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Monday, August 31, 2015

"Tangerine" by Sydney V


On a metro bus he scribbled furiously into a notebook. A tall lanky, awkward, young man watched a beautiful woman from afar. She wore a orange tee shirt with writing he couldn't manage to read from as far as he stood. Her hair was tousled into a bun that drooped from the scalp of her head to the nape of her neck. Her hair a dark deep brunette. She looked awfully sad for, what seemed as the looks of such a beautiful day. Unsure if he was willing to risk the embarrassment to come if he would approach such a creature. His mind played out all the possible pity conversations and hypothetical awkward dialogue that they could exchange. So he just sat back in his seat and wrote some more about her. Her beautifully sad face. His awfully tattered, coffee stained, atrocious black composition barely held together held his beautiful lyrics and poetry. On this fresh page he wrote about her, and entitled it “Tangerine” . Midscribble he lost his train of thought. So he looked up to see her once more and she was gone. Frantically searching he saw her walking past the bus window. Headed north. He wrote of many beautiful women before but, there was something special about her beautiful scowl. A voice he would die to hear. He ran out of the metro doors and caught up to her. He stood only a foot behind her, he could hear her crying. He opened his mouth but nothing could come out. Feeling a presence behind her she turned around gawking up at this tall awkward man in a long billed hat. Immediately embarrassed the man turned around and walked away hoping she wouldn't notice. As he tried to make his great escape, the dilapidated book finally gave in. And all the bindings fell loose and the hundreds of rhymes he composed flew out. Contemplating leaving them he turned around without making eye contact he picked up the loose leaf papers. He could still see her Buster Browns in his peripheral vision, he arose seeing her holding the last one. “Did you write this” her raspy voice croaked. “Depends if you like it or not” he replied a little too quickly. She wiped a tear away. Her sad eyes brightened a little. “Uh i even wrote one about you, actually” filing throw the loose papers he found the piece he began that morning. He handed her the piece. As she read her eyes continued to brighten, in correlation his heart began melting. Her eyes darted up after she read 

“Measuring a summer's day, I only finds it slips away to grey, the hours, they bring me pain. Tangerine, Tangerine, Living reflection from a dream” 

“This is far too beautiful to be about me, but you hit a hammer on the head, who are you and what do you want from me?” her raspy voice seduced him. “I just wanted to know why such a beautiful girl looked so sad this early in the morning, on the looks of such a beautiful day. I’ll be leaving now if that would make you smile.” was his reply. “You’re not going anywhere come breakfast is on me” She took him to her shady apartment in the streets of LA. She lacked much inventory, and since she invited him over for breakfast she cooked ramen from a dollar store, a special occasion. He found her house just as beautiful as her. She was metaphorically as well as literally a starving artist. Her raspy voice surely didn't lack talent but she lacked the “wow” factor(she called it.) The man wondered what could she possibly lack? They spent the day and evening together. The man truly believed he had found the girl, the girl he could write endless novels about. She sang his lyrics to him. Until he fell asleep into a deep lucid slumber. In the morning he awoke to an empty bed. He didn’t know if she had a job or not. Knowing he had to hurry and get to his, he scrambled out of the paper thin bed lacking sheets. He wrote his address on a napkin with a “stop by soon” and scurried quick to catch the bus. On the bus ecstatic and crazy in love he felt words combusting within him. He realized he did not have his notebook. He must have left it. Which meant he would see her again! She would bring it back and confess her love to him as well. And he would be happy and maybe the next person who saw her on that bus, would see her smiling. 
He never heard from her again. He waited everyday for the door to ring. 

It wasn’t until a few months later. He turned on his radio to hear a familiar lyric. 

“Measuring a summer's day, I only finds it slips away to grey, the hours, they bring me pain. Tangerine, Tangerine, Living reflection from a dream” 

He was then seduced and taken by the voice. It was her, it was her singing his songs. She finally had the “wow” factor she was once starving to find. He realized this is why she had gave him the time of day. That exact moment her eyes darted up from his page. He hadn’t left his notebook, rather it was stolen. By the love of his life. She used him. She stole his notebook. She claimed lyrics that he’d wrote years ago. His heart ached for her. His integrity yearned to expose her. For now she lived the life of luxury her sadden eyes once wept for. He wanted to claim his work. Not even to claim them but just to see her again. He couldn’t because he loved seeing her smile, her eyes illuminated, her happy. But most of all, he loved listening to her. (( credits to the Led Zeppelin song “Tangerine” that inspired me to write this, go listen to it ))

97 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am in love with this poem. The sentence flow, and the imagery that has been written in your story persuaded me to follow the next work and the next work, and I didn't realize how I sad I was to not only know the ending, but to have it be finished. The way you appealed to the senses with the specific emotional imagery provided by words such as "his heart racing," or "awkward stumbling" made me feel like I was the one chasing the love of my life.
- Samar Elshekh
Period 3

Unknown said...

