV turn off? Who was rubbing my back? It felt way too real to be a dream. Of course, being a boring adult, my dad just brushed it off as my wild imagination running free again. After all my attempts to make him believe me proved futile, I decided to just let it go.
     “So dad, what errands were you out running anyway?” I asked. “Oh nothing much, I just wanted to go get a new doorbell, that other one just won’t ring.” He replied. Confused I said, “of course it does, someone was ringing the heck out of it when you were gone.” “Well that’s impossible sweetie, the doorbell isn’t even setup. Look, it’s sitting over there on the kitchen counter.” He said. My head moved reluctantly towards the counter, hoping he was wrong. As I looked up, there was the “broken” doorbell, wires and all.

45 comments:

Anonymous said...

I absolutely love this story... GREAT story there where a lot of suspenseful moments, which i enjoyed to be honest. Great job over all i rate this 10/10. Hands down one of the best.
-Ashley Garcia
per.4

Unknown said...

While reading this story, I felt the adrenaline and the goosebumps! You were able to build up to the climax towards the end and it was a great ending. I did not expect that to happen! I know that I can relate of having such a vivid dream, that even I thought it could not have been a dream. I really do love how you pay attention to the little details, even if you are just talking about your everyday life! Great job Quincy!

Anonymous said...

This story is so great! I really loved it! Reminds me of the series "scary stories to tell in the dark" which I read in elementary all the time. Loved the spooky vibe! It was a very captivating story and held my attention the whole time also, you're very talented at writing and this story is the proof! Keep up the great work!
-Abby Elvis
Period 3

Unknown said...

WHAAAAT! This reminds me of a time I was watching a video on YouTube about this challenge called Charlie Charlie or something of the sort. Anyways, I really enjoyed this story because it is full of creepy imagery and I'm not easily creeped out but you succeeded here. Now I wonder what other kind of stuff roams in your head in class hahaha. Kudos to you, Quincy!

Samantha Quintanilla said...

That was actually a really good read! i was legit into it and it was well written too, no awkward breaks or levels of vocab switching back and forth. It flowed really well and although it wasn't necessarily scary it was defiantly creepy and right in time for Halloween! The plot kept me wondering and by the end of it i still wanted to keep reading. Your piece is so far my favorite that I've read out of all the months, great job!

Unknown said...

your story was very entertaining, loved how it goes great with Halloween!
Your colloquial style of writing really helped immerse your audience into the mind of the main character; also, your use of questions really elevated the story's mystery and contributed well to its overall tone of foreboding.
nice job!

Danielle Gonzales said...

What made me want to read this piece to begin with was the title. It's simple and I completely suspected this story to be something cheery of some sorts but I was completely off. This kept me puzzled and intrigued and I felt all the feelings of being home alone and hearing someone at the door. The rush of adrenaline and racing of the heartbeat not to mention that in this story the dad wasn't home at all so who rang the 'doorbell?' Ooh now I'm craving more and that's exactly what you want your readers to want. Overall amazing job :)

Anonymous said...

Wow, this is really good. I like the suspense and all the description you used. The title really caught my eye. Amazing job!
-Emily French
Period 5

Anonymous said...

This story actually did creep me out, and what creeped me out even more was the fact that the father sort of brushed off the fact that the main character knew someone had been there. The way you wrote it, I felt as if I was actually there experiencing this myself. I would have freaked out! Great job on this piece!

Legend Holman
p.3

Unknown said...

Can your write a part two? I loved the simple title, and actually decided to read your story after wondering how you would incorporate the title! I found your story to be essential for the season, it gave me the Halloween movie creeps! Your use of detail and imagery gave me goosebumps and the unnatural chills that you get when your creeped out. Loved it!

Miranda Hidalgo
period. 5

Deborah Fraire said...

I absolutely loved your piece. It was very intriguing and descriptive. Speaking of descriptive, wonderful job on using good detail. Great job on implementing creepiness factors into your piece as well. Overall, you did a fantastic job on your story. Well done.
- Deborah Fraire
Period 1

Deborah Fraire said...

I absolutely loved your piece. It was very intriguing and descriptive. Speaking of descriptive, wonderful job on using good detail. Great job on implementing creepiness factors into your piece as well. Overall, you did a fantastic job on your story. Well done.
- Deborah Fraire
Period 1

Unknown said...

