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Monday, August 31, 2015

"Dance With the Devil" by Raquel D.

She reached out for the hand on the floor. 
The wood board creaks as she pulls away the man to the other side of the room. 
“There,” she said rubbing her palms on her white blouse. She places him on the chair, and begins to clean his face. 
Scarlet rags fall to the ground. 
“Wow, so handsome! Do you want some tea?” she asks. 
His head nods once a “yes”. 
The stygian purple from the mahogany leads to the kitchen. She pulls out a dusty golden teapot, with two chipped mismatching tea cups. 
The sun blazes in through the openings of the house. In the kitchen, branches stretch out to the windows for sympathy.
A long groan is let out from the dining room. She heads out. 
“I’m going — ouch!” she excitedly yelps. She had forgotten to put on shoes again. Her feet were bleeding from the broken glass. 
She thought to herself, green or black ? 
She looked up to her father. 
Her father was silently waiting. His dark face was outlined by the rays of sunlight peeking in from the kitchen. Mixtures of silver highlighted streams flowing throughout the crown of his head. 
Is he mad at me again, she thought. 
She nervously placed the teapot on the table. 
Trembling she picked at her fingers while looking down to the dark void. She kept thinking over and over if she had done anything wrong. 
“I know either is your favorite…” 
He sat there still silently. 
Creepy entities began to wrap around her limbs. 
She desperately whimpered, “Please, no — ” 
Gasping for air, she violently falls to the wood floor creating a long “thunk”. 
Tumbling over her, the man falls on her. 
The room was flushed in dark. 
Bruises marked all over her body ached. 
She wakes to see crimson stained all over her home, shirt, and hands. 
She softly licks her hand. 
It’s sweet. 
Wobbling, she gropes the fallen chair and stands. 
With every thud, she approaches closer to the door. 
Opening the door, a breeze of wind orchestrated the leaves’ dance. 
Scattered abroad, she follows the their lead.


57 comments:

Unknown said...

Rocky--
You never fail to astound me with the way you present your words, like a melodic symphony waiting to be heard by the people. One thing I did like about this piece was the staggered structure, each sentence having its own specific place -- which makes me wonder and think that because of the specific structure, each sentence has a need to have its own line. Reading over it, it seems as if taking away just one sentence throws off the whole fluidity of the piece, causing utter confusion and disregard to the aspects that make this piece interesting and a bit harrowing (In a good way!).

The title itself makes it a bit illustrious, but it is a declarative statement. Like, say it to yourself out loud (Whoever's reading this comment): "Dance With the Devil." Sounds like it was meant to be a famous David Bowie song. That, in itself, just makes the piece interesting to read for fun and not for a grade.

But thank you for making me search "Stygian"; just comes to show that literature is important and reading this just gives a whole new facet of structure anyone, that desires to write, can use. You're this quiet, but vibrant storm in person, but your words, like always, gives a whole new perspective on your personality and you definitely have a knack for creating fictional stories come to life with specific detail, syntax, and imagery. Rock on, Rocky! (Sorry, I tried making a pun, but it didn't work out. But I always say, "Rock on!")

xoxo
-j.p.

Anonymous said...

When I first read the title, I was absolutely curious as to what this story was about. After reading it, I was very astonished! The colorful word choices and mystery that lie within each sentence create this very curious essence about your piece. I really loved how each sentence was its own, that they didn't really connect each time, but created their own meaning that added mystery to your mysterious characters. What I really enjoy is the fact that you created this story with simplistic sentences full of imagery, almost as if I were there watching it all happen. They were so simple, but full of colorful word choices and sometimes complex vocabulary that I loved. You did a wonderful job telling your fictional story and I absolutely loved it! You really have an eye for detail and imagery!

Hanna Brookshier said...

I love your descriptive detail used in this. It almost made me feel a little uneasy and nervous with each word I read from the beginning to the end. Which is totally a GOOD thing. I love the fact it made me feel that way because as soon as started reading this, I got this vibe of ominousness from it and it really set the mood for me. Thank you for such an amazing story and an amazing read.
-Hanna Brookshier

Unknown said...