Honestly, this was an amazing story it showed that not all guys are considered "players"; especially since the person who left was the woman. You provided the readers, such as me, wanting it to have the usual happy ending however the plot twist at the end made me feel shocked. Your use of imagery was very descriptive and it made me feel like I was on the metro bus watching the two characters.
-Miren Cancio
Period 5

Hanna Brookshier said...

The characters are spectacular. It's like I can pick up one of my drawing pads and give an accurate rendition of them because their description was just amazing and brought them to life. It was a well detailed story and it was a spectacular read from start to finish.
-Hanna Brookshier

Unknown said...

The title is an attention-grabber, but that surely wasn't the reason why I read this story. In truth, I was expecting the guy you've created so effortlessly, to talk to a random tangerine in his head or that the girl's name was "Tangerine." BUT, that's not the point.

The point is, is that I've fallen in love with a character that you've created seamlessly, and I'm not speaking of the man who was gullible enough to be "seduced"...I speak of the femme fatale herself. Aside from the fact that he believes that his songs were stolen, a guy nor a girl should be considered a "player" -- the term itself is so heteronormative and is a complete societal construct that justifies the actions and thoughts of both genders. Honestly, what I loved about the piece was that our self-interests will either help glamorize our lives or push our lives into perdition, and I mean that metaphorically and literally.

With the help of descriptors and repetitive uses of certain words (e.g. seduced), you managed to pull out a theme that many don't understand or choose to overlook: self-interest, selfishness. The woman took the lover's songs to help her career, the lover gave his address, followed the femme fatale, and for what? Self-interest. It isn't every day that writers create a story that means so much to them, but, in actuality, birthed a societal norm in the plot itself. With the insight provided from this, hopefully you've come to the realization that you've given people a reason to understand their ulterior motive, provide just cause for introspection to help them realize the chance for change. Without changing, things like the surprise twist you wrote can happen, and if we choose to resist, we'll continuing living the life of the lanky young man.

But that's just what I got from it. We have to be grateful for the chances to change, the chances life bestows to us after events related to this one. Because all too soon, there'll be a day when there are no chances left. My advice: Continue writing, you have a clear cut distinction of style and I dig it. Keep a journal and doodle, write -- I need more stories like this!

xoxo
-j

Unknown said...

I loved the imagery you provided in order to understand the chaotic emotions the boy felt as he was drawn to the girl. You were so descriptive with every little element from the appearance of the girl, to the tattered notebook. This made it very easy to visualize the story, and to fall into the same emotions the boy felt as he watched the girl. You did a great job of keeping your readers amused by all the plot twists you included throughout your story; leading me to believe one thing would happen then suddenly changing it to the unexpected. The ending was heartbreaking yet enlightening because of how you well you described the boy's love for the woman's joy, making us too feel the same emotion. It was fun to read because of the unusual, unexpected ending; unlike a much predicted ending of the boy and girl being together, the boy has been left in heartbreak. Your descriptive language, and special attention to detail created this story into an overall well written, entertaining story!

Unknown said...

I loved the imagery you provided in order to understand the chaotic emotions the boy felt as he was drawn to the girl. You were so descriptive with every little element from the appearance of the girl, to the tattered notebook. This made it very easy to visualize the story, and to fall into the same emotions the boy felt as he watched the girl. You did a great job of keeping your readers amused by all the plot twists you included throughout your story; leading me to believe one thing would happen then suddenly changing it to the unexpected. The ending was heartbreaking yet enlightening because of how you well you described the boy's love for the woman's joy, making us too feel the same emotion. It was fun to read because of the unusual, unexpected ending; unlike a much predicted ending of the boy and girl being together, the boy has been left in heartbreak. Your descriptive language, and special attention to detail created this story into an overall well written, entertaining story!

Unknown said...

I loved the imagery you provided in order to understand the chaotic emotions the boy felt as he was drawn to the girl. You were so descriptive with every little element from the appearance of the girl, to the tattered notebook. This made it very easy to visualize the story, and to fall into the same emotions the boy felt as he watched the girl. You did a great job of keeping your readers amused by all the plot twists you included throughout your story; leading me to believe one thing would happen then suddenly changing it to the unexpected. The ending was heartbreaking yet enlightening because of how you well you described the boy's love for the woman's joy, making us too feel the same emotion. It was fun to read because of the unusual, unexpected ending; unlike a much predicted ending of the boy and girl being together, the boy has been left in heartbreak. Your descriptive language, and special attention to detail created this story into an overall well written, entertaining story!

Unknown said...

I love me a good love story, whether it has a happy ending or a not-so-happy ending, like this one. I really appreciate the amount of detail you put into describing these characters. For me, I imagined Ellen Page and a clumsy Michael Cera, from Juno.