I really enjoyed this piece , it was a nice creepy story to read in October. The story had a great plot and I loved the twist you added at the end with the door bell, but to have made this piece amazing and even more spooky . I feel as if you could have used more descriptive language and imagery to have a bigger effect on your readers. To really creep us out .

Anonymous said...

You did a great job of setting the atmosphere in this story, describing what seemed like a old run down apartment. I feel like several people have had experiences similar to this. When its late at night or your home alone and you hear a noise from another part of the house, but when you go to investigate it you cant find anything that made the noise. You did a great job of describing this eerie feeling and hope that it was all your imagination.
- Marvin Virola
P5

Anonymous said...

This story was thrilling and it kept me on the edge of my seat. I loved the twist at the end and I enjoyed the detail of the background in the beginning. I felt that the background you included in the beginning was a good transition into the mysterious events towards the end. I loved the story, great job.
- Emily Gonzalez
P2

Unknown said...

Quincy, this story was so interesting and captivating. I absolutely enjoyed every second of it, from beginning to end. Excellent use of vocabulary. With all honesty I thought it was just going to be one of those cleshae stories with the same ol ending; but oh, was I wrong. over all great job!
- Joelle Boulos
Period 3

Anonymous said...

I loved the spooky vibe to this story. It was a lot of fun to read, and not one part of it was boring! I also liked how it was suspenseful and entertaining! Overall, it's a really good story, great job!
-Victoria Ervin
Period 1

Anonymous said...

I really liked the tone of this piece and you did a good job of using great detail and great vocabulary. It was a really fun piece to read. Also I really liked the ending and how you created a suspenseful climax.
-Noah Andrus Period 5

Unknown said...

This story was very entertaining and unpredictable. I didn't even suspect that this story would have a spooky vibe until the mystery man came in and rubbed the speaker's back. For a short story, the plot was very well planned out and ingeniously developed. I appreciate that you utilized suspenseful descriptions to allow the climax to gradually intensify throughout the story. The strategy that you used is much more effective than pouring out the entire climax in one paragraph. Overall, very interesting and well done!

Rachel Kroll
Period 5

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

This story was very well written; it provided a keen insight into the narrator's emotions and mindset as the mysterious events took place. Also the plot twist at the end shocked me and I found it intriguing how the narrator attempted to rationalize the suspicious events in order to keep her sanity. Nice Job!
Hunter Fierro
Period 5
Cogswell

cris said...

This story was very creative. There was not much of a scary factor in this story however. Some useful elements like maybe hearing a scratching in the wall or smelling burning flesh or something gruesome along those lines could of made it a bit scarier. All in all this story was entertaining to read.

Unknown said...

Woah! That was a really interesting story. You sure do know how to give someone the chills. This story was intriguing from beginning to end. I really like how you added a plot twist; it made the story much more interesting and spookier. I also loved the great use of vocabulary I didn't think this would be a scary story, at first, but then as I continued to read I figured I was wrong. Great way to spook someone up. You did a great job!

Unknown said...

Woah! That was a really interesting story. You sure do know how to give someone the chills. This story was intriguing from beginning to end. I really like how you added a plot twist; it made the story much more interesting and spookier. I also loved the great use of vocabulary I didn't think this would be a scary story, at first, but then as I continued to read I figured I was wrong. Great way to spook someone up. You did a great job!

Anonymous said...

What an interesting story! This gave me chills that ran down my spine. Good thing I didn't read this while I was home alone!
I think this piece is very well written and includes a lot of details. It allowed me to create a vivid image of a girl in her ground floor apartment waiting for her father as a mysterious figure accompanies her! Good job!

Noelle Mariano
Period 2

Anonymous said...

This is a very scary story its scary to even finish it to know what was happening in his dads apartment was very haunting.
Alexis Medina
period4

Michelle Sanchez said...

I really enjoyed this piece, it was spooky, suspenseful and the plot twist got me. While I was reading this I kept trying to figure out what was going to happen once you were left alone and the ending was my favorite part, it left me wanting more! This was a great piece to have out right now because of "Halloween" and it really set the mood. Also the colloquial writing style along with the great vocabulary helped to easily stay intrigued as to what was going on.
-Michelle P.5 Cogswell

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
justin flores said...