I was already hooked by your title choice, it is something very new, fresh and it sparks curiosity. As the title is something new and fresh, the poem overall was amazing and very different. The vivid choice of words and imagery used really captivated me and made me really see this in my mind. As a reader, I look forward to reading your future works!

Deborah Fraire said...

Very intriguing story! I like the weird and creepy factors you included within your piece. Great detail! I wish it was longer. I wanted to keep reading it. Well done Raquel.
- Deborah Fraire
Period 1

Michelle Sanchez said...

The way you controlled syntax and diction were the very reason i felt a plethora of emotions throughout. The suspense never went away but escalated and it was a thrilling piece to read. I love the title that you chose and how it has the ability to produce many thoughts and questions with it alone. After reading this I was a speechless, makes me feel thankful that I don't have to go yet so I can prepare!! Excellent piece!

Unknown said...

I loved how throughout the whole story I was on the edge of my seat questioning to myself what was going to happen next! It was delightfully disturbing the way she licked the crimson off her hand and described it as being sweet. It gave me the chills and made me want to continue to see what happened. The use of descriptive words such as "stygian","crimson", and "mahogany" gave the story color and the use of personification at the beginning really made the story come alive.

Unknown said...

I'm not the best English student, especially when it comes to interpreting literature, so this piece has left me feeling like a ship trying to find its way back to shore at 3 AM without a lighthouse. However, what I do recognize from this piece is your obvious talent for writing descriptive and metaphorical literature. The ominous tone of both the piece itself and the title immediately grabbed my attention from start to finish. Every sentence was packed with imagery and powerful descriptions that appealed to every one of my senses, not just sight or touch. Your word choice really exemplifies the high level of vocabulary that you have under your belt, which, to me, added to the impressiveness of the piece. Also, the way you were able to vary and stagger your sentences, yet still accomplish a steady flow in your writing is demonstrative of the level of maturity that you have as a writer. Not many high school level writers, including myself, have the ability to express such bold sentence structure, complex syntax and illustrative details in an entirely figurative work of art. Kudos to you, Rocky!

- Rachel ♥

Hungry Craving said...

Rocky! I love the structure of the piece! I thought it was a poem at first, but on closer inspection, I found out that it's actually prose-fiction, which piqued my interest. Of course, not only was the structure intriguing, the contents were as well. The title "Dancing With the Devil" is certainly amusing, and I expected the piece to be as well; but, after reading the piece, I found it to be so much more than my expectation! The specific and delicate details work curiously to set a fitting mysterious aura and each line in the unique structure found in your piece serves effectively to captive the audience (like how I'm sure the devil would if you were to dance with him...very captivating, perhaps in more ways than one).

Loved it!
Zoe ;P

DanelleAngeline said...

Rocky, your story just embodied the creepiness and discord in stories that I find so strangely satisfying. The attention to detail and imagery from the beginning to end satisfies all senses, from the sound of the floor creaking, to the moment when she tastes the sweetness of her hand. This piece plays out perfectly due to such a detailed design, like a Tim Burton movie. I felt that the words were picked so meticulously, allowing each line to captivate the darkness throughout this poem's entirety. To put it simply, I loved every moment reading your exceptional work.

Danelle Angeline Baronia
Period 2

Anonymous said...

Love the imagery you used, they really made the details vivid and pop out --"The stygian purple from the mahogany leads to the kitchen." And its full wit such descriptive words and plenty of figurative language. I was left in awe as I read each line, each was filled with just as much suspense and vivid descriptors as the previous line. Love it, good job! :)

Alicia Alcaraz
Period 5

Anonymous said...

This piece was really intriguing! You're really good at writing . I can tell you have a lot of talent just by reading your short story. You were very descriptive and used imagery to really potray the story you were trying to tell and that's why I think I liked it so much. Great job!

Dominique Washington
Period 2

Jazmine Hernandez said...

Love how this piece is so mysterious and leaves you guessing on whats happening.

Danielle Gonzales said...