I also really enjoyed the plot twist that you put in at the end. The female character started out, from the male's perspective, so innocent and melancholy, perhaps even sweet. But to his surprise, her facade was used to her advantage and by the end it was revealed that she wasn't so innocent after all. Although, whether she was purely desperate and truly loved him, or utterly manipulative and cynical is a topic that could still be further analyzed by readers. I really urge you to add more to this story and give the male character the satisfaction of confronting his Tangerine girl. A story with this type of plot is something I would really enjoy reading if it were a novella with illustrations to match your quirky and perhaps even mysterious writing style.

Overall, well done, Sydney. I love that you found your inspiration from one of your favorite bands and that you were able to turn a single line of a song into an elaborate short story with incredible detail, an enticing plot and a yummy title. :-)

- Rachel ♥

Anonymous said...

I am in pure shock and I mean wow! The way your words twisted and turned in this, made me keep guessing what was going to happen. I thought he would end up with the girl of his dream, but your ending made me laugh in pure amusement as she blankly just used him for her own rise in fame. I simply have to say this was written amazingly beautiful.
-Destynee Torres
Period 4

Anonymous said...

I really enjoyed this story! The title attracted me because before I clicked on it, I thought it would be an abstract comparison of a tangerine and something else. However, it was totally different from what I originally thought. I loved the use of imagery because it made me feel like I was really at the scene. And I also liked the fact that the main character had so many emotions when he met this woman in a tangerine shirt. He felt curiosity when he met this woman and upon meeting her, he fell in love. It was like a true love story. However, he felt betrayed when he realized that he was being used.
As I was reading this story, I was at first sympathizing with the woman, due to her current state of sadness, but then I felt kind of angry when I read that the man's notebook was stolen and that he was being used for his talent. Although the man felt initially angry, his anger subsided because he still felt the woman’s presence when he listened to her song. Because he felt that he had finally got her out of her state of sadness and made her happy.
Anyway, Your story was really powerful because it demonstrated how even though a person could be shocked with someone's (that they love) actions, they can't fully (100%) hate that person because that person is already cherished by them, as shown when the man continues to listen to the voice of this woman through her song. It’s a story that most people can relate to.
Keep up the good work!
-Kimberly Chua
Period 2

Anonymous said...

I was shocked at the plot twist at the end. Good rythym throughly the story, I like the big vocabualry words!

-Garret Janikowski

Unknown said...

The story was just fantastic. I loved how you described the characters and it was very detailed. I also liked the name you gave the woman. It was quite funny to me. The story gives off a different perspective of man and woman, because it's usually the man who makes the first move and wants to start talking the woman. However, this time it is different the woman made the first move and invited him over to her apartment. It made feel sad how the woman used the man and stole his work, but the man never got mad at her because he loved her smile and eyes. That made feel me feel good. Never less this story was amazing, never stop with the good work.
-Jordan Do
period 1

Emmanuel Wade said...

Just scanning through what stories appear interesting and immediately the syntax and use of diction at the beginning immediately pulled me into the story like I was watching a movie or sitting on the metro watching this happen. Great story still sad he didn't get revenge but oh well.

Anonymous said...

Originally reading the title, I was expecting this kind of story to blossom from it. I love the twist to the theme of love at first sight. Reading through it the first time, I was expecting a cute ending where they live happily ever after. However, you did a great job of leading us towards a happy ending for them and suddenly showing that the girl used him in the final paragraph.
The one thing I really enjoyed was the character foil between the male and the female. In the female, we see that she embodies characteristics of selfishness and materialism whereas the male embodies the idea of a selfless kind of love. I love how you continued the idea that the male was a hopeless romantic even after finding out that she used him. The idea to love after being betrayed is something we don't really take the time to explore. Overall, this was an amazing piece and I love how you got inspiration to write this through music. You're an amazing writer and I hope to see more pieces from you soon!

JJ Jacinto
Period 5

Unknown said...

The detail put into this story made it seem as if I was bystander on the bus watching it play out. After reading the first couple of sentences I thought I knew how it would end, but was pleasantly surprised by the twist. The description of the characters made it easy for me to empathize with them and feel the ups and downs of their emotions. Loved this story and now I’m left wondering if the man will ever see her again.
-Darian Henry
Period 2

Unknown said...

The detail put into this story made it seem as if I was bystander on the bus watching it play out. After reading the first couple of sentences I thought I knew how it would end, but was pleasantly surprised by the twist. The description of the characters made it easy for me to empathize with them and feel the ups and downs of their emotions. Loved this story and now I’m left wondering if the man will ever see her again.
Darian Henry
Period 2

T'erah Spencer said...

I really enjoyed this story, I love how the beginning was set up and how they met. The best part of the entire story for me was the twist at the end. I really wasn't expecting that and I love stories like that. You did a really great job.

Evan To said...

This was a great story! I love how you set it up almost like a cliche love story, only for the woman to steal his poem in the end. There was a lot of detail in the story to get a good visualization of the scene, which is what a story always needs.

Sophia Johnson said...