Man, this gave me the chills. It's so creepy and weird knowing that there was either a ghost or a strange man wandering in her apartment. This was a good story.

Unknown said...

I found this story to be very creative and well written. I definitely enjoyed this story it was fun to read and watch it come alive. You also gave this story a lot of detail and meaning that suited it good. It kept me on edge from the beginning to the end and really grabbed my attention. I absolutely loved the spooky vibe, you did a great job!!!!! :)

Unknown said...

This story had a great description on what was going on. It felt great knowing how everything usually goes on in the story and how it was interrupted. I really like how doorbell wasn't even setup ,but it still rang. *creepiness intensifies*
Anyways I love how you came up with a great little scare story.

Alexis Carmona said...

Oh My Goodness! Quincy this was amazing!! Your story really elevated at the right time. It was great how you incorporated suspense into the piece especially when the speaker finds that someone, or something was with her at the end. I wouldn't have expected that at all. Super creepy but still awesome.
- Alexis Carmona
Period 5

Unknown said...

Wow that definitely gave me chills. The suspense throughout the whole writing was absolutely brilliant and it fluctuated perfectly. This constant rise and fall had me at the edge of my seat and I could not have asked for much more. Plus, the ending wrapped together the whole piece together well. Nice job!

-Alonso Torres, Period 2

victoria hurtado said...

I absolutely loved this piece! I'm personally a big fan of scary/creepy stories and this one is definitely didn't disappoint. I loved how your climax just elevated throughout the story and the plot twist ending made it even better! Great job with detail and the vivid description, it was fantastic.
Period 5

Anonymous said...

Thank you.......for giving me nightmares. hahahah ...jk. This was a really good scary story. It was very spooky and suspenseful. Each detail was successfully intertwined into your piece and it really made it stand out. You did a great job with how you narrated the story, I almost felt like I was right there with you. Great job. wish you would have written some more because what you have written so far is great.
Kayla Weathers

Janus Baetiong said...

I read this at night in the dark and to be quite honest I'm actually kinda scared now. The suspenseful moments that you painted in this piece made the hairs on my arm stand on end (maybe a bit of an exaggeration but I was definitely fearful). Great job!
P. 3

Unknown said...

Talk about a creepy story. At first I thought I was a personal narrative and I was able to relate until later when I realized what was going on. It freaked me out a little bit because that's one of the things that scare me. Very very well done. Perfect Halloween story.

Deven Kiphen said...

It's 11:00 at night and honestly I have no clue what to do, I'm so scared. I was intrigued by your title, "Ding Dong" and thought that it would be an amusing story to read. Although I may have to sleep with my lights on, it was a great story nonetheless. :D

Rodrick Hill said...

Yoooooo, this was a good read, although I hate scary stories so much! This read had so much suspense in it, and it had a lot of eerie imagery in it that might affect me sleeping well tonight Lol. But overall, nice job!

Rodrick Hill
Period 2

Anonymous said...

This story was really good. It started of all calm and stuff and then you gradually transitioned the story into being scary and as the story started to unfold, I just wanted to keep reading so I could hear more and more to see what was going to happen. I really liked the ending as well. You cut off the story without giving us an explanation and that allowed our imagination to run free and think whatever we wanted. Overall it was a great job. I really enjoyed reading your story.

Dominique Washignton
Period 2

Anonymous said...

I love that this story is cleverly made into a suspenseful, but slightly relatable tale. A lot of us think we hear things or see things, especially when we are home alone. Good Job! I honestly really liked :)

Priscilla Perry
Period 5

Unknown said...


Quincy this story has so much suspense. It's like scary but just enough scary. I like how the story goes a lot with this month and I love how in the end the doorbell wasn't even connected. It just freaks me out.

Anonymous said...

Woah! That was a really interesting story. You sure do know how to give someone the chills. This story was intriguing from beginning to end. I really like how you added a plot twist; it made the story much more interesting and spookier. I also loved the great use of vocabulary I didn't think this would be a scary story, at first, but then as I continued to read I figured I was wrong. Great way to spook someone up. You did a great job!
marco
period 4

Anonymous said...

The story is well organized and really interesting. I can really relate to this story. Keep up the good work
_Rhema Kemas
period 4

elton said...

wow thanks a lot now im not gonna be able to sleep. Good story though I loved it. you should make more of these. If that were me i would of just ran out of the apartment