This piece is exceptionally written and i found myself wanting to read more. The creepy vibe given off even from the title alone paved way only for an even more dark murky tone later on. I felt inspired while reading it because you were able to capture an audience from the first few lines alone and that's not something that is easy to do. Coming from someone who is always up to learn new words, i thoroughly enjoyed your wide range of vocabulary as it further emphasized the story as a whole. Great job :)

Natalia G. said...

I was drawn to this story because of the title, as I’m sure most people were. I was absolutely intrigued by this piece as well- I was kept on edge while reading this. The syntax and diction of the story helps contribute perfectly to the eerie tone. Even after reading- and rereading- your piece several times, I am still left with a feeling of fascination, for this story is just that complex (in a good way too!). You are an incredible writer!!
-Natalia G.
Period 2

justin flores said...

I like how mysterious and creepy this story is. It leaves you guessing on what will happen next. Good job
-Justin Flores Period 2

Anonymous said...

This story is very unique I like how its very different from other pieces and is original! Its very suspenseful and keeps you guessing what might happen next. Along with the imagery that really helps in building a picture in your mind!

Karina Blocker
Period 4

Anonymous said...

When people said you were a great writer, they weren't kidding. I admit I had clicked on the arrow due to the title. As cogswell has us question the title and the meaning I was actually doing that with your piece. I am in awe of your choice of diction and tone. Keep on rocking rocky! :}

Admirably astounded,
Ariel Foster
Period 3

Unknown said...

ROCKY
you're a great writer!
The first time I read your piece I was left a little perplexed, but upon the second read the context became slightly more clear as the story twisted itself into a dark tale between an intimidating father who inflicts pain and horror upon those around him.
Your imagery was fantastic. I especially liked when you said, "Mixtures of silver highlighted streams flowing throughout the crown of his head" just to explain that the father had grey hair. Honestly such a great example of how you turn "simple" descriptors into something much more personal and unique to the character.

Lauren Maldonado
p. 2

Anonymous said...

This piece was really interesting and I liked it a lot, much of it was literal enough to understand the context of the writing but was vague enough that you were left to interpret its meaning on your own accord. I loved the style and the syntax you followed in your writing it kept me constantly engaged by creating the sensation of being disoriented just how the girl in the story was. Your diction fit the story perfectly as it had many meanings and kept the imagery and tone of creepiness, when your wrote "Creepy entities began to wrap around her limbs.
She desperately whimpered, “Please, no — ” it really gave a clear depiction of what was going on and the environment of the firl. Overall your are a great writer and I loved it.

Samantha Quintanilla
Period 2

Anonymous said...

This story was very interesting from the beginning to the end and its different its not like the other stories like when she fell and licked her hand and then says its sweet the title is what made me want to read this its very mysterious
-Eric Edwards

Unknown said...

Rocky!! You're such a great writer!! I really like how much color imagery was used in this (from her white blouse, to the scarlet rag, to the silver in the man's hair). It made it easier to picture the scene that was being described while adding mysterious elements to the story. The development of the characters was very well done. The structure of the piece was also very interesting. Every line had its own factor of mystery and secrecy, making the story really dynamic and enjoyable. Overall, you did a wonderful job at painting a vivid picture of the scene and providing little details for the readers.

Fiona Cheung
Period 3

Anonymous said...

guess im not anonymous because im a freashmen.So anyways your story was very detailed and it had a lot of information and that made the story very intresting.To be honest,the setting in your story reminded me of the movie Titanic.Anyways keep up the good work . :)

Marco Garcia-Ordaz
period 4

Anonymous said...

Great story! I liked how the story has sort of a mysterious feel to it like you don't know what's going to happen which makes you want to read more. I enjoyed reading your story, great job!

JC Bagro
Period 3

Unknown said...

Wow your imagery and attention to detail is great in this! You really captured emotions that drew me in and made me more curious.

Unknown said...

This was an amazingly written story. I was amazed by all of your vocabulary and how your story started out in the "middle" and you’re wondered and thought about what had happened to the man and then the way he treated the poor girl was just sickening but it made the story so good!

~Madison Behee
Per.1

Michelle Truong said...

This story was really impressive, and i got sad to the point where she got bruises everywhere. This story got me feeling like i want to continue reading and don't even want to stop even though it ended. I hope you make a part 2 to this story.
-Michelle Truong
Period 1

Anonymous said...