I loooooved this story, way to start the year! I really felt every emotion throughout this man's journey, from love to betrayal, yet acceptance. I think you did a really great job portraying how complicated his feeling at the end were, yet you made it relatable. The imagery was simple, but just enough to get the right effect. Good job!

Danielle Gonzales said...

There was something rather pure and honest in this writing. The vivid imagery used helped highlight the emotions the man felt and the way he saw the world was somewhat foggy until he met this eye catching woman. I loved the way you made the man feel airy and hopeful the entire time he was in her presence only to be betrayed but seemingly okay with it later on. She not only stole his lyrics but his heart and i think that was a great twist to a story not many people saw coming.

Unknown said...

I was very interested to read this story and I could picture everything that was going on in my head, I loved the use of imagery and detail. I could feel the emotions and the innocence in the man and his feelings about the mysterious woman. I wasn't expecting the end to be so dark and deceitful. I really enjoyed reading your story!

Unknown said...

I love the use of imagery in the story. It gives such an amazing insight into their lives. But it you also gave just the right amount of details that it lead to wanting to know more about each person. Your story also had a raw like feel to it that made it was refreshing to read!! Period 5

Unknown said...

I love the language used in the story because it reminds me of the many fan fictions I read and it also makes me think of how it relates to school. She took the notebook and turned his work into her own and prospered from it. Obviously, we know that it's cheating, but like the man in the story, he didn't mind so much because of how happy it made her. Thats how friends are when it comes to cheating on homework assignments or even tests. We know its wrong, but we care about our friends and don't want them to fail (even if they deserve it) so we let them cheat, hope we don't get caught, and don't feel guilty about letting them.

Natalia G. said...

Call me a pessimist, but it was very realistic when it came to the whole facade of “love of first sight” that was portrayed in the beginning of the piece. I also enjoyed the vivid imagery and details that you used to help depict the story of a struggling artist who meets a man who contains a sliver of opportunity for her. The plot twist of the not-so-innocent woman using the love-at-first-sight-stricken man was definitely refreshing as opposed to it being the same-old love story that we have heard on numerous occasions. I really love this story, great work Sydney!!
- Natalia G.
Period 2

Unknown said...

I truly adore the amount of detail that you use to illustrate the small, almost seemingly trivial details that attract the guy to her in the beginning of the story. Although the story remains rather simplistic in explaining the events of meeting the girl, it shows just how innocent and uneventful falling in love can truly be. Evidently, just like that the girl was deemed as innocently in love with him too, but as the story progresses forward, we can only view the male's thoughts on the entire situation. Through your choice of diction, you clearly depict just how infatuated he is with her, even to the rather, shocking ending. Even after her betrayal, he still innocently makes possible schemes that would allow him to get even a small glimpse of her.

Clearly, this is what makes this story so easily relatable for so many of us. As teenagers, many of us have had our own previous romantic experiences, where we fell so deeply in love with someone in the most innocent of manners. However, our adolescence makes us prone to rash decisions just like the narrator who believes he has found the love of his life, which eventually causes us to suffer from our strong attachment when these people betray our previous expectations of them. We embody this idea of falling recklessly in love and this story truly explicates our follies in so easily loving others as the narrator love his "tangerine" and how we possibly become so emotionally scarred we may become from their lies and disreputable actions.

-Amber ^^
Period 2

Unknown said...

I truly adore the amount of detail that you use to illustrate the small, almost seemingly trivial details that attract the guy to her in the beginning of the story. Although the story remains rather simplistic in explaining the events of meeting the girl, it shows just how innocent and uneventful falling in love can truly be. Evidently, just like that the girl was deemed as innocently in love with him too, but as the story progresses forward, we can only view the male's thoughts on the entire situation. Through your choice of diction, you clearly depict just how infatuated he is with her, even to the rather, shocking ending. Even after her betrayal, he still innocently makes possible schemes that would allow him to get even a small glimpse of her.

Clearly, this is what makes this story so easily relatable for so many of us. As teenagers, many of us have had our own previous romantic experiences, where we fell so deeply in love with someone in the most innocent of manners. However, our adolescence makes us prone to rash decisions just like the narrator who believes he has found the love of his life, which eventually causes us to suffer from our strong attachment when these people betray our previous expectations of them. We embody this idea of falling recklessly in love and this story truly explicates our follies in so easily loving others as the narrator love his "tangerine" and how we possibly become so emotionally scarred we may become from their lies and disreputable actions.

-Amber ^^
Period 2

justin flores said...

This story was amazing! The way he expressed his love for her. You also did a good job with including all of those big words. There was a few misspelled words but nothing to major. The plot twist at the end was a great way to show if he really did love her. Good job!
-Justin Flores Period 4

Anonymous said...

The imagery used in this story is beautiful, describing detailed descriptions of both of the characters and also the young mans feelings during the story. I also loved how the story ended, often you see the innocent boy and girl bound by chance work through struggles and live happily ever after. But this story it takes another step showing that not everyone is pure and people don't always have good intentions ,not every story has a happy ending. Stories that differ from the average like this one are a pleasure to read good work!

-Marvin Virola
Period 5

Unknown said...

I loved the use of imagery and detail in this story, I was able to image and feel everything that the man went through. WOW that plot twist at the end had me screaming. I should've been more realistic and not believe in the "love at first sight". It really surprised me when she only used him for his work, I truly thought that the female character found her source of happiness. Great story Sydney!!!

-Daveena S.
Period 2

Unknown said...

I really enjoyed your story Tangerine. I loved your analogy between the woman and a beautiful creature another thing that i like is how you changed the usual roles between men and women specifically how you made the woman the user and not the man. I think its a really good theme as well.
Johnny De La Cruz
Period 1

Unknown said...

This was a masterpiece and was very well written it had me at the edge of my seat wanting more. Your use of imagery was spot on i could see it all coming to life in my head. I especially enjoyed the emotion your man character had that he just could hardly contain its almost like I understood how he felt. Plus the song Tangerine is my favorite Led Zeppelin song of all time. Great work Sydney bravo!

-Alexa Ayala
Period 2

Unknown said...

From the beginning of your story I was just waiting for the twist. There would be no way that the "awkward" man would be so beautifully graced with luck to be with this seemingly spectacular and intriguing girl. Thanks for not disappointing!
I really appreciated how you were able to expose the absurdity behind what many perceive to be love but really exists instead as a self consuming infatuation. "love is blind" really hits it on the nail for this story as even after the woman steals his work, the man still finds himself a victim to his obsession for her.

Unknown said...

I really love the story!! you added so much detail and plus the title was very eye catching.

Unknown said...

I love this story. I love how it's a love story with a twist. Not a lot of love stories do this and that's what I love about it most. I enjoy how the character wanted to confront the beautiful girl about her stealing his poems just to see her face. And how he let her have them just because all he wanted for her is for her to smile and that will forever touch me as a person.

Victoria Hurtado said...

I really loved how descriptive the imagery was especially with the two characters! I was able to portray the whole story in my head and it was absolutely wonderful. I also loved how you incorporated the emotions of the man and made it so clear how he was feeling throughout the story. The ending was very much a surprise to me considering it wasn't like the usual happy ending stories and i found that really enjoyable because it wasn't expected! Great job Sydney!

-period 5

Unknown said...

It was very easy to get engaged to this story because there aren't stories like this that are this written. The ending was very unexpected and appreciated that. Also the imagery was very well arranged. Thank you for writing a great story.
- John Tucker

Unknown said...

It was very easy to get engaged to this story because there aren't stories like this that are this written. The ending was very unexpected and appreciated that. Also the imagery was very well arranged. Thank you for writing a great story.
- John Tucker

Anonymous said...

I honestly like the story. I like how much he tried to ignore her, he still fell in love with her. The only problem with falling in love is it can make you do things you might regret later and that's exactly what happened to him. He came over and got his notebook stolen. Great job with the story.

JC Bagro
Period 3

Alena Awan said...

When I first read your story I initially thought that this was going to be about the man finding a fruit on the floor, instead he fell in love with a women that later on played him over. This reflects towards life because many times people pretend to fall in love and take everything that their significant other has. All in all I loved your piece, good job!!! :)

-Alena A
Per2

Anonymous said...

Right off the bat I was hooked to your incredible masterpiece. Your story was well written, it had a good flow, and I enjoyed your attention to detail through out the story. I loved your plot twist! I thought that the two characters were going to live happily ever after, like how most girls want good stories to end, but I'm glad that you switched it up.

Emily Gonzalez
period 2

Unknown said...

Your story was very well written and I loved how much detail and imagery it had. All of the imagery made me feel like it could be a movie scene.
-Priscilla Perry
period 5

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

I really enjoyed how descriptive this piece is and, staying true to your love of the interesting, the ending was certainly a surprise. I found myself as captivated by your words as the man was with the girl.

Megan Zimmermann
Period 5

Unknown said...

I really enjoyed how descriptive this piece is and, staying true to your love of the interesting, the ending was certainly a surprise. I found myself as captivated by your words as the man was with the girl.

Megan Zimmermann
Period 5

Alexis Carmona said...

This story was AMAZING! When I read the title, I thought it was going to be literal and it wasn't. It started off being really cute and creative with the imagery of the tangerine girl but as it was nearing the end it was a complete twist. I would have never expected the girl to be so scandalous. It was a very cool surprise. Keep writing great stuff!
- Alexis Carmona
Period 5

Anonymous said...

The imagery and the plot twist have my mind blown! This story was so detailed and beautifully written and then the plot twist was just unbelievable. What is really standing out to me is the way you chose to portray these two people and the small elements about them. I could easily visualize this story and also felt the emotions this boy was feeling for this girl. Amazing job Sydney!
~Legend Holman
p.3

Unknown said...