This was a very interesting story! The imagery and detail that you used to describe the setting and characters was amazing and really made the story!
-Noah Andrus
Period 5

Brianna Barajas said...

I love the description in this story. I automatically pictured each action that occurred. Great work!

Brianna Barajas said...

Period 4

Unknown said...

The title says it all. I enjoyed the metaphorical language of the piece and became especially intrigued by the girl's ill fated attempt to please an entity she will never be able to satisfy. I enjoyed the dark yet intricate plot to the piece. Great Job!
- Hunter Fierro
Period 5

Anonymous said...

i enjoyed your story. the 'twist i really liked because she was dark and then it got violent then when you thought it was over...peace. great job

Alejandro Martinez period 1

Anonymous said...

Rocky, this piece is so great. The characters evoke completely conflicting emotions with the storyline which make it that much better to read. I love the twisted father-daughter dynamic adds a new layer to the story which I thought was great. I loved your use of vivid imagery and the continued repetition of the scarlet colors and morbid imagery that gave a really eerie mood to the whole piece. I thought it was incredibly creative and well-written; it was creepy but also sad which I don't think you always see, so I really liked that element. Overall, your story was really great, fairly shocking, the right amount of scary, but also gave somewhat conflicting emotions which I thought was really clever. Really great piece.
-Aubrianne Milton
Period 5

Unknown said...

This story caught my eye because of the tittle, and wow it was so creepy I honestly did not know what to expect but you have written a story that will truly capture the audiences attention. This had the feeling of fear and it was wonderfully interpreted with your use of imagery and syntax.

-Alexa Ayala
Period 2

Anonymous said...

Wow Rocky what a wonderful piece! I wish it was longer its very captivating. Gives you the horror type of feeling, honestly gave me the chills! The shift in tone from dark mystery to peace at last is a perfect leeway into the ending. Loved it!

Allyson Bol
Period 3

Unknown said...

I love the detail and how i could automatically picture the setting. The story was amazing and i wish it had been longer but the detail and the way you described everything so well shows you are an amazing writer and should continue on! It had me waiting for what was gong to happen next and it was worth the wait because that was an amazing story and the ending was the perfect way to tie it all together! ~Julianna Alvarado period 1

Aaron Salazar said...

Holy wow, this story was so descriptive on what was happening. This story just felt like I needed to do something to help the girl, it felt just like watching these events happen right in front of my eyes. If it weren't for your details, I would've never felt the agony of the helpless girl trying to break free of the grasp of the "devil".Great story and the descriptive words were perfect.
Period 4

Unknown said...

This was so amazing! I always love reading your work because you leave so much up to the mystery of the reader in such an enticing and elegant way. From the ominous tone of the first line down to the chilling ending of the last, it was very well written and clearly shows the skill and control you have when writing. The short and concise lines were a great way to keep the reader interested. Overall, very interesting and a wonderful piece to read!
-Elise Burgos Per.2

Unknown said...

This was so amazing! I always love reading your work because you leave so much up to the mystery of the reader in such an enticing and elegant way. From the ominous tone of the first line down to the chilling ending of the last, it was very well written and clearly shows the skill and control you have when writing. The short and concise lines were a great way to keep the reader interested. Overall, very interesting and a wonderful piece to read!
-Elise Burgos Per.2

A Place for Me said...

I have one word to say to describe this piece and that is "WOW!'
This piece is very captivating. Your use of diction changes the aspect of this piece entirely helping you develop a good shift in tone. Your vocabulary is outstanding. Keep up the good work Rocky!

A Place for Me said...

I have one word to say to describe this piece and that is "WOW!'
This piece is very captivating. Your use of diction changes the aspect of this piece entirely helping you develop a good shift in tone. Your vocabulary is outstanding. Keep up the good work Rocky!

Unknown said...

Rocky! I'm completely captivated by your story as it truly illustrated a creepy, mysterious tone with me just wanting to keep reading. The story itself was chilling due to your extensive use of imagery in describing the entire setting. I was left to imagine the ominous details that embody the story such as the mismatched teacups, the branches stretching out to the windows,...just helps create an uneasy feeling that the woman in the piece isn't living in a perfect,ideal environment. It's more broken and messy and I really adore this story!
-Amber, Period 2

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

Your story was really descriptive,I know everyone has been saying that but, your choice of sparkle words were incredible.The imagery was really good I felt like I was there watching it.Everything was good from top to finish you had my attention
~Zya woody
period 4

Anonymous said...

Right when i started reading this, i started to picture the story in my head, and it was awesome. I wanted to keep reading and i always wanted to know what happens next, like when she got wrapped up and fell. I wanted to know what happened, so it kept me reading.

Unknown said...

Your title pulled me in immediately. I was captivated by your use of such specific detail and vivid imagery. I liked how you conveyed an ominous feeling throughout the whole poem and how you incorporated such metaphorical usage in your work. Your attention to detail appeased all senses and really set the mood of the darkness of the poem's entirety. I really enjoyed this read!

Sweet Dulce said...

I wasn't sure what to expect with such a title but I definitely was not disappointed! I loved how you kept up the eerie tone all throughout the poem and with a few more reads of it almost gave me an uneasy feeling, Great piece!
~Dulce
Period 2

Anonymous said...

OH MY GOODNESS< ROCKY. This was absolutely.. flawless. Your writing is so well put together and organized and your detailed descriptions are amazing. I liked how the tone was dark and ominous throughout but also created dramatic feelings. Great job!
Kelene Hirata
per. 2

Jakari Thomas said...

Rocky, I was enthralled with your piece from start to finish. All of the detail and imagery was unsettling, setting up the perfect atmosphere for chills. I was getting a vibe of chaos hidden behind the cloak of a stable reality, ready to burst with violent colors. It all feels like a beautifully constructed verse from the hands of a time honored professional.

Unknown said...

A child lost in the depths of her mind, walking through her shattered psyche, trying to please her own demons, wanting acceptance and guidance, but eternally punishes herself because there is no one to show her the way. Its a lovely tale of a demented child who knows no true right from wrong, the irony being that she has no true clarification on good from evil and believes she is being punished for appeasing her demons wrongly, when she plays with dead bodies that she possibly made herself! I love the unanswered questions and cliff hanger at the end, great use of tugging the readers mind!
-P.S.
Period 2

Unknown said...

The detail put into this story was really deep and helped me picture it in my head. Dark imagery like this really gets my interest when it comes to reading stories. Good job
-Michael Dingle P.5

Unknown said...

Rocky, you are an insanely gifted writer. You should post every month to the blog and I would be more than happy to read it. I thoroughly enjoyed the use of your colors which created very dark imagery on your piece.

Anonymous said...

Raquel, such masterfully written imagery and character development leaves me wondering whether I was reading something written by a student or a piece from Sound and Sense. I cannot even begin to explain how you came up with the theme of dying hope through the use of tree and limb imagery. Overall, elegant yet dark and brooding. Well done.

Eloy Guzman

Unknown said...

A Dance with the Devil it is! An incredible sense of imagery that while sets a certain boundary as in what to think, doesn't, as those lines merely vanish, allowing the reader to answer open ended questions that will never truly have one correct answer. A very dark, brooding tone, a simple idea that transforms into a raging typhoon, whirling its readers into a world of dying hope. I am very excited to see what is in store next!

Connor Edmundson
Period 3
Cogswell

Unknown said...

The story maintained its intensity so well throughout. Everytime I got to a new line, I looked at what was really happening. Especially considering the title was so out of place for the first few lines, it made the words so much more meaningful. As I read, I kept searching for the meaning in each line and what exactly was happening. The vivid description of each scene gave me more to go on, and by the end I was truly horrified, which in my opinion was exactly what was meant to be.

try said...

The cliffhanger really adds a sense of mystery to the whole story, even though it already was such a mysterious, beautifully written piece. Your use of adjetives really help the reader visualize everything that is happening. By the end youre left curious and wanting more which is amazing.

elton said...

Goo story I like of how it is spooky and mysterious at the same time. Very suspenseful and eerie tone. You should write more of these on your blog.