WOW!! When i saw your title i thought this as going to be about fruit, but this story was much much more it was beautifully written and it made my heart ache for the rugged man who had his heart broken. i yearned to comfort him because the way you wrote about how he felt saddened me. but this is an amazing story and if it were a novel i would definitely buy it.

~Madison Behee
Per. 1

Anonymous said...

Wow...I did not expect that. The plot twist was great. The description of the characters and the notebook were wonderful.
Good Job!!!
Adrian Modesty
Pd. 4

Anonymous said...

I love this story because it is true. Because people in the world are that cruel, evil, and mean.

Mikayla Seals
Period 4

Anonymous said...

Although it wasn't a happy ending, it was still a really good story! The details in the story created a good visualization of the setting.
- Victoria Ervin
Period 1

Anonymous said...

I liked it because you used a lot of adjectives to describe people and things to make it a much better story.

By: Nick Eckert Per: 1

Unknown said...

It provides an intricate portrayal on the twists and turns of love and how not every "guy gets the girl," in the end; I believe that is what truly gives this piece its uniqueness and originality. I really enjoyed the piece Great Job!
- Hunter Fierro
Period 5

Anonymous said...

i enjoyed your adjectives and the way you describe everything. it gives it another level of imagery.

Alejandro period 1

Anonymous said...

This story had so many bueatiful chracteristics. I loved hoe you gave the characters so much detail and feeling. Also how even though she stole his notebook his love still rain deep for her just hoping to see her again. It was like a romantic movie to where you expect the guy to go off with the girl in a happy ending but instead it twist to thievery but he still loves her. Bravo!
-Evanne Turner
Period 1

Anonymous said...

I loved how you began the writing with descriptive words to create a visual picture for the reader. It really helped me to imagine the setting. Also, I would like to commend you for giving the man's thoughts and feelings about the girl which gave me more insight about him. I was not expecting that ending and I was really surprised. It was an entertaining ending and it really added to the story. I thought the two would have lived happily ever after in love. Overall, I enjoyed reading this piece and you are a very skilled writer.

- Jessie Santos
Period 1

Anonymous said...

I thought your story was great. Your tone of hope emulating from the main character made the first half of the story so optimistic and like a love story straight out of the books. But then you plot twist with the stolen songs was a great ending to the story; it was really unexpected and you didn't give any foreshadowing to it which made it all the more shocking. I love your use of such vivid imagery and how you really made it like I was in the story with the characters. Your story was great writing and the storyline is so original; it's really great work.
-Aubrianne Milton
Period 5

Aaron Salazar said...

I love how you used these beautiful, descriptive words for just a young man who would regularly have no major role in someones career/life. Instead, you made the "hero" of this story a writer who just gave this girl inspiration to make a new song that bolted her career forward. This was a wonderful story overall.
-Period 4

Anonymous said...

I thought your writing was very good because it had very good detail about her shirt and how she looked and you explained how beautiful she was and his writings and also his poetry. This was a very good story and I love how you brought it to life because I could also picture him staring at her. Period 1

cris said...

The descriptions of this stories characters are great! They each have defining traits that make them who they really are. They set the tone for the story which is good because you can infer what their actions will bring them later on. Great story!

Cristopher Orellana
Period 5

Unknown said...

I think that your story was very amazing. I really love the hook of the story, it grabbed my attention. However;at the end, he was confused about whether he was hurt by when she plagiarize his words or not the ending really shocked me.
~Zya woody
Period 4

Deven Kiphen said...

I enjoyed how the story developed and how the characters grow connected from the moment they meet. I felt like I could really connect to them in some way as it shows how a bond starts off as an awkward encounter and gradually moves towards a compatible connection between the two. Also, I liked how they grow on each other to the point where they don't want to be without each other, as I often feel that feeling towards others where I genuinely enjoy their presence and it agonizes me whenever they have to go D:

Anonymous said...

Wow...Just Wow. That story was so somber in the beginning, and so sad at the end. She ends up stealing his poems and lyrics so she could have a life of fame and he still doesn't expose her? How romantic. And where did you come up with this? I Wish I could write like this. Anyway, love the story. You should seriously consider turning this into a book. This is sooooo great! The public deserves to read this!

Michael Retana
Period 1

Unknown said...

I really enjoyed your piece ,and I loved how you portrayed each scene. It was easy for me to imagine each character and event in the story . Also I really liked the story line ; it wasn't your typical " love story" .

Unknown said...

Wow just wow! This story was truly an emotional rollercoaster. Firstly, i admired how you really made the characters come to life. The details about just each one of them helped me visualize who they were and how they are. Secondly, its not often you see these types of characteristics on a male and female. A man who is a hopeless romantic who expresses himself in his notebook and one who is not too confident about approaching women. Most men in the world don't alway have this type of sesitivity and innocence as this male character portrayed. Also for the woman in this piece she doesn't come off as innocent, fragile, or down to earth. She gives off the impression as mysterious and tricky. Lastly, you pulled a fast one on me the end. I was really hoping that this guy would have a happy ending but he didn't. This shows how in reality nothing is ever perfect and the general idea that men are players and women are innocent little creatures is not always true. Excellent job.
-Jessica Perez, Per. 3

Unknown said...

I really loved the amount of detail you incorporated, not only about the characters, but also in the story. I could easily visualize the scenes as if I were there watching the man watch the girl. The plot twist also blew my mind. The way you portrayed the girl in the beginning as sad, innocent, and maybe even sweet, and then at the end as a selfish person was tied together nicely by the way you conveyed her true love for the man. I also saw how the man was the door of opportunity for her success as a "starving artist" and how the man let her use his work, and essentially him as well, even after she betrayed him.
I really enjoyed your piece-it wasn't a typical love story with a happy ending.
-Hannah Baik
Period 2

Vanessa Alfaro said...

I really enjoyed this story! It incorporated the elements of love and lust and sacrifice for the ones that you love. The way you described the feelings that the man had for this woman were so vivid and made you feel like you were actually there to see how he was reacting when he first sees this woman. It had an unexpected ending but that just made it that much more interesting, and I love how he still chose to see her happy and admired her from afar just like when he first seen her. I thought that was cute and clever :) Great job Sydney!

Vanessa Alfaro
Period 2

Unknown said...

This story was amazing! I like how the characters developed over such a short amount of time. I find this to be a really hard technique to master myself. I love how the stereotypical roles are switched in this piece as most females are seen as innocent and most males are portrayed as the sly tricky thief in many stories. The story does a wonderful job also of showing the male character breaking out of his shell when he says that he wants to claim his work but really he knows he can't.

Adam Burgos said...

I enjoyed how the plot was developed, and the ending was unexpected but somewhat contains truth in it. I can connect to how the characters felt towards each other in the beginning, seeming somewhat awkward and unable to approach others. There is truth at the end of the story, where even though we may feel used, sometimes we are just too blinded by these people we love and do what's in their best interest, rather than our own. This story created a tone of hope, but the plot twist at the end shows how not everything ends up the way it should. Very enjoyable story!
-Adam Burgos, Period 2.

Unknown said...

I loved your story! I was able to relate to the "awkward" man and I enjoyed how you were able to develop the personalities of the two characters. In doing so, you created this story book type love and gave me some hope that you ripped out of my grasp. Still I liked the ending and was very fitting.

-Alonso, Period 2

Caitlyn Ryan said...

I love the beginning very unexpected that she wrote one too. Love the romance! I can relate to this so much. Loved the plot and the ending was such a plot twister. This is a great story!

Anonymous said...

To start off, I love Led Zeppelin, and I found this piece to be a great representation of the song. The story seems very realistic and is definitely believable, and I think it highlights the struggle of all human beings to be wanted and appreciated. Very nice job, I love it

Taylor Sandoval
Cogswell p. 5

Unknown said...

Splendid! The ending really threw me off. I expected this to be yet another love story, but that toss of tragic play really invoked some emotions out of me, even wishing that the man can meet hear again. Great story Sydney, loved it.

Unknown said...

Splendid! The ending really threw me off. I expected this to be yet another love story, but that toss of tragic play really invoked some emotions out of me, even wishing that the man can meet hear again. Great story Sydney, loved it.

Christian Kool said...

I really loves the intro, to start off the romance of the man entangled me in the story. It draws me in for I could imagine myself in the exact situation. What made that possible was your choice of words. For your words were very apealing. Overall your intro was very entriging as it brought me into the story imidiately

Jakari Thomas said...

Absolutely amazing Sydney! I could imagine the hole scene in my head, and I think the simplistic diction and syntax contributed to this as well as well as the ending; sinple structure to reveal such a complex feeling if love at the end. Don't even get me started on that ending! I honestly expected some form of tragedy but stealing his lyrics, holy cow. Not to mention his overwhelming love for her, as ge values her happiness in wealthy living over claiming ownership of his work. I can actually feel his pain; his story plays a melody for the forlorn on my heartstrings. I feel like this story would be somethung I'd be reading in an official book of collective stories.

Anonymous said...

I loved this story! I think your use of details throughout the story really helped me put everything together like a movie and focusing on her facial expression was genius. I love the way you brought up her facial expression again at the end of the story and how it connected to his need to see her happy which is what caused him to talk to her and fall in love in the first place.
Leslie Rocha
Per.2

Unknown said...

This story had such an amazing build up characterized both by the man's and woman's emotion which illustrated how they felt about each other. I was totally caught off guard by the ending but, it goes to show you that some people will use you solely for personal gains.

Anonymous said...

I loved this piece! I liked how you incorporated symbolism and imagery to make the piece more abstract and creatively designed. I also thought the connotations and vocabulary you used showed your true emotions throughout the blog post. Detail and descriptions were incredible!
Kelene H.
per. 2

Anonymous said...

Great job on the story dude, the story was just great. It was really well written. I really like what you did on the ending, the plot twist everything. The ending was unexpected because like the man sacrificed his work for the girl to keep her smiling and for her to be happy. I think you should be a writer.

-Ray Kemas
Period 4

Unknown said...

I really loved the male character and the way he felt towards her. The very timid and scattered emotion she evoked in him really shows how he sees her. He treasured her beauty and in the end was cheated.

Andre Medina
Period 3

Sean Powers said...

Wow. Your use of detail and overall flow just makes this story something I found myself not wanting to stop reading; I couldn't wait for what would happen next. I can definitely see this being made into a movie or short film. Awesome job.

Sean Powers
Per. 3

Anonymous said...

Reading this story made me feel as if i was on a rollercoaster due to the numerous emotions that it evoked. Your diction in the second paragraph made the story seem very realistic and relatable. Overall an incredible piece and very inspiring!

Salman Ansari
Per. 5

Anonymous said...

Great story! I am personally a big fan of any story having to do with love especially since this one ended with a twist. The way the man described the women made me feel like I knew.

Mackenzie Tipple
per.4

Anonymous said...

This is an excellent example of a short piece that anyone would love to hear more of. Honestly, I could read a whole book on this if it was written by you in the same fashion. Not only does it display masterful plot development, but the character construction was spot on, and this made the reader, in this case me, feel like he knew the characters.

Eloy Guzman

Unknown said...

Wow! This story is so full of depth and very descriptive detail it had my eyes jumping from one line to the next. The Diction you incorporated into this passage was skillfully used and held its purpose for each transition within the story. The imagery used to describe the apartment of hers gave the reader a sense of mystery with the girl. And as you gave insight into the present happenings of the man, you also gave his emotional perspective to give a sense of depth to the reader. So very pleased to have read this. Keep up the amazing work!

Jordyn France
per 3
Cogswell

Unknown said...

Wow! This story is so full of depth and very descriptive detail it had my eyes jumping from one line to the next. The Diction you incorporated into this passage was skillfully used and held its purpose for each transition within the story. The imagery used to describe the apartment of hers gave the reader a sense of mystery with the girl. And as you gave insight into the present happenings of the man, you also gave his emotional perspective to give a sense of depth to the reader. So very pleased to have read this. Keep up the amazing work!

Jordyn France
per 3
Cogswell

Unknown said...

This story is an exemplary written work of literature. So much effort has been focused into character detail and imagery that it transforms and captivates the reader's perspective within this story. This, in a general statement, allows the piece to rise to a whole new level, something few pieces of literature can accomplish. The diction was precise, and held its ground within the structure defined as your story. Alas, it ends with a twist, enticing the readers as to what already was a mysterious, emotional plot! Excellent job!

Connor Edmundson
Period 3
Cogswell

Unknown said...

This story is an exemplary written work of literature. So much effort has been focused into character detail and imagery that it transforms and captivates the reader's perspective within this story. This, in a general statement, allows the piece to rise to a whole new level, something few pieces of literature can accomplish. The diction was precise, and held its ground within the structure defined as your story. Alas, it ends with a twist, enticing the readers as to what already was a mysterious, emotional plot! Excellent job!

Connor Edmundson
Period 3
Cogswell

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

There is a lot of truth to the ending that most of us can relate to. I know, as well as many, that often times we hold back from doing certain things to protect and ensure the happiness of others. Love always comes with some measure of sacrifice and as much as it may hurt, it doesn't measure up to the happiness we get from seeing our loved ones smile again. The story captured every ounce of my interest and I enjoyed it very much. I really found similar qualities in me that I see in the main character. Amazing job Sydddd!

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

I love this piece and there's definitely a truth to it. You are in such a vulnerable position when you are in love with someone and you never really know that their true intentions are. That's a heartbreaking feeling and this piece captures it perfectly. I also really love the imagery and characters in this story. It actually made me feel like I was there with the characters.
-Annika Joshi
Period 5

Unknown said...

Sydney ,
THIS PIECE IS FANTASTIC! This story , like everyone has been saying, really captures how everyone reacts to love , whether it's good or bad. I love how you captured this idea of love through characters that we can sort of relate to!
Keep up the awesome work girl.

try said...

Syd, this is really good. I really love how you put a twist on the whole love story everyone expects. The imagery really makes you feel like youre there and you sympathize with the main character. I loved it.

Anonymous said...

wow bravo syd
u really outdid urself
i really enjoyed this
luv u
good job bro luv u
-sydney vargas

Unknown said...

Wow that was such a great story! It really felt like I knew who you were talking about and the imagery used was awesome.I also really like how you created a twist to the end that made me feel bad for the main character.I could definitely relate to the awkwardness.Good work!!

Unknown said...

Wow that was such a great story! It really felt like I knew who you were talking about and the imagery used was awesome.I also really like how you created a twist to the end that made me feel bad for the main character.I could definitely relate to the awkwardness.Good work